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My mother recently took me to another doctor
she said, ‘her condition is becoming outrageous ,
she hasn’t laughed in a year, avoids any talking,
never leaves the house until the night draws in. ’

And I think the sun should rather concern her.
Burning things don’t make good companions.
Bought a ticket for a train, northbound at night,
my eyes hurt from the condolences of daylight.

Went back south in September, I surrendered,
had to promise to be good again and presentable.
Indifferent on life, did I suffer from depression?
It’s not been an illness but a philosophic decision.

One Sunday, it was quiet during breakfast time,  
somebody from town recently took their life.
Rised brows behind the newspaper’s edges,
secretly, I admire the courage and recklessness.

But I act eager and am polite with relatives,
at holiday occasions I behave and give kisses
until one proposes a toast to life being a gift.
I say nothing in exchange, I feel guilty to exist.

It all changed one day, when I found me a lover.
He sins for amusement while I sin to self punish.
I love that he’s mortal, of a perishable texture,
hope to be buried, rot with him in the graveyard.

We agree on senselessness without any pity,
he watches me fail life and thinks it’s poetic.
We can’t hurt since there’s nothing to heal from.
A physical love wich in it’s essence is platonic.
DIARY ENTRY, EIGHT
By darcy prince

Today I bought some protein powder, which is the first time doing so. I’m a vegetarian, for a while I was eating chicken, as long as it was well-cooked. But I can’t remember the last I had any. I take fish oil, most of the time, twice a day. My other ways of getting protein now, mainly boiled eggs, always around six of them. If I forget to boil some, it’s fried eggs. I don’t eat yokes. I normally boil them early in the afternoon, then go off for the rest of my day, leaving them in the fridge until evening. Because of the heat & my apparent time constrict, is why I cooked them & left them to cool, by the time it’s time for dinner, the eggs have cooled down. I am actually looking over videos to it, how to make them, ways to take them, etc. Which I should have done prior. But since I don’t eat meat, it is worth a try. Expensive. But you get a lot for what you pay for. But it is a part of my weight loss journey. Which has been a back & forth this year. Even though I’ve been told so many times that I’m not fat. I just think I wasn’t healthy, that's all. Yes, for aesthetic reasons I am searching for, maybe a Greek ecstasy. Maybe some attention to. Since my last entry, I have talked about dating again. More so asking a crush out. I still think it won’t go well. In about 90 mins, I am going for a walk. If it’s not for health, do it for attention, but it’s worth giving it a go. It’s a little of my NoFap journey or in other words, getting to know myself again.

See what happens, I’m actually more curious to see if I’ll stick to the protein powder things. I am worried about the sugar content & learning another way besides mixing it with milk. Which has both high levels or sugar & fat. My landlord asked me why I never took any. Asking when coming home with a new container of fish oil. Which I had never thought of. I mean, I saw them around the shops selling, etc. Walking around the shops, I saw a container on sale, for why not. On the way, I realize how I'm supposed to take it? When to take it? Etc. With all that fun stuff.

Oh to the experiences I’ve missed out on, by not being tall, thin & attractive.

I don’t think people are interested in my idiots, food things & body image problems. Which is always an issue, sometimes any underlying shame that's trauma prone comes in when one is an adult, you’re more aware & have the skill to correct but those emotions in feeling the issues hits all at once, leaving one cripplyong.

My smoking hasn't been the best. I’m still in the habit of every two or three days, I’ll smoke an entire pack & go out to buy another one, by the end of it, the second pack, at least half of it’s gone. The virtue of humanity is on such a slow rise to the top, it’s so hard to do, yet such a struggle to do so, as vice seems so normal & effortless to do. Being into moral philosophy, I could spend that money, time, whatever on so many other things. I seem to never be able to swing into the mood to do anything about it. This is where some of my personal shame comes from, realizing for the first time how much youth is wasted on the young. I’m sure I’m looking forward to having a rock bottom in this area, I wonder what will actually trigger it? Maybe the actual habit of having it or my lack of financial skill is the cause why I’m single. I know there is dignity in the effort.

My thinking will be the death of me. I know better, or at least the awareness I could do better. My actions do not follow that.

