Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
But it’s the language we used to adore
Only with you was I able to miscommunicate
Only with you were my opinions misconstrued

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
My memory of it is rusty
I can barely remember the grammar
It was intricate and had a specific structure
My boundaries were always compromised
After every time I’d let you lie

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
My tongue can barely roll the r’s
My voice can no longer shout the insults
And my mind has forgotten how to manipulate as a result

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
So, when we saw each other unexpectedly
When used one of its idioms  
I could no longer recognize it
I no longer am fluent in it

I lost myself
In between the months of May and August,
As people sped up to undress, to feel the breeze of the warm wind
As I doubled my layers and was ashamed of my own skin
I lost myself
I let my existence chip away like overdue nail polish
I let you destroy my personhood piece by piece,
I was an extension of you that had to be polished
I let your words dig through what I thought was tough skin and unravel tears
I lost myself
I forgot to smile, I forgot to let people know I was fine
I forgot to lie,
I forgot to lie
I lost myself
My existence was merely a performance
But maybe I was suddenly gaining consciousness
Maybe in the months of the harsh summer
Where every night, crying preceded slumber
Maybe I was shedding the version of me that you had created
Maybe I was shedding the extension of you that you had obligated
She could no longer be, her time was up
She had filled you with all that was in her cup
Maybe I was going through metamorphosis
Maybe the aching was her death but my genesis

They say girls who listen to Jhené Aiko are toxic
And girls who listen to Summer Walker are dramatic
The ones who listen to SZA are eccentric
And the ones who belt out all three are chaotic
But why is it that female emotion is a threat?
Why does female expression make you upset?
Is it because you’re afraid of what’s next?
Of a woman realizing that what she feels towards you is regret?
Of a woman coming to terms with the hell you tried to make her forget?
Of her understanding that you’ll be forever in her debt?
As she grieves her heartache away with Jhené,
Misses you more with Summer,
And realizes her power with SZA,
She becomes an improved version of the woman you never deserved

I never used to be that kid that collected anything
No rocks, no pennies,
not even souvenirs
Some even collected diaries
I tried so hard to form a habit of collecting something
So that I could look back to my childhood quirks and think
about the things that made me a kid

I never used to be that kid that collected anything
But I've grown to know that that was a lie
As memory came back, my past caught onto me
Memories started to become clearer, to my demise
Nothing compared to the weight that home carried
Not even my school bag
Turns out, I've always been the kid that collected something
That very thing turned out to be trauma

I think we're only good when we miss each other
and I'm ok with that
now.

I've lost too much of myself to share with you.

i'm always the one who hopes while others get to have
life only gives me lessons while others get everything
why can't i have everything?
im always the one who speaks 'it' into existence
while others exist with 'it' without hesitation
why are things limited when it comes to me?
why are my dreams too big for reality?
why can't i have it all?
why is it that when i complain, instead i should stay strong?
why is it that others speak freely and get comforted while i need to stay shut and be quiet?
why is it that my pain has to be bite size while other's pain can cover miles?
why do i have to be the strong one? why do i have to persevere?
why does it always have to be me who has to work hard,
not cry,
persevere,
not cry.
why is it always my blood,
my sweat,
my tears,
but, oh god,
don't cry.

How much of me can I be without it being too much?
How much of me do I have to be to be enough?
I’ve got problems with managing myself, I've got issues with accommodating myself.
Not one of you can answer those question, not one of you can fix that problem.

All my friends got friends
Every single one of them
I’m afraid I’ll become a hinderance
As opening up might show my lack of strength
All my friends got friends
While all I have is them

So, how do I cope?
How do I reject jealousy when it wants to comfort me?
When it assures me that alliance benefits me?
When it asks me not to resist?
When it’s presence is so enticing, I can feel it’s breath down my neck, intriguing me more than scaring me
How do I cope?
When they get to experience life outside of our ensemble
Get to see corners my sight won’t reach
Because those experiences are unique to their memories
Memories I wasn’t invited or welcomed into
Memories that didn’t make sense for me to inherit
How do I cope?
When anger sneaks into my morning coffee
The heat burning my tongue and leaving me with a lingering bitterness
Stealing my voice and replacing it with its own to yell that only I can provide happiness
For so long, I’ve tried looking for different things from different people
Distributing parts of my trust to different pieces of the puzzles
So that their whole could make me but their individuality couldn’t break me
But what happens if I stopped at two?
What happens if only two pieces to the puzzle held that much power between them?
And why is it that bringing the two pieces of puzzle together left me so lonely?

you are your life's quest. the purpose of your life is to figure yourself out. you can spend ages thinking you know yourself but life will put you through situations to let you know you don't. discovering yourself is your mission.

love is not just letting go of the memories, the laughs and the past. it's letting go of the present moment and its comfort. it's also letting go of the future and its potential to becoming tangible.

I was craving how love could feel,
how intimacy could heal
I tried dating
but ended up wishing
I'd stick with the reoccurring dreams
and their appeal
with their kisses trailing down my thighs,
kissing me goodnight
People started worrying, told me they were praying
People told me to 'let God lead me to him',
to that special person I'd share my life with
'Let God choose him'
Because I seem to lack of good judgment
And soon enough, I fell in love
Jumped, never knowing when I'd hit the ground
God lead me to you and I was found
But now, he might feel inclined to take you back
Like depriving sleep from an insomniac
Because, I fell in love with the God I see in you
and I don't know which one I am supposed to listen to

wouldn't you want to live every day with substance? or is the only substance you know the one you abuse?

