We were only friends because we shared mutual vices . Yeah, we ran around together and listened to each others problems. But throughout that we were high, drunk, or suicidal . How much do you think we could honestly care like real friends do? How often do you think we were together when the sun shined? Smoke clouds held us through brandy-lakes and just above Hell. Without those, apart, we fell . We were only friends because we shared mutual vices.

One day I swear I was walking through skies of grey,
a presence swooped by and made me feel a certain way.
My eyes first glanced and my heart soon followed.
My tongue drew back, with a deep breath, I swallowed.
Carried along by clouds of nine,
our hearts whispered to each other,
you are mine.
In that moment, my whole mindset changed.
In that moment, the whole meaning of my being rearranged.

To capture the significance of this first meeting,
you’d have to feel the happiness of a blind man’s first time seeing,
of a suicidal human’s first time feeling their meaning,
an unconditional feeling of being alright with just being.

To truly feel the story that was next to come,
you’d have to know the comfort of a warming gun,
the peace in the clouds giving relief from the sun,
the time you knew you had found the one.
You’d have to know complete selflessness.
To give everything possible and be ok with having none.
To convulse each shun because you know this feeling has just begun.

This day, I didn’t know what was to come.
I could have never predicted marble nonsense,
and soothing sleep hums.
Never known, there was not enough words in the dictionary
that quite sums up what he is.  

The way he moves, is a ballet all to myself, I feel his movements too.
The way he speaks, as carefully as gently placed morning dew.
The way he thinks, an accumulation of experience powdered by his mind, something new.
Noticing these things and many more, inside me,something grew.

It grew throughout my bones and tied bows around my guts,
placed vials of him in my brain and convinced myself that I was nuts.
He opened new doors and allowed my mind to run free,
He ripped shades off my eyes and finally let me see.
This thing grew within my heart and released the real me.
My thoughts rang out with quotes, forever we would be.

I’m not going to lie and say it was all glitz and glam,
there’s moments that I questioned all I really am.
There were moments where I cried and I couldn’t give a ****,
there were moments where the grim reaper’s hands were upon me,
moments where there was beauty around but I could not see.

Forgivable, these moment’s easily are named.
Fore he always ran to save me, never shamed.
As well, these occurrences were to be expected,
with a love like this, rough times come, these memories were collected.

Despite the corrupted and ***** truth,
there was much more than grime in this love-story youth.
There was beauty in the rain and pleasure in pain,
his name on any lips, glass, holy-stained.
His touch to my skin, held it there, chained.
Lonely soul’s , a playmate gained.
Leaving this feeling, so long I have refrained.
He has my heart, I come to him, well trained.

To understand this feeling you’d have to step into my skin,
Ask me nicely, i’ll let you in.
Our love is unique not a chick-flick film sneak peek.
within my eyes, new feelings you will seek.
Feelings never felt before,
feelings that never bore,
that make your heart sore,
that make you feel pure…

And this feeling, I shall never stray,
this role, i will continue day to day,
this man,
i will love as i may,
until it’s time our souls float away into nonexistence,
but that’s another story for another day…
(k.r.k)

They ask me how I feel.
How could I explain this?
The cracks and sizzles beneath my skin when anyone touches me now.
The snapping of my guts being removed from me,
and the empty pit left within.
My skin covered in
layers and layers and layers
of don't look at me.
I'm ashamed.
How could I tell the reasons
why my tears threaten to run away from me,
but I pull them back in.
Holding onto them tight,
so no one knows.
As if the salty water could wash away my front.
How could I make them grasp the fact that everything personal I've had is gone.
Every secret spread across my face.
Every crack and scrape once covered by makeup,
now pulsing redder and hotter than before.
There is no words for how I feel.
There is no script of what to say.
There's only one time I get to feel this way.
And it is the most terrifying thing in the world.

baby, you're mine*
Allow your body to fold into my arms,
our breath synchronized.
Let your tears fall,
I promise i'll lick the salty water away.
Show me where the hate was so deep
it appeared as stripes onto your tough skin,
I promise i'll kiss the rust tainted liquid away..
Spill to me your bitter rage and ill tame it.
I'll release you of the shackles and fill you with my oxygen,
let you walk on the clouds you deserve.
Come here, dear, and i'll pull you so close to my heart
that the beating revives yours and pumps blood through your body,
where it should be.
Sweetheart, I've made it past the mask,
I've swam when the easier option was to sink.  
I'm here and don't think for one second
if i could go back in time that i'd change it.

