The ground looks so
     Appetizing
     From up this high
         I wanna find out if I can ******* fly

I wanna feel something before I hit the
      Bottom
                     I would love to relish in your blood-soaked nirvana

      I made you as comfortable as possible while you slit my throat
          I may be dead but my
   Wings are sewn with a different thread of gristle and bone

    If redemption is real and I have time to ****,
      I wonder how the fall will

         *Feel

The blood splatter dripped and pooled at the floor
       Even time slipped amidst all the gore

You are the truest part of me
When I close my eyes, it is not to sleep,
But to fade into a place where holding onto you keeps me sane and safe.
It is often called reality.
And any place where our love is stopped from flourishing
Is nothing more than an ill conceived nightmare.

I still have faith I'll wake up to a bouquet of your kisses, sweeter than any rose could hope to be.

Hypnosis*
     Comatose so close to death
   Another dose of coldness swept away all my regret
Some die by the sword of vengeance, others by respect
                I myself will die calm and ready, **steadying my breath

I know the stories that you tell
I have them memorized so well
I take you at face value
Every time
You're everything I want
You're nothing I could hate
Hope you don't hesitate
Will you be mine?

I see the electric sunshine
I see the electric sunshine
I see the electric sunshine
In your eyes

It's nothing but a bruise
It doesn't mean abuse
It's just a disagreement
I'll be fine
He still loves me the same
He tells me it's okay
He knows just what to say
Every time

I see the electric sunshine
The mask you hide behind
I see the electric sunshine
In your eyes

I know the stories that you tell
I know they're just pathetic spells
You thought I'd fall for it
Every time
You're no longer what I want
You're everything I've come to hate
Now your gone for good and I know
I'll be fine

I saw the sunshine in your eyes
The light you flipped on with a switch
And when it turned out to be lies
I turned into a *****
And I cut the cord to the ties that bound
I'm happy without electric sunshine now
I've seen the light without you
*I let it shine

I finally figured a piece that could fit
     Decent enough to mention
          That gets deeper with each visit
     And though it wasn't my intention
       We invented vivid scriptures Shakespeare would weep to
           Crackheads could sleep to
       That's just the calm of absolution as it creeps through
         We never needed a deity's forgiveness or god to bear witness
   To this **** that we do behind closed doors cause in these moments I'm finally yours

      And that's all that should matter

I couldn't think of a better blade than you
                     Because you cut so deep
        *You don't leave any trace that whatever you sever even existed

I keep waiting for a punchline to a joke told before I was born
           When everyone had their *own problems.
     Some of them I inherited
                But not happily
  
       I can hear echoes even now, the build up, the relaxed but uneasy tenseness before the drop of the curtain, the reveal.....
      And then,
                                  nothing.

          **Cricke­ts.

Somehow I know
               Whatever I write,
           It’ll be about *you.

Roller
          co
            as
              t
              ­ e
                 r
                      
                    f                   ­             
                        a                      
   ­                           s                
                                     t            
orslowitdoesntseemtomatter

                         N
                      W
  U               O
     P        D
          &
                                We hit the
{}{}{}{}{G}{}{R}{}{O}{}{U}{}{N}{}{D}{­}{}{}{

But never seem to *sh\at\ter

I'd ask you if it looks real but you're nowhere to be found
     I call your phone
           It rings
   But that's the only ******* sound
       I wonder the man I'd be if you had chose to stick around
             As I'm smoking on these rocks and not the ones thats off the ground
                 The ones that cut deep and not just bare feet
     The kind the police always be searching for with the hounds
        I don't sleep or eat I feel cold in heat
        I can't ******* think unless I'm surrounded by a cloud
      But I start to crack, I'm not safe but claim I've got it on lock
             I was taught how to smoke by the boys up the block
            See they were there in your place and I forgot your face and its to the point the only thing I love is my squad
          I'm done talking to God
          And my dealer won't pick up
          So I keep up the facade my smile is not a mirage and my desert of cracked lips actually budge and the muscles push up and it isn't that hard
          And I'm talking just to myself
          Watching as I grin
          Trying to make a fake into perfection

I have never liked the term

      "sloppy seconds"
                  
                  I believe that we renew ourselves with each love

The body of a poem
  
            Could never be as beautiful as *yours

I put you on my wall today
          As soon as I got home
              And I smilled at how you were crooked
                   And I tilted my head to really see you

      And that's when the water sloshed out of my ears and I was drowning

                      Your eyes became bubbles that helped me breathe
              When I sucked them in
  
       I became one with the pressure
The fluctuating force that I knew all to well
         Spilling from my ears like a cloud too heavy to hold its weight
    
             You drift off the wall and float with me, fragile, yet permanent and meaningful in my mind

I keep looking for a song to define the moment,
                 But the sound of your name fits every occasion

