Once filled with joy, hope and
Enormous energy
I am suddenly
Empty balloons scattered about
One my heart
One my womb
My ***** have deflated
My soul has gone flat
I am empty

Poem: Empty where you lay

Two decades and one year
Ruptured by my heart

I watch
immobilised
as my frontal lobe detaches and slips out under my door
Too afraid of my agony
Of my actions performed in the darkness
It abandons me
Protecting the parts left attached
of the constant-

-What would you look like now?
Sound like now?
Would you be happy?
Lonely?
At peace with yourself?

Would you possess the heart of a warrior?
Or a peace maker?
Soul of angel?
Or just the mind of a poet?
                     ...............................
I apprehend your second chance of this life
It cracks my spine and spits out splintered regrets
The perfect parents you'll be given
Survival of the fittest
I pull at my lips to form a smile
Because I love you-
Because I know this is a better path for you

I gouge out my eyes
And push them inside my heart

Every space you occupied
Each song you sang
Every performance
I am there in another land
I've memorised every word
Felt every beat

On the pitch at football
Playing with friends
Twisted limbs
Tears hidden beneath my feet
Your first love
First broken heart
I feel them all.....

I fabricate your sadness
As I scream into the cave of my mind
I wretch and choke out for Aphrodite

But she is elsewhere, having cocktails with her Goddess companion, Isis,
in celebration of their latest triumphs
For those hand picked to fulfill their hearts desires
Who live without empty echos
And chaotic minds
Those with a stillness, percolated deep
Carrying auras of golden warmth
Mistaken by the humming bird as nature's
Glowing nectar

I fear those women more than anything in this-
my life
I run
So my jealousy remains caged
                     ............................
I find my frontal lobe at the bottom of a bottle
Sedated in sediment
My local pub say they'd go under without my custom
A weird, turbulent, symbiotic relationship
Gnawing into my desperation

If I were a Disney character
the film by now
nearing it's final scenes
There would be some joyful moral to my sadness
I'd be rescued from myself and live
happily ever after
No voids
No aches
No emptiness

But my scenes are a deadly, grave reality
My cheeks soaked with a desperation
To know
To feel
To love
The fight was lost before gender picked you
Not a fingernail nor strand of hair
for me to swallow
Nothing of you resides within me
Just an unknown
Silent wailing

Self punishment mocks my fragile mind
As it wills me to imagine your scent
Eyes burnt shut
Your shadow runs past freely
Faint laughter falls and stings my lobes
It belongs to you
I know it is you

Knees cracked
Praying for a God, any God
Stitch the fragments of my brain
Begging Aphrodite or her peers for a second chance
Any mythology will do
Desperation knows no limits

BUT NOTHING......................................

Just painful silence of empty echos
My womb forever
................................Empty where you lay.

I bet your eyes glitter like the ocean floor during sunsets
His eyes were like pink skies.
You might smile and laugh in a way that would bring life to the room full of sad hearts,
He was the life of every party
and to mine.

I'm sorry if I didn't get the chance to show you how he makes coffee at four in the afternoon, listening to songs of screaming pain and longing.
I'm sorry if you didn't get to hear how he sings his heart out and teaches me how to make barbeque in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry if you haven't got the chance to smell our favorite shirt, I was planning to keep it unwashed until you're here,
so in a way, you know what his hugs smell like.
I'm sorry if you didn't even see the same moon we loved.

You held on so tightly and I know it was hard, it was for me, too.

But I know, you lay in the bed of clouds softer than the cheap mattress I got from the department store.

In the next life we have, I'm pretty sure I'll hug you so tight that we'll never be apart anymore, my baby.
Now, you rest easy and wait for mommy.

**we  might not meet in this lifetime, but surely, I'll never let you go the next time I get to meet you, again.

Pieces of a woman
Gloom, glee, distance and intimacy
Attitude, gratitude, strength and vulnerability
Heartbreaks, Happiness, Longingness and poetry
Calmness, boldness and a bad *** stree.

