Tell me that you still look for me in a crowd out in public. Tell me I live in your mind, that I don't just cross it.
I wrote down the times that you were eating me alive. The times I couldn't breath the times I did more than cry. I wrote about the passion, the love, the hate. I wrote about sidewalks, the movies and cake. I miss the moments we would meet eyes, I miss the moments we went on nighttime drives. I think about details like the curls in your hair, the way you stared. Your eyes lit a fire I have yet to put out. A fire that's destroyed me So just tell me you understand, this way that I feel. I need the closure so maybe I can heal.

And I feel like a shadow following submissively a long.
Unnoticed.
I make no sound, only repeating the motions I have been equipped to follow.
My manual, just empty pages because I'm not even my own person or am I?
I have no story to tell, just watching, waiting for you to write so I can follow suit.
And I follow you, everywhere you go, but every time it gets a little dark in this room I disappear.
Because you no longer need me, you no longer want me.
You just want sleep.
So I leave you to dream those dreams and I simply blend into the background.
You never notice when I'm gone and hardly at all when I'm there.
It hurts my feeling, or are these feelings yours?
The only difference is you shine bright and I don't shine at all.
You lead I follow.
And even if I wanted to lead I’d always end up falling behind again because I'm just a shadow, and shadows don't get to lead.
Am I your shadow?

Because I don't want to be...

Cannot sleep, all these memories are haunting me; purple and blue, a gift from you.
Will they stay? When will they fade?
To die like the happiness that seems to have left me, oh so heavy.
Take this heart, stomp out all the little pieces you created, all the pieces that you hated.
Hide my face away from the hidden, show me only to the blind.
Trust is not something that is easily given, especially from this heart of mine.
Lying on the ground, where you struck me down; battered, betrayed, I pray for the day.
Someone save me, for I am too shattered to do so myself, someone save me from this life that is my hell.
Help.

I don't like being called "good girl" anymore.
Not because I don't like the way you say it, or why you're saying it. No.
I don't like being called "good girl" because of a man.
I met him at a party, my friend ditched me.
I was watching everyone around me relax and have fun, but I was so tense.
He must have picked up on my weakness, like a predator to prey.
He handed me a drink and kept me company, he said I looked nervous.
He told me to relax and to take a hit off his joint.
I didn't want to be there anymore, but I tried to take his advice.
We sat on the floor near the double doors and he told me I still looked nervous.
He said I had no reason to be that he'd never let anything happen to me.
I just laughed because he only just met me.
Next thing I remember I wasn't feeling too good, my head was dizzy...no cloudy, and the floor was the ceiling.
I remember his eyes on me, so hungry.
I remember his hands on me, whereas mine were incapable of moving.
He couldn't meet my eyes and I couldnt remember where we were or how we got there, but it wasn't by the double doors anymore.
I remember noises, the dim lighting around us, I tried to focus on anything and everything else.
I was screaming, but I don't actually know if the noise came out.
I remember the hot tears that slid down my face as he slid over my body.
I was a toy, I couldn't do anything, I was a puppet to his whim.
He stoked my face occasionally and said I was a good girl, that I didn't need to be nervous, that I was a good girl, to just take it.
I remember wailing, his hand covering my mouth, my lips bruising, my body throbbing.
I haven't seen myself the same since, there wasn't anyone I felt safe with, not a hand that didn't feel like his.
I get sick at the thought of him, at the thought of that act he forced me to commit.
I didn't know his name but I knew his face because it haunts my dreams.
I scare easy now, I want to hide but sleep can't even save me.
I didn't want to be a good girl, I never wanted to be a good girl.
So please...please.
Don't call me one.

And your brown eyes are still the brightest part of my future, even if they do not rest upon me but instead continue looking.

Nobody can hate me more than I hate myself so say what you have to say. Just understand this, if you tell a fat girl she's fat and she already knows, why tell her again and make her feel worse? If you tell a suicidal girl to **** herself, she just might. Words trigger actions, and words are beautiful. So don't use them to hurt people.