I met Sally on the hill with a nickel bag of ******.
      She didn't pay me in money.
Instead, information and a little persuasion made the baggie leave my right back pack pocket
     “Dollars could never have made sense of it anyway
          We throw pennies away opting for the opulence that big bills entail
   Retail will never amount to the amount I've blown on blow”
    Or so she said behind Louis Vuitton shades shielding eyes half dead
           A ****** with a monkey on her back fed by a steady stream of opiates
       “I open this line of communication so you can see we lack foundation and stability and yet
      We're trying to build a sand castle with all the powder we can possibly get
And if we're forced to forfeit that fortress, we snort more, still trying to forget” and with that she placed her sunglasses on top of her head

     I stood back with my back pack and I finally understood
                               Why drugs will make you richer than working ever could
                   They bag a gram put it on the scale and tell you what it weighs
      But they don't tell you how unnoticeable it is when your life slips away

         We sell the dream, we sell the aesthetics
    The drugs, the parties, the scene with guest lists
     Invincibility
        Pretty lights.
                Fun. All a lie.

*I almost fell on my face walking down the hill, staring into those blue eyes over my shoulder all the while.

Narcolepsy* hard and heavy watch me fall asleep
            Lulled to bed in a cunning thread of the tangled web we weave
    I dream in pristine colors, windows of my mind anew
No fingerprints or ***** looks or evidence of you

         I find comfort in forever wherever it may be
        I may have left my home but it will always stay with me
                 The smell of all the smoke with the sound of all the rain
   On constant playback every second deep within my brain

        I found that time is all that matters and everything else faded
        I spent years and years learning how to forget everything I hated
    I've only gotten older and have nothing left to show
              Except a ringing alarm clock and blood on my pillow

     Narcolepsy** hard and heavy watch me as I sleep
     Another pill, another high, another date to keep
      If I shall die before I wake, I hope that I'm with you
    Then it won't matter where I go, cause you will see me through

There's a beautiful gun in my hand.
Flawless.
                     The nightshift sun gleams off the barrel like a swan on a lake
     At home against the humid sweaty dark pressing against everything yet awesomely singular

     The clock stopped a long time ago and gunshots took over in place of the ticks and tocks…

     (I'm chewing on something soft)

                        … and I never noticed.

It seemed natural.
Every bullet chambered was just another hour passing

       And though it feels like forever I know its been half a day
      

        Blood laces the treads of my shoes
     Hugging the rubber and drawing patterns that I'm less aware of than I am of...

     (What is this? It's good.)

... myself

         Everyone I know is sitting in a pile.
        No more alive than the gun itself.
Still they talk. Memories are shared and advice is given. I don't care to know if its real.

        Everyone talks. It makes sense.
   Even the dead.
  
           The ceiling fan noisily labors diligently if not futilely against the unspeakable heat. It's the only sound I can be sure of. The motion helps.

     Nothing else is moving except...

    
(Chewchewchewithinkicanithinkican)
    
        ...My jaw. Steadily gnashing through…

     (Everyone talks)

            My tongue. I don't care about the blood at my feet or the fact that its coming from my mouth.

      *What worries me is that now everyone is staring at me and I dont have any gun at all

I miss you
Now you only exist through photographs
     And I wonder if you smile between the frozen moments I see of you
   I plead its true
          Cause I'm bleeding new negatives of myself
    But the only pain I've felt was putting you on a shelf
                 I can't see it any different
    I think of you an infant and now I see you crawling and I wanna call your momma but I wonder if it matters and when to cut ties
     I cut all the veins until most of it died
     I got blood on my hands but most of it dried
  Somehow the blood mixed with filth and a vine grew inside
      And I wonder if I can touch your face if I climb

        *When is all lost?
When its all tossed aside and goes out with the tide?
                   I need a vanilla sky to make a horizon and bring back the water
             Meanwhile I hear mommas having a daughter and I want her to be a doctor automatically
     Cause success is something none of us ever got to see

Tell me the stories I haven't heard yet
While they're fresh on your mind so that you don't forget
I'll memorize every line and tell it just like you did
Long after you're gone I'll tell them how you lived

I'll write you a letter each year on the day
And lay it with roses at the site of your grave
I'll ask the same question in gods name I pray
It reaches you in some impossible way

I* remember the feeling of waking up for nothing
                   The empty, gray taste everything had
        How I'd stare off
Out windows
Or across streets

                              I remember walking to the river
           And the grass not bending beneath my feet
              The current wouldn't change nor stop for me
   And I imagined it would always be this.
               Having everything I had always wanted right in front of me and it not matter

            I remember being stuck in the rain and not getting wet

         Watching
             Quietly accepting what was, and simultaneously not acknowledging what it meant.
    
        It was comfortable, but now *I want control.

