Our bodies were shivering.

We held each other.

Surrounded by water, out in the lake.

The thunder and rain crashed around us and I felt your lips on mine.

Our feelings for each other were so real and intense in that moment.

The memories and moments we have will be my favourite movie to watch.

I lied.

I am afraid, like for real.

The empty promises from the past are haunting me.

Destroying this.

Biting my tounge, to not question.

A constant battle in my head.

The insecurities are there to remind me.

That no one ever stayed..

Soft songs playing from inside and I think about him.

How safe I feel in his strong arms.

How his hands feel playing with my hair.

I think about that night, up high on a climbing frame.

Like in a movie he went to the other side, just to hold me and protect me.

I noticed then and there that the way he looks at me feels like home.

I wonder how we've missed each other before.

Our paths have crossed but we didn't notice each other.

Maybe I wasn't ready for someone like him?

Someone who doesn't feel like butterflies and chaos,
someone who feels like a loving home.

This is the last night.

Legs outside the window, the sun burns like always.

Cold beer in one hand, the heat from a cigarette in the other one.

Songs about old lovers playing in the background.

This is where it all started, and ended.

A feeling of sadness, to leave it all behind.

The person I was 6 years ago, all the memories, struggles and happiness.

Yet I feel excited.

I'm ready to move on, to create new memories away from here.

Ready to let go, to allow a new lover in.

A new view, new songs and new memories.

I have a good feeling about this new place and I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

With my archangel by my side I'm fulfilling my dreams.

She's whispering me towards the right direction.

I feel empowered next to her.

We have a lion's strength and courage.

I know I'll be exactly where I need to be.

I don't doubt her power for a second.

A year I never thought I'd survive has passed.

I leave behind heartache, anxiety, loneliness and bad energy.

It's all washed off.

Now I look forward to fulfilling dreams, self-love and laughter.

Last year was about surviving.

This year is about living.

Today I celebrate me.

Inside this prison walls I see so much wasted time.

So many careless mistakes.

Destroyed lives.
I see them fighting, against time.

Some have lost hope,
wanderers in the corridors.

But some are fighting, for a change.

Their strenght gives me hope.

Locked in every night, they still see a future in freedom.

They have taught me the worth of it.

And for that, I'm thankful.

I'm sitting on his shoulders, looking out at the rest of the dancing crowd.

The music puts a spell on the evening.

I breathe happiness, pure joy.

Have I ever felt this free?

My hand fits perfectly in his.

We dance our way through the crowd of happy people.

Such a magical night.

We sparkle, just like the fireworks.

The night belongs to us.

My tall stranger and I.

He tastes like tobacco and beer, just like me.

Tonight we belong together, I feel proud to have him by my side.

I'm sure I will see him again soon,
my tall stranger

The butterflies of freedom are filling me.

I want to run, with the wind in my hair.

Towards the sun.

I feel light as a feather.

I can go anywhere, and do anything.

Wherever the sun will take me.

In this summer heat, I've been drinking for days.

Drink to numb an unknown anxiety.

In a notification I saw today's date.

And I remembered, I remembered all of it..

In three days it's been a year.

A year since he took away my freedom.

Since he put his hands on my body.

Three days from now will be the mark of when something in me broke.

Something that can never be healed.

Sweat mixed with tears run down my face.

Just like that night.

I used my triggers again.
To check my feelings.

Our songs and pictures of you.
I felt nothing.

Somehow it's frustrating.
To feel nothing at all.

I never thought I'd get over you.
It seems like I did.

In a way I feel sad.
Cause you don't mean anything anymore..

I thought you'd always keep a piece of my heart.
But I've let you go completely.

That hurts too.

I'm dreading.

To pack everything,
from the place we used to call ours.

The empty boxes are staring back at me.

I can't bring myself to fill them.

I'm scanning the apartment that used to be ours..

I'm seeing our history repeating itself.

I somehow see your shadow from the kitchen,
and mine from the living room.

I hear your laughter when you mess up cooking..

And suddenly you're everywhere, and I'm paralyzed.

I can't move you into boxes, and I can't leave you.

Yet I need to leave you within this walls..

I've never felt this guilt before.

I might ruin your life.

But you've ruined mine.

You destroyed me.

Yet I feel like I'm the one to blame.

It's your sins, yet they feel like mine.

You always put them on me.

But this time you're gonna pay for them.

So why am I the one carrying the heavy weight?

I loved someone who saw my qualities as flaws.

I trusted someone who spoke lies fluently.

I literally crossed oceans for someone who'd never jump a puddle for me.

I cared for someone who, with a cold face watched me cry.

I was held by someone who didn't really care.

I have sent a hundred texts to someone who ignored me for days.

I was with someone who expected the best but gave the worst.

I have said "I love you" to someone who didn't answer.

I loved someone with all my heart knowing he was breaking me.

But I will never stop loving.

Someday, someone else will see my flaws as qualities.

The seat next to mine is empty.

No one is singing the songs back to me.