I just want everything to stop.
Including my heart.

For every shooting star I see I wish you felt the same about me.

You make me breathless, but please put your hands around my throat and choke so I can at least enjoy you slowly killing me.

And the worst part about letting you go is I had to let go of everything you ruined. When I listened to my favorite songs I could no longer enjoy the rhythm or get lost in the lyrics, no. Instead I got lost in the way your lips sang along with the words, the way your eyes lit up when I decided to join you. I could no longer just drive down the road because every time I happen to glance at that passenger side, I could see glimpses of you. I could hear you from a distance laughing at the jokes I told. I could no longer walk down my hometown street without feeling your hand in mine, or go to the grocery store without relieving those moments in our favorite late night spot. I couldn't bare going to the park and listening to the leaves in the wind or watching the stars at night because you took that away from me too. You ruined the things in life that made me smile, that made me happy. My sheets are in the form of your silhouette and reek of your soul. I cannot wear my favorite top, I cannot view another sunset... because of you. I don't wear my hair the same way, I don't speak the same way. I cannot bare the loss of you. But I need to.

It’s been obvious for awhile now that we’ve gone our separate ways.
But I can’t help but bring you to the front of my mind every day I wake.
The urge to check up on you, make sure you’re okay, is unbearable to say the least.
To know if you look the same way you did nearly a year ago, or did you change?
To hear that laugh that used to make me sing.
To feel your touch graze my arm, caress my cheek.
All that keeps me going is the saying that everything happens for a reason.
Maybe fate will bring us together once again, even just as friends.
I look up at the sky and smile knowing you’re seeing the same as I.
The perspective might be different but you see the same moon, see the same clouds, feel the same wind.
Even if we have no future, we are all connected, whether we want to be or not.
And maybe that’s enough for me.

I want people to know I'm suicidal.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to tell me it gets better or to get over it.
I just want people to know because maybe taking that weight off my chest will finally allow me to breathe a little. Maybe people will be kinder.
I want people to know I'm suicidal because I want to be honest.
I want people to know that when I wake up tomorrow, I barely survived yesterday.
I want everyone to know that I want to **** myself because when I finally do, I don't want people to think that I was happy, that I had a good life.
I want people to see the deep ugly **** I push down each day, the thoughts that literally eat me alive and push me to the edge.
I want people to know that when I'm in the bathtub I hold myself under until  all my air runs out.
I want people to know when I'm opening cardboard boxes at work with the box cutter I think about sliding it down my wrists.
I want people to know when I get in my car and the road goes two ways or into the lake I want to choose the lake.
I want people to know when I go to sleep at night I resist the urge to down all the pills in my house.
I want people to know that I want to break my mirrors and slit my throat with the shards.
I want people to know I'm suicidal.
And it's ******* killing me.

I can still feel your hands on me,
The way they took, the way they gripped at my skin until I screamed.
You liked hearing me scream but you held a hand over my mouth just in case there were ears nearby.
You bruised my lips with how hard you held my face in place, I could barely breath.
Your hands they took, savagely, selfishly
Your eyes trailed my body with a tenderness that you couldn't possibly possess.
They humiliated me, for I was open, helpless.
Weak.
You took and took, and you ******* took!
I cried, I kicked, I begged, but you were all about finishing what you started.
I can feel your hands, everyone who has ever touched me has your hands.
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, somebody help me, please stop, no more!
I want to feel pretty but not like this.
I flinch at the unexpected embraces.
I awaken in fright when I should be at peace in the night.
You took.
And you couldn't even look me in the eyes because you knew.
You knew
...
But you still took.

