lustful and untrustful
screaming matches and rebuttals
worn out muscles and tear puddles
but what did we win, cards caving in
whichever way you try to spin, swan song on the violin
whichever play you do, your eyes get under my skin
I can see the hurt, the guilt, the shame
I tried to heal, build, and begin
again and again, return to my zen listening to Gwen
escape to my four white walls and write songs
each melody washes away the pain of yesterday
each harmony bringing back the colour to the gray
lifeless self I let my body become
dancing to the beat of my own drum

cultural burnout, the hurt bubbling up
cannot put a lid on it any longer
the feelings keep getting stronger
my muscles ache, my brain is dazed
cultural burnout, the days slip away
the workweek is all I know
I barely ever leave my home
no escape, no break
inside the cage, this lake

unravel, untied, our love my love has died
it was yours then mine, but now it rests in pockets of time
pockets of sunshine, rack my memories to re-find
recollect your light, re-experience your mind
maybe if I hold on to it tight enough, the frequency i’ll be riding on
will re-attract you back, to re-tether our hands together again
maybe that's too idealistic, maybe that's against the laws of physics
maybe I am just as stupid as this dream is
maybe I am broken for a reason
I don't know, I just thought it was special
the most saturated jewel tones
I don't know, I just thought it was something
the most beautiful to the most unknown

it is hard for the truth to come out of my sealed lips
played the victim and I take my role seriously
we were just on the same water, passing ships
the sun and the moon meeting in an eclipse
only for a moment but the moment was potent
wishing for more moments like this
rips and rips until I finish my zip
hours and hours until I finish my shift
you are the one thing my mind cannot slip
the one man that drives me to drink
so I don't think, just a couple of sips
now I am covered in my sadness as the sunlight peeks through
such a naive little boy, never knowing what to do
what to do

i let it all wash away
everything lives in the gray
my body is mine but my time is yours
you can kiss my body while on all fours
sorry to make you think i would
sorry i didn't think i could
get inside you, underneath your skin
confined in the priest all my fresh sins
did not even need any liquor
did not even need the devil

our love bloomed
the wind drifted us apart
was this my story from the start
the man who saved me from the well
the only man who ever helped
set me free, unearthed me
but my freedom is riddled with flashbacks
of my hands gripping your back
my perpetual prince, your absence weighs heavy
my perpetual prince, keep me second guessing

smoking like a chimney
exterminating the negativity within me
each **** relaxes my worrisome bones
each stroke relaxes the perpetual unknown
from this vice to that
from peace to combat
the contrasting colors within me
is why I'll smoke like a chimney
until cheap thrills **** me

wander while I ponder
wonder when I'm farther
out sea, just me, pisces
underwater, wonder if I can feel thunder
running from each other
wonder who can go farther
light green, I am a rusty lover
underneath, wonder if I can get better

put it on me like a curse
be a good man, my first
tend to my needs like a nurse
my tears are aquamarine
my heart is rose gold
my eyes are jade stones
don't think that I don't know
how the lotus unfolds

leave room for progress
planning out my dreams laying on your chest
life is so sweet, so perfect
life is so good, am i deserving?
ive been hurt before, ive wished for more
but right now i am content
i am no longer drowning in my head
no longer wishing on candles for your hand
to intermingle with mine, to rewind the times
to when you got me high
once upon a life, prince and knight
oh our love story
was clearer than blue skies