You'd have to know what you're looking for
if you try to figure him out.
You have to look past the shackles weighing down his ankles.
Past the staples holding his smile in place.
I try every day,
bleeding from my nails breaking off
while scraping the concrete,
trying to tear through.
You'd have to swat away the vile that the demons release,
attempting to scare away the trespassers of his mind.
The sorrow of his eyes will pull you in,
but with all your might you will have to swim.
I hold my breath until I turn blue and dive in.  
No way will I let this darkness intimidate me,
No, I shall shoo them away
and coo while I stain his name on my lips with a smile that says...

The blue over her eyes caused a blinding glare.
"Don't look in." Her empty gaze warned.
Her smile. sinister and beautiful.
"Don't make me feel." Her tongue flicked.
She made sick jokes and carried herself like shattering glass.
You want to watch the way she moves,
but all you know of is her evil outlook.
You force yourself to look away.
Only outsiders will see in this moment
the edginess softens into plush.
The blue runs down her face into a stream.
The smile is shattered with each step..
When  you muster up the courage to look again
the glass is tied together by loose string.
It's your decision to pull it and release the pieces
or look away and allow the evil to fester.

...but soul mates
you said, reminding me.
I held that closest to my heart.
Every time you asked me
why do you do this to me?
I smiled gently,
because it was mutual.
We couldn't help but love each other.
I remember it.
Every time I saw you
my heart did jumping jacks.
My arms ached
like blood rushing to them
to have you in them,
my head filled with air,
like a balloon
filled with helium
begging you to put your lips to them
and **** the air out of me,
leaving our voices a funny mess
for each other to decipher.
I remember,
the exact way you held me
and whispered to  me
that
"with me nothing can get you,
                          you're safe."*
and I believed you,
but you never told me that love had gotten me.
dragged me deep within your heart,
locked me in there without a key.
left me there to drown in my tears
and listen to the walls of your heart
echo for another girl.

She screamed,
And the blood of her victims
Reigned down upon her.
Sealing her thin body in a scarlet coat,
Her naked eyes shown through.
No emotion for anything,
No sign of the murderous frenzy taking place.
The murdered thought she was one of them,
But they couldn't see what she did.
Images flashed from one to another,
Totally normal to
Morbid nightmares
In her everyday life.
She was just scared,
We justified.
She thought they were harming others,
We excused this little mess,
And let her free,
But that is not what should be.
Her victims walk around my room
And stop In my doorway,
Embodiments of normal people.
But the fear of the lady coming to **** them
Is terrifying.
So I wake up,
And live my life
Sleep deprived and afraid.

You expect me to dance when you stare,
But in fact I sit still as a rock and just stare back.
You think I'm completely silent.
In solitude.
But no,
I'm analyzing every curve
Of your face,
Every octave
In your judge mental tone.
Every fiber of your being that
Makes you who you are,
Wether I hate or love you.
I analyze you to see you as your emotions.
I see through your skin,
To me you're transparent.
I see what's inside,
And that should scare you to death,
Because it does me,
Fore I am transparent as well,
And if you really looked,
You'd see me quite easily.

I lay here,
Intimations of wonderland
Flowing around me.
Close my eyes,
And reminisce.
My life,
My weekend,
Heart racing happiness happened.
And now,
Alone in the presence of my unforgiving mind,
My past pushes forward.
1 memory
And laughter pushes away
Creeping sadness,
And I think to myself,
Yes.
This is a wonderful life.

I look in the mirror.
I don’t appear.
This girls eyes are stained red.
Her hair, a rat’s nest.
Her cheeks are red.
Pale skin.

