Every turn, I take...

I felt the trench of heaving suddeness
I felt the simple rush, to rush

I felt a clash!
With wants, and following the flow
And no;
They are not aligned

One is sacrificing, one is true
And it's exasperatingly terrifying

To listen intently

Dimmest tights of all
The wolf behind the streets
Beneath a visage of grandeur lay a meadow of gray
Sit, Sweet Dear I only please you to stay
As the dusk turns to night, the dust begins to collect
The cob webs of falsehoods begin to string out further
Oh sweet! Oh dear!
It didnt take long for the dripping crested diamonds to pound into my ears.
As if a night of silk is better than the cotton of truth
And the chandelier is a flies trap am I the fly?

I scurry and buzz, Leap and fall on the ground
I wake up, but these thoughts were only a dream.

A casual smile is scary
Unsure of the moment I wanted to seem coy
Looking through dark leaves

They see me once more
this is okay

Unfolding pages of our folded selves
I easily unwrapped pages and poured wine

I Stood into the light and watched them blow rings around the moon
He stood slicked back as his body pooled into his car a certain kind of blackness
Dancing on our shadows of doubt and immediate relief
It was apparent this was a shot to the Trail
and I was gone

The belief she told me hurts
The wrongness of the wilderness moves me
The winter blend rounds me to our nostalgia
Painted eyes, Beauty roses, safeness guarded by painted eyes
Balloon strings tie us to the paradise city
Flowed us to a sitting garden of what we once were

Time ticks and sand licks the ground
Shadows deepen and the monster peels away
Beauty is sacrificing the petals can't dance to what they once were
My melody is so unsafe and may ties break

To the nostalgia of the innocence wakes
The blue skies break, flows in the shadows of grey
So long my childish ways

It felt so disappointing
To have

All I knew

Become something so distant.

So strong, so intensely -- like there was nothing that could stop me.
Nothing that could show me another way

And I felt so
Sadly, truthfully fallen
So broken

------ I could not speak ----

And every where I look the voice
inside me says
stay

But I felt so small. Something felt so wrong
So I asked
What do I do.

And nothing -- but you said to you --
Get through it all.
Just live
Just pass
Just go

And my head, my mind. This idea
Inside.
This reality
Where am --------------
I/////


The blank spaces. the intense thought, become
nothing
everything/
something

I am falling
Or am I diving
???

still I say -
I lost it all
in one night


I have never felt
so empty

yet so full

The kingdom I believe is within him

The night before last was the wind and it's sensations
I couldn't touch the grandness but I felt its nose peck at me with rays of swift fire
I didn't think the sand would bleed through my fists and the gold melted into my nails
(He was beautiful)


I was awake in another dimension asleep in a beautiful enigma of reality's hammock
The trees swiftly took me into the pyramids and strolled me into it's heaven and I couldn't laugh I couldn't lift, but in awe
My heart was thumping and my jaw was a quiver

Until, my lips were stale as he lounged on satin wire (my love is dyeing)
As he dove into his right fist his arms were wide
Until, the joy was unpleasing
and I couldn't lie around before I decided that I was to leave
The Nile was swift and fruitful
The lagoon was my midnight sensation

Dreams were further he was to close
I couldn't say the truth
The desert  embers on my teeth
And every bite I bleed a lie
I don't think I care anymore
(I should go)

He left with cracked diamonds and their flesh sparkling and my name was on either ring
I wringed for anything in us
but drops were nothing
The sizzle dissipates into air
Our burn was to simmer sometime  

( I will leave now)

Sublime blues
Midnight moon light
The hym of the abyss can find you.
(The siren calls for her prey tonight)


It was only  sinful lust
A robustly thick waist
A jar to slip blood.
She slips into fear of what she's done
(She dips her leg into water)

The water puffs black
The ripples are pacing quicker
A hiss is what she hears
(The night grows larger)

Her dark brown eyes form tears, chaos is here
She feels wrapped in a deformed arm
The panic wakes
The slick hands searches for her body
(The price she must pay)

She turns and prays
The scratch is so excruciating
She screeches 'save me lord'
The hand searches again
(The siren Digs in to take her down)

