I cannot explain all the pathetic measures my eyes will take to avoid your gaze, all the paths my legs will journey to avoid bumping into you on my way home. All the ways I knead my hands to the bone and all the toothpick excuses skewering my tongue. And I cannot explain the way your presence deflates something inside my chest. I don't know what to do with all that empty space. It echoes. I fill it with the thimble's worth of pride that I scrape together, every meager flake of validation I pick from the floor. I shovel slopping handfuls of sawdust to try and soak up some of the shadows but everything dissolves in that oily void, green and hideous. God, it echoes, and everyone hears it. I muffle it with my radio silence. I look at you and I see everything I hate about myself under a microscope. Every blemish, every scar, every gaping hole that you lack. Stop, look. Here. Wrong. Hear? I blind myself with radio silence. I don’t know how to live with an eternal reminder that I am incomplete. You, and the place you hollowed without even knowing it. Green and monstrous. It echoes and everyone hears it. I love you, but I cannot explain my radio silence.
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It's 11:05pm I'm just leaving your new home Driving 57 miles back to mine And the dark blue sky Reminds me of that chilling water And the bright clouds reflecting the city lights Reminds of those waves I was running towards them as fast as I could To feel like the wind was taking me with it To break the heavy chains of our pain We had lost touch with being alive We were zombies holding eachother's rotting minds But in this moment, You were taking pictures of me Emotions filling my face with color again And I was free, euphoric Escaping my mind to feel the ocean Did you feel that too?
Do you remember what it was like To feel love Be loved To know our love? Even if it only lasted for a short time I would do anything to feel that again It's unlike any I've felt before And still have yet to find again I thought I found it once But then manipulation carved my heart out And I remembered you: How good you were How sweet How humble How delicate you were with me
You were so vulnerable So new to the world And when we got together You didn't get somebody Who had a fresh start like you I had been broken Again and again There was so much scar tissue That I didn't believe I could be wounded But I was wrong And when I started to bleed You watched it drain out of me Become infected And you couldn't stop any of it But I knew you still loved me.
How did it get so bad? My emotions were screaming How long did this go on? I couldn't see what was happening to you Until you reached that breaking point With me in my bedroom When did it start? Was it gradual? Did it sneak up quietly? So you couldn't see it coming? You couldn't love anything anymore You became numb for months You were losing pieces of yourself As I was building my puzzle again You fell further away from reality As I sought connection and found it You lost touch with yourself What you wanted What you needed in life I think that destroyed you And your innocence And your ability to love How did I not see the magnitude of your pain?
When I texted you You said you were good But when I saw you You couldn't lie to my face I wondered Who had checked in with you last To see how you were doing Now, the scar tissue has formed once more After all the hard work I did I had hoped so much That you were doing okay too When I told you how well I was doing You started crying I wasn't sure if that was because You were happy for me Or you realized how broken you still were
Hug me again like you did in the shed I haven't felt that since I saw you last And I know if you said that It wouldn't mean the same thing Because I'm the only one You've ever really touched And to think you spent your entire childhood Never being touched I used to get so frustrated Because you wanted my touch all the time But it never was enough or what you wanted And later I realized How could you have enjoyed it? You were numb entirely
Driving back home is torture It feels like Olympia all over again All I want is to be in your arms Snuggle me tightly in bed Be my home again This long dark road Is lightened by stars And I still remember My fingers tracing your warm skin The constellation of freckles on your arm The intensity of your hugs I never wanted you to let go So I let go instead 8 months ago And how I wish you were still my home
Know not what you know, it's true Though thoughts are yours Are concepts such? Is learning found? Be it breathed inward by yourself Or with locking lips No such life and thought Must first be instilled by this teaching within you Ew
She's cute She has purple hair She bought a Jesus pen For some reason Can't wait to see it She likes bands Bands that I actually know She compliments me Even though I'm ugly And she's a witch Who speaks Spanish
Apparently, I can't stop writing bad poetry. Leave me alone.
Decorate yourself with glitter Pretend you're not a throat slitter Put on some fancy clothes Stuff up your rotting nose Remove the dirt from your oozing toes Cover up the cuts with pantyhose Bin the decomposing embryo's Do what you want, But what I sup pose Is that it always shows.