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Britney Lyn Apr 2018
How bittersweet the world must be,
To have seen it's beauty yet felt it's touch.
To have gathered the strength to merely wake up.
Britney Lyn Feb 2017
No matter how hard you’ve tried, their spells have been cast.
Now you fear only of the future, present, and past.
The glass has shattered, the sidewalks have cracked, the room painted white for insane.
The lights are dimming and the promises burning, in a picture perfect frame.
Whispers of the wind telling you their secrets of the night.
The reflection you see in the water, becomes a monstrous sight.
They make you crazy, sanity has left, your mind you begin to loose.
Eternity lasts forever, but a life like this, your fate is yours to choose.
Forming a masterpiece of who you were and who you have become.
These voices inside your head, try to figure out where they come from.
A corpse wearing the scent of death, it’s just a twisted lie.
And that flower that almost bloomed, slowly fades and dies.
A limitation to perfection can only be pushed within the lines.
Roses are sweet, but your caught within the thorns and vines.
Struggling for freedom but held back by your own creation.
Your beauty only outside, and that of fake presentation.
Sticks and stones have broken my bones, try to run and hide.
Nothing can help you now, you are forever lost in your mind.
Reaching out to grab for something that is not even true.
They keep on telling you what you can and can not do.
The taste of copper filling your mouth, crimson running down your face.
From your eyes and from your pores, the illusions you can not erase.
The screams you cry get louder and louder, but you can not hear your voice.
The things you see, and the things you hear and not at all by choice.
Waking up in the padded cell, the straight jacket keeping you restrained.
All the voices in your head, along with all the images remain.
You’re one of them, they’re all around, fighting to be sane.
But now that you have joined that path, you are no longer humane.
Britney Lyn Jun 2017
It’s 2:30am, I’m taking a bath, sinking into the water and I get a sudden wave of depression not even 5 minutes into it. I don’t fit, there are pieces of me sticking out, I can hardly bare to look at the everything that is me. 2:50am I decide to drain the tub and take a shower. I never like hot showers but I take one and yes it burns but I enjoy it. Because the physical pain is easier to cope with than the mental. I want it hot, so when I get out the mirrors will be so fogged over I can’t see myself. I want it hot, so I can focus of something else other than my self image. Tonight I share my thoughts because I am in a low and dark place. I’m sharing my thoughts because I know there is someone who understands, there has to be. I’m sharing my thoughts because I’m alone, when everybody said I never would be.
Britney Lyn Jan 2018
Her thoughts are as dark as a moonless sky, and as hollow as the river that flows through her, cold, deadly.
She searches for the stars that are there to guide, each one lost, there presence ever haunting.
So what became of the girl whose moon forgot to shine?
Whose stars were sightless, with no constellations to find.
What became of the girl whose night bled into day?
Whose light was out of reach, no sunshine on her grey.
Her flowers never bloomed, her apples began to rot.
Her sun had left her hopeful, but he seemed to have forgot,
The girl whose moon was that of beauty, the ying to his yang.
The girl with wolves below her, beasts that worshiped and sang.
So you could say that she was simply scorched by the sun and his flame,
Forever a new moon to this darkness, her fullness no man again shall claim.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
I want the last thing I see to be the stars, so I know my soul will finally be going somewhere beautiful.
Britney Lyn Aug 2017
The only reason the devil's still alive is because you keep protecting him.
He may have been an angel once but then he fell.
But not for you.
You're my devil. The evil I have to face every day.
Britney Lyn Jun 21
Everything I touch, everything I let into my aching soul, burns.
They turn to ash before my eyes and all I can hear are all of their cries.
I’m toxic, a disease.
My emotions are guarded because if I let them break free,
The things around me set ablaze and I swear this is not just a phase, it’s me.
A villain, not a victim.
So when I warn you not to let me in, to keep on moving along.
It’s for your benefit I swear to you, this illusion, facade, the **** truth.
I’m no good, not for me, not for you.
Britney Lyn Jan 2018
No one sees the real thing.
Demons dance for her and sing.