No one is interrupting my calculated playlist with bad old songs.

The comments on my driving that used to bother me,
I now miss.

There are no shoe marks on the dashboard,
no trace of adventure.

The over excitement about the view that used to make me roll my eyes isn't there.

I miss these silly things that I took for granted.

Seatbelt on.

The world is in front of me.

With the windows down I feel the brief summer air.

The roads are clear.

I turn up my favourite song and I sing.

I sing it until my throat gets sore.

Road and sunset, that's all I see.

I love every minute of it.

So free.

Along with the sun I drive, destination unknown.

Just to be, just to feel the life in me.

If this isn't freedom, what is?

I'm working on getting over you, I swear.

It's just hard letting go of that connection.

Hoping that it can can be found with someone else.

If it can't , I will always have a place for you in my heart.

I don't want that though..

It hurts too much.

Just know that I'm trying.

I swear.

My desperate cries led you to ignore me.

You heard me, but chose not to listen.

You left me stuck and confused with the pain from your empty words..

The words of a fragile love song.

I'm left with sadness, caused by your true words.

Don't wait for me, you said.

I guess a fool never learns.

Are you there?

Do you feel better off without me?
If you could see me you'd know I'm not..

I wonder if maybe you miss me but your pride is stopping you?
If that's the case I forgive you.

I want you here with me..

I miss your lips on mine, I miss your smell.
Your contagious laugh.

Please call me to say it was just a nightmare,
can you do that for me?

Can you hear me calling for you at night?

Calling your name through the tears.

Can you hear me asking why?

How could you promise me the world, to just wake up and dump me?

Can you hear me?

In the silence I have my answer.

I've tried to drink you away.

It only made me miss you more..

I've tried to smoke you away.

It only made my lungs burn along with my heart.

No drugs can make me forget you.

The hope for the day you'd change your mind is fading..

Days of silence go by.

You will never be mine, will you?

"Trust your gut they say".

I felt it coming but I chose to ignore it.

Yet here I am.

Left alone, shaken from what just happened.

Dumped.

Breathless, in shock.

Longing for his arms that I won't feel around me anymore.

His shirt, folded on my couch.

His scent is gone.

A sign of this story's end.

My heart is pounding.

Tears running down my cheeks.

With shaky legs I go outside, to look at the stars.

To ask them, why?

His silence is consuming me.

Am I supposed to read between the lines?

I don't understand what they say.

Should I stay?

Does he want me to leave?

Do I fight?

Or should I wave the flag and just go?

Do I jump over the mines?

Or should I surrender?

She is growing, but not the way you might think.

The face in the mirror looks different.

Peaceful.

Her smile is no longer forced, it has become a natural part of her.

Her laugh echoes with pure joy.

Spreading.

Her voice is calm and humble.

Soothing to others.

Her steps are light, like she's dancing down the streets.

Freedom.

She's standing tall, yet relaxed.

Protective.

Her whole body radiates safety and love.

Caring.

This is her growing.

I don't even see you anymore, I mean I do, but I don't.

I only have eyes for him now.

Your brown eyes have lost their power to me.

They no longer make my legs weak, they make them heavier.

I saw you last night, and I froze with fear.

But I have him, he is my safe place.

When he holds my hand while walking down the street I feel indestructable.

I glaze over my shoulder, and I see that you don't even fit in his shadow.

I feel your gaze burning.

And I can't stop smiling towards the sun.

He sleeps so peacefully.

With my head on his chest I listen  to his heart beat.

My fingers running through his soft hair.

He seems so innocent and vulnerable.

I get so overwhelmed by emotions I can barely breathe.

This is what falling hard feels like.

We were in our own world yet surrounded by others laughing and talking at the pub.

But they weren't there. We could only see each other.

His deadly combination of green eyes and a playful smile started something in me.

Laughing in each others arms led to that first kiss we both had been longing for.

It was magic and chemistry, it was butterflies and freedom.

Even now, a hundred kisses later it isn't enough.

It'll never be enough.

It feels like I've found the missing piece in my life.

Like the one I've been searching for is found.

In his shirt that smells like him I watch the sky.

I daydream about how this love story will play out.

Knowing that he's falling too, I'm sure it will be beautiful.

The journey to freedom has been so long.

I thank the figher in me for digging me out of the hole that tried to swollow me.

To be honest I thought I'd be dead by summer.

But here I am.

Standing tall, still covered in mud.

Letting go of my love is horrifying.

The pain is so deeply rooted.

But it's time to break free.

I choose to jump of that cliff of sorrow, not knowing what's down there.

I think I'm finally letting you go.

Letting go of the inner conflict.

Knowing that a simple "Hey" will cause a fight.

You're here, but I have to shut you out.

To save myself.

To leave room for a new love.

I've told myself that it's you, but it'll never be.

I'm starting to accept that you're just a memory now.

What we had is gone.

No matter how I try to fight for you, it doesn't matter.

You no longer exist.