Jigsaw,
Jigsaw,
All that there ever was
Was a stone cold face with a puzzled heart.

You said you saw beauty in the things that died
To the objects that chose the afterlife
Like the flowers you forgot to water
As their soft petals swayed their way on the floor first
Then,
They danced their way under the rug, because you swept to check off that chore
And right then and there, in your laziness, I found humour
But I should've left, I should've ran
Knowing that I would soon bring comfort
To those petals of the lonesome flowers
Because it was with those very flowers that you swept me off my feet But it was with those very flowers that you swept me under the rug, gently

you were the best thing that could have happened to me in the most horrible ways and,
the end of us was fruitful in lessons,
showing me that my vulnerability should manifest itself in moments of weakness and strength.
Losing you was the biggest gain and I thank your apathy for it all.
I wish you the best, it's true
and I hope you find comfort with the troubles that shake you to your core.

You’re either here or you're out
Don’t go back in forth into my life
You can’t care
Here and there
Just to ease your peace of mind

I am embracing
The past and its memories
And the future and it’s many possibilities
The disbelief of this dream
That happiness is only when you’re with me
That happiness loses sense as you leave
And I’ve come to understand the power enabled in me
As I realize that happiness will find me
Even without you here

home
noun  \ ˈhōm \

Definition of ‘home’
a: one's place of residence
b: a familiar or usual setting: congenial environment; also: the focus of one's domestic attention

• home is where the heart is

Home is a word loaded with meaning, with feeling. The word itself vanishes so quickly into thin air, you’d think it wasn’t even spoken.

Home: a sound of a peaceful hum, of tranquility and peace.

Home is where the heart is,

where the chaos settles, where the stress shouldn’t dare come in. Often, we build ourselves in occupied fields. We plant our walls, furnish our space and sigh joyfully as we sit comfortably thinking home is where another person lives. Our growth becomes dependent of theirs and stops soaring with the limit of their confined being. The space in which their body expands becomes our sky, our limit. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the way that person gets ahead in life, we think their way is the only way and we start to follow. Their words, their mannerisms, their points of view and their habits become our points of reference on how to operate and we lose sight of our individuality. We lose sight of our being.

Home: a soothing sound trapped in a controlled and now, rigid mind. A sound that forgot how to stand tall and leans onto someone to vibrate, to sing.

Have you ever thought about home being yourself? Have you ever thought of living, growing and experiencing things for your own sake? Heal the wounds you’ve looked for people to heal, take care of the seeds you’ve planted in your own garden so that the grass gets greener on your side. Make a home out of yourself, bring back that peaceful hum.

I thought you cared
I thought you wanted me to explain
I thought you cared
But I am no longer worth the same
Your actions have spoken
Priorities have changed
Not a **** question
You laughed in my face
Ignored the whole issue
You sent meaningless phrases
And I'm left thinking
Was this all one sided?

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
Because you seem happier when I’m not around

Insecurities builds an excess of possessiveness
I feel like my absence equates to a worthless self
And so, my grasp loosens
And we dissipate into thin air

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
Because you’re able to open up and I am not

It’s my fault, I know
I put all my eggs in one basket
And I made you responsable
Because you’re the one holding the nest
But I couldn’t give you much so you went elsewhere, that’s fair
But you developed bonds at such a rate
And I feel threatened

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
Because you’re able to say ‘I love you’ to strangers and I’m not

This dichotomy is quite challenging
Because I’m in a state where I want to see you grow
And for your own sake, that could mean that you need to go
I feel like my presence emphasizes the distance
And that the concept of us was merely quixotic

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
And I fear I’ve missed out too much for us to come back

It hurts
Not because of the void of today
Not because I no longer get to call your name
But because you know how much of a procrastinator I am
You know, I'm disorganized,
I never plan
My vision has always been vacant

But you want to know why it hurts?
Why my ego and my pride took such a hit, the wounds still burn?
It's because I envisioned a future
I saw you and I, together
I started planning, I created a calendar
Just so our lives could fit better

So, yeah, it doesn't hurt because of the present
Or because of what happened then
It hurts because letting you go meant letting go of our future
Of the only source of certainty in my calendar

I don't know who I am when I'm with you
But ****,
It feels so good to be that person for a day or two

I thought I knew you
But you were just aloof
They said: he's lone wolf, lone wolf
But I say: he's more like lion, look at the proof
Sneaking, reaching for what he desires
Him and mercy have never met in person

What do you regret?
What would you want to reset?*

"To the day we met,
Not* to get to meet you again,
But to make our paths parallel."

The traits you once considered d e l i c a t  e
Are now traits I should e r a d i c a t e
As you r u i n e d aspects of myself I didn't even know existed
As you brought to the surface
A yearning d e p e n d e n c e
As our soul intertwined,
As your path met with m i n e
I got caught up in the midst
Of the combination of our substance
And in the midst of it a l l ,
I l o s t a sense of myself.