Pieces of a woman
Stretch Marks, cellulite, miscarriages and then bossy
Shallow, Intense, blur and then some glossy
Cute, cheerful, lazy, sane and naughty
Benevolent, bizarre, shy and much hotty

Pieces of a woman
Family, friends, kin, acquaintances
Risk, safe and then out of the world chances
Society, sub-urb,rural and them glances
Some music, some writing, some shying and couple dances

Pieces of a woman
Marriage, adoption, career and grace
Clarity,focus,concentration and haze
Red,green, black, purple and beige
Independence, freedom, self-doubt and cage

All this and endless…..
And then some and then some
Nothing can totally define
The ultimate human
The beautiful, the wonderful
Pieces of a woman.

I suppose I should be happy,
My God gave me a blessing by taking away my blessing,
The blessing I was so confused about.
My dear, my precious Firdous.

I suppose I must be happy,
Every inch of my brain is telling me to be happy,
But why is there a ringing in my ears;
And so much weight on my chest,
It's so **** aggravating.

I suppose I could be happy, except that I;
I demand silence,
I demand peace,
I demand anything but to feel like this-
Worthless, insignificant, trash.

I suppose I am happy,
To be the puppet of a universe filled with
So much standard anomalies...
That the universe did not curse me to ****** my own kin...
that I didn't curse my precious with a life...

Oh the little things we tell ourselves to make it easier to live for another day,
Oh but I suppose, I suppose its necessary.
It's **** necessary.

Goodbye my precious. ♡

-fir.m

I try not to cry and tear up about it,
It's not that easy,
I keep my emotions hidden away,
Nobody can begin to understand my pain,
You think you know but you don't know,
I will never trust in you,
My trust for you has faded.

The best thing you could've gave me is gone,
Felt like it was taken from me,
There's a bigger purpose,
God has a reasoning for everything he does,
I'm starting to realize the reasoning,
It wasn't meant for you to be born yet,
This wasn't the right setting,
No matter what you were still a blessing.

I will always remember the small we had,
It will never be forgotten,
The time we had was small but precious,
It was a beautiful  we shared,
I carry you with each and everyday,
Tear up every time i think of you.

I wish you never left me,
You meant so much to me,
You were a blessing and a gift,
That moment we shared can never be replaced,
I can see you in up there,
You will always be a part of me.

When my angel died and went to heaven,
A piece of me died,
If i ever lose my mama I'll be gone for good,
My mama is my heart,
My angel was my better half,
A child is all i have ever wanted,
She can never be replaced,
Even when i have a child one day,
She can never be replaced,
She's irreplaceable.

My baby girl brought me joy,
Baby girl gave me peace,
Baby girl was a gift from heaven,
She was so beautiful and precious,
Each moment was so precious,
God blessed us with a blessing.

I still carry her in my heart,
I can't forget about her and never will,
Baby girl you will forever be remembered,
Was her for a short amount of time,
But in that small time it was beautiful,
I miss you my baby.

Excitement pumped throughout my palms.
Sitting on the table,
I waited for a sign from you.
Hope lingered,
if only I would have known.

There was so much to look forward to
in this little room.
So many dreams to be had
by this small existence.
Only time would tell.

We held our breath
to hear our future.
Tears and anger followed.
There was no sign.
No sound.
No beat.
No life.

I’ll never forget the defeat
the denial
the devastation
the death.
You had barely just begun.
Now you will never be.

I felt it was my fault.
I could have done better.
I could have dreamed bigger.
I could have wished harder.
I could have…
done nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

I think about you often.
What would you look like?
What would you become?
Do you think of me too?
I’d like to think we’d be friends,
past the titles we were originally given,
but it will never be.

You left me that day.
It wasn’t your fault,
but I weep every year.
Understanding has never come.
My heart holds you still,
my joy.