its been 2 years, I grew so much but I still carry the same fears
the fears that you kissed, your hand I still miss
I always have the memories but even those start to slip
it's all the ****, it's all the daydreams
my days start to bleed, I need a trip
I need to escape, I need a bridge to get across these violent waters
my emotions are stronger the longer they harbour
I return to that day in your car where the rain fell so hard
could barely hear rain on me on the radio
I think of you no matter where I go
I see you with your boo in Turks and Caicos
I see you living it up and not day goes
by where you don't
cross my mind, got myself in so much trouble in the pursuit to find
someone that shares your light, someone that takes their time, someone who is actually worth my time
you just wished me a happy birthday and I wish the convo never ended
I feel without you I am suspended
not able to move, not able to do anything but cry
as I watch the only good man I’ve ever met thrive
I wish I could say you were ****, I wish you hurt me harder
maybe then I wouldn’t be stuck like this, loved me better than my father
maybe I was just a pitstop til you found your forever
maybe I was destined to find better
but on these cold march nights, it's hard to keep that in mind
but on these cold march nights, I just want you in my sight
drown in your light, love you as you deserve
maybe that's what it boils down to
never met someone who
was worthy of my love, worthy of my touch

twilight, dusk and dawn
unfollow, report, and block
my emotions inconsistent like waves
my memories blackened of our dates
riding around in your car, pounding heart
driving out too far, lost our spark
twilight, dusk and dawn
our connection was not for long

gave you a mile
but you wouldn’t even take an inch
tried to be sweeter
just a pinch
tried to be a holiday
to the grinch
i tried to love someone tactless
i cried too much for a fake prince

lizard on warm rocks
an artist in their paint-speckled smock
the wind carrying fallen flowers
jade eyes meet brown
chastity belt unbound
hours upon hours
spent in between the sheets
delicate, delectable, free

can’t stop the waves
wane until they dissipate
caressing your bleach blonde waves
crave until it dissipates
everything is impermanent, imperfect
until you came into emergence, unearthing
roots that travelled deep towards the centre
i did not think i could ever have a happily ever after
but your potency feeds my possibilities
your royalty fuels my bejewelled dreams
there is no competition, no adversity

you attract more flies with honey
like moths, to a flame, you bug me
ready for hot humid summer days
ready to have my picnics by the lake
my family I have crafted, my kin in essence
my family I have drafted, my purest expression
truest of true, brightest of blues,
chatter filled dinners, loved filled rooms
I prayed for times like this, the flowers in bloom

happy holidays, fresh white snow
eggnog ***** and fuzzy robes
red nose reindeer and frost-bitten toes
jingle bells and warm throws
happy holidays, hot black coal
SZA's SOS album and ctrl
apple pies and chip-filled bowls
cinnamon candles and a hearty soul

I was used to the abuse, used to the towers
I was used to being used, used to your power
it makes me sad looking back, I was in the present accepting presents
while you were hiding in the black, keeping secrets, turning your back
on me and everything I offered, I thought you were better than you were
guess it's my first mistake to think you wouldn’t put me up at the stake
watch my ivory skin be engulfed in flames
watch your baby burn away
if it means that you can survive by the skin of your teeth
tried to run and run with my tired feet
tried to undo all you have done to me
tried to keep the door open in case you came running back to me
I like broken birds, I like empty words
I like chess pieces, I like idealistic worlds
you fit my trauma like a glove, manipulation to get my love
but you had another, arguably better
older, more secure, not a country over
but in turn, you made me feel insecure
a tragic mess continuing to dismantle
unravel like ribbons, uncovered the truth due to visions
I received, the seeds I reaped
protection is given to me by deities
I am not one for fighting but refuse to wave the white flag
you shot me and now I must burn down your creations in a red flash
every web of lies, web of secrets
I set ablaze and sit back like the grim reaper

lavender, lilac, and strawberry
I taste energy like yours rarely
make my cheeks redder than cherry
you have an essence, it is a blessing
you taught me lessons, such a blessing
I thought I was unlovable you showed me the contrary
make me sing like the giddy canary
was too used to solitary
read my feelings like a library

goon in love
too soon to trust
that's my inner dialogue, just a fire moving along
gazing above
wondering what watches over me as I repeat the mistakes set out forth for me
generational trauma, nature works in cycles
generational drama, focus on plastic idols
daydreams in the white room
unfaithful to the divine fruit