I try to think.
My mind doesn’t pop up.
I swim through my head trying to find it,
But the smoke gets in the way.
I see nothing real.

Nothing matters, will matter, or ever has mattered
In this haze of mine.
The only concern
Is how many giggles I can release
Per minute.

I have goose bumps,
My feelings are nonexistent.
I’m walking through a dream.
I don’t have to dwell on sadness,
I can release myself into a different kind of wild.
The kind I control.
In my head.

I know it, I’m a new kind of evil.
21st century devil.
Manipulative and romantic.
Fall in love with me, I’m irresistible.
You can’t help it, darling, trust me.
Try to hurt me, I’ll come back harder.
Baby, I’m invincible.
I’m every fear in your imagination,
Coming out to play.
I’m not scared of anything,
I’ll win the game…
You’ll find yourself glued to me,
Despite the rage-filled horror I lay upon your
Fragile little life.
I know it, I’m THE 21st century devil.
You’re aware I’m evil,
But you can’t stay away.

And so she jumped.
She was flying, weightless…
The bridge was very tall…
Her senses diminishing with each inch closer to the…
She lost consciousness on her way down...
Her body dissolved into the velvet water…
Hypothermia instantly set in as the bone chilling water
Swallowed her…
Every sense and thought of him floating through the air…
No pulse...
Finally free…
He doesn’t fill her head anymore, the moment she stopped breathing, her blood stopped flowing. He stopped running through her veins, through her head. Her body. The memory of him died as she did.

“It was all the same.”
Her last words.
The pills; her struggles.
One by one down her throat,
Beneath her skin.
Slowly reality fades,
Like she did to the people around her.
Nothing mattered,
She didn’t matter.
The empty bottle;
Her empty heart.
No one made her feel special anymore.
The one person alone,
Standing at her grave.
Her alone,
Enclosed with velvet and dirt.
She lived and died the same.
Everything was alone.
Left empty.
“It was all the same.”

I’m feeling nothingness.
No giddy happiness.
No depressing sadness.
No uncontrolled rage.
Nothing.
I’m not in love right now.
I love people, I know, but it doesn’t make
My heart pump, race.
I don’t fantasize my suicide anymore.
I don’t cry myself to sleep, either.

Maybe I don’t know what I am,
Because I’m on new grounds.
I’m used to sadness.
Comfortable in my depression…
So now,
I guess I’m just numb.
Maybe a bit confused as well.
I cry when I think of someone I use to have.
I want someone to hold on to,
Someone to hold on to me.
I laugh when something’s funny.
I get mad when someone aggravates me.
Overall though, I’m plain.
Blank.
Numb.
Nothing.
Overall,
**I am nothing.

Can you hear something that's
Not real?
Time is not real,
But you hear the
tick tock of a clock.
You say you're heart,
Is nonexistent; not real.
But you can hear the
thump thump
In your chest.

No pants.
Black tank top.
Music on.

Pills in.
Tears nonexistent.
Numb.

I think.
Try to find myself.
Who am I?
I come to a blank.

Can't find me.
Just my acts.

I swallow.

Bleeding from thighs,
Carelessly bleeding in the middle of the
family room.

Thinking.
***** rises.
I run and help it go.

Look in the mirror.
Not me.

My persona swallowed me.

Run and lay into the middle of the floor.
The rest of me sinking into hell.

I'm nothing but an act.

I will never understand
Society’s preference for love.
It is made out to be
Such a beautiful emotion
In songs and movies.
So why can’t everyone feel it?
Is there no Freedom of emotion?
Love is to be shared
Between two emotion feeling
things
Right?
So a man and a man can love each other.
A woman and a man.
A woman and a woman.
What is so wrong with that?
Social media is filled with same *** couples,
Happily together
For years upon years.
So why shouldn’t they tie the knot?
Do you realize that you’re making them feel less human
Because they don’t have the same
Privileges as straight couples.
Bullying is made illegal in multiple states,
Bullying includes not allowing people into
You’re group.
So how about we stop bullying
Men that love men
And women that love women.
We are all equal.