Her eyes will reflect the darkness
She screams for mercy
She begs for life
The hand hold her ankle and drags her
(She is drowning)

The kelp tangles her in darkness
Bubbles fall from her shaking lips
Her limbs are a stone blue
It was only a sinful lust
(She is slipping )

The fish tail wraps her body into an ocean cascade
Shells and pearl ornaments
The sea creature takes her soul and builds it with strength
(Her life is dieing but her eyes are changing)

She is no longer human
The sea has changed her vision
The siren hummed her to awake
She did not

The night of the frozen
The night of the mysterious
The night of the darkness

Her eyes awoke, finally
She startled the sirens to her
Piercing blue eyes

Eyes of the ocean sublime blue

The tightest grip on a loose tether string

I want to lose control
Be in control
How can they happen twice - at once?

I feel you, I see you, and its pounding.
I'm pounding.
And I can't lose myself, I can't lose control.
Oh You -  and how I stand alone again.

And when I do, lose control, I lose you.
But I need to lose control to get you.

Do I know what to say, do?
How to act....
How to feel...
I want to stay away.
I want you to stay away.
Or I may lose control, and I mean control over my senses

Yet, I need to stop worrying about controlling you or me.
Controlling how I want everything to happen.
You to happen,
Me to feel

So let it flow, free fall, tumble and take its wave.
Tumble on the shore, and pull back into the current - once more, it splashes down on the wet sand
And each curvature in the wave is so different, pushed by wind, and shaped by geography
And each push and pull towards you, should flow
As I realize this, I may lose my grip

And release

You I think of,
In every shape, form, wish.....

There it is - Your shadow is attached to the wall
And as I peel back, I could not find you,
The consequence of my bleeding nails...

I scratched, and clawed for you, only to see my own reflection
Of my mind.

The sun hangs low
Hanging over your head
Touching your cheekbones
The darkness is pulling you back
The craters of the moon are as steel as stone
A shot in the dark
Nervous hands make this task not a lark
The fire in your heart pounds
Pulsating your veins, within your ears echoing a thumping sound

As you arch your back
Sweat trickles down your arms
Your mind goes blank, you’re ready to attack
Every breathe, the fire swirls
Igniting a spark of light into the dark, an apple appears

The sweetness of light will appear in every dark spot
As the arrow bounced through the darkness the apple shattered
Shattered light. The lightness will succumb to darkness.
A fight you should not fright.

Can it be held?

The moment. The determination. The moment above you, turned to dust.

The determination like arrows thrown your forehead....

How long does it last?
The fires turns to embers so quickly
The flame is blown - out.

A swirling, beating intensity like tribal drums
Will it be switched?
Passion

Can it last....
Can it sit...
for Eternity so you do not have to grasp for evaporating dust

Lady of the dusk
and form of the light
Brisk and solid
Stiff around night....
Behold her crevices sheer
So long her presence here
Hammered into shape
She melts to the touch

With a crown on her skull
and a dusty white gown never dull
children giggled in the snow that day
watery moon eyes looked above
into silence, frozen motion and they looked at her with love......

their imagination grabbed their hairs
the lady was a queen of Bel aire
with three hundred carriages
Gold tinted windows
and lavish gowns stitched into jewels,
soft voice, loved by some and feared by many
She was the ruler and empress
A warrior and fearless, but loving to all

Eyes among many but few could gather
A butterfly wing in immediate flight
Alluring and sharp many couldn't fall out,
She wrapped them in her arms

fingers sharp as teeth
suddenly the legs show a crack beneath
the sun is beaming, but the children aren't gleaming
the glisten they were dreaming is puddling around them
Flood of the night and storming warriors
Intruders catch her breathe and they soon seize the kingdom
Doomed and lost
the little girl imagines
She bleeds in the night with a crack in her eye

Their beloved snow queen, it was gone
Their imagination of her is alone
only crys and hushed goodbyes

Nervous tick, like a beating drum, thumping, dumping.....

Pouring, waves, into your chest, waves of pure blue.

And electricity shoots through like a power surge
A fluttering heart cracks open ideas, waves of amazement
And dreams of vulnerability
And dreamers of fleeting ideas, caught in one giant (tornado)

Always a mess, undressed - eyes of green, blue, sage, summer days - wasting away

Are the feelings reciprocated?

