Remember that summer
when it was dry and heavy
but in the evening
the breeze would gently
sway the smoke
of your cigarette in my hand
when you were trying
to teach me how not to choke

And I remember coughing
and laughing it off with you,
how smoke had always
been around me
but my lungs were funny
'bout this direct approach

And we talked 'bout everything
from heartbreak, to lovers, to family
And I truly felt wonder
at the simplicity of those moments
and how much they meant to me

So much I look back to them now
when it's winter and I'm alone
missing your warmth, your voice
and itching for a smoke

I saw you in a dream
unexpected but nonchalant
as you always are,
your skin touched mine
and sunlight covered us both.
It felt like summer,
like time had stopped
and never progressed
to the moment you let go
of whatever was left of love
and affection and reverence.
I awake to chilly night air,
no sun nor arms to warm me
I check my phone, it's two a.m.
It's cold.

Of all the anger
and hurt and pain
I am left with
Nothing but a mere memory
Nothing but two bare bodies
lost deep in understanding
each other's pieces
and muffled laughter and
glee kept hidden
as to not overthink
each carress
and fond eyes looking back
and trembling hands
touching so soft
barely there

Stranger in the night
come on, i will bite
now, what is on your mind
as our destinies intertwined
caused us both
to need someone to confide
the worst thought on our minds
tonight

At almost 2 a.m time
we both need to remind
ourselves of the imperfection
of humankind
and I really wouldn't mind
a hand to be kind
and a shared glass of wine
to blurt out
all those slimy thoughts
that won't leave

And for less than that
I would listen and chat
acceting your words spat
out to relieve the constant combat
going on in your head

So, drink up with
you stranger in the night
and if the wine doesn't help
I think talking just might

I always saw change
holding hands with pain
I thought it was scary
and crushing
and hurtful

I thought to myself
"then just let me be
let me cuddle my demons in the darkness
let them take a hold
let them make my choices
let them keep me
in their hands
ready to disappear
no trace left behind"

Let me be abused by darkness
Let it change my thoughts
to keep me chained
to the same ones
that say I'm not good enough
and it would be easier
to just force myself awake
by bleeding out
or falling off
or shutting down

But change doesn't
mean pain in itself
It means rebirth
It means experience
It means growth
It means becoming
who you actually already are
without painful thoughts
like phantoms haunting
your days and mind
and ways of acting
and not taking care of your own self

It means learning
the value of the life
you hold in your hands
and the potential
you hold in yourself

Change doesn't mean pain
Change means light

How do we clash
so harsh
and yet sparse
but it lasts
anger blush
as we laugh

burning is
that world
that we were once
dreaming of

Spring opens up
something more
than the sunlight
through my heavy curtains
It creates new life
where there used to be ash

And that's what we do
getting rid of the old
to welcome the new

And we make do,
with every intake of breath
just for our lungs to have felt
more than rusty and dusty
old anxieties and panic and hurt
and to feel the new air
we grant ourselves

Because life doesn't end in winter
'cause humans persist
against the cold sharp glass of pain
just to see with their eyes
all the goodness and the warmth
and the happiness and the people
that we love and embrace with our souls
reconnecting and recognizing
ourselves in them

a daunting friend
you have been
but as you get up and leave
all I really feel is thankful glee