Ashes of flesh coat her skin.
Bones of darkness lie within.
The game she plays, a trick of mind.
The beauty she is will make you blind.
Once you allow this temptress near.
Your heart will be only that of fear.
Her lust to **** is all she seeks.
Her words will end you as she speaks.
The Greek Goddess of Evil and Misfortune.
The personification of Infatuation - "the rash foolishness of blind impulse, usually caused by guilt and leading to retribution.
She was the daughter of Eris and Zeus and a temptress who lead humans toward evil.
Britney Lyn Jan 2017
Roses of pure enchantment rest in the hands of the bride.
The red of the petals matching the crimson lips,
where tongues and lies collide.
Where there is an eclipse of hearts and darkness has fallen,
each thorn will pierce true.
Hands so pale, hair so black;
a sickening beauty she tries to prove.
The trees surround her mystic display,
the air choking like a noose.
When the sunlight returns the shadows will creep,
my beauty there shall be no truce.
Her eyes the color of jade,
such as a black cat on Halloween.
The soul that lay behind them,
so lovely yet tainted, unclean.
Her body that of an hourglass,
but what happens when time runs out?
Each grain of sand, each faded memory;
will fall to the bottom no doubt.
Yet here you stand just inches away,
from the women that will cause your death.
No matter the place, when the bond is sealed,
my friend you’ll have nothing left.
Say your vows and exchange the kiss,
barely able to breathe.
She slips the poison into your glass,
you still think it’s meant to be.
Britney Lyn Dec 2017
You were so scared of losing me you didn't realize you already had,
When the barbed wire meant to protect me started hurting me instead.
Britney Lyn Nov 2017
Your name felt like thorns on my tongue.
Oh, but how I longed to see the rose you once were.
I admired you even as you wilted.
Even now, dead.
But I miss the flushed color of you, the velvet of your petals against my flesh.
The pains you left on my heart.
The mess you left in my head.
I no longer like the smell of roses, because none of them smell like you.
Britney Lyn Nov 2017
Destory me in a way I won't come back from.
Beat me like I deserve it.
**** me like I'm worthless.
Take my heart, and make sure there isn't anything left when you finally decide to leave.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
You make me breathless, but please put your hands around my throat and choke so I can at least enjoy you slowly killing me.
Your hands are all I've thought about today.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
And your brown eyes are still the brightest part of my future, even if they do not rest upon me but instead continue looking.
Britney Lyn Mar 2018
I'll drag myself out of your bed, and through the door,
I heard you didn't want me anymore.
Isn't that what you said?
That you didn't want all of these skeletons?
Hiding in your closet, when she came home.
I'll throw them in the fire and watch them turn to ash,
Watch them burn with the rest of the trash.
I only ever aimed to make you smile,
Honestly I haven't seen it in awhile...
Will you take my hand and burn with me?
We could get rid of all the bad things,
Erase all the thoughts with band aids.
I wait for you to come back to me,
But then I see our fire burning,
And realize you won’t be returning.
Britney Lyn Jan 2018
I, of snow
You, of sea.
Cold, yet warm to touch,
Warm, yet cold to depth.
Our hearts, protected by barriers,
Our love, formless, constantly raining.
But yet you admire the pale snow,
And I, forever longing for the touch of sea.
I was inspired by a picture I found about a snowflake and the sea. Even though they take on different forms and temperatures they are still only water.
Britney Lyn Dec 2017
My heart dissolves with the impact of your words
Like cotton candy to the saliva that drips from your mouth,
With the formless promises that crash against my ribcage barrier.
I, made from sugar, forever meant to be your sweetness,
Clinging to you with a candy coated grip,
I melt against the warmth burning from within you.
Your heat has shaped me into another, your lies not meant for mine.
I wish to make you sick with wonder, sick with love.
But my sweetness was made for so much, and you my dear were never enough.