Until a physical touch, is no longer caught in the distance. Until a physical touch is mentioned in your prescience

And all your tornados became storms of grey, black, and darkness shrouded your thoughts until you were touched with hesitancy.... with consistency.... with assurance

Now the fog rolls over the hills
The dust in the mountains collect
Now the rays of light pierce through the blinds
Where the flowers rise

So there again -
In minutes
Falling deeply

So intensely, so
Wildly so, so
Graciously so

And although
The night exhausts my bones,
The lightest, faintest glimmer of sunshine

Blinds my mind into nothingness
Into an ever falling, enfolding
Gripping, releasing
Tease of the
Eyes

My mind is looking
For an answer.

You.

Me?

I'm not sure anymore. Because,
When I look up, there you are.
And I..... lost it.
Those thoughts that make me - an individual.
Those thoughts that me me - unique.

........... End so quickly - with you in my presence.

My own being - lost.
My own mind - lost.

..........You can be too much.
To many thoughts, emotions, ideas for my being to
Handle.

And I am losing what I need.
Who I need to be.

- One Day, I will not need question marks (?)
One Day, I will not need last minute calls...
- One Day, I will not need confusion
One Day, I will not fall so deep into my delusion
And I will not hold onto a faint, loose, illusive - idea

To be in your presence -
I will, one day, not feel the need to be beside you -
Because I hope.

You're are no longer a hope......

And I will stand with my own two feet -
strong!
I will be planted in my own being, not hoping - for an idea.
I will be brave!

And I no longer wait for strength from other's before I ask it from myself.
I will no longer wait for their question marks to become my ideas of romance.
I will no longer wait for an idea
I will become the idea - of who I am meant to become

So I will never lose again.

So you did, listen.
And winds - blew me over.
And waves ****** me in.
And you did, hear me.

And you did, see me.
And all the stars collided - once and for all.

The ands, and ands.
Coming in unison - coming together.
The moment is the vase, the bowl, the pool of collections of moments
All rushing, together.

And I see how you cared, over and over and over.
Now, over and over and over,
one moment is the collection of how you - saw, believed, hear, watch, care.... how you want me,

How I want you

And a moment is not what is one moment

The moment is, now, how everything before and everything in the future is making this moment seem greater and
Larger.....
More, you look beautiful.

Imagine symbols
Imagine everyone

Long live your eyes
Pick your petals
Like sun drops

Imagine rocks
Imagine waves
Imagine you
Don't imagine me
(who are you)

You startle me like a window breeze
You scare me like a midnight howl
You see me like a small light
You know me like the spine on your back
You heard of me from the owl's noise
(Who are you, I want to)

I know of you and I know you well
Like a midnight veil I want you
I cant see you
Clearly its very concrete
My cloud is strung to my heart
And your steps are pulling me to your walk
My eyes wont  sleep my head is dumb
I'm lost in your walk
(I'm searching for you)

I don't know you

Heaven's drops of gold crystallized
Smeared like fairy dust
Speckled puncturing wings float
Spinning on a top
Hung by the wind wires
Carrying a drop of sugary splurge  
Giving to all
All, near

As the green lush opens
Caresses the smooth shadows in the morning dusk the tired wings wake
Flapping  
Floating, as one peacefully
Gained momentum
To reach the peak, then she flapped..

To sprinkle dust of the heavens
Down to those.

Asking for none in return

My mouth is guided to a pasture of white roses
The momentum of the unseen builds like a sparkling night

The dark shadows unhinge me as the stone wall stacks like bricks
The vines wrap around its crevices and webs into spontaneous paths
My mouth guides to the light as my eyes roll back

I decide to stick my arms to my chest and feel the light of dust roll onto my arms
Push, Push, Pull
I drink the light as my body is closer to full exposure of it's power
The tingling of teasing is so close
My heave to reach to the top of the rose garden is extraordinary
I push and pull with every arm, but every time my mind is more excited I become weaker
My mind is foggy
The roses are now blooming into red, and the night is changing into day and the lure of the mysterious is straying it's luster
As my weak body touches the top of the Stone Wall I split my legs into two and dangle my legs with the faintness of falling between the stone wall.  