Phones* are like *relationships:
*You really love them at first, but soon, they just don't do it for you anymore and you want one with better features

I'm taking my life. to the pawnshop on a dusty summer-fall morning
     Because at this point I'm not sure what to use it for anymore
               And they'll give me cash for trash
   Like a mountain of crushed cans in exchange for a dream money can buy in a clear plastic baggie

Sometimes I sleep so **** long
    
  The fabric of my dreams rots around me*

                                             **And im left lying on a cold unforgiving slab of reality.

You enter
      Riding on a soundtrack of rising blood pressure and self defeat
       Every conversation kills itself at the sight of you;
     A *joke not quite worth telling, that no one would laugh at anyway
          Every eye stops to stare at you
        *An aging car crash of a human
Wrecked and painted in dried blood
     Seducing onlookers with a rinky-**** smile
     Missing the convenient yellow caution tape that tells you life stops here
          
       You complain to fill the spaces left by your depleting self worth
  That wasn't much there in the first place
In the mirror you see dirt
    And you can't wash it away, no matter how hard you try
Cause you're ****** in all the wrong ways
Up until you die

     Unintelligently designed
Your stupidity is almost genius
       You blame others for mishaps that you have gained
                            Your sickness a silent auction
                       Anyone could have caught it
       Infectious Anonymous
Attended every week
      And yet you're still so pathetic
you don't accept you're a disease worse than any flare up that could take hold
        You don't know how to recognize the facts that you've been told

       You complain to fill the spaces left by your depleting self worth
  That wasn't much there in the first place
In the mirror you see dirt
    And you can't wash it away, no matter how hard you try
*Cause you're ****** in all the wrong ways
Up until you die

I've been looking for you all around

I can't find you in old photographs
And sometimes I can't reach you by phone
    But when I look in the mirror and see my smile

*I know I've found you

.                       She'll
take
                        off
her
                        clothes
for a                     little bit of coverage
Ride                     windows down
in the rain              like she loves it
                                What she'll do
                             for a hundred likes
                             on a website
  in real life              
      Is something project X like
her best nights
Her friends lie about her importance 
Beauty cant get you on a Forbes list
                                          But her dreams only  
*exist when attention shuts out pain

Hometown
  Heartbreak
    You wonder how much you can take
         Couldn't fathom what you do
     He left you to start anew
The dishes pile up
   Even though you haven't been hungry
You wait for the call
   To fly out and make money
LA for a week
You live day to day like the rest of us
I see past your concealer
You go back and its mixed love

There's a tenderness you've known
You know it best when its fading
You just wanna feel at home
But there's no escaping

     You've gotten used to the names and how mean they can be
    They take who you are in scenes too seriously
  But there's some things you can't help
You've loved and you've lost and protected yourself
       And through it all you've stayed who you began as
   And you still will if it doesn't pan out

       Looking for that one unbreakable connection
  You just want to feel true love
You still believe with every wrong step and misdirection
*Even pornstars fall in love

Nails to keep me held high
   Looking down at what I love
Bleed me until i'm dry
        For every moment I lost touch
          I could never be your savior
      And truthfully its my loss
I know we look good on paper
  
              But I feel like I'm more at home on this *cross

Ripping out pages and crumpling paper
Lately I can't just express without saying
Something too raw pulling **** out the closet
Leave grown women sobbing this **** is bizzare just
Bare with me I'm sorry my life is revolving
I'm falling in hallways get faded to jot this
Can't bring you up every girl I'm involved with
Hates you to death, because I share my heart with
You and you only
Only you see my side
We've loved and we've lied and we've cuddled and cried
We built up our pride
We've drank and gotten high
But every sober moment
Protected my mind
You rejected my kind gestures and efforts in time
made me realize I played the Jester
Just to get by
Wonder why did I lose love?
Well at least I did try
Stealing you rings just to make you all mine
Still remember your size
Those seven point fives that you'd take off at night
I know you lost a couple shouldn't come as a surprise
We both lost it all even who we both are
These emotional scars make what we had hard to find
I'm just stuck in the car strapped along for the ride
I tapped in to the side of me that's still too in love
I know its too much and you don't want to rush, but

Me and you were playing house
Start thinking that I'm losing touch
Falling asleep together on Mare's couch
Maybe I should loosen up
When I leave you and I go home
I start forgetting what it is
Gotta keep in mind our two beautiful kids
I mean that's *reason enough to ******* live

Why are we wasting our relationship on other relationships?*
You know how sticky these situations get
You go up higher than me some days
You know what I think we could be some day
But you already know my side of things, man

You're my drug fueled fantasy
And all i want is you to dance with me
I'm never coming down
Rather overdose than have a peak
Will you intravenously love me for the right price?
I need your high tonight.
And i just might do anything to feel your bite