We all have secrets that we wish to keep but let me take a moment of your time to tell you mine.
My skeletons are simple, they are the ***** laundry that piles all the way up to the top where I wish my esteem could be.
I barely have the energy to get out of bed, take a shower, eat, something.
I can hardly go about my day to day casual living, so the pile just keeps on building.
I push my skeletons away when company is coming, and only then am I aware of how bad it has gotten.
It's not just my skeletons that are gathering dust and withering away, no.
It is I, sitting there all full of decay in the middle of the day, wasting time being sad rather than happy.
It is I, becoming one with my skeletons, my fragile ribs poking through my paling skin.
It is I, laying in my bed wishing it were a coffin, as my laundry sits untouched in my closet,
Because we all know that's where skeletons like to hide.
Sitting inside your very flesh waiting for you to rot and die so they can finally be found and come alive.

The roses that he gave me are now wilted and dead.
Like the memories of how we used to be together.
The words that he spoke of, I love you is what he said.
He promised me he would be here till the end, forever.

Farewell my angel, a kiss goodbye, went on his way.
He lay in bed that night and thought of what he would do.
That was the last time she saw him, it still hurts this day.
Walls tainted with blood, the reason not even a clue.

Dressed in black, a pale white face; tears streaming like a river.
This is my fault, repeating in her head, the words true.
She speaks her words and looks her last, she tries not to quiver.
The images in her head swirling around like new.

I lost a friend that night, I miss him too much to say.
I love him, he stole my heart, one day I’ll be okay.


Dedicated to Drew

It took me awhile to realize it isn't normal.
It isn't normal to be okay with getting hit by a car while crossing the street.
It isn't normal to be okay with not eating for days just because you didn't have time.
It isn't normal to wake up upset because you glanced at your body in the mirror.
It isn't normal for your dad to beat your mom because she didn't make the eggs right.
It isn't normal to bottle up your feelings because the bottle will become full.
It isn't normal take a blade to your wrists willingly so you feel a different pain.
It isn't normal to only get five hours of sleep at night because you can't shut your thoughts out.
It isn't normal to throw up your food in that public bathroom because you think your fat.
It isn't normal to sleep all day unless you're sick and throwing up from a flu.
It isn't normal to drink every night just so you can be sane for awhile in the meantime.
It isn't normal to let boys you don't like touch you so you can feel accepted.
It isn't normal to let that girl you're dating hit you because you said no.
It isn't normal to hate someone prettier than you because she didn't do anything wrong.
It isn't normal to want to die every time your heart breaks.
But it is normal.
It's normal to those people who live it everyday of their lives.
It's normal to those people who wish they could catch a break long enough to catch their breath.
It's normal to those people who regret everything in life to live for a moment where they might get to be proud.
Because our scars aren't only physical, their mental.
It isn't normal for everyone to understand.
But for those that do.
I hear you.

I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.
I wonder when the shadows will take a hold and pay the toll.
I hear screaming in my head with the silence of the night.
I see the future in my way without a guiding light.
I want to hide from the reflecting emotional troll.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I pretend to be the hero but I’m really in distress.
I feel like fitting in with every girl but I’d like myself even less.
I touch the darkness where it meets the light, when the sun becomes the moon.
I worry about the vicious fight, the princess verses the goon.
I cry when my heart becomes a weak unreachable hole.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I understand the melody that’s rising with these flames.
I say I love who I am but I’m tired of the games.
I dream about a man but I can never see his face.
I try to find the puzzle piece, one that fits in place.
I hope to be the diamond, not the unfavorable coal.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I still love you.
But only in my dreams do you truly love me back.

She was just a girl whose eyes were constantly filled with the darkness that ate holes in her soul.

I admired her paleness.
It was like the bitter stillness of the winters landscape.
Or the soft, fragile feathers encased in my bedside pillow.
No color amongst those perfect pore-less cheeks.
Her lips a crimson red; a rustic brown, stained her teeth as she smiled.
I never thought I’d bestow my eyes upon such beauty, a goddess among the earth.
A wolf among mere sheep.
I wanted nothing more than to lift my hand and graze that face but I mustn't.  
Because she shined so bright against the rest and I refused to dull that shine.
My muddied hand was not worthy of such perfection.
I wanted no other to lay eyes on her skin, hair, body.
I would sooner gouge out my own eyes than loose sight of what I am seeing before me.
She will be my last vision, oh but what a vision she was.