Britney Lyn Mar 2018
And as I stare out at the water,
With it's eerie dark grays and violent blues,
The heavy currents disrupting any source of gentleness it may hold,
I think in my head about running and running,
Until it's time for me to jump,
And once I'm submerged, surrounded by black,
I will ponder the thought of not coming back up,
Of just letting the water have me,
For I am already captivated by it's beauty.
A beauty that has already taken my breath away.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
Tell me that you still look for me in a crowd out in public. Tell me I live in your mind, that I don't just cross it.
I wrote down the times that you were eating me alive. The times I couldn't breath the times I did more than cry. I wrote about the passion, the love, the hate. I wrote about sidewalks, the movies and cake. I miss the moments we would meet eyes, I miss the moments we went on nighttime drives. I think about details like the curls in your hair, the way you stared. Your eyes lit a fire I have yet to put out. A fire that's destroyed me So just tell me you understand, this way that I feel. I need the closure so maybe I can heal.
Please let me heal.
Britney Lyn Feb 2018
Innocence follows her, but inside she's wild,
She thinks of things that shouldn't be thought.
Her mind plays tricks while her heart ceases desire,
A fiction of its own, a lesson never taught.
And as she lays in bed at night, her eyes never truly close,
Seeing the colors in silhouette form, the painful memory shows.
The pitter-patter of a heart, beaten and broken yet fixed,
The silent screams in the dark, yet not a sound, transfixed.
A rage trapped beneath her light, she refuses to become what she hates,
The river that flows within her veins, a poison left to manipulate.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, she sings the melody again,
Paper bags and plastic hearts, a tune for only the insane.
"Each one has a color" she points to them all "some light and some dark"
"But those colors change in life when that person changes their mark."
I wrote this 6 years ago. Please be mindful.
Britney Lyn Oct 2018
It’s been obvious for awhile now that we’ve gone our separate ways.
But I can’t help but bring you to the front of my mind every day I wake.
The urge to check up on you, make sure you’re okay, is unbearable to say the least.
To know if you look the same way you did nearly a year ago, or did you change?
To hear that laugh that used to make me sing.
To feel your touch graze my arm, caress my cheek.
All that keeps me going is the saying that everything happens for a reason.
Maybe fate will bring us together once again, even just as friends.
I look up at the sky and smile knowing you’re seeing the same as I.
The perspective might be different but you see the same moon, see the same clouds, feel the same wind.
Even if we have no future, we are all connected, whether we want to be or not.
And maybe that’s enough for me.
Britney Lyn Dec 2018
I’m so tired of begging for romance in things that are less than romantic by nature. I refuse to get on my knees and plead to the tune of your hypocrisy. Affection and appreciation in the slightest would subdue this mind that consumes my worth, but second thoughts plague this waking body and fuel your comfort upon thy throne. Disappointment comes easily to a girl who simply picks flowers for their beauty when that is truly all they have to offer. Petals falling with her patience and wilt with her happiness. Good riddance to the man who took for granted a warrior in flesh and basked in the tears that filled his cup. Good riddance to prideful acts that pedestal his motives in the shame of any female who dare fall victim to his cause. Righteous is he who puts himself above others, a victorious smile smitten in vicious tendencies.
Britney Lyn Dec 2017
You broke up with me on a cold winter night.
Each word hitting me like a speeding bullet, not one missed.
And I remember watching the breath leave my body,
My ice sculpture heart shattering in that stand still moment.
A song I have stuck on repeat, singing the haunting song of forever,
Into ears that never once believed another word from the boys with beautiful eyes.
The world looks like December, bitter, and always in the landscape of you.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
Some people fight their demons, I on the other hand became mine.
And you cannot run away from yourself
Britney Lyn Dec 2016
Growing up as a child I only saw the best in everything and everyone around me.
I saw the world in colors and smiles, laughter and love.
I never thought that when I hit middle school the darkness would consume me and swallow me up.
It used to be a word I thought I’d never understand.
A word that people around me joked about,
A symptom that isn’t even real.
You see, depression is this constant feeling of dread, failure, sadness…
Like you’re stuck in a pitch black pit of despair that feels as simple as a coffin.
Where you're not only cut off from the world but you’re cut off from yourself.