The moment my mind feels the light on my nose I fall back
I fall back into a dark black ground
My body rolls around in the ground as I find more ways to feel more sorry for myself

I am depressed with rage and sorrow

The light thickens into blackness and the roses begin turn into a darker more deep blood red.
I see my hands pick up the blood from my lips as they drip red, blue, black, and purple
I see my eyes as they puff up into black and my skin peels back into so many layers of rough edges

I wanted to be seen! Oh how I wanted to see the light of day! I wanted to feel the skin on my cheek.... I wanted to be seen in the light for what I am.

The stone wall held me back

The wall covered in roses took away my skin and gave me a different pair of eyes.

So I am looking at myself in the black water shielded by the sun, who is this body? What do these eyes want you to see?

They want you to hear the unheard and see what you can not.

Maybe I can - said she
The little petals seemed like crowned jewels...
And I breathed

Something more.

It felt like connection
Sense
This deepness

I have never known
And I felt I could.
The stars seemed like guides.

And. I knew — where my compass....

Directing me
Slowly

Blows my sails

We come and go, going far out

When we enter our vessel..... we fall - deep into the darkest abyss, but all seems light by day
When we fall and grow in ourselves, we constantly run - all around a quiet star

We lock our chests inside a wall
We  stain flowers in our garden
We burn every paper - containing evidence of our manifestation

And I sit inside my own, waiting to burn inside

The life I live and its perilous surrounding - came circle again, once again

And the burning became an amber - crystallizing as stone

A flit of the wrist in her eyes
Flickering like stars in the night
Less to do with fear, the curiosity of a different view point
Kept her sleeping in the forest

I loved him,
Even though I said, "no more"

Even though, I took a stand

I still love him

I see into him,
His desire
Awakened my desire
And my desire

Became our desires

But, a long distance away
A time away,
A thought (that became too many thoughts)
Too many thoughts, alone
Became fearful forces
That forced and forced to find pleasure

Yet, emptiness in this loneliness became the only outcome

Of being so far away
Gave positive contemplation
With the mixture of insane

...Over-contemplation

And still, I love him
I think I always will
I think, I always have

The howl for freedom is  preserved

The glass bird can splinter at any moment
The thick leash is obliged by humanity
(Freedom is payed for but not owned.)

Empty. Unsatisfied. Scared. Self consciouss.
The light will manifest on a rich man's golden tooth, not in your heart
The pressure to be someone is killing you inside
The rusting mold tool is worn down
Publicity is the one to blame.

The freedom of our minds
Our soul
Our body
Our heart
Our thoughts

This mini universe inside of us.
Has been scrambled at birth.

We live in a touched world where few are touched
These freedoms are no longer thought of as your own
Self Love is crashing.
Self hatred is green.
What do we own if we don't own ourselves?

Say what you feel; open
Then everything will become free
Don't ever hold back

Im now 20,

and sympathize those in the same age category as me

----

The painful

insanely, mechanical yet dizzying push to be

--something --
titles, names, high status nothingness
Yet, we search

every corner we turn to
say
Is this it?
Security, Purpose, a treasure trove of possibility
find me - you - me - you see?
Did you land here on my lap, perfectly?

Today this is it
But, then Tomorrow blows up
Like an a unpredictable field mine.
In my precious heart, that thought it knew
it was right, right?

And this pressure crushes me
And somedays I feel so lonely

Yet, this insane pressure
To be this mold
And hold this space to be a list
And the uncertainty
Unfamiliarity
It literally crushes me
In it's silence, yet ferocious noise that pounds in my skull

The wild voice,
It drives us insane,
And drains me with this internal pain

That 'I will never be enough'

That....

--money, not enough
-- my schooling, not enough
-- my experience, not enough
-- my materials, not enough
-- my social circle, not enough


And this pain of enoughness is stuffing me with fear
So I try to turn every direction
Scattered, and seared with this
Deep insanity to grab it all

Yet, we sometimes fill ourselves with doubt
that pushes us to a dangerous, unforgiving - edgde

Yet, after being broken down by the day
vulnerablity blossoms
Honestly, I say - where do I go?

Now?

I search, plea, beg..
I grip tightly,
asking - pleading for guidance