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eric smith May 3
if i’ve learned anything
after these
long and cold
16 years
of life
it’s that
is key
you can’t force
one to feel
the way
you feel
about them
and i know
you’ll be lost
and confused
it’ll hurt

you’ll wonder why
she doesn’t love
as much as
she does
“what does he have
that I don’t?”

you’re too afraid
to ask
because perception
is everything
you’ll constantly ask your self
you’ll try hard
to change
just to fit their needs
but you’d be lying to them
and yourself

you’ll change
only to be left
utilizado como un felpudo
stepped all over

then you’ll wonder if
it was your fault
your fault for falling in love
your fault for being this way

you’re broken
and you’re tired
and every attempt you make
to change
is seen
as an act of
but i was never able
to understand
why it’s bad to be
desperate for
i need to stop changing for people who wouldn’t do the same for me.
Translucent memories
Leafs falling from the trees
Green flowers
White rectangles
Blue circles
Fire in the water
Strength has faltered
Vacant in the mind
No track of time
i shaved off all my hair
i thought it was some feminist statement
i thought it was an outer expression of an inner revolution

but now i avoid mirrors and wish to god i could afford a decent wig

i gained 50 pounds
i thought i was saying f*ck diet culture to the man
i thought i was just allowing my body to self-soothe

but i fantasize about the times i used to think i was fat
at least she had hair

i climb into my bed and wish i hadnt thrown out my cigarettes and wish i had hair and wish i was small again and wish i could just sleep for a few more years.
on that depression kick
With my reflection-
She always wins

At least she is
And cannot scream
Back at me

I am left to hate her
For the both of us
I must learn to love her for my soul
objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear
just behind the eyes lies the hope and the fear
back up just a little and the picture becomes clear
objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear
Forget about the face,
My ears are question marks
And oddly placed.
Everything that can be said, they say -
I'm a DNA Man Bacon Sundae.

The eyebrows too I think,
One of them's a caterpillar
And clearly out of sync.
Some say asymmetry is beautiful in its way -
I'm a DNA Man Bacon Sundae.

At 66 my lips are thinning,
Squinting sideways when I smile
In effect more akin to grinning,
My English teeth a little grey -
I'm a DNA Man Bacon Sundae.

The right positioning and number of limbs
Does little to improve
The overall slackness of bones & skin.
Indeed, I don't walk so much as sway -
I'm a DNA Man Bacon Sundae.

So there it is, my mirrored Self,
Companion in my ageing days,
Heir to generations of rich genetic wealth.
Self Portrait, posed to flatter, as displayed -
I'm a DNA Man Bacon Sundae.
Sixteen Jais Jan 9
Create your own reality, control it with mentality and mentally believe that you are right where your need to be.

Does the past define you?
And your now predict ya?
Do you feel the same as in last years pictures?

I don't believe in fixtures
We're evolving you see
And cosmically

But if you only see with eyes
And only hear with ears
Then the connection and perception
then suddenly disappears
Anonymous Jan 7
There is no point in living this life unless you find someone or something to love. A person who you would want to spend the rest of your life with or an occupation that you are passionate about.

Weirdly enough, the famous song of Bon Jovi is also true—too much love will **** you. But maybe, this should be seen from a love recipient's perspective.

We all want to feel loved. Especially when everything else hates you—like Math, music, or your very own biological family who you live with under one small **** roof—finding love is really just a lucky event. However, it will soon overwhelm you.

You would think that you do not deserve the joy and happiness that you feel when you are with this person. Soon, you will think that he is too good for you. You might also think, "Why would he even want to spend more time with me when I am such a mentally unstable, emotionally broken, and pitifully toxic *****?"

Be careful what you wish for. One might not be ready to receive the love that is being given to us. It feels as if it's ******* life and love from this dearest person and you have nothing to give. This person is so full of love and you are full of filth (well, at least you are not nothing). And it fills you with guilt that you can never make the person feel the same. Soon, you would think that he would walk away—the best person with the kindest heart, the best love of your life, the ******* best—because you have ****** and licked clean his jar of love and you gave nothing in return. Funny thing is that you don't even ask for him to love you. He just does. And that becomes more painful than ever.

Having that thought in mind makes you just want to leave to prevent the heartache and the burn out which the love of your life will suffer from. But you do not have the strength to break up with him because that kind of blow would be too hard that you would painfully hurt him. It seems as if having him burned out is the better way to "break up" with him because at least you think that it would be his decision to leave. It gives you this sick comfort that he left and you have confirmed your filthy self-concept. You have confirmed how undeserving you are and proved that you are the worst person to be with him.

But, he still stays. He still stays despite all your filth being thrown at his clean self. You have shown most of your darkest thoughts and he still chooses to stay. And it hurts you more because it would now be too hard to break up with him and hurt him because now you care more and this person has become the person who is preventing you to quit life. He is a hindrance between your wrist and that small, sharp blade that will surely deliver what you think you deserve. You clearly still do not have the strength to let him go that quickly (sick selfish wimp).

Now, you are stuck with a dilemma and all you can do is cry your eyes out. It's the only cathartic way that will allow you live another day for him until the day he gives up. It seems chaotic now. Everything else is falling apart from this one man who stands in the midst—all clean and smiling—offering you a nicer future. You are not sure whether to take the hand or the blade.

But, tonight, you take the hand yet you keep the blade in your pocket. Now, you carry it around while you walk with him hand in hand. And now, you just made your situation almost impossible to solve.
I am deeply in love with someone. I love him so much that I feel like I would never ever be able to match the kind of love I perceive him giving. This essay has been that strong, little voice which seductively whispers to my ear saying that I am not enough, I do not deserve such beauty and love, I will never be anything but a thorn in his side.

But his patience, his genuineness, and his love do little wonders. He never invalidated what I felt and he listened instead. He listens and talks to my pain like a grown man listening intently to a child's "delusions" but never insults the child's words, mind, and feelings.

He has been nothing but patient, understanding, and sweet. Like an angel caressing my demon—calming it down. He never waged war with it but has only offered a shoulder for it to rest after its exhausting attempt to sway me to my devil's mind.

If struggling, moving, and living with my demon is the only way to deal with this then struggle, move, and live it is.

AJ, my love, you are not my knight in shining armor for you have been more than that. You are my friend who stays with me in my prison cell.
Lost Dec 2018
I am a gum wrapper
Stepped on in the mall

I am a piece of taxidermy
Mimicking signs of life

I am a popped balloon
In a hot car

I am a lost and found box
Filled with all the things
People won’t bother
To come back for

I am a used bandaid in a public restroom

I am an incomplete deck of cards

I am a wax figure

I am a cigarette ****

I am roadkill
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