you glisten in the sunlight,
and glow in the moonlight,
you're my compass,
my direction in life,
the beat in my heart,
and the sparkle in my eyes.

like my guitar
and your eyes
and the way you looked that night
and the stars in June
in the big Vermont sky
and the way my heart
always shined around yours.

it whispers as I drive past,
luring me in,
I park near the rocks.

I exit the car with my long locks,
descend the stairs,
run with the sand,
wind in my hair.

I breathe in the salt air,
and stare at the force of the ocean,
its beauty,
its strength,
and yet,
its fragility.

I pause.

As though to awake from a dream,
tired and drained,
I walk back to the car,
suddenly aware of the sand stuck on my feet,
and my knotted hair.

Coming back
As if nothing changed

Texting me
As if you didn't stop

Using the same language
As if we're on the same terms

As we were
Back when I fell in love.

I wonder if when I die
Someone will find comfort in the poems I write
That when I reach a peace
They too can see some sort of calm in the distance

Like a withering light
A flickering spark
It's fleeting
But enough for you to walk through the tunnel.

dripping on my page
I can't take this pain
my eyes blur
I can't even see the page anymore
and the writing is doubled unrecognizable lines

I want to disappear.

It's easier for me
to die
than to try

but every time someone asks me if I'm fine,
I lie.

I open my eyes
to see a sun so bright
up on this mountaintop
I find a rock and stand up
I breathe in, as the dust picks up
the wind of life
carries my body away tonight

you make me feel like I'm six years old again
running scared and crying behind chairs
you make me feel like I'm not enough
but I am
because you don't define who I am
yes, you make me sad
and yes, you are the favorite
but I am no longer six years old
You are not my maker
And you are not my breaker.

breathe
sleep
eat
walk
talk
be.
You and her together again,
leaving me like a piece of cardboard on the street
you kicked around, but never really wanted.

so alone
i forgot how it felt to be held

took a cold shower
because i didnt want to remember

why is it the people I always check in with,
never check in with me?

And even when they do,
it is never more than a simple,
"how are you?"

I gasp for air
I reach for the surface
I fall by the call

I hope I will see
another deity
coming from the sky
like a prince or a knight

I wish for the day
I finally see the light
because I'm drowning in denial
and all the plight
I see in my life
where there used to light.

your love
is a vast sky
with stars so bright
I go blind
and can't see anything
but you.

I often look up at the television
seeing heroes like the black widow,
and warriors like blodreina,
and I want to have this power,
but a society with people like this cannot function.

These people inflict so much pain on civilians,
that they would never be allowed to exist,
in reality.

Hidden under the depths,
they may be discovered,
but killers and the innocent cannot coexist,
despite needing each other to survive.

Sometimes I feel like all of the ink in my hand has run out
I keep making the motions
But I don't feel the emotions
I keep drawing in the air
But I can no longer sense anything there.

the call of the void.
I may not speak French,
but I seek the same:
existential freedom,
endless darkness,
eternal peace.

I've tried to hide my emotions for so long,
I'm starting to forget what I'm hiding.

It sometimes comes back to me,
like a dark wave of awakening,
and then back to the light and fake smiles I go.

Laying on a deathbed in heaven,
They said there was only happiness here,
forever.
Now all I wish for is
My heart to stop,
My lungs to empty,
To breathe my last breath.
So I just lay on my deathbed,
Looking at the perfect,
sparkling,
sky.

"it was just a dream,"
I whispered,
wishing I'd woken up to a different reality.

on pages
and hands
our love
around and around
we draw
and draw
until all your ink ran out,
and now I'm but a line
drifting on a blank canvas.

have no fear,
don't look back
only take words of wisdom,
from your own soul.

in your mind
all but a picture of me remains
but in mine
a movie is playing on repeat
and you are the lead
the director
and love interest

I want a passionate love
One that consumes me
One that takes me to highs I could never imagine

But love these days is limited
If you love someone too old, too different, the same gender
It's wrong
People move away

Things are spoken, and thus the magic disappears
Just as magic is expected to do

And yet, I want a love that consumes me
A love that rarely exists in this world
And I may never have it.

I light a match
just to see the flame
feel the warmth.
I blow it out
just to feel some power
over anything in my life.

if I smiled, would you like me then?
if my eyes weren't always filled with tears,
just waiting to be let out of their cages,
would you like me then?
when will I be enough for your love,
is it when all of mine runs out?

is destined to fade
like a heart
is destined to break,
and every line I write brings me
closer to sanity
but every sentence you take from my lungs,
brings me closer to vanity.

Dear God,
when will I find my humanity?

sure I already loved nature before,
how could I not?
with the glorious world around us
a literal fairytale outside our windows.

but something after you said those words,
made the rain look extra special in the light that night,
it was as though your words flipped a switch,
and now everything seemed so pretty.

I was still frightened of everything,
but my focus was no longer on my fear,
but on a feeling of glee,
and I felt so free,
even nothing had truly changed for me.

But it's pushing me to try,
I don't know why.

~Maybe my eyes miss having reasons to cry~

Pretty and silent.
Unspoken but seen.
Beauty,
her eyes.

Surrounded by death,
she stands,
a light in the dark.

A world taken,
yet she keeps it turning.
She keeps those left going.
She's a lifeline, not a lifesaver.

And when all hope is lost,
her heart beats loud and she stands.
She stands to fight.

Even when no one follows,
her hair is swinging in the wind above them.

She is the queen of the apocalypse.

im numb
but still sad
what is this life
something straight out of hell
its hard to breathe
and i wish i could be happy
but everything is just
so grey

constantly
corrupting
correcting
correctness
combining
comparing
­contrasting
canning
catastrophe
creating cages
claustrophobia
can't control
can't counter
can't contest
can't clean
can't cry,
can cry
cancel culture.

it comes so naturally to me these days,
each breath brings a wave of anxiety with it,
except this feeling doesn't leave when I breathe out,
it builds,
attacking my every cell,
till I can't breathe anymore.

I get stuck,
between walls,
about to be crushed,
frozen in time,
unable to escape.

a suffocating feeling,
helpless and alone,
reeling to break free.

so much hate
behind my back
i see you laughing
like a maniac

i leave the call
and everyone joins
i try to help
and they abandon me

i feel so alone
all of the time
like if i never called
theyd never try

music in my room
on these lonesome nights
never with another
till death do i part.

I try to speak because
I have so many thoughts
and stories to tell
yet I can't find the words
and my head just yells them
arguing back and forth,
what do I say next?

my mind is at war
and I'm just trying to win the battle,
a battle just to open my mouth
but I always seem to lose.
So I just sit there, silent.

And even my tears
seem to
fall
without a sound.

"DOubT ME AgaiN I DaRe YoU!"
she yelled
at the man
who said
she couldn't do it.

notes surround you
while you sob,
laugh,
and dance
the only thing that can truly
match your every move.

twitching ears
dripping snout
the eyes anyone could recognize
my puppy
my friend
my life