Roses of pure enchantment rest in the hands of the bride.
The red of the petals matching the crimson lips,
where tongues and lies collide.
Where there is an eclipse of hearts and darkness has fallen,
each thorn will pierce true.
Hands so pale, hair so black;
a sickening beauty she tries to prove.
The trees surround her mystic display,
the air choking like a noose.
When the sunlight returns the shadows will creep,
my beauty there shall be no truce.
Her eyes the color of jade,
such as a black cat on Halloween.
The soul that lay behind them,
so lovely yet tainted, unclean.
Her body that of an hourglass,
but what happens when time runs out?
Each grain of sand, each faded memory;
will fall to the bottom no doubt.
Yet here you stand just inches away,
from the women that will cause your death.
No matter the place, when the bond is sealed,
my friend you’ll have nothing left.
Say your vows and exchange the kiss,
barely able to breathe.
She slips the poison into your glass,
you still think it’s meant to be.

I roasted marshmallows over our burning memories
The pictures caught fire like the love we once had.
I covered it in the only thing that tasted sweeter than you,
And smashed it between our opposite barriers.
I devoured our love in all it's sticky, false goodness...
And at the end of the day, it was the best smores I'd ever had.

If you burn our bridge, I will not waste the time or energy to build another. Goodbyes are forever.

I never imagined a love so passionate.
We would kiss each other endlessly every night.
You were everything I wanted, never needed to fight.
I never imagined a love so overpowering.
We stayed awake for hours just looking into each others eyes.
You were my wings and with you I could fly.
I never imagined a love so gentle.
We cuddled for hours under the blanket of stars.
You kissed my wrists and all my scars.
I never imagined a love so comfortable
We could talk to each other or watch the telly.
You even made breakfast to fill my belly.
I never imagined a love to challenging.
We bickered about bills and fought about time.
You made me feel like my loving you was a crime.
I never imagined a love so toxic.
We once were a spark that turned into a flame.
You burned me alive and handed me the blame.
I never imagined a love so lost.
We could never settle in one place in life.
You and I were bonded but I was cut off by your knife.
I never imagined a love so dead.
We saw each other sometimes but refused to even smile.
You tried to come over and say “hey it’s been awhile.”
I never imagined a love like this.
We started out strong but ended in fists.

My relationship with you was like a plant,
That blossomed into a rose.
Beautiful from afar but if I got too close,
Held onto it a little too tight,
The thorns would hold on tighter,
Sink in deep within the skin.
The roots would grow, deeper and deeper.
Even when the roses had been cut from their stem,
The roots remained with me, deep within.
What once was beautiful, left behind a trail or scars.
Much like the rain hitting my window,
On the nights I miss you most.
They evaporate and fade,
much like the love you once had for me.
Once upon a time that ended in tragedy.

I'm so tired of fighting the demons in my head, but how long will it take before I realize you're controlling them.

He was the one who held me in his arms while I was curled in on myself, weeping. Literally gripping my heart, trying to keep myself from completely falling apart. Watching it seep through my fingers like the sand in our lifespan hourglass. He was there to wipe away the tears that never stopped pouring. He was there when I believed myself to be utterly alone; at my worst when I was cruel to anything with a beating heart because I was oh so tired of mine getting broken.

No one sees the real thing.
Demons dance for her and sing.
Ashes of flesh coat her skin.
Bones of darkness lie within.
The game she plays, a trick of mind.
The beauty she is will make you blind.
Once you allow this temptress near.
Your heart will be only that of fear.
Her lust to **** is all she seeks.
Her words will end you as she speaks.

Carve the name of the one whose kiss has tainted you into your skin to relive the pain of the memory.
A reminder of how pathetic you were to think anything more could become of the two.
So you bleed and cry, grow exhausted and hungry, with each passing day wanting nothing more but the simple closure that you lost the second you let him in.

