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fika Apr 16
you are the person that makes me feel ok
sometimes i just need you
It’s ok,
You didn’t get the person that you wanted.
Once again, you put your love out there
Showed your heart
Telling how you felt
Took that chance

And right at that moment you were just about to tell them you love too.
But it didn’t happen...
I would say I’ve been through my fair share of trauma.
I have tried to be resilient. I have tried to deal with each hurdle. I look back and there’s been downs but I’ve always walked with my head high. I have kept going even when I didn’t feel like I could.

The last 8 weeks. It broke me. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it. It has been so horrific. Even though I’ve been through more horrific psychical and emotional trauma. I fell into a hole that I didn’t think I was going to make it out of.

Have you ever just felt so numb where you stare at a the tv or the wall and don’t know what time or day you are up to. Where tears fall without noticing.  Where you soak your shirt with snot. You can’t pin point what’s hurting more.

The heart break. The betrayal. That someone with an agenda took your career and basically ripped it up in front of you. You want to run. But in my entire life that’s all I have done. This time though, you lack energy you cannot think about driving.

For the first time in a long time you think how easy it would be to drive a car into a tree. You ache. You start mourning people who have left and you don’t know why or where it’s coming from. You feel afraid. So you don’t leave the safe sanctuary. You just sit. Too scared to move. For the first time in a long time I can’t trust myself.

People try and console you, what would you tell a patient right now if you were them? You would tell them there’s hope. That there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. That it’s going to be ok. Its not the same. Because I can’t tell myself that because I am broken and I don’t believe it.

For the first time in a long time I didn’t know what to do. Despair and pain creep in. Confidence and my never ending smile disappears. Usually I can walk and smile and no one would know. How did I become so vulnerable. Why has this broken me.

Control is why. I have no control over any of this. I would be homeless if it weren’t for family.  Even though they walk around not able to get in, because I shut them out. I can’t be weak. I won’t allow it. But I don’t have a choice. I’m a mess. I am weak. But I’m slowly learning. It’s ok. This is not my fault.

10 years ago Keith died. Because he didn’t feel as though he could go on. He felt broken and disappointed and backed into a hole he couldn’t get out of. He is the one that reminds me that there is Hope. He might be gone. But he always told me  that if you can find one positive every day then it’s worth living for. if you can’t you ask someone to be positive for you. Every year I beat myself up. I could have done more. Even with everything I know now, I feel like we let him down.  I know he would be cheering me on and he would not want me to give up. whilst my heart aches all the time. It’s a reminder of what pain it caused losing him and why I had to get over myself and ask for help. I know he would tell me that ‘Life is good, always all good’.
Nat Lipstadt Jan 4
O.K. God, time to chat: my friends in Australia
asking for rain, and the conflagration has proved
sufficient to press us with your awesome skill set,
your methodology, driving the knife point into us
to point to us
the errors of our owned ways

this has altered the terms of our truce, so get it pouring,
open them skies and let it rain, bringing betterdays

the Day of Atonement (our MUTUAL Judgement tabulation)
is 9 months away, your plus/minus yellow list on lined legal pad
of what have I done this year is badly in the red,
bordering on flaming ******* orange,
I ain’t in the mood for all your
purposeful accidents,
mocking our human ratiocinations

your angels whisper me private like,
you’ve got free will,
the devilishly blessed curse bestowed upon some of the creatures,
but this beef between us could be resolved with a little rain

you want me to pray in January?
something I never do so early in the year,
as my sin chiefest is procrastination, the dire need is greater
than just our private war, so here comes my blended knees,
anger and a begging

begging with a pinch of insouciance of one who knows
your dating profile lies and exaggerations

The Hebrew Prayer for Rain

Af Bri is the title of the prince of rain,
Who gathers the clouds and makes them drain,
Water to adorn with verdure each dale,
Be it not held back by debts left stale,
O’ shield the faithful who pray for rain...
May He send rain from the heavenly towers,
To soften the earth with its crystal showers,
You have named water the symbol of Your might,
All that breathe life in its drops to delight,
O' revive those who praise Your powers of rain…

Our G‑d and G‑d of our fathers,
Remember our father Abraham who was drawn after You like water,
Whom You did bless like a tree planted near streams of water,
You did shield him, You did save him from fire and water,
You did try him when he sowed by all streams of water,
For his sake, do not refuse water.
Remember Isaac whose birth was foretold over a little water,
You did tell his father to offer his blood like water,
He too was heedful in pouring out his heart like water,
Digging in the ground he discovered wells of water.
For his righteousness' sake, grant abundant water.
Remember Jacob who, staff in hand, crossed the Jordan's water,
His heart attuned to You, be rolled the stone off the well of water,
When he wrestled with the angel of fire and water,
You did promise to be with him through fire and water.
For his sake, do not refuse water.
Remember Moses in an ark of reeds drawn out of the water,
They said: He drew water and provided the flock with water,
And when Thy chosen people thirsted for water,
He struck the rock and there gushed out water,
For his righteousness' sake, grant abundant water.
Remember the High Priest who bathed five times in water,
He bent and washed his hands with sanctified water,
He read from the Scriptures and sprinkled Purifying water,
He kept a distance from a people turbulent as water,
For his sake, do not refuse water.
Remember the twelve tribes You did bring across the water,
You did sweeten for them the bitterness of water,
For Your sake their descendants spilt their blood like water
Turn to us, for our life is encircled by foes like water.
For their righteousness' sake, grant abundant water.
For You are G‑d, who causes the wind to blow and the rain to fall.
For a blessing, and not for a curse -Amen!
For life, and not for death -Amen!
For plenty, and not for scarcity —Amen!

p.s. allow extra time this September next, when you make your confession, your most irreverent fan
JusticeMeJE Dec 2019
I am django,
Fighting for the life you do not want to see,
Nor a life curved like a mango.
But a life I want to feel.
I am django,
Fighting to be me.
Capriccio Dec 2019
Yes I must confess
I am on the verge of being

No, not homeless
Just without permanent residence
It is hardly a bother or source of much sadness
Once one remembers home resides
Inside filled with Love, Light
Times of Remembrance
eli Dec 2019

its ok
Hope Nov 2019
My hands have turned cold
No longer warm from your touch
Not like the growing fire in my chest
I miss your radiant smile and
How it filled what alcohol couldn’t
And your sweet laugh
That gave me the buzz whiskey didn’t
And your honey eyes
That made me glow like wine wouldn’t
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