I can't get over you*
      But I hate you.
  You hardly come around.
I used to date you when your time frame was more abrupt
    You'd show up with a kiss and a hug
  Give me the gift of love
With no glove on, just pure touch
      Pushing your button and gripping you tight
   We used to get by
You'd always take me back
  For the very last time
Stuck between whether it's wrong or its right
     Being this naked
We'd always fight and when it was amazing, even they loved it.
       From cover to cover, our bed was made up and it read like this:
      "Here lies Poetry and her Poet, God rest their souls on crumpled paper"*
      If we make it
And our love is a mainstream instrumental, will you come back and talk to me or will you choke me on your lies,
All your promises meeting their demise in a pair of telling deceitful eyes that I couldn't draw
    The paper might rip in these hands made of straw
      But the years will drag on with me gripping two halves beyond repair trying to grasp the reality of your infidelity

You were there before I ever wrote
Long before I ever smoked
You knew me before they did
All of em
You saw me change
As a stranger
Far away from all my mishaps and danger
You saw the side effects of pills too hard to swallow
You knew me before I had ever had my heart broken
Before I had my thoughts stolen by harsh words spoken

Before the scars


I remember breaking a window.
All I did was knock.
You were inside with the lock engaged
A boxed in cage
I could not just stay out of

Not too long after that night the seven or more blocked the door and I applied more than an appropriate amount of lotion that his corneas adorned
Immature?
Maybe but it may be I was scared

Scared enough to knock so hard
I obtained my first scar in the front yard of a Heritage Pointe apartment


You knew me when your world got tossed into a cold wind
My sole friend in an inconsolable state
The thirteenth the date, at least I think, my birthday was late
The drive home was too long in the stone cold silence in the wake of unfathomable violence
I loved you enough to feel empathy for the first time
My sister just not in blood usually just said she was fine like some corny degrassi line with true emotions deep in holding in the circus of your mind
But here you were crying
A sign of a signing away of youth
I watched as you grew

Our lives are a sitcom and we've lost the remote
And pretty much all hope of ever calling it quits
We're as stuck as it gets
Family runs thick

We knew each other before we became moms and dads
Back when we we're all we had
You were Daddy Yankee, I was  more Kanye West
But we always went well together, Sister you're the best

Knees buckling
   He'd give up anything to feel her touch's healing strength
      But foreboding dreams kept showing things
          Movie scenes that seem to tear the seams of time itself and lay the twine atop of a shelf too high for him to reach
      He'd die in this moment if he thought it would help
    Some memories haunt so deep eternal sleep offers no escape
         Karma waits with ten million watt light bulbs to illuminate your every flaw
     Every argument caused builds a tallied wall there's no way out and they'll never fall
      Stuck in a room of doubt and sappy songs you can't sing along too because every tune brings her face back to you in vibrant hues

Death wouldn't help

This is Death

      Watching the light gradually die from your eyes
   Fabricated surprise on my behalf had you think that the sky was the limit
     You can't fly but a minute before you crash
     And when I'm not in the cockpit with you I'll laugh
     Like all our little silly jokes that no one used to get
     Your screams for help Will fall on deaf ears, **don't you forget

I just closed my eyes for five minutes
Now I'm dealing with moving on and vindictive *******
       This isn't it is it?
Cause I still know ******* who love me from two years ago
Back when they would try to steal my spot and I'd let it go
Any inhibition
In the kitchen cooking beef in the skillet saying **** it lets **** ****
Back when I ran the town
They still played around
While I kept **** down to a whisper
Still smoking loud
But moving in silence
Not dealing with violence but keeping blades beside me just in case they try me
Must not think highly of themselves taking a dive anywhere at all
Improvised grave sites excite me
I love watching the fall
I love watching her leave
Til she walked out of my life and said she felt relieved
Left me alcoholic beverages and bottles of Aleve
And curly hair all over me still searching for a reprieve

Love goes for his guns,
            *But Apathy's too **** quick.

Frost on your window
     Heartbeat off tempo
     Don't wanna open the door too scared what you're in for
     You've been here before
     But it's never hit so close to home
     You don't know if you need to be held
     Or just be left alone

But come in girl, I swear it's warm inside
If you can't take it baby, we'll both go hide
Tell me what you're thinking, I've been around
In a room full of frowns, you still put it down

     Calls on your phone
     Letters at home
     They used to not talk, now they've missed you so long
     But they just can't make it
     Their time has been taken
     And your stuck here waiting
     Circumstances won't change just

*Let me in girl, I promise, just confide
I can take it, I've got nothing to hide
Tell me what you been thinking, baby I've been around
In a room full of frowns, I'll still hold you down

You played doctor when I needed you
         Then passed as I held on
  You left abruptly at the crack of a smile
         And always hung above, loose yet binding, in a moment of grief
            You take life away with each successive sunset
      And you've always been before we ever gave you a name.

*My greatest enemy, my only friend.