You never cared, you didn't dare.
I was a storm with a temper,
You, an ocean with barely a wave.
When I came in on a roar of thunder,
Your gentle surface unable to save,
You crashed and darkened, the ships all sank,
I caused you all this destruction,
But you caused me a great ache.
You truly cared, and here I dare,
To love something so peaceful when I was untamed.
That I broke the heart of an innocent girl,
Because she ruined a boy with a perfect frame.

The only reason the devil's still alive is because you keep protecting him.
He may have been an angel once but then he fell.
But not for you.

Staring at the girl who used to be innocent and pure,
Now just a mannequin of hated nothingness.
Dressed in the color red, a representation of love,
Now representing only that of which she lost.
The tears running down a perfect porcelain face,
Smudged makeup smeared upon its appearance.

I am beginning to realize I was nothing more than a burden, a bother, a mirror reflection.
Mocking me as my world comes crashing down,
My heart now unknown and forgotten.
The perfect picture you painted me to be was not even me at all.
Dolling me up, and puppetting me around, to follow your every will and whim.
You pressed me into this mold of a person, you taught me who I should and shouldn’t be.
So now that you’re gone, which me, is me...?

Last night I had a dream that I saw you, standing amongst a crowd of people whom I could not identify. You were leaning against a wall like all those cool kids used to do in the movies and you were talking intensely with someone else, you didn’t notice me.
I walked right up to you and wrapped my frail arms around you in an embrace. I didn’t have to say anything, I just marched right up to you mid sentence and hugged you, burying my face into the scent of your old leather jacket. You wrapped your arms around me and the people around us disappeared and we just stood there, no words needed because all I needed was your warmth. The warmth I haven’t felt in months.
When we let go, I asked you if we could go down to the pond, sit in our old spot and make fun of the people passing by. But before you could respond I woke up.
They say that when you dream of someone they are either your biggest fear or your greatest desire. And I know it’s strange but I’m still trying to figure out which one you are. And as much as I miss you we were always meant to fall apart because I loved you more than I could ever love myself and if that’s not destruction I don’t know what is but at the same time you were my breath, my heartbeat and let me tell you you’re not really living when those get taken away. I don’t know when I’ll stop missing you. But I know it won’t be soon.

Last night you told me you loved me.
That's all I've wanted to hear for the last year.
But something seemed to come over me, and I panicked.
I wanted to believe those lovely words but my heart wouldn't let me.
Because I'm enough for the moment, but I'll never be enough truly.
I never am.

No matter how hard you’ve tried, their spells have been cast.
Now you fear only of the future, present, and past.
The glass has shattered, the sidewalks have cracked, the room painted white for insane.
The lights are dimming and the promises burning, in a picture perfect frame.
Whispers of the wind telling you their secrets of the night.
The reflection you see in the water, becomes a monstrous sight.
They make you crazy, sanity has left, your mind you begin to loose.
Eternity lasts forever, but a life like this, your fate is yours to choose.
Forming a masterpiece of who you were and who you have become.
These voices inside your head, try to figure out where they come from.
A corpse wearing the scent of death, it’s just a twisted lie.
And that flower that almost bloomed, slowly fades and dies.
A limitation to perfection can only be pushed within the lines.
Roses are sweet, but your caught within the thorns and vines.
Struggling for freedom but held back by your own creation.
Your beauty only outside, and that of fake presentation.
Sticks and stones have broken my bones, try to run and hide.
Nothing can help you now, you are forever lost in your mind.
Reaching out to grab for something that is not even true.
They keep on telling you what you can and can not do.
The taste of copper filling your mouth, crimson running down your face.
From your eyes and from your pores, the illusions you can not erase.
The screams you cry get louder and louder, but you can not hear your voice.
The things you see, and the things you hear and not at all by choice.
Waking up in the padded cell, the straight jacket keeping you restrained.
All the voices in your head, along with all the images remain.
You’re one of them, they’re all around, fighting to be sane.
But now that you have joined that path, you are no longer humane.

