There is no point in living this life unless you find someone or something to love. A person who you would want to spend the rest of your life with or an occupation that you are passionate about.
Weirdly enough, the famous song of Bon Jovi is also true—too much love will **** you. But maybe, this should be seen from a love recipient's perspective.
We all want to feel loved. Especially when everything else hates you—like Math, music, or your very own biological family who you live with under one small **** roof—finding love is really just a lucky event. However, it will soon overwhelm you.
You would think that you do not deserve the joy and happiness that you feel when you are with this person. Soon, you will think that he is too good for you. You might also think, "Why would he even want to spend more time with me when I am such a mentally unstable, emotionally broken, and pitifully toxic *****?"
Be careful what you wish for. One might not be ready to receive the love that is being given to us. It feels as if it's ******* life and love from this dearest person and you have nothing to give. This person is so full of love and you are full of filth (well, at least you are not nothing). And it fills you with guilt that you can never make the person feel the same. Soon, you would think that he would walk away—the best person with the kindest heart, the best love of your life, the ******* best—because you have ****** and licked clean his jar of love and you gave nothing in return. Funny thing is that you don't even ask for him to love you. He just does. And that becomes more painful than ever.
Having that thought in mind makes you just want to leave to prevent the heartache and the burn out which the love of your life will suffer from. But you do not have the strength to break up with him because that kind of blow would be too hard that you would painfully hurt him. It seems as if having him burned out is the better way to "break up" with him because at least you think that it would be his decision to leave. It gives you this sick comfort that he left and you have confirmed your filthy self-concept. You have confirmed how undeserving you are and proved that you are the worst person to be with him.
But, he still stays. He still stays despite all your filth being thrown at his clean self. You have shown most of your darkest thoughts and he still chooses to stay. And it hurts you more because it would now be too hard to break up with him and hurt him because now you care more and this person has become the person who is preventing you to quit life. He is a hindrance between your wrist and that small, sharp blade that will surely deliver what you think you deserve. You clearly still do not have the strength to let him go that quickly (sick selfish wimp).
Now, you are stuck with a dilemma and all you can do is cry your eyes out. It's the only cathartic way that will allow you live another day for him until the day he gives up. It seems chaotic now. Everything else is falling apart from this one man who stands in the midst—all clean and smiling—offering you a nicer future. You are not sure whether to take the hand or the blade.
But, tonight, you take the hand yet you keep the blade in your pocket. Now, you carry it around while you walk with him hand in hand. And now, you just made your situation almost impossible to solve.
I am deeply in love with someone. I love him so much that I feel like I would never ever be able to match the kind of love I perceive him giving. This essay has been that strong, little voice which seductively whispers to my ear saying that I am not enough, I do not deserve such beauty and love, I will never be anything but a thorn in his side.
But his patience, his genuineness, and his love do little wonders. He never invalidated what I felt and he listened instead. He listens and talks to my pain like a grown man listening intently to a child's "delusions" but never insults the child's words, mind, and feelings.
He has been nothing but patient, understanding, and sweet. Like an angel caressing my demon—calming it down. He never waged war with it but has only offered a shoulder for it to rest after its exhausting attempt to sway me to my devil's mind.
If struggling, moving, and living with my demon is the only way to deal with this then struggle, move, and live it is.
AJ, my love, you are not my knight in shining armor for you have been more than that. You are my friend who stays with me in my prison cell.