I spend months
Silently admiring her
All from a distance

I finally see my chance
And so, I take it
And insist this

"We should be friends"

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She welcomes me
Casually, into her life

We talk a lot and
She remembers, but
It is no longer night

And so, I let it end

I lay here and wonder about
The cruelty in our world today

People will judge and hate you
Before giving you a chance
And you won't have any say

They'll make assumptions
And laugh in your face, or worse
They might spit as you pass by

Yet all that we can do is lay here
And hopelessly wonder why

The poems that I used to scribble
Were fickle, were fictional
I had no raw words to write
Until I fell in love with you

Until I fell in love with your dimples
Including the ones on your back
Until I fell in love with your heart
And how you fell in love with me

Your brown eyes
Your hands poking out
Of my oversized hoody
And your hand in my hand

Your small *******
How they felt in my hands
And in my mouth
How I felt when your ******* went hard

The way you felt in my mouth
When we would kiss each other
And our lips would not fully meet
But our tongues would still play

I would bite your sensitive lip
And you'd give out to me
Until I would kiss it better again
And you would kiss my neck

And my chest
And my stomach
And all over my thighs
Oh, how we teased each other

We would share our mints
Through kisses
We'd sent ***** texts
***** pictures

We were only fifteen
We had a lot of ***
And now I'm seventeen
And you are my ex

And I don't miss you
But I wonder about you
I wonder about your dad
I wonder about your wrists

I wonder about your lungs
I wonder about your music
I wonder about whether
You wonder about me or not

I feel your stare burning me
More often than not
But my anxiety forbids me
From checking if it is true

Your laugh is ******* adorable
But your muttering makes me want to
Throw a table at your face
Leaving it as raw as this poem

Flash flash
Surround me with your body, your soul
Let's rest here, right here
Tell me more
My lips are sealed, I swear
Only you have the power
To unlock my lips
To unlock my mind
You amaze me
You are a maze to me
I simply can not figure you out
I don't get it
I don't get you
But I still love this
I really, really do
It's casual
Perhaps not quite so mutual
But so what!
I'm happy, you're happy
We're not hurting anyone
(No one important anyway)
We try and we succeed
Well, I'd consider this a success
But that's just me
You're so ******* beautiful
I love your lips
I love your lips so much
Let's just stay here
I love here so much
Spending time with you
Spending time outside
If only we could run
Then we'd be okay
We'd both be okay
But I guess for now we shall survive
And survival is key
Let's just let go
I guess I do like you
But I know that I must love you
As a friend, above all
Only I adore your passionate lips
I mean come on
I really want you
We really need to figure this out
I need to figure you out
I will figure you out...
Eventually.

I go to a party.
You ask to come along.
You join us, you make a mess, we leave and then return...
I try to help.
I always try to help.
I have to take you home, in the end.
You apologise profusely, but I deny your apologies.
I am happy to help.
I feel useful, for once.
Comforting friends is one of the few ways in which I manage to feel useful.
You get home safe.
I'm relieved.
But then she saddens...
She tries to laugh it off, as she says that she's not okay.
As soon as I let her know that it's okay to not be okay, she loses it.
I hold her.
I hold her so tightly.
I rub her arm and pull her body closer to mine.
She feels warm, but I can only imagine how cold she is on the inside.
I make an attempt, but I have no clue how to cheer her up.
If I'm honest, I don't think that she needs to be cheered up at all.
She needs to feel this pain.
She is so incredibly strong and I know that she should let herself feel it.
She needs to accept that it's over.
He's gone.
It's terrible, but he's ******* gone.
"It's sore, it's so sore," she tells me, through her sobs...
I pull her closer still.
I won't ever let her feel this hurt again.
I love her.
More and more friends gather around us and they all love her as much as I do.
As much as he should.
That ******* ****.
We cheer her up, temporarily, and she moves back onto the dancefloor.
They all dance and I go for some air.
They tell me that I am a man in their eyes.
I thank them, and I mean it, yet I can't help but feel sort of off...
I cherish their words, of course, but it shouldn't have to be like this.
I need a distraction.
Whether it be blood trickling down my arm, or smoke filling up my lungs, I want to **** it.
I want to **** this dysphoria.
This feeling of being wrong.
I'd love to feel right, for a change.
Why am I such an outcast?
I don't stand out, because no one sees me, but I definitely don't fit in...
I just want to be myself, inside and out, but I don't have the consent to do so.
They should've realised by now that this is what I need.
I need help.
I need more than just beautiful friends and family and alcohol and pain...
I need reassignment, not just reformation.
I need medical help, not just therapeutical.
I need love, not just care.
Love...
True love.
Sure, the thought counts, but I am in need of one ******* gesture.
One in particular.
I need it to be consensual.
You give me consent to kiss you.
I argue.
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
But you swear that you do.
"I don't want you to feel things," you admit, with tears flooding down your face.
Well, neither do I!
But I can't ******* help it.
I should really sleep, but now I need to feel things.
Something.
Anything.
Even if it is just the tears that I'm crying.
At least it's something.
But sometimes nothing is better than something.
I think we both need to remember that.
So forget your apologies.
I apologise.
I can't feel anything anymore...
I just want to feel euphoria.

Your ocean's waves wash confusion up onto my shore. I lap you up eagerly, without hesitation, but quickly become seasick.

The lust for an aid to quench my thirst has led me to such disparity. Who would've thought that I'd be poisoned by one of my own kind?

A swarm of emotions comes buzzing towards me and I have no clue how to feel. Is this even real? I find hallucination to be one of the finest forms of hope. It is the true personification of mind games.

Saltwater, saltwater, steer clear of me... I am quite damaged, but plan on soon mending. Stranded and alone, you would've thought that I'd be elsewhere by now.

Well, the truth is, that I have nowhere else to go... No one else to go to... So, I sit here and remain one with this confusion.

It is the most loyal company that I've had the fortune of owning, in all my years of experience, my tears of impatience, my fears of temptations...

I'm doing well! I still exist, at least. Perhaps I will have a different outlook next year, but for now, my survival is going according to plan.

I must remember to thank you for that, for it was you who led me here in the first place... It was you who taught me how to swim... And it was you who kept me afloat.

Hopeful fingers reaching out
Searching for more than we need
Greed exists within us all
Without denial, without a doubt
Hope, hope, hope...
Right beneath the surface

Meeting friendly people, in knowing
That friendship was never an option here
Slow journeys, with heavy eyelids
Wondering when home will return
For home is not a location
But a mere fly on the wall