A ghost inside a body that just wants to lay there and rot.
I used to be scared I could catch depression as a child,
As if someone could sneeze on me and I would immediately become infected.
All of my happiness slowly being devoured.  
Depression is a battle and sometimes we’re out numbered.
Sometimes the fight is fixed.
Britney Lyn Oct 2017
I'm drawn to you...
Not like fish are to the sea, or fire is to the wick of a candle,
No, I am drawn to you like a moth is to the flame, like a viking is to a ****** war.
I am drawn to you, despite the danger because I know in my heart that is where I belong and where I need to be, even if it ends up killing me.
Britney Lyn Jan 8
So hear my words and take them in,
I promise you'll see me soon.
On one cold nigh I'll come to you,
My skin reflecting the moon.
Britney Lyn Oct 2017
And one day you just woke up and forgot about us, forgot about the moments that stopped time for me, the moments where the dark thoughts stood silent. You ruined me, and one day I hope it will be effortless to hate you for it.
Why can't I let you go?
Britney Lyn Oct 2018
I was born for extraordinary love,
A prisoner to a heartbeat,
Seductive, captivating, mine.
Never flatlining in the outline of us,
A hidden agenda filled with time stamps of you.
Two stars never falling away from each other.
Powerful, guiding, free.
Britney Lyn Sep 2018
I haven’t had much to drink since you left.
At first it was just to spite you, but I realize now I don’t need it.
I tried to drown my demons instead of face them.
I looked them in the eye and realized they were the same eyes that captivated mine.
I no longer drink to drown them or fight them.
I welcome them with open arms because they are the closest thing I have to your embrace.
I’m now comforted in their company.
They ease my mind because they wear your face.
Britney Lyn Jan 2018
He really was the devil, a devil in disguise.
He treated me like the queen I longed to be,
He had these brown, shadowed eyes.
They held some sort of affection, it seemed only for me,
But underneath that darling smile there was no soul to see.
The gateway was open, for what seemed like forever ago.
Something had happened, to his once beautiful soul.
Lucifer loved; he loved, and he lost.
He loved so much his soul it would cost.
His wings were torn, he cried, he fell.
The devil before me, didn't love me I could tell.
A trickster he was, the fool he made me out to be.
He cast me out as he once was, alone for eternity.
Britney Lyn Nov 2017
I don't like being called "good girl" anymore.
Not because I don't like the way you say it, or why you're saying it. No.
I don't like being called "good girl" because of a man.
I met him at a party, my friend ditched me.
I was watching everyone around me relax and have fun, but I was so tense.
He must have picked up on my weakness, like a predator to prey.
He handed me a drink and kept me company, he said I looked nervous.
He told me to relax and to take a hit off his joint.
I didn't want to be there anymore, but I tried to take his advice.
We sat on the floor near the double doors and he told me I still looked nervous.
He said I had no reason to be that he'd never let anything happen to me.
I just laughed because he only just met me.
Next thing I remember I wasn't feeling too good, my head was cloudy, and the floor was the ceiling.
I remember his eyes on me, so hungry.
I remember his hands on me, whereas mine were incapable of moving.
He couldn't meet my eyes and I couldnt remember where we were or how we got there, but it wasn't by the double doors anymore.
I remember noises, the dim lighting around us, I tried to focus on anything and everything else.
I was screaming, but I don't actually know if the noise came out.
I remember the hot tears that slid down my face as he slid over my body.
I was a toy, I couldn't do anything, I was a puppet to his whim.
He stoked my face occasionally and said I was a good girl, that I didn't need to be nervous, that I was a good girl, to just take it.
I remember wailing, his hand covering my mouth, my lips bruising, my body throbbing.
I haven't seen myself the same since, there wasn't anyone I felt safe with, not a hand that didn't feel like his.
I get sick at the thought of him, at the thought of that act he forced me to commit.
I didn't know his name but I knew his face because it haunts my dreams.
I scare easy now, I want to hide but sleep can't even save me.
I didn't want to be a good girl, I never wanted to be a good girl.
