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I loved him,
Even though I said, "no more"

Even though, I took a stand

I still love him

I see into him,
His desire
Awakened my desire
And my desire

Became our desires

But, a long distance away
A time away,
A thought (that became too many thoughts)
Too many thoughts, alone
Became fearful forces
That forced and forced to find pleasure

Yet, emptiness in this loneliness became the only outcome

Of being so far away
Gave positive contemplation
With the mixture of insane


And still, I love him
I think I always will
I think, I always have
I have always loved you
Sleepy spot
I swept these

Out, I hear, out I feel near
Newest birth of a babe

How the joy of creation is alive
before my weeping eyes
beauty in a new born
There is so much more to life than a glance
We feel small

Disgusted, peeved, put off to no end

life truly captures our heart
In a space of excruciating exhaustion
of, hopelessness

And then the world blinks its eyes open to hold us
Remind us, tend to us, guide us
And believe in us

Intuition arrive with a screaming

Whisper softly
caress our most intimate
with assurance


everything will be fine
The egde
of a smoke

It's tapped
Out -

I seize
a whisking night

That brushed me
cajoling me
like lemon berries
bitten under the moonlit star sky
the lustful bite that tests your heart + body
Every turn, I take...

I felt the trench of heaving suddeness
I felt the simple rush, to rush

I felt a clash!
With wants, and following the flow
And no;
They are not aligned

One is sacrificing, one is true
And it's exasperatingly terrifying

To listen intently
I turn my head to the most beautiful sight of all - the sapphire, green-brown, grey ocean.
(Breath In)

The thick blue ocean that rolls, churns, and glistens.
And the glisten slices, the glistening currents. The ripples that move the ripples that have no ending or beginning.
(Breathe Out)

Every shape, form, and structure captured in the liquid.
It smooths out.
It rounds out.
It rolls out, it crashes down.
It’s smooth clarity. It’s smoothness it beyond me.

Its beauty is truly found within its movement. It’s constant change, exchange between all forms;
Connections throughout,
Different experiences of the same object throughout,
And out and out.

I see this giant blue gulp, of sea of truly magnificent bodies of water held in a single space.

As I see the land overturn over:
In new shapes, colors, lengths, and everything that contrasts one thing to another

I just see so much brightness, dimness, and something that overturns into another.
I can not believe this sea
How it makes that sound

And when nothing is around
It just profound,

How every jewel of the dancing ocean
is a collection of drops
connecting forms throughout

When I feel the truth of this beauty
I see,

the ocean, something I never created
It was there to touch us
To hold us
This ocean was made to believe in us.

Without realizing it I just fell into a deep sleep.
I fell into something so deep.
I felt the ocean's arms
embracing me
I love the ocean. This is my ode to the ocean
Im now 20,

and sympathize those in the same age category as me


The painful

insanely, mechanical yet dizzying push to be

--something --
titles, names, high status nothingness
Yet, we search

every corner we turn to
Is this it?
Security, Purpose, a treasure trove of possibility
find me - you - me - you see?
Did you land here on my lap, perfectly?

Today this is it
But, then Tomorrow blows up
Like an a unpredictable field mine.
In my precious heart, that thought it knew
it was right, right?

And this pressure crushes me
And somedays I feel so lonely

Yet, this insane pressure
To be this mold
And hold this space to be a list
And the uncertainty
It literally crushes me
In it's silence, yet ferocious noise that pounds in my skull

The wild voice,
It drives us insane,
And drains me with this internal pain

That 'I will never be enough'


--money, not enough
-- my schooling, not enough
-- my experience, not enough
-- my materials, not enough
-- my social circle, not enough

And this pain of enoughness is stuffing me with fear
So I try to turn every direction
Scattered, and seared with this
Deep insanity to grab it all

Yet, we sometimes fill ourselves with doubt
that pushes us to a dangerous, unforgiving - edgde

Yet, after being broken down by the day
vulnerablity blossoms
Honestly, I say - where do I go?


I search, plea, beg..
I grip tightly,
asking - pleading for guidance
Being 20 is exciting, yet hard.
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