It’s 2:30am, I’m taking a bath, sinking into the water and I get a sudden wave of depression not even 5 minutes into it. I don’t fit, there are pieces of me sticking out, I can hardly bare to look at the everything that is me. 2:50am I decide to drain the tub and take a shower. I never like hot showers but I take one and yes it burns but I enjoy it. Because the physical pain is easier to cope with than the mental. I want it hot, so when I get out the mirrors will be so fogged over I can’t see myself. I want it hot, so I can focus of something else other than my self image. Tonight I share my thoughts because I am in a low and dark place. I’m sharing my thoughts because I know there is someone who understands, there has to be. I’m sharing my thoughts because I’m alone, when everybody said I never would be.

I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that you’re no longer in my life. ******* for making me feel this way when I shouldn’t feel a ******* thing! Someone said your name the other day and I pretended to be okay with that fact that the sound of it still broke my heart. Every memory that I had suppressed found its way back to the front of my brain trying to remain there in fear they’d one day be forgotten. I wouldn’t care if I forgot though, because maybe then I could move on with my life and think about things that are important now instead of back then. Because you left. No note, no text, no call, not even a sorry, goodbye.
I wonder every now and then if you’re happy with your life because I question if I’m happy with mine. Things aren’t the same anymore and I guess that’s okay because if they were I might get bored of the constant but I wish you would have been a constant in my life. I think my mistake was never having the fear of losing you because when I did I wasn’t ready for the blow I took when I fell and you weren’t there to catch me. I realize I’m not much of anything, not even worth a few words or minutes of your time. But I just don’t understand how someone can go from caring about you, really caring about you to not even recognizing you when you walk by.
My days felt like years and every year I grow older but I haven’t seemed to die yet, at least not on the outside. It’s cold most days and that’s completely okay because the warmth reminds me of you and those nights we’d count our stars and count the hours before the sky became lighter and swallowed the moon. I rather liked the warmth then, like the time it was raining and we walked to a bench but the breeze cut through my clothing so you hugged me tight and wrapped me in a blanket I stored in my trunk. I can’t even walk down my own hometown streets because we used to walk on those sidewalks and that marked the best day of my life because it was the first day we really spent together and the first time I actually felt something other than this terrible sadness.
I think about the moments when my best friend and I were dancing like ballerinas in the kitchen and the moments where we stayed up all night playing that stupid Dance, Dance, Revelation and you’d sit on that couch watching us just laughing. I miss that sound you know. The sound that always brought me back from the hole I’d always manage to sink into. I ponder the times when we’d go on those late night drives just to get away from everything and be alone with the stars, and on the nights the stars refused to show we’d go get doughnuts and talk over your coffee and my hot chocolate. We’d talk about life, whether I was happy or not, what I could do to help you out, all of our problems we faced together. I remember leaving that shop one night at 3am with you, and you smashed that doughnut into my face and I chased you for what felt like an hour. Or the time you bought a cake for me because I was turning 19 but when I was unlocking my car you yelled for me and I turned around in a panic only to have my face land right into the middle of it.
I was so angry at you, but you said it was cute. I must have yelled at you for hours because my hair was all matted and my clothes stained with that sickly sweet frosting but you said I looked so beautiful and that it was a good look for me. We did so much together and I remember every ******* detail. Everything. I never thought moments like that would keep me up at night, bring tears into my eyes that were already made of too much sea.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though it’s been over a year now and I’m happy with someone else, I still miss you. Because whether you were my first love, or second I still loved you.
And there’s no getting over that.

I don't really know where to start with this. I feel like I need to write and express, how I feel.

I was forgotten, maybe even hated but I spent days trying to search for you.
I spent days loving you when you forgot to love me back.
I spent months after crying to myself at the foot of my shower.
I spent months pounding fists into my pillows, screaming words of bitter vile at those who actually cared for me.
And the hardest part was accepting you didn't.

You left and I didn't know what I did wrong but all I wanted to do was fix it! Fix me!
You somehow became my anchor to this reality without me even knowing.
We had created a world I could survive in but without you it all just fell apart.
My heart, my mind, I wasn't me.