So please...please.
Don't call me one.
I don't think I'll ever be able to read this poem again, it's too much for me.
Britney Lyn Oct 2017
So many hands to reach for, but yours is the one I long for.
Britney Lyn Jun 2017
I had a dream and in it you were facing death, but in the end I was the one who died.
You'll be the death of me.
Britney Lyn Aug 2017
The first time I met him he smiled at me awkwardly, as if my presence bothered him.
Of course he was too kind to ask me to leave, or maybe he was just trying to figure me out.
The second time I made any interaction with him was at our high school formal.
I wore a blue dress that flared out at my hips and gave a definition to my waist in which I loved.
He told me I looked like a mermaid and I swear I must have blushed.
The third time I was at my lowest of lows, hand on heart, wanting to rip the ***** out.
He came running from miles away to make sure that I was okay, to save my heart from anymore breaking.
We were friends after that. I was somehow connected to him emotionally. As if I owed him something maybe.
We had classes together, we joked around, and I fell.
I fell so hard that when I hit the bottom I was a puddly mess of emotion.
I want to believe that he fell too, even if it was just further away.
I want to believe I'm not just sitting her two years after he left writing about him for no reason.
I've tried. So **** hard. To let him go because I cannot find him.
Some days I'm convinced I have released my grip, that i can finally be content or even happy.
But on days like today I think back on all the good times we had and it's as if I've fallen all over again, only to relive the heartbreak.
I was always afraid that he'd leave, find someone better.
I was always afraid of change, and he was.
I write about you in hopes that by pouring my feelings out I'll be closer to getting over what we had. Because what we had feels like nothing at all anymore.
Britney Lyn Feb 2017
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.
I wonder when the shadows will take a hold and pay the toll.
I hear screaming in my head with the silence of the night.
I see the future in my way without a guiding light.
I want to hide from the reflecting emotional troll.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I pretend to be the hero but I’m really in distress.
I feel like fitting in with every girl but I’d like myself even less.
I touch the darkness where it meets the light, when the sun becomes the moon.
I worry about the vicious fight, the princess verses the goon.
I cry when my heart becomes a weak unreachable hole.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I understand the melody that’s rising with these flames.
I say I love who I am but I’m tired of the games.
I dream about a man but I can never see his face.
I try to find the puzzle piece, one that fits in place.
I hope to be the diamond, not the unfavorable coal.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.
Wrote this in high school, thought I'd share.
Britney Lyn Jun 2017
My eyes are filled.
My glass is empty.
My heart is shot.
My phones not buzzing.
My mind is racing.
My stomach is turning.
My shower is blistering.
My body feels nothing.
And it's all because of you.
Britney Lyn Nov 2017
You lit a fire underneath my frozen heart.
The ice began to melt, my heart became warm to you.
The kind of warmth I had longed for.
But the flame never stopped, it burned.
It turned my heart a brittle black, a mistake you tried to fix.
But at the slightest touch it turned to ash, and beat no more for your words and affections.
Britney Lyn Apr 2017
I admired her paleness.
It was like the bitter stillness of the winters landscape.
Or the soft, fragile feathers encased in my bedside pillow.
No color amongst those perfect pore-less cheeks.
Her lips a crimson red; a rustic brown, stained her teeth as she smiled.
I never thought I’d bestow my eyes upon such beauty, a goddess among the earth.
A wolf among mere sheep.
I wanted nothing more than to lift my hand and graze that face but I mustn't.  
Because she shined so bright against the rest and I refused to dull that shine.
My muddied hand was not worthy of such perfection.
I wanted no other to lay eyes on her skin, hair, body.
I would sooner gouge out my own eyes than loose sight of what I am seeing before me.
She will be my last vision, oh but what a vision she was.
I had multiple takes on this poem as I went along in its process. First I was thinking from a mans point of view to see such a beauty even he knew he could not have her. Then I thought how I could make it personal. So it became a piece about a women staring at herself in the mirror and loving what she sees. A women of perfection and never wanting to let that sight go. You are beautiful!
