I love you.

That's to say,
I sent you a text before leaving for work:
"There's half of an orange on the counter for you"

I am 3.5 steps behind you
You always said you had nine lives
Dear Sylvia, I wish you had stayed
For just one

Dear Sylvia, of all the ways to choose
You create poets who find no art in baking
Though I suppose our ovens
Are viewed a bit differently now

The brownies come out burnt
I write a poem about the time I
Thought about killing myself
but got distracted
reading Sylvia Plath

There's just something romantic about cornfields and 3am
Maybe it’s just the optimist inside of me
But the stars are shining so bright tonight, don’t you think?
They are so bright, the sky is so clear,
and I can feel your hand pressed against my side,
attached like a name
Maybe you’re afraid of the cold too

It was cloudy, the light on the edge of the horizon
Polluting the stars, they weren’t that bright
I feel you pull my body away from me
It’s so strange to feel warm, to feel anything
You embrace the cold

I cannot save you anymore than I can avoid becoming
The same sky I stare at

The breeze dances across my stomach as you bring me closer
Eyes staring into a cold sky
As you listen to me ramble on
About where the big dipper should be
If the stars were bright enough to see it

Reach down and wrap me in celestial bodies
I imagine the warmth of stars,
Standing under a blanket of constellations
Fireflies dance on my fingertips
As if stellar incarnate
This interstellar silence surrounds me
And for the first time in a while
The universe is okay

I know you think
I’m counting down the days
But I’m just trying to make
The days count.

People tell me
45 is so young,
Why would I want to believe
I’ll be gone by then?

I say
It has taken me 18 years
To get where I am.

I’m afraid
Of what will happen
After 18 more.

I am-
sugar sweet stuck-
On the idea that something
Is better than nothing

It’s kinda crazy
How you talk like maple syrup
And think like a long winter
Your words bite
Like stinging sleet

I find cuddling by the fire
With a cup of coco
And blankets piled high
So soothing

But shouldn’t I be worried
About the storm raging outside?

I miss you sometimes
And it’s not that I don’t miss you other times
It’s just that
Sometimes
I freeze and I see you
And I hear your laugh
And I hear you call my name
And it takes everything in me
To not run to you
Because I know that you aren’t here anymore

The years go by faster the older I get
Can you let me know if I’m wasting precious time in advance?
I wish I could time travel but the seconds are still slipping past my fingertips before I can hold them.

I think it’s a blessing to find you in other people.
But you are not other people.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there.
I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.
I’m sorry I can’t change the past.
I’m sorry.

I’ve always been one to enjoy the burn
But this
This is a new level
Of salt in the wound

You are cold to the touch
Leaving blisters
Where you grab my wrist
And pin me down

The longer you stay
The longer I scream
Until the pain is numb
And I do not feel enough
To need you to leave

You burn me anyway

I am addicted to deja vu
In the form of
Sunsets
And goodbyes
And thinking I’ve found love

And hey, you seem so familiar.
Have I seen you somewhere before?

I think loving you is like
Indian summer
So warm
And beautiful
And gone so quickly
You do not cherish
The sunlight hours
But kiss me hello
When I am falling asleep
Beneath the stars

Please do not tell me
You love me
Because that scares me so much more
Than loving you
Ever could

Does riding home
Without a seatbelt
(Left unbuckled on purpose)
Count as a suicide attempt?

Asking for a friend
Who lost control of the wheel