I suppose I've come to terms with the fact that you will never love me. Because how do you dwell on something that never dwells upon you.

You are the sun.

Full of warmth and anger. You light up the world but there is always a part of you hidden from it. You chase away the darkness but who chases away yours?

I had a dream and in it you were facing death, but in the end I was the one who died.

Sometimes you have to put that mask of a smile upon your own face, you have to believe your own happiness.
But what is to happen to the scars you just can't seem to erase, that are supposed to make up who you really are.
Sometimes I day dream about the before. About how things were up until we were told who we are meant to be, how we are made to act.
Who each of us would be individually instead of which piece we play to make us all a whole.
But at the end of the day some things you just don't say, and I can't say I'm a believer or that I end my days on my knees to pray.
I don't really understand how our lives happen to go by so fast, no wonder we end our days out of breath.
Some of us are meant to be in the light of day, easy lives but easy prey.
And some of us are meant to stay in the shade, hard teachings to make us strong, but who the hell cares if we die one day anyway.
I can honestly say I don't know what I'm doing with my life or what my role is in the grand plan we all take a part in.
I can't say I enjoy putting on this front every day to just get by, by hey, it's great to be alive...

I am the pen that is out of ink.
I am the gum that has lost its flavor.
I am a car that is low on fuel.
I am a Barbie with matted up hair.
I am the spoiled milk in your fridge.
I am the unexpected rain on a sunny day.
I am the stain on your favorite shirt.
I am useless.
I am undesirable.
I am an inconvenience.
I am a mess.
I am forgotten.
I am unwanted.
I am a burden.

Fearless, hateful, focused only on ripping others apart.
At least, that's the reputation.
But underneath that warlike facade, gentleness, justice.
Those deserving of a wrath so beast like, so morbid.
The wolves will tear them apart,
The owls will feast on their eyes.
Bloodshot, terrified, knowing all too well the story.
Behind the mask she puts on for the world,
Merely a girl, following orders, bringing the deserving to their knees.
Their lips forming words that beg her please,
Passionate as war, fragile as glass,
The girl with the fiery hair and paper mache mask.

Destory me in a way I won't come back from.
Beat me like I deserve it.
**** me like I'm worthless.
Take my heart, and make sure there isn't anything left when you finally decide to leave.

Who cares how high I fill the bath water when I'm already in over my head. I don't remember what it's like to sleep no matter how often I say "I'm going to bed". And don't ******* touch me because I'll probably shatter, and for god's sake don't ask me what is the matter.

And as I stare out at the water,
With it's eerie dark grays and violent blues,
The heavy currents disrupting any source of gentleness it may hold,
I think in my head about running and running,
Until it's time for me to jump,
And once I'm submerged, surrounded by black,
I will ponder the thought of not coming back up,
Of just letting the water have me,
For I am already captivated by it's beauty.
A beauty that has already taken my breath away.

When you leave I'll cry myself a river and drown in it, I promise. Because never again will I build a bridge to cross it, they always burn...

I'm drawn to you...
Not like fish are to the sea, or fire is to the wick of a candle,
No, I am drawn to you like a moth is to the flame, like a viking is to a ****** war.
I am drawn to you, despite the danger because I know in my heart that is where I belong and where I need to be, even if it ends up killing me.

Maybe it’s because I felt I owed you something for giving me all that happiness,
For you to never slip my mind, though I’ve tried to drown you out.
Intoxicating thoughts of you lingered as the toxins took over my being.
As if your hands warmed up my body and heart once again.
My veins a map you sketched to life, but I’m merely a rough draft of the love I thought we were.
Though I gave you everything I was equipped to give, I still couldn’t make you whole, even as you left me empty.
Pieces of my heart were forged to make you anew, but it wasn’t enough.
And neither were you...
I settled into my sober thoughts, no longer drunk off fake love; fake words.
Affections molded to keep me quiet, this happiness I crave wasn’t true.
How could a heart truly love when it’s as cold as you?
A glass heart doesn’t beat, only breaks, as I do.
Yet I can’t seem to slip you out of my mind, by force or gentle persuasion.
I’m condemmed to this loop, hoping you share the same fate as I.
The shattered pieces that remain here hurt, I hope the ones you took do too.
We can bleed together, you and I. Maybe then I’d be enough for you.

I want the last thing I see to be the stars, so I know my soul will finally be going somewhere beautiful.

I love you so much. And I wish more than anything I could put into words just how much, but words just are never enough. I think of writing about your eyes, the shifting colors of a deep sea with drowning stars that twinkle when your looking at me. I think to put into words the way your laugh plays my favorite songs, how I wake up every morning longing to see that smile, the one you made special for me. I think to write about the sandy landscape of your waves that fall perfectly around that face I so much adore. I think to write about the edges and hollows of your body and the way I love to trace my fingers along it, in fear I'll one day forget it's perfection. The way I feel when you touch me, when I no longer have a care about the outside world but rather the world we have created inside our small apartment, together. You are more a poem than anyone could ever write. Please stay forever by my side so I can love you every day of this life.

