i hope one day i can say this
to my other half-
everybody has their own story,
i just happen to find yours
more intriguing

just saying though,
it's not as if I can escape the curse
of singleness :>

everytime I'm with other people,
I get reminded of how talentless I am-
they're all ******* shining stars,
while I'm one of those that are glow-less,
tucked away in a lil corner.
maybe I'm born in the wrong era,
maybe I'll be talented in another day.
maybe, just maybe, I'm famous in a parallel universe.
but they're all 'maybes'
isn't it time to give up?

it's as if he's looking at me
but I know he's looking past me
so I just try my best
to ignore his presence

it's as if he's staring into my eyes
but I know he's staring at my insecurities
so I break our eye contact
knowing it'll break my heart

it's as if he's observing me
but I know he's copying my homework
so I continue doing my work
even though it hurts

it's just a one sided crush,
after all </3

is it wrong to want a bit of attention?
all I want
is a unique kind of connection
where I'm the only one in their eyes
eyes that are filled with dedication
towards me and me only
I wish somebody could give me a redirection
because I'm starting to feel selfish
and that's becoming a distraction
to my insecure lil brain
so I guess I'll just wait for my destruction
as I wonder what it takes
to not worry about my emotions
just to feel okay to feel selfish
with not even one restriction

I always get stomachaches
everytime anxiety rushes into my life
I've gotten used to it,
my tolerance building bit by bit.
but sometimes they become
a serious issue-
I needed to beat cramps, panic attacks and stomachaches at the same time
kind hard to calm myself
when all those symptoms are messing around
with my head
but I just cope.

Her: I have a confession...
Him: what kind of confession...?
Her: I tried to **** myself.
Him: at what time...?
Her: last night at midnight.
Him: that's nice. we attempted at the same time.
Her: ...
Him: let's meet up the next time you feel low, hmm?
The thing is, he didn't try to commit suicide.

my tissue is stained with red blotches
it's only two cuts though.
not a biggie and didn't hurt much.
I just blow
away the redness on my wrist
and smell the metallic scent.
kinda refreshing if you ask me.

to my imaginary lover,
I wish you were here,
cuddling me,
together cozily in the warm
blankets,
with my hands in your
pockets,
so you can chase away
the iciness from my fingers.
but there's no way
that could happen, hmm?
you're just imaginary,
after all.
a figment of my
imagination.

everyone is saying
I look so sad
these days
but the thing is
I don't know
how to look happy.
my eyes just look
expressionless,
filled to the brim with exhaustion.
so please don't
say
"c'mon, look happier."
because I want to
but I can't.

it's my birthday today
another year of drowning
myself in sorrow
and frowning
every morning
kinda feeling proud
that I survived another year
and still haven't landed
in the clouds
above.
<3

i wanna sleep so badly
after barely sleeping for days
it's as if my sanity is sadly
running away from me

can barely open my eyes now
and i feel like my brain's gonna melt
but i'm not scowling
like i did when i was wide awake though.

it's as if something's possessed me,
made me go a bit insane with a smile.

it's been two years-
since i've crushed on you,
since you've become one of my biggest fears
and how my heart flutters
at the sight of you walking by.
each scroll on social media
makes me sigh
because i'm ******* hopeless
when it comes to you.

i cried till
my eyes were swollen
today, and still-
tears are drippin'

wonder how to
stop them from forming
wonder if feeling numb
will stop my emotions from storming

whatever i do
will always waste my life away
at least that's what you say.
i guess you managed to sway
me onto your side.
because i'm not doing anything i want
to do at this point.
you've made me use another font
to write my life
instead of the messy handwriting
that i'm supposed to use

i want to **** myself so badly,
to just disappear from this horrible life.
i must admit i'll gladly
take the devil's deal to get a knife
to carve my fragile heart out.
i'm scared of pain-
but at the same time, it entrances me.
i watch the little beads of blood again,
slowly forming into a puddle.
dancing on my wrist

look at her, they say.
so polite and hardworking.
I reply with an okay-
and try to be like her.

look at her smiling on the stage, they say.
shining with a grade 8 in piano.
I reply with an okay-
and mold myself into someone they'll like.

look at her grades, they say.
getting top marks in every subject possible.
I reply with an okay-
but I'll always be inferior.

and they say, that's just how life works. </3

today's another day
of doing nothing
i don't really feel okay
but i don't want to be bluffing
about being useful
for anyone or anything-
i'm trying to be truthful
telling myself i'm ugly
but i'm not good at my studies
i guess my parents are right
always saying i'm useless

I FEEL SO HAPPY TONIGHT
because i'm alone
and i can freely write
and nobody would disown
me just because i wrote
and not being their perfect child
oh and i can gloat
to my friends until we smiled
and laugh till our throats hurt

have always wanted to escape reality-
from disney princess movies as a kid
to being a pre teen feeling real ******
reading all those fantasy books
then discovered romance and ****
as a weird teenager that barely lives
and keeps wanting to cut
myself but I know nobody gives
a single **** about my dreams
because I've always wanted to just fly
or shoot beams
or getting really really high
with dopamine in my veins
because if I met my fated partner in a whole another world
I'll be content for no reason
at all <3

please, tell me-
tell me why
you won't even bat an eye towards me when I plea
in my mind as I stare at the blue sky
to try to distract myself from you
because gazing at you all the time
is suffocating and I threw
my sanity away- it's like I'm commiting a serious crime
as I stalk you on social media
every single day, like a hopeless romantic

it's been two years
since I've set my eyes on you
but I'm still shedding tears
and still feelin' blue
because i know
deep down
I'm a bit slow
and you got your crown
from your queen
a long time ago
having a teen
crush is never easy

i crave to have friends
when i am alone
crave to make amends
for myself but i should've known
i would want to be alone
when i'm next to my 'friends'
so i just scroll on my phone
igoring the loose ends
i'm leaving every single day

anxiety doesn't suddenly appear
it's there because of others
and when we look drear
we try to drag our covers
up and up
hiding our tired faces
because we don't want to cleanup
and show others traces
of our weaknesses

i love writing in a cabin
next to the warm fire
as the ashes blacken
and my hands tire
but there's always
warm soup
on cold days
as my eyes droop
and i know it's time
for me to sleep

the urge to somehow
**** myself painlessly
and allow
myself to walk around aimlessly
is starting to
creep up and up
as shampoo
dripped down from my hair
and i say to myself
when...?

snow is pretty.
why?
because
it falls from the sky
and pause
when it lies on the ground
i get drowned
in the endless white
where the light
ceased to exist

feels like everyone's
angry at me
but i ain't aiming my gun
at them
because I'm done
being mad all the time
and i just wanna have fun
so i felt light and happy
and went for a run
for the first time in a few weeks

to that one person
whom i spied from afar
i've fallen head over heels
for you.
i will always remember
the way you gaze at her
like she's the bane of your existence
while i keep on
thinking what would happen
if i were her

i have a nervous habit
of peeling the skin on my lips
like a jumpy little rabbit
and sometimes blood drips
and my fingernails are reddened
then i stare at my hands in fear
but my mind slowly deadened
and i won't be able to quite hear
the pounding of my hearbeat
or notice my bloodied hands