I look at you,
and wish that I could feel like I need you,
but I don't,
and that hurts because
it's never easy to walk away
from someone you're supposed to love.

You said that
you attempted to **** yourself 9 times
and you were so close to,
what if I told you I died
100 times when those words had escaped your mouth?

when your own name starts to feel foreign,
and when the memories haunt you shortly after they’re made,
when you can’t convince yourself to feel something you would’ve easily felt a year ago,
when you can’t put the pieces together of how you ended up here,
in a state that’s not dissonance, not stability and not oblivion..

looked for you
for 21 years,
wondered
what you were
up to when some
nights felt lonely,
saw you in
every person
I came across
everyday,
thought about
your existence
way too many times,
and many times
more I taught
myself not to,
and here you are,
a call away,
your touch;
a hug away,
your presence;
a heart beat away.

I had to let it out.
Slowly; *those thoughts started to suffocate me.

I had to do it.
Quickly; those feelings took control over me.

I had to do it because I didnt want to have to live it.

It started with;
one cut, just one.
just another one,
just other more.

My soul was stabbed, my heart was hurt and my body was scarred.

And my thoughts filled the room ;they became the air particles I breathe.

They would give me freedom to live; but the bonds they had on me would pull me back everytime I tried to **run away.

Just one message from you, and just one sentence made me this way.

You said "I cant forget our old good days" ,
and you said you didnt want to disturb me anymore.

But sadly , you dont know half the reasons of why I had let you go.

"IT HURTS." You screamed, loud enough for anyone to know that you are indeed hurting.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." I say.

I am a liar, I am oblivious. I dont know if things would ever get better for you. I'm just a person who lives on the hope that tomorrow might bring. Sometimes, faith is all you need.

I am still the same person
under the breakdowns,
                              makeups
   and everything in between.

your presence is
my favourite
warmth,

your touch
feels like
an extension
of mine,

your smile
is as pure
as that of a child

I'm still here, why are you crying..
I'm still here, why do I keep on crying too..

I'm still here but it's hard to imagine I'd be leaving this place.
Leaving those people behind,
Ditching the memories,
The good and the bad ones.

Are those tears of joy or sadness?  
Am I happy to leave, and begin a new begining , and discover new things and go on adventures.
Or  am i sad to leave, never seeing those people again, because everytime I think of it, I start crying.

What if all the flowers died , and the world turned black and blue.
What if all the flowers blossomed in dark colors, and the world died.
What if beautiful things disappear and my eyes dont tear.
What if the flowers' beauty fade and the colors blossom, in my dark world.

anger should shoot out
but instead kindness drips
from my eyes onto
the palms of your hands

and so I caress the pain instead
as I push it to the corner
with the rest of emotions
that have gone unattended to.

No,
I don't wish you the best,

because that would be
getting to hold me
in your arms,
just like in the good old days,

rendering me
stuck in your trap.

I tell myself that I had to go through everything I went through because this is the path that's been written for me. I had to be friends with a girl whose shoulder I cried on multiple times because "my grandpa was sick". It wasn't a lie. It was merely a concealment of my own sickness. My first time going out with a guy had to be me third-wheeling on her date. I had to go to a party just to fall apart on the bathroom floor wondering if this is the last time I feel its coldness, your alligator tears knocked on the locked door asking me to release the broken reflection of me in your eyes. I dreamt of the day I had to travel distances away just so you get hurt a little bit, cry on this shoulder of mine and it be my tears' turn to play disguise.

It is not the truth if I have to convince myself,
it isn't a choice if I have to make one,
it's not love if it's forced,
but is it even sadness anymore when it becomes a reality?

I can't seem
to find the thing
to satiate a need
in me that is yet
to be met,

it's the type of hunger
food can't reduce,

it's the type of pain
that holds unrequited love
for you,

it's like a memory you
want to store in your mind
of a moment that didn't occur,

it's like a fractured ground
waiting for the rain to come
down so flowers can grow
from within the cracks,

it's like love that you give
but never receive back fully,

it's like cold weather and short day time
that beg for some white,
yet it never snows,

it's like not being able
to find the name of the song
whose melody is stuck in your head,

it's like a battle that you lose
before you even get to play.

inadequacy seems
like the only
feeling that
chooses
to stay.

my heart is too full of itself,
it has got so much love to give,
does that scare you away?

So many things on my mind, so many wonders going like how and why?

I didn't know you too well, for goodness's sake I didn't know you at all.

But your death, made me realize you've been in pain,
But left me oblivious of the reasons behind.

I wish I knew, I wish I could've helped.
I know it wasn't my fault,
and Even tho it was your decision ,
to commit suicide,  
to let go,
I know that, it wasnt your fault either.

But maybe, just a little maybe and a little of hope that I hold onto ,
you just wanted , a different life, that you could re-unite in with your dad.

But I wish you knew, the impact you left behind.
Because you truly have changed my life ,
you may not know it, and you may never have the chance,
or what's more insane is that maybe one day you will.

Everyone truly is in regret , and even the ones who were far,
have always been there for you, if you could've gave them a chance.

You'll always be in my prayers, and I will make sure to complete the purpose of your life.