Though if you’re asking me, sweets, chocolates, whatever would be taken out of school, a legal age for fast food, higher taxes for such companies that produce such food items, so-on. It does seem hard to get healthier, to lose weight, to be somewhat aesthetically pleasing once you age. Not all of it is the result of not being able to, just a biological part of life. Those self-help gurus who fail to throw out either of anything negative are maladjusted people, failing to connect the knowledge of a healthy lifestyle to someone’s emotions & economic access. We're in a culture where it’s cheaper to buy chocolate than it is to buy fruit. Chocolate for comfort rather than a one off pleasurable treat. Fruit for the body to fuel the mind but displayed for health nuts. Is the show ‘The Biggest Loser’ still a thing? It's an entire societal thing. My weight gain in my adult year is really up to me. At least I know the difference between McDonals to a fruit shop. For what alone is a part of my own doing. If I adopt that sort of all-time positive thinking as those self-proclaimed guru’s, I indirectly flee from reality, to elicit a community where nothing could ever possibly go wrong. It’s not solely a matter of being sexually attractive in the eyes of other people, but by simply supporting local fruit shops, I’ve provided a small contribution to the running of their shop & a slight chance of never having their prices go up & the healthy my body is, the more freedom the medical & scientific community is to focus on much harsher realities of life, such as mental illness & the cure to cancer. I know that seems dramatic but a large amount of truth is in it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz9wP5zLS6A&t=166s
Intelligence brings a strange mixture of
laughter & worry, lonely for
sure.
With no one to consult with, confessions
made to abandoning priests, art
as refuge, nothing to return to, utter
a lonely person. Gutted & lonely,
hanging from the tree of life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NN8X2FEanw
Armand Aug 2021
Do I want you?
I know you want me,
But do I want you to?

You're gorgeous and fun
Whilst I'm silent
Ready to turn away and run

Has it been too long?
Am I too far gone?
Because I can't hold on,
To this neverending sad song
Farah Taskin Aug 2021
Sometimes
I find
Myself
In the
Middle of
Nowhere...
I'm far from the maddening crowd ...
Lee Mar 2021
This house I live in is not my home.
Truly, I’ve never had a home.
What does it feel like to have a home?
VerySadLibra Dec 2020
I want to sink into myself
Deep into my veins
Be held by this warm blood
Turn myself inside out
And never see light again

And while I walk
Skin reverted
I will cross paths with
Faces of horror
And I will be happy
Because finally
I will know why
They elude me
Delyla Nunez Dec 2020
I’m truly alone.
No one to be my rock.
My shoulder to cry on.

Nothing but an endless stream of tears,
Constantly running down my face.
The people I need the most can’t be there.

One is busy with family things.
The other is hung up on their bestfriend.
I cried myself to sleep last night.

No one was there to hold me; no one there to wipe my tears.
Truly I am alone
You probably won’t relate. But if you do then I’m sorry..
adriana Dec 2020
In a universe where nothing could be everything
and everything could be nothing
I wake up blinded by the sun and my weak eyes struggle to conform
but her power desires me

In a universe where silence can ring ears
and actual sirens can calm them
My engine rustles with promise as I drive down the unpaved road
I am cement, and spill out of my windows into the potholes as I pass
Shadows of trees fold over behind me as outlines of roofs emerge
one day I’ll drive and count them all

In a universe where we worship time
but it repays by pilfering our youth
I make out silhouettes through the strands of my ***** hair
Your tie taunts me, perched confidently on the base of your neck
My fears in the flesh, enveloped in dark eyes and strong posture
one day I’ll face him eye to eye  

In a universe where we long for love
but company deludes us
I eat dinner alone at a table for six
and stare longingly through one of my three big windows
My mom probably called but my phone’s been on silent
one day I’ll get free time and call her back

In a universe where nothing could be everything
and everything could be nothing
My pillow steals my thoughts for the closing hours of the night
and I ponder on how much of me it’ll return when I wake up in the morning

Solipsism
(10.16.2020)
—adrianatamara
Poetic interpretation of the views of George Berkeley intertwined with mentions of other philosophers such as Hume.
Amy Nov 2020
I did not

Nothing ever made sense to me
Why would they do that
Why would they say that

I never felt like they felt
I never spoke as they spoke

It felt unfitting, unwanted
There was always a wall between us
Nothing I tried to built
Just something which appeared

Scars always seemed to tell a story
A story I was interested in
Until I carried them on my own

Suddenly they felt heavy
Heavier then they looked on others

I thought they would make you strong
They do
But they are also a burden
And always will be

Nothing will ever let them disappear
You can just learn to live with them

That´s just part of life, I guess

Still, I wonder why me
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