Maybe you'd love me now because I do things I never did back them.
I smoke a joint with my friends and get drunk everyday but the weekends.
I sit in my room trying to think about something other than you but my cold heart is frozen on the subject, it refuses to beat away from it.

I no longer eat. My diet consists of a 32 glass of H2O and a hand full of pills that's supposed to make the fat go.
I'm worthy now I promise.
But somehow I'm never enough for anyone even me.
And if you could look in the mirror and see what I see you'd have taken your life long ago.
But don't.
Too many people end up hurt over the loss of someone that they don't really know.

They say I'm so happy and that I'm doing fine
But they don't even see what I don't let show!
My world is insanity and my mind won't stop thinking!
My heart just stopped beating.
Not physically, just emotionally.
I decided if I can't really die I'll just die in another way!
Let me tell you death is a funny thing.

People claim to love you and people claim to care but the whole ******* time they were completely unaware!
Of the thoughts that literally eat me alive and the loneliness I constantly feel inside, this ugly ******* shell I'm left to take care of because the girl that I was is gone.

I can't handle the fact that I let myself down, I let myself drown.
Because you were my anchor and you wrapped around me as I struggled to breath.
You disappeared into the depths of my tears that created this sea, and then you were gone and I was left drowning, because you still had a hold on me.

The water froze over and I couldn't break through, I just watched everyone watching me there, acting like they couldn't see me or that they didn't really care.
And the girl you built died, I watched her sink to the bottom in an attempt to join you but you were lost where she was found,
Because in that moment she let you go, she learned to grow from all these mistakes.

She forgot what your laugh sounded like, what you looked like in the dim lighting of your room.
She forgot the words you swore by but never held to, she forgot your touch and your smile.
She forgot about you and the girl she was.
And she smiled with tears in her eyes as the old her died and the new her began to rise.

She was free,
Finally.

What am I to you? If not a priority than what? A time filler, a toy to be played with, someone to occupy your company when you get lonely? I fear I’ll never truly know the answer, or maybe I’m scared to face the answer I’ve already been given. My brain constantly telling me I’m nothing but a waste of space, a piece of *** who was born for nothing more than your enjoyment and yours alone. The flickers of pain I feel are simply the cards I have been dealt, and there is no arguing with fate. A stake to the heart would hurt less than this poison you’ve spilled into my mouth by the presence of your tongue, is it love? It flows through my being with so much warmth I don’t think I’d be able to tell the difference. And how dare I care or feel anything that involves me, myself and I alone, when I’m only meant to feel for you. You remind me constantly of your needs and wants and put to shame my thoughts, how invalid they must be. You trace the scars on my body with your talons, never letting me forget how deeply you are attached to me. I’m tired of fighting a battle that simply cannot be won, of fighting the army that is you, and how much destruction you have caused in your wake. I’m tired, I’ll rip the white dress from my body and lay bare for you in surrender. It’s tattered pieces like a white flag waving.

I will not fall to my knees and beg for your attention, but I'll gladly get on them and show you some of mine.

Our minds are a prison but the difference between yours and mine is I built my bars. Others built yours.

The first time I blacked out I was with you.
I'd never drank in front of you before and I only had a few, but you brought me more.
My intentions were only to forget the **** going on inside of my head.
So three because twelve and the room began to spin,
But not at first.
At first I was light, my body was not my own, I felt this power and you called me beautiful.
I was in total control...
Then, I wasn't.
I laughed loudly and I shouted to speak,
I talked about nothing's and got caught up in the sheet.
I could not walk so I started to crawl, to check my phone, if I'd missed a call.
I started to repeat myself, over and over again.
You realized I was done for and took me to your bed instead.
You laid me down and cradled my face, you shook me to snap me out.
"I'm in control, I've got this, I'm in control, I've got this" repeating, pouring from my lips.
The lips you leaned down and tenderly kissed.
My mind reacted but my lips could not move, they kept talking about control and about you.
"You love him, but he doesn't love you, you love him, but he doesn't love you" repeating, flowing from my mouth.
You left the room, left me alone, you couldn't handle my doubt.
A whole hour later you came back to me, I was still talking, repeating, repeating.
"Nobody loves you, just die, nobody loves you, just die" catching on the breath that left as I spoke.
You sat next to me and on my words I began to choke.
You shook me really hard and smacked at my face lightly.
I came into consciousness and then fell into sleep silently.