I hate u
at least I think I do
memories of your flaws I say goodbye to
our relationship was a war, filled with love bombing, high walls, and gore
our relationship was a chore, never effortless always depressing when
I remember your rejection better than anything
when you dropped my hand, the way you shifted sands
around different people, I really believed you
but our love met the grim reaper
you kept yourself like a secret and I was a thrill-seeker
you were scared, I was fearless
I held you dear, you were tearless
so I hate u
at least I think I do
memories of your flaws I am haunted by
memories of all the times, I wished for, I deserved more
I outpoured just to no remorse
you were always ready to drop me to protect you
you were always ready to knock me to suggest you
were little Mr. Perfect and that this was worth it
but you weren't worth these hands, these tears, my heart
you weren't worth it from the ending, middle, or start
it is reflected in my art
that I hate u

I feel the crack of the dead leaves underneath my feet
reminding me I stay wondering around this dead place
once upon a time this was an oasis, once upon a time it was colourful
now it is all dead, storms more violent than the ones in my head
I guess I feel comfortable here, I imagine there's nothing to fear
make friends with the bloodthirsty, prove to myself I am unworthy
of anything better than this bitter taste
deserve anything better than this polluted waste
I swim in the chaos, I dive into the unhealthy
goodness is too overwhelming

I feel stupid I feel dumb
I won but what
did I really win, you are so childish
had to cut the strings, can no longer cradle it
you are a baby, so immature
you are such an actor, improve king
scratch that you are such a clown
a king would have a crown
but you cannot face what you were born to be
rather keep yourself like an oath, just to not rock the boat
but I cannot be your baby only in the moonlight
in daylight, you are scared to touch me
it rubs me the wrong way, you love me the wrong way
I pictured us as more but you pictured me as decor
a vessel for your fantasy, a trophy nothing more
then you block me on everything because I won’t allow you to keep vanishing
encore encore, but you are still so unsure
fix yourself, please
maturing can be a breeze
when you take accountability

many moons ago, i wished for growth
my own wishes have been granted
heart filled rivers no longer suspended
thought processes have ascended
became my recommended
became my #1 investment
many moons ago, i held you close
my dread is now all my own
haunted by images, pursuing solo
independent rivers
follow the erratic flow

3 years deep at least
hiding from yourself more than me
honesty is healing, your honestly killing me
why would you
say that, i need payback
say that, when you knew that
it was lies, projecting all the time
i let your into my house, into my life

kick rocks, use my pedals to find peace
pluck them petals and repeat
my routine engraved, my days are grey
my actions are too discreet
i crave the sunlight but worry of burns
i summon the rain but fear for the worst
floods, hurricanes, eternal monsoon
drought, famine, no more breaking news

2 times 2 is four, as my life path
always wonder if I am on the right path
wish I could calculate my path, extract the unknown
prove it with words and numbers, not just inner knowing and tarot cards
math is more believable to the severed body
I use other means to understand my body
holistic, artistic, there's always another way
deterministic, statistic, no place for the grey
calculate how best to waste your days

they are polluted by my delusion
they were born to ruin
my tears are acidic and my burden is heavy
my fears are basic and I feel incomplete already
it's a lot to wrap my head around, especially when my feet are not on the ground
I'd rather ride the clouds or catch a wave
who determined that life had to be so grey, day in and day out
paychecks in and I already spent it, this hole I cannot get out
my teardrops are acid and my god I cannot hold them in any longer
my emotions are stronger the longer they harbor.

saddle on the chestnut steed
do not get flustered over childhood teeth
what matters is what you see
my body stuck in rooms where i was being used
socket, to extract for their own use
i grow, i change, still maimed roots
the light not shed
however, the tears are true

split mind
dichotomy between my head and feet
running away, leave towards the sea
explore the depths, explore me
the shore is suffocating and time is draining
my ankles feel burdened carrying all this dead weight
let me float into the unknown
let me scream at the waves
let me unfold
let me be reborn again