They sat with chests to each other,
Legs crossed.
Sad brown eyes staring into
Sympathetic blue.
Brown tears began to fall,
While blue watched,
Wiping them away carefully,
As almost if her fingers could create
Holes in the other girl’s cheeks.
They both had flowing tears now,
Both wiping them away.
Brown, unknowingly rougher with blue,
Than blue had been with brown.
A bit of anger towards blue showing,
Being overcome by love.
In eachothers arms,
breathe was the words spoken
Followed by scripted I love you’s
The moment wrapped in cellophane broke.
Tears ended,
Cellophane ripped away,
Distance made.
Blue was not aware that brown’s sadness
Had visited once she left her arms.

I love her
I lust for **him

How am I supposed to celebrate Americas freedom
While I'm not free myself?
My mind strangled by metaphors
And thoughts of him
The fireworks making the sky
Shine and glow
As he used to do
By placing a smile upon my face...
The oohs and ahhs of excitement;
Barely equivalent to the burst and sizzle
Of each shared kiss...
Happy people in love
Suffocating me,
His scent is pushed past me,
Carried by the wind.
My heart sinks a little more
With each vibrant spiral in the air.
Fire is raining in the sky
As I'm slowly sinking through the ground
And into the fire below.

You told me to live each day like it's my last,
Never hold back,
Be dangerously impulsive.
As long as it kept me happy.
But you never told me I could lose things while doing so...
I was the Same as you,
Impulsive teenagers in love.
I kept you for a while,
But then you acted impulsively.
Things took a step back,
We were no longer we,
You and then there's me...
You kept living,
Kept happy.
I remained impulsive.
Heat of the moment,
Bleeding to death slowly .
No impulse there.

Suicide undoubtably swallows my family whole...
Wether it's failed attempts or successful memories
It consumes us.
Well, me anyways,
and whatever "family" I have left.
By suicide,
I don't necessarily mean death.
Drugs eating the brain,
Alcohol stealing life...
And then,
Literal suicide-death.
When my brains trails off to this action,
I let its leash go and it runs wild,
Going through different scenarios and planning my lonely funeral.
Jumping through hoops and falling off the cliff of sanity,
I can't capture my mind again without the help off medical candy.
When my mind's ******* again,
I open my eyes to reality of
White walls and crazed people surrounding me,
Locked in mental institution yet again...

My tears burn valleys into my cheeks,
Laying thinking,
I need safety...
But you don't see the danger,
So I lay here in misery
Scared and scarred
Broken and beaten down.
Crying and grasping for love
No
More
Hurt...
Please.?

We used to say to burn to death would be
excruciating
But love,
You do not know
The extent of excruciating;
The pain of losing you.
To me now,
Burning to death
Would be a pleasant escape,
Compared to having to
Take breaths
And live each day
Without you being mine.

Although,
I wish for you to see me.
Dancing to music, totally lost.
Laughing, beautiful.
Being silly, the girl you fell for.
Creating new paintings, memories...
But rather than just seeing me,
Be there with me.
Prove predictions.
*Together,forever.

I wish for you to see me...
Alone in my room.
Singing,writing about you.
Crying,begging darkness.
Throwing notes,paintings,
Watching our memories rain down.
Covering my floor in
Tear-drenched declarations of love.
Watch me prove predictions,
I said,
without you, I'd be dead.'
Save me...
You're the only one watching.

thump thump
                              thump thu thump
thump thump thump
                               thump thu thump
thump thump thu thump
                               thump thu thump thump
thump thump thump thump
                               thump thump thump thump
thump thump thump thump
                               thump thu thump
thump thu...*
                                *thump thu thump
*-

1 a.m.,
Supposed to be asleep.
1 a.m.,
My body starts to weep..
Memories I keep,
Strewn all over the floor,
Me,
Crawling,
Looking for more.
My knees and palms are sore,
Finally,
I find what's in store.

Shiny,
Bright,
Not new.
Old habit,
I run the sharp edge over my fingertip,
Place it on my hip,
Careful not to hit anything important,
I move it to my wrists.
Dig and dig to find relief,
All the pain that's  underneath
Sighs,
My cries muffled.