Britney Lyn Jun 2017
She would glance up at the sterling lights in the sky surrounded by their black blanket of night, hoping to find the hidden secrets behind them. Secrets are always hidden by beautiful things...
She sighed softly and glanced down upon her feet that sway oh so slightly in the water below, she was alone.
She couldn't help but think to herself if there was someone out there that saw the world as she did, and if so, why do they hide like the secrets in the sky... the young girl brought her feet up out of the water and stood.
Why ponder on a thought of no existence, she said shutting the door to her house and her heart.
Something I wrote 5 years ago.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
My thoughts eat at me like termites to a tree.
Tearing me apart from the inside out until I'm nothing but rotting dreams and scattered leaves.
Late night inspiration
Britney Lyn Apr 2017
I'm not okay, but if somebody could even bother to look past my smile and ask, I would lie and say I'm fine because that's what I do. i deal with my problems by not dealing with them at all. I hide, I run, I lie. My mind has always gotten the better of me and let me tell you, it's such a bully to my heart.
And how many more times can my heart get beat before it stops beating?
Britney Lyn Nov 2017
You were a storm on my heart.
Your gusts of wind took me aback with each breath you let go,
Your words like thunder pounded at my barriers until you came flooding in.
You shattered the windows, tore down my walls and left me with nothing.
Nothing but you and your shallow waters.
Britney Lyn Apr 2017
I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that you’re no longer in my life. ******* for making me feel this way when I shouldn’t feel a ******* thing! Someone said your name the other day and I pretended to be okay with that fact that the sound of it still broke my heart. Every memory that I had suppressed found its way back to the front of my brain trying to remain there in fear they’d one day be forgotten. I wouldn’t care if I forgot though, because maybe then I could move on with my life and think about things that are important now instead of back then. Because you left. No note, no text, no call, not even a sorry, goodbye.
I wonder every now and then if you’re happy with your life because I question if I’m happy with mine. Things aren’t the same anymore and I guess that’s okay because if they were I might get bored of the constant but I wish you would have been a constant in my life. I think my mistake was never having the fear of losing you because when I did I wasn’t ready for the blow I took when I fell and you weren’t there to catch me. I realize I’m not much of anything, not even worth a few words or minutes of your time. But I just don’t understand how someone can go from caring about you, really caring about you to not even recognizing you when you walk by.
My days felt like years and every year I grow older but I haven’t seemed to die yet, at least not on the outside. It’s cold most days and that’s completely okay because the warmth reminds me of you and those nights we’d count our stars and count the hours before the sky became lighter and swallowed the moon. I rather liked the warmth then, like the time it was raining and we walked to a bench but the breeze cut through my clothing so you hugged me tight and wrapped me in a blanket I stored in my trunk. I can’t even walk down my own hometown streets because we used to walk on those sidewalks and that marked the best day of my life because it was the first day we really spent together and the first time I actually felt something other than this terrible sadness.
I think about the moments when my best friend and I were dancing like ballerinas in the kitchen and the moments where we stayed up all night playing that stupid Dance, Dance, Revelation and you’d sit on that couch watching us just laughing. I miss that sound you know. The sound that always brought me back from the hole I’d always manage to sink into. I ponder the times when we’d go on those late night drives just to get away from everything and be alone with the stars, and on the nights the stars refused to show we’d go get doughnuts and talk over your coffee and my hot chocolate. We’d talk about life, whether I was happy or not, what I could do to help you out, all of our problems we faced together. I remember leaving that shop one night at 3am with you, and you smashed that doughnut into my face and I chased you for what felt like an hour. Or the time you bought a cake for me because I was turning 19 but when I was unlocking my car you yelled for me and I turned around in a panic only to have my face land right into the middle of it.
I was so angry at you, but you said it was cute. I must have yelled at you for hours because my hair was all matted and my clothes stained with that sickly sweet frosting but you said I looked so beautiful and that it was a good look for me. We did so much together and I remember every ******* detail. Everything. I never thought moments like that would keep me up at night, bring tears into my eyes that were already made of too much sea.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though it’s been over a year now and I’m happy with someone else, I still miss you. Because whether you were my first love, or second I still loved you.