So hear my words and take them in,
I promise you'll see me soon.
On one cold nigh I'll come to you,
My skin reflecting the moon.

She would glance up at the sterling lights in the sky surrounded by their black blanket of night, hoping to find the hidden secrets behind them. Secrets are always hidden by beautiful things...
She sighed softly and glanced down upon her feet that sway oh so slightly in the water below, she was alone.
She couldn't help but think to herself if there was someone out there that saw the world as she did, and if so, why do they hide like the secrets in the sky... the young girl brought her feet up out of the water and stood.
Why ponder on a thought of no existence, she said shutting the door to her house and her heart.

I'll drag myself out of your bed, and through the door,
I heard you didn't want me anymore.
Isn't that what you said?
That you didn't want all of these skeletons?
Hiding in your closet, when she came home.
I'll throw them in the fire and watch them turn to ash,
Watch them burn with the rest of the trash.
I only ever aimed to make you smile,
Honestly I haven't seen it in awhile...
Will you take my hand and burn with me?
We could get rid of all the bad things,
Erase all the thoughts with band aids.
I wait for you to come back to me,
But then I see our fire burning,
And realize you won’t be returning.

I was never the popular girl, the girl with the best hair or best eyes. I was never the girl that boys looked at and thought "wow". I was never the girl in the first or last row of the class. I was never the girl to speak up when she was being picked on.  I was never the girl with a ton of friends, who went to parties and got high. No, never. I was the girl who found herself on the outside of the crowds, but let me tell you this, it was beautiful outside not a cloud in sight. My hair was the color of the ocean, the color of a lilac field and freshly cut grass. My eyes were a storm that never ended, the boys never thought "wow", but you know what? Sense when do boys allow a girl to feel beautiful? In class i was always in the middle row because that's where i felt I was in life, stuck in the middle, in the grey. Even though I never spoke up when I was the victim I never once hesitated when it came to someone else in destress. No, I didn't have a ton of friends. But that's okay because with the few I did have, we've made some pretty great memories. Partying? Never been my thing. I was the girl who found herself in lyrics of a song, the girl who read books because loving the boys in them was easier than loving the ones in real life. I was the girl who wrote her every thought down on a piece of paper only to tear it up so no one would know them. And even though I'm not the same girl I used to be...a part of her still lives within me. You never truly outgrow the person you were but you will grow.

My thoughts eat at me like termites to a tree.
Tearing me apart from the inside out until I'm nothing but rotting dreams and scattered leaves.

Innocence follows her, but inside she's wild,
She thinks of things that shouldn't be thought.
Her mind plays tricks while her heart ceases desire,
A fiction of its own, a lesson never taught.
And as she lays in bed at night, her eyes never truly close,
Seeing the colors in silhouette form, the painful memory shows.
The pitter-patter of a heart, beaten and broken yet fixed,
The silent screams in the dark, yet not a sound, transfixed.
A rage trapped beneath her light, she refuses to become what she hates,
The river that flows within her veins, a poison left to manipulate.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, she sings the melody again,
Paper bags and plastic hearts, a tune for only the insane.
"Each one has a color" she points to them all "some light and some dark"
"But those colors change in life when that person changes their mark."

And one day you just woke up and forgot about us, forgot about the moments that stopped time for me, the moments where the dark thoughts stood silent. You ruined me, and one day I hope it will be effortless to hate you for it.

I suppose I've come to terms with the fact that you will never love me. Because how do you dwell on something that never dwells upon you.