1 a.m. ,
Supposed to be asleep.
1 a.m.,
My blood proceeds to seep.
My soul is his to keep..
Don't weep
1 a.m.,
I'm dead.

I told you I couldn't live without you,
Don't you see what's happening?
My skin has strings of scarlet again,
New picture from when you were mine..
I sleep way too much,
Threatening drowning in my tears.
I'm no longer protected,
Let's be honest all I ever did was hurt myself,
And my family didn't see my reality,
They were out of the circle.
You were my
sword,shield and armor
The holder of my heart,
The muse to my art,
Breathing into my lungs with every sweet word,
So now I have no oxygen supplement,
I told you I couldn't live without you..
I'm dying,
Please save me,
You're the only one who knows how..

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you there aren't any monsters,
Nor am I going to sugarcoat the facts,
People are monsters, kid.
Humanity is imaginary.
Everybody chewing each other's ears with horrible remarks,
Making glass eyes fall out with every piercing stare.
Skin breaking with each hit.

So I don't understand why we check for monsters beneath the bed,
When they are obvious,
All around us.
Causing suicide and death.
Allowing people to fill our head,
Our heart.

That's when the real damage starts.
The monsters possessing us.
Their strong magic,
So called love.
Strong force,
Squeezes our hearts and makes it pulse.
Causing cracks,
Until it rips out of our chest,
And finds a new home in who made it that way.

So yes, monsters are real.
They are in your classes,
And in your home.
They are passing you in the store,
And they are lying to you.

But the realist part about this,
Is you're a monster.
As am I.
We are all born this way.
Humanity is imaginary.
We are all monsters.

And honestly,
At this moment
All that's running through my head,
Is rock n' roll,
And near memories..
Cotton candy sky,
And oxygen breeze.
My droopy eyes
Are that of relaxation,
Not any earth-grown happiness.
My slow heart beat is smooth sailing,
Not candy-like pills.
natural high
So beautiful in a way,
But darling..
Do you remember being high with me?
High on life and love..
Together,
Our hearts beating a irregular tune.
But that's no longer,
So I sit and listen to angry melodies,
Screechy guitar riffs
And lay here,
High alone.
Not nearly good as being high with you,
I can no longer hear your heartbeat..
Nor mine..

I do not have a ****** heart..
It's been ****** with,
And torn apart..
My heart is a *******,
Getting payed with love-filled lies.
My ****** body isn't yet caught up.
I gave all that was inside of me,
Trying to protect what I was born with,
My cleanliness, my virginity,
My purity..
My ****** body is white, pure, clean.
But my heart is black, broken, dead..
Waiting to be revived.
So please, revive my heart..
But don't take my body..

I'm tired of
Others in love,
Reminding me,
Of my reality,
That I need to forget.

The stars rain down and fall into the waves of our hair,
Clouds drift around our heads and make us laugh.
Droplets of rain mix with the sweat running down our faces.
The warmth of happiness dances through our bodies,
Smiles engrave newfound dimples into our cheeks.
Drops of moonlight reflect from our eyes,
Making them shimmer when we exchange enticing looks.
Our walking of colorful streets provokes stares.
We are
Invincible. Role models. Gorgeous. Envied.
We are finally the things we wished to be.
But the best part is, is that we are it together.
And I couldn't be happier.
So I thank you,
And I love you, my sisters of the night.
You are the blood in my veins,
The white of my teeth,
Each of my laughs.
Thank you.

I search and search for something to define this emotion i'm living with.
Type and write to sort out my racing mind,
never to find the answers.
It's frustrating of course,
but also beautiful.
To feel something so unreal it makes you transparent,
vulnerable to the person making you feel this way.
It's love you may say,
but much more than that.
~
The lips that dance with mine,
breathe air into my lungs,
giving me life.
The words that are whispered into my ears,
are fuel to my heart,
making it speed.
The arms wrapped around me,
send me to palces unimaginable.
Lands of being safe and total trust.
Worlds of comfort and warmth.
I finally know why things never worked out with anyone else, because this is the person that takes me to new heights and gets everthing just right.
I guess you can call this love,
love from a poets soul is different
than everyday people.
artistic and twisted, overthought and true.

