this bowl can still be repaired even if it seems broken irredeemably even if its pieces have been trodden underfoot further ground down in an effort to recover those scattered fragments as unlikely as it may be that these edges can be jigsawed together aligned once more it could simply be a case of embracing the cracks that might remain filling them with something to be marvelled at
leaving grief. and i—i now remember why i should never have allowed anyone to get under my buckling skin for fine friends are only fine, friends until they know the perfect way to damage the stillborn remnants of what you hold on to them, without patience, distraught, you; promises of finding someone better overhearing a devotion that cannot possibly be true only useful in the event of an epiphanic letdown i love you but why have i loved you did i love you because you were kind for five seconds and it was only fair to bleed when it should not be enough did you not love me because i wasn’t enough or because you knew i was nothing to be proud of? from knowing too much, trusting too well follies and fey melodies for a final disconnect i loved you never mean what you say say anything to say anything to say anything to say sorry. your smug conversation is one i carry still with me even as the tactile memory of you burns and my singed skin curls into the shape of an old friend who never cared. i never remember to forget they’ll always be there until they aren’t leaving, grief, and i—i no longer wish for a happier end i only wish there was a softer way to recover.
Inspired by the song Misguided Ghosts by Paramore.
im sad because my brother leaves again in a few weeks and i only saw him twice im sad because i never had a dad im sad because i "recovered" and i hate myself more than before im sad because my medication doesnt work im sad because i have no money im sad because im not good at anything im sad because i have no culture im sad because people are uninformed im sad because im sick im sad because im being invalidated and told to just "get better" im sad because everything feels like its falling apart im sad because i have no god im sad because im lost i wish i could disappear i wish i could find a way to make a way
yesterday I had a talk with my heart the last few days have been hard I tried to explain what was going on what we will work upon couldn’t put it into words there are plenty of concerns but it’s going to be okay and the worries will go away and if I choose to be my own lover my heart and I, we will recover.