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Powerless

I finally get up, i leave you behind
Now i'm free

Senseless

I cry of joy as mom holds me in her arms
Now i feel

Empty

I paint 'til i can't feel my hands anymore and my cheeks hurt
a sweet ache caused by my smile
Now i create

Ugly

I look in the mirror
I don't see a stranger
Now i am

But not really
I'm not
Not now
Practice makes progress, i guess
I miss you
looking so soft
with your oversized jacket
and your glasses
almost falling off your nose
your hair covering half your face
and your hands hidden in big pockets
and you smiling
because of something funny I did
while your eyes keep that sleepy look
and this memory of you
feels just as soft
Does anyone know how to hug a memory?
An artist in name fact and form
I keep on creating a reality that's torn
from the Truth and its Lies
that forced me still to stay blind
with no passion nor time
to mind the withering eyes
in my portraits
But artist I stay
even when my brushes lay
on a white cold place
and my muse has died
through the shapes that she tried
to take on and survive
so she walked out the door
and the colours are no more
with my hands painting still
the lonely emptiness of my core
stillhuman Apr 7
Of all the anger
and hurt and pain
I am left with
Nothing but a mere memory
Nothing but two bare bodies
lost deep in understanding
each other's pieces
and muffled laughter and
glee kept hidden
as to not overthink
each carress
and fond eyes looking back
and trembling hands
touching so soft
barely there
All I remember is your tenderness
stillhuman Apr 1
When I saw
the look on your face
talking about the past
the hurt, the last humiliation
your anger and disgust
suppressed by layers
of years and self-aggretion
I felt it in me
the absolute, disconcerting need
to keep you
in my arms
to keep you
safe
to keep you
warm and kind
Because I can't stop picturing
the look on your face
when I keep you
embraced
I hope you saw mine too
stillhuman Mar 27
I always saw change
holding hands with pain
I thought it was scary
and crushing
and hurtful

I thought to myself
"then just let me be
let me cuddle my demons in the darkness
let them take a hold
let them make my choices
let them keep me
in their hands
ready to disappear
no trace left behind"

Let me be abused by darkness
Let it change my thoughts
to keep me chained
to the same ones
that say I'm not good enough
and it would be easier
to just force myself awake
by bleeding out
or falling off
or shutting down

But change doesn't
mean pain in itself
It means rebirth
It means experience
It means growth
It means becoming
who you actually already are
without painful thoughts
like phantoms haunting
your days and mind
and ways of acting
and not taking care of your own self

It means learning
the value of the life
you hold in your hands
and the potential
you hold in yourself

Change doesn't mean pain
Change means light
Inspired by my latest meditation mantra.
stillhuman Mar 24
I got mad at you
for not remembering my birthday
though your head was full of thoughts
of bills and bitter family issues
and I knew

Half-way through
I realised I wasn't angry
and I stopped talking
because I wasn't mad at you
I was mad at myself
Jealousy was tearing my mind to pieces
and was yelling at me "He never forgets her"
"Guess you aren't that important"
"Finally, you notice how little time
you spend on his mind"
And I got silent
even though I knew
you would worry that I was mad
and i knew

Today you brought me pastries
and made me blow out candles
made me feel loved
happy
not so much alone
But then again
I knew
how you care
how you love
how you're there
even when you aren't

And I knew then
and I know now
that I am happy
just being your friend
'Cause I've never loved someone as much as I love you
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