And there’s no getting over that.
Please just let me sleep tonight.
Britney Lyn Nov 2017
When you left, I thought about you every ******* day.
I thought about you when I woke up in the morning, checking my phone for an apology text, but there were none.
I thought about you in the shower, how the warmth of the steam felt like your breath on my neck.
I thought about you in my car on the way to work, how if I happened to glance over I could see vague fragments of you in the passenger seat.
I thought about you while my music was blasting, singing along to tunes I could only listen to, to remember you.
I thought about you at my busiest moments of the day, where you were, if you were happy.
I thought about you in the grocery store, you pushing the cart and telling your jokes, going about our day.
I thought about you when I cried on the couch, your hand rubbing my back, telling me you missed me and that you're so sorry.
I thought about you on long walks, hand in hand with you, all of your thoughts.
I thought about you while I lay in bed, how you'd caress my cheek and tell me I meant the world to you.
I thought about you before I went to sleep, how you'd cradle me and how you're cradling her the same.
I thought about you for a whole ******* year.
I thought maybe...just maybe. You thought of me too.
And now that you're back in my life, I'm starting to realize maybe you're not the same guy you were when you left...
Britney Lyn Jun 2017
I want people to know I'm suicidal.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to tell me it gets better or to get over it.
I just want people to know because maybe taking that weight off my chest will finally allow me to breathe a little. Maybe people will be kinder.
I want people to know I'm suicidal because I want to be honest.
I want people to know that when I wake up tomorrow, I barely survived yesterday.
I want everyone to know that I want to **** myself because when I finally do, I don't want people to think that I was happy, that I had a good life.
I want people to see the deep **** **** I push down each day, the thoughts that literally eat me alive and push me to the edge.
I want people to know that when I'm in the bathtub I hold myself under until  all my air runs out.
I want people to know when I'm opening cardboard boxes at work with the box cutter I think about sliding it down my wrists.
I want people to know when I get in my car and the road goes two ways or into the lake I want to choose the lake.
I want people to know when I go to sleep at night I resist the urge to down all the pills in my house.
I want people to know that I want to break my mirrors and slit my throat with the shards.
I want people to know I'm suicidal.
And it's ******* killing me.
I'm not the happy girl you think I am.
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
Last night you told me you loved me.
That's all I've wanted to hear for the last year.
But something seemed to come over me, and I panicked.
I wanted to believe those lovely words but my heart wouldn't let me.
Because I'm enough for the moment, but I'll never be enough truly.
I never am.
And I'm sorry i never will be...
Britney Lyn Sep 2017
I still love you.
But only in my dreams do you truly love me back.
Please, if you haunt me dreams do not wake me. I cannot face the reality of us.
Britney Lyn Sep 2018
I wonder if you think about me as much as I think of you.
If I cross your mind in the dead of night.
If I creep into your dreams and if you wake up to my face in the front of your mind.
I wonder if you think of me when someone speaks my name, or if you can pass the letters over your lips without them quivering.
If you look over at your passenger seat as the sun sets and glimpse my smile.
If you recall all the memories we shared and hold them as close as I.
I wonder if you pass by someone on the street and question for a second if it’s me, if you hoped for a moment that it was.
If you miss the warmth in your hand where mine would me.
I wonder if your lips miss the familiar taste of mine, if you miss the presence of my body laying beside yours.
I wonder if you ever think to call or text, to send a letter to the girl you made a mess.
I wonder if I still mean something...anything, to you, or if I ever did at all.
Because you were everything to me.
I see you in everything I do, everywhere I go, because I miss it all, I miss you.
And I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.
I’m sorry...
But I needed you too,
And you left.
Britney Lyn Jul 2017
Cloudy days, vacant eyes,
Brilliant blue to sunset skies.
Falling stars, broken dreams,
Midnight sky with moonlight beams.
Daylight break, mourning rise,
New days come and old days die.
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