I could lock myself in my room.
Surrounded by my belongings,
By the mirrors that have seen my secrets.
I could cry and bleed for days without anyone asking why.
I could drink and smoke without suffering the consequences.
One lock to one room shielding me from the outside world.
Shielding me from the invisible flames of everyday life.
I could walk on my self-made clouds of smoke,
Streaming through my lungs and out of my mouth.
Filling my head with OK thoughts followed by whiskey,
Drowning her sorrows,
They say with an attitude.
Finding a place between realities standards and being ****** up.
I reply.
Attention *****.
Pain ******.
Stoner.
Happiness-seeker.
Drama queen. Depressed.
Sad.
Suicidal.
Dead.

She sits here to write a poem about the color that she has subconsciously chosen for her late night, dark movie of a life; the color that consumes her train of thought.
RED is the iron taste that calms her brain and her sick, hungry craving.
RED is her rage fueled violence that sends her raving.
RED is the chains of love that tie her to the dead man that holds her close.
RED is the remains of her many loved ones overdose.  
RED is the sounds of dark creatures in her room while she fights drowsy consciousness.
RED is the flashing lights arriving at her house to relieve her family of suicidal drama.
RED was her liquid cure to trauma.
RED is the hospitals unforgiving smell of the broken minded girl, in dire need to forget the RED sticky liquid in her hands.
RED is what she feels when no one understands.
RED is the devils strong words manipulating her movements.
RED is the crackling fire preventing her of improvements, it sends her too much joy.
RED is the lipstick that covers her when she pretends to smile.
RED is the lines that begins to pile upon her skin while she deals with the misery she’s living in. She writes her poetry to keep her sane,
Take the bad thoughts, and remove them from her brain.  
To share them with others helps her know that someone cares, because the thought of being alone is the only thing that scares her.
Abandonment has sent her down this path so when she portrays violence, it’s a much perfected craft,
She wants to keep her friends but she just pushes them away because who would like to stay with the girl filled with rage.
What’s sad about this story is that the story is true,
And this story is mine, it’s nothing new. But now you know all my baggage and cracks that keeps me away from the rest of the pack.
I’m an outcast and a liar to say that I’m fine, but the movie that I made with this color is truly divine.
Please don’t worry my dear, I’m getting better with time.
This poem is the past and I’m in the world of new so maybe my next movie in Technicolor would be best if it was BLUE.

Why do they stare?
And act like they care.
Why do they lie?
Then leave without goodbye?
It must be me,
What do they see?
A throw away toy,
Used up of her joy?
A nighttime ride,
Rid of her pride?
Broken stride.
Nothing but lied to,
Nothing to do,
Except sit here and think.
Thinking is what ****’s her though.
Gnawing away her skin, and her flesh.
Digging to bone.
Her eyes are made of stone,
Nothing but her shield is shone.
She’s left alone,
Yet again.
Her blade is her only friend,
It will be what causes the end.
The end of her misery and cries.
The last lie.
The last goodbye.
Goodbye.

It starts sprinkling,
Then raining,
And eventually,
It turns into pouring,
Sometimes storming.

Well,
With you,
It started sprinkling when we began to talk,
Then skipped the pouring,
You came in full on as a storm.
Blowing me away with each word you say.

And now,
What are we coming to?
What are we going to do?
Is this rain going to stop?
Or are we going to live our life in a boat,
Saving each other from drowning?

I don’t want this to be another I Love You.
I want this to be something more.

Rage filled nights,
Blood filled fights.
Red visions blurred,
Directions without a word.
Satan fills your thoughts,
Religion is forgotten,
Bible pages gone rotten.
Green blood through your veins,
****** fills your brain.
Run and ****,
Stab for the thrill.
Wicked smiles placed,
Angelic qualities erased.
My hunger is traced with the craving,
That when satisfied sends me raving.