To my abuser,

I know you will never
be attached to me
the way I am attached to you,

but dear,
that's because you are broken
and you're addicted to
projecting your pain,

and I'm here picking up
all of my pieces,
trying to heal.

I wish I could
stop the distances from growing,
make my mind reside back in my body,
turn reality into a dream so it could hurt less,
feel better when I cry,
erase the borders between us so we become one,
dry the oceans so I could cross them,
fill them again with my tears
and maybe jump in,
test how deep the damage in my mind,
distance myself from crying again
and reside in a dream.

I just want to be happy today
I don't care if this feeling doesn't last until tomorrow

I just want to grow a pair of wings
and fly with you

I just want to feel peace
lingering from my mind

I just want to inhale
something other than overthinking
and cold dry air.

i did not leave
because i thought you
would eventually ask me to stay,

yet i spent the night
and you still had not asked

close your eyes
and feel the sea
watch the water
turn blue, green and teal,
let the wind take the lead,
breathe in the sun,
don’t let your sins bleed,
exhale out all the deadlines,
and shine.

I've been dreaming a lot lately,
I've been getting enough sleep and more,
I've been writing things that rhyme,
I've been cutting off toxic people,
I've been breathing fresh air
and oh my god it feels so
good to be so empty.

I don’t crave revenge and grudges,
my soul doesn’t feed on anger,
it feeds on confrontations as
it only craves the truth.

I want to cry.

I dont know why.

My heart aches
my head hurts,
my body is tired,

and my thoughts have gone wild.

Touching those walls, seeing those people, realizing that this will be the last time I'll be here.

when we first met
I finally understood
what all the songs, movies,
and stories tell about love,

but only now that our
paths may never
cross each other's,
I finally really understand.

do not wait for the flower to bloom,
because when Spring comes around,
the flower will be too shy.

I didn't listen carefully
to the lies you told,
the empty promises you gave,
and your play-on-words...

if you listen close enough to your soul
it will tell you how to heal,
just listen to what it has to say,
listen and you’ll find the way.

little boat, I see you,
travelling through the subtle waves,
carrying a stranger across,
greeting the dandelions that are by,
underneath you, the creatures hide,
unable to peak through,
little boat, you aren't so little to life.

teach me how
to feel something
and keep it from
fading away

I remember how the meters
between us were decreasing
each and every day we spent together,
it was fun to call it love,
but what kind of love pours oceans
and puts continents between hearts?

loving you
was breathing hard
as I force in
thick air to inhale.

here i am,
once again,
knocking at the door
of adventure,
curious to know
what kind of love
awaits for me,
just to have it
collapse and
shatter all over
my heart, my mind,
my thoughts,
so my words
overspill
and my trust in
myself becomes extinct.

thank you for
looking at me
with such kindness
in your eyes,
love in your veins
and warmth in
the wrinkles
surrounding
your eyelashes.

They say remove toxic people from your life,
but what am I supposed to do with this toxic heart of mine?

it's so hard for me
to open up,
but once i do,
i can't stop,
and people don't mind
stepping all over me,
so i build yet another wall
around me,
and opening up becomes
a mission not even Tom Cruise can make possible.

Sometimes all I need
is my lion-print blanket,

ice in my coffee,

and isolation from my thoughts.

At first,
you spend
a couple moonless nights
getting to know the meaning
behind my name,

then you trace the
beatings of my heart
when you hear my voice
calling your name,

and one moonless night,
you reveal to me that you're the Sun
and I realize that the meaning
behind my name always had revolved around yours.

comfort
is such a foreign zone
that I long for,

a land that I can't seem to
be able to spot
on any map,

people tell me
its borders are indefinite,

and i tell them,
please take me
to the mother
I have never known.

I warned you about
the distances
I'm willing to travel
just to leave behind
the trace you had left
on my heart,
on my mind,
on my body,

and now I'm somewhere
making better memories,
with new songs you didn't ruin,
breathing air you can't intoxicate,
wearing my heart on my sleeve again,
unafraid to let my scare away all the wrong
people away from my life.

gold in your hair,
denim on floor,
mistakes in bed,
bathing in each
other’s cologne,
i trace the freckles
on your back,
no more time to
talk, time has
hopped on a Cadillac,
purple becomes
my new skin tone,
one seal breaks
and now im in the
lost virtues zone,
my name becomes
your only vocab,
shortly after
I had it unwrap.

i wake up
distressed,
unable to
shake the
fear away
that lingers
in my head,
but i don’t
face the
nightmare,
I just lay
in bed.

You haunt me in my dreams
and you’re always in them
rejecting me
and i’m there loving you
harder and harder
like I always have been

Nobody tells you,
“don’t fall in love with just anyone yet”
because if you fall out of love once,
you’ll fall out once again,
a couple times more,
and perhaps keep falling in and out
over and over,

they advice you to not dive in too deep,
because it hurts to get out once you’re in,
but they don't say don’t dive in
just because you can,
that you shouldn’t just give your lover
tests to prove their love for you,
but that you must test your own love,
see if you can prove your love
to yourself,
after all how can you be sure of
loving someone
when you can’t love the person
your heart beats within?

Thinking about the future
makes me want to stay
in bed all day,
pretend that I don’t have to
get up and face the world,
yet the facts are drawn on
the ceiling of my bedroom.