That nameless spark
The one that starts in your diaphragm
you think it’s your breath,
but it gets stuck
But you turned away...
“Didn’t want to start something”
“Smart for you, sad for me”
...Incompatible, I rationalized
What to do now?
Did we dodge a bullet?
Would your woundedness have moved
Through me and left a mark?
Your hesitation has.
“Everyone is complicated”
You told me after you kissed my neck
Do I stay soft?
I didn’t know when you said “everyone”
you meant yourself
My heart is open and getting softer to
This unruly, textured, tender, layered existence
This isn’t new though
It’s always been a giant beating thing.
It beat for acceptance and praise and approval
As if those things were Love
As if those things sustained anything besides veneers
When my heart beat for anybody but myself
Kids, partners, parents, friends, strangers
It beat so loudly that it drowned out
The sounds of its own losses
This time and space forced me to be so
So broken open
That the only beating my heart did at first felt traitorous
Slowly, slowly when I had no reason to protect myself
No reason to deny my small self anything
Because there was nothing left to grasp for...
My heart turned to itself
The things we built were on a rickety scaffold
stretched as high and fast as our love
when we got to the top I wanted to cling to you
and look in your eyes
and tell you that I was scared.
And your eyes are gone.
The scaffold has tumbled
and the pieces are shiny
If I share with you what was going on for me,
Hope, the thing with feathers,
springs up in my chest
I know there is no room for it
despair is my alternate companion
Both are always present and vying for attention,
they both want to be fed
I am doing the work within myself to soothe the spaces
where each companion wants to land
to take space where it doesn’t fit
I cannot let hope touch down and root
So it rockets around in my fear
causing collateral physical damage
as I try to eradicate it with logic and self cruelty
I cannot let despair sink into my soul
So it is ever present in the air around me,
condensing with thoughts that drip
from the ceiling and leave stalactites,
sharp and threatening to fall and pierce
I find myself flooded, panting like I’m in labor
Birthing the tears and blood and anguish of loss
Trying to find air that doesn’t feel like it’s suffocating
Every breath feels like I’ve missed a step
And that hitch catches in my chest
The rest between the in-breath and the out stretches on
And lifetimes long I can see the futures
we could be dancing and breathing in together
The way my heart keeps beating is traitorous,
To burn and cut and shatter with each pulse
and yet keep beating for the next one
I exhale the air leaves my body in a weak stream
and a strangled whimper
happiness cannot be seen
through rose-tinted glasses
or with the naked eye
but mine sleeps next to me
and mine stays close to me
and their heartbeat beats in time
Dec 9, 2018, 3:29PM
inspired by a comic I was reading; I don’t remember which
You find patterns
and I am just beginning to notice this about you.
You watch documentaries,
and tell me all about them.
One was about
a nanny turned photographer
I like your summaries
better than the stories themselves.
Someday, you, too
will take great photographs
and the world will know your name
before you're deceased.
I'm sure of it.
We walked through a field of glowing grass,
and you tried to touch each blade.
It began to rain,
I wiped a stray droplet onto your nose
and kissed your eyelids.
You laughed at me,
tried to annoy me,
hold my hand in different ways,
off the sidewalk-
I stepped in dog ****
but you insisted
it was human...
I listened to you spin your story
and was reminded of how lovely
it is to peer inside your mind-
My glasses broke tonight
and yet I haven't seen this clearly
in what feels like forever.
I'll tell you "let's do this,"
this time, without any liquor
if it means I'll prove my devotion
and this time
we have together.
I don't care what you call me,
or who knows I exist,
as long as you keep kissing me
with as much electricity
as I felt when I first met you.
I can't get enough
You are becoming the air I breathe
The water I drink
The food I eat
But you'll be gone soon
Die of thirst
A love poem. My lover left tonight, not me...but for her career. And although it will be for the better, I wish she didn't have to go. What will I do without her? And it won't be for just a few days or weeks...it'll be almost 10 months before I can hold her again...oh the agony
— The End —