Of course I'm fine, why do you ask?
Oh don't mind this, it's just my mask.
It hides the grief, it hides the strife.
I wear this mask to escape my life.
You say my heart must be a sight.
It's bruised but beating, black as night.
It's not just my heart, it's in my soul.
You're killing me like it's your goal.
You're getting close, I hope you know.
You really don't have far to go.
But you don't know, you never ask.
You never look, beyond the mask.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think of you.
If I cross your mind in the dead of night.
If I creep into your dreams and if you wake up to my face in the front of your mind.
I wonder if you think of me when someone speaks my name, or if you can pass the letters over your lips without them quivering.
If you look over at your passenger seat as the sun sets and glimpse my smile.
If you recall all the memories we shared and hold them as close as I.
I wonder if you pass by someone on the street and question for a second if it’s me, if you hoped for a moment that it was.
If you miss the warmth in your hand where mine would me.
I wonder if your lips miss the familiar taste of mine, if you miss the presence of my body laying beside yours.
I wonder if you ever think to call or text, to send a letter to the girl you made a mess.
I wonder if I still mean something...anything, to you, or if I ever did at all.
Because you were everything to me.
I see you in everything I do, everywhere I go, because I miss it all, I miss you.
And I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.
I’m sorry...
But I needed you too,
And you left.

I was born for extraordinary love,
A prisoner to a heartbeat,
Seductive, captivating, mine.
Never flatlining in the outline of us,
A hidden agenda filled with time stamps of you.
Two stars never falling away from each other.
Powerful, guiding, free.

I haven’t had much to drink since you left.
At first it was just to spite you, but I realize now I don’t need it.
I tried to drown my demons instead of face them.
I looked them in the eye and realized they were the same eyes that captivated mine.
Yours.
I no longer drink to drown them or fight them.
I welcome them with open arms because they are the closest thing I have to your embrace.
I’m now comforted in their company.
They ease my mind because they wear your face.

No more chances. If you wanted me around you should have held on tighter, loved me the way I needed to be loved, and taken the time to understand me better. You were selfish with me...and I have nothing left to give you. I’m okay with being the villain this time around, that’s all I’ve ever been. But I’ve nothing to apologize for and I have every right to never pick up that phone again, even if everything inside of me is screaming at me to. I really wanted to get it right with you, and god how I ******* tried. But you can’t make a puzzle piece fit where it doesn’t belong, and I don’t think I have the energy to mold myself into a new shape for you when the space left for me to fit is so small... if you really loved me you’d have been proud of my growth, you’d have stopped to admire my flowers in full bloom instead of plucking me away to shove in your pocket.

I do care for you, something inside of me always always will. But I also resent you. We tried for years,  years and it has come to this. Strangers. We don’t act like friends, we don’t talk like friends, it’s like I was never even a blimp on your map, never a chapter in your book. Which is fine. But don’t you dare sit there and paint me black when I put up with years of sneaking around, years of lie after lie after lie. I’ve had to sit there, knowing the truth and have the one person I’m supposed to trust, the one person who is supposed to care for me look me in the eye and lie. You’ve crossed your heart on words of betrayal one too many times, and I’ve crossed our bridge and set it aflame in hopes of shedding the weight of our past. I know you never really loved me. You may care for me, but I was never your person. I never could manage to set your soul ablaze and light that fire in your eyes. But you’re not my person either, because if someone can consciously make the decision to do things they know will pain their partner, that’s not love. You stopped calling me beautiful, you stopped admiring, you stopped telling me you loved me all the time and stopped giving me the attention and affection that I so desperately needed. You stopped being my boyfriend a long time before we broke up, so don’t you dare sit there and paint me to be the villain because I tried. You may have broken me every time you lied to me but I will not let you break the little bit of trust for the world and sanity I have left. I’m nobodies victim. Not even yours.

It's not worth it, but you are worth everything.

When you left, I thought about you every ******* day.
I thought about you when I woke up in the morning, checking my phone for an apology text, but there were none.
I thought about you in the shower, how the warmth of the steam felt like your breath on my neck.
I thought about you in my car on the way to work, how if I happened to glance over I could see vague fragments of you in the passenger seat.
I thought about you while my music was blasting, singing along to tunes I could only listen to, to remember you.
I thought about you at my busiest moments of the day, where you were, if you were happy.
I thought about you in the grocery store, you pushing the cart and telling your jokes, going about our day.
I thought about you when I cried on the couch, your hand rubbing my back, telling me you missed me and that you're so sorry.
I thought about you on long walks, hand in hand with you, all of your thoughts.
I thought about you while I lay in bed, how you'd caress my cheek and tell me I meant the world to you.
I thought about you before I went to sleep, how you'd cradle me and how you're cradling her the same.
I thought about you for a whole ******* year.
I thought maybe...just maybe. You thought of me too.

I don't hate anyone, it's not in my nature.
I hate me, but I'm nobody really.

The monsters under my bed came out to fight the monsters in my head.
They were tired of me losing sleep over my battling demons.
They could never truly have me because the voices in my head already did.

Hope you didn't see,
The look in my eyes,
When I realized,
I was in love with another,
And no longer in love,
With the ocean that is you.

Does your heart still yearn for me?
Did it ever yearn for me at all?

Silver, one...two...blue,
As the cars go by my mind wanders to you.
How your eyes turned amber in the light,
How your smile cut through me like a dagger,
Never the matter,
It was all for you.
Future talks and past traumas,
Highs, lows and all the dramas.
Back and forth in our ruthless endeavors, we thought we were clever.
Maybe one day we'll get better, but not together,
Because you broke the girl who was made from glass, crash.
Now she's too sharp for you to hold her.
Shame.
She fell for a boy so lame, even though everyone told her

It doesn't matter how many times you save me, if you only build me up to break me.

Would you forgive me if I close my eyes?
I’m oh so tired of my demons feeding me lies.
And if my parents happened to see, would they believe I was just asleep?
Would they rush to my side and kiss me goodnight or hold my hand in panicked fright?
You see, I’ve a hard time keeping all these emotions inside of me at bay,
The demons twist them up, they spit them out and present me with a tape to play.
Every doubt I’ve ever had, over analyzed and placed on repeat for me to constantly see.
I don’t know silence, she isn’t a friend, but maybe when I’m dead she’ll finally love me.