I'm holding on and letting go.

I wish I could fast forward time.

To where I wake up with the love of my life.

Nagging about who's time it is to check on the kids.

Making breakfast while dancing in the kitchen.

Running late to school cause one of our kids threw a tantrum.

Picking up pizza on a Tuesday, happy to see their excited faces.

Waiting for my man to come home, to hear about his day.

The quiet and peaceful air when our kids are asleep.

Then we can fall asleep in each others arms filled with love.

I'll have a smile on my face, knowing that I have the life I've always wanted.

Shaking on the bathroom floor.

Mascara running down my cheeks.

The smell of alcohol on my breath.

Cold sweat.

I can't move.

Paralyzed.

I am one with my anxiety.

Same words echoing in my head.

"He's back".

Death's arms trying to pull me in,
A sweet whisper of a better life.

An encouraging push,
come join us.

Oh, how I long to.
On the verge of leaving it all behind.

Do I dare to let go?

The song I used to know as ours is playing in the background.

The sun cast shadows on the floor.

In them I see our memories dancing.

Full of life and love.

I look at us and smile.

The sun disappear and so do we.

In the heartache I find comfort that we're still out there.

Still dancing happily, to the world we just can't be seen.

The first spring sun.

A sign of a new beginning.

The earth, cleansed from last year.

New hopes and dreams that follows by seeing the ground clear.

The excitement of creating new memories hearing the birds once again.

Finding new songs I know I'll dance to all summer.

Imagining the smell of a fresh tan, from a day in the sun.

The feeling of being alive, cleansed from last year.

Oh god how I wish it was you.

But my heart hurts, it's so tired.

Too stubborn to realize it's time to let it go.

To realize it was all lies and manipulation.

Too blind to accept that it was mind games.

The pain of the truth is too much.

So I still choose to live in a lie

We need each other.

The mess and I.

We're like magnets.

In the moments of silence, one of us calls.

The calm and peace kills us both.

Without chaos we wouldn't exist.

I no longer know who created who.

But I do know,

we're like yin and yang, the mess and I.

Please, please baby.

Stay where you are.

I haven't seen her this happy in a long time.

Your mother to be.

She's been fighting for months and months.

Watching that stick for minutes that don't seem to end.

Crying her eyes out when that strip doesn't appear.

I''ve seen pieces of her die as she's lost others before you.

So I beg you baby.

Stay.

Don't lose a mother like her, no one could love you more.

I beg you, fight.

And stay.

Trying to accept what isn't meant for me.

That he isn't the one.

There was a time he said he was.

I feel the sad smile on my face.

The wrinkle on my forehead, caused by him.

Even though it wasn't our fate to be

I hope he thinks of me.

When the other girls don't sing along to our songs.

When they don't laugh the way I did.

When they don't get excited about the moon and the stars.

It's selfish,
but I hope he searches for traces of me in all the girls to come.

As the rain hits my window I feel comfort in my loneliness.

Safe from the storm, I listen.

The chaos from the outside calms my own.

The sound drowns the thoughts in my head.

I close my eyes.

Is this how my inner storm would sound?

Along with the spring sun the memories of my long lost love arises.

The memory fragments are getting pieced back together.

I see him in strangers on the street,
looking for him though I know he's not here..

I know it's stupid, the person I miss no longer exists.

The harsh reality turned my dreams into nightmares.

His lies and deceptions are now haunting me in my sleep.

There's no place left for him and I to be.

Waking up, memories fresh, aching heart.

Lips longing for the bottle, like so many nights before.

Anything to drown the hope of something that'll never be.

And the pain of a time that was..

It's 6 AM. I'm a wanderer.

Walking around my empty city.

Overwriting my patterns of memories.

The past is haunting me where I go.

Erasing my old tracks with new ones.

Year after year, with new memories connected to my feet.

When I picture us together it's almost perfect.

We always have a blast, laughing together and talking about everything and nothing.

How beautiful it would be to add summer dates, roadtrips, singing in the car and kisses to that.

But that picture is cracking.

It's getting clearer that we will never be.

It hurts. My god it hurts..

You must be feeling it too, but something is holding you back.

I think about you all the time, and what we could be.

How do I bury my feelings for you when you make my heart skip beats when I hear you laugh and smile at me?

How do I let this go when everytime you look me deep in the eyes I just wanna kiss you?

Where you wishing and hoping I was gonna show up?

Are you now disappointed when the door's closed and I'm not there?

Does the gym feel cold and boring?

Like it does for me when you're not there?

Does my absence affect you at all?

Will you text me? To check up on me?

To show me that I mean something to you too..?

Are you?

Everytime my phone light up I hope that it's you.

You, showing me that my presence makes you happier.

Please buzz..

In the car somewhere between all the laughter and singing,
it happened.

Everything changed.

He went from being a face in the crowd to a one man show.

The spotlights are all on him.

From a known friend to a familiar stranger.

One who makes me so nervous I can't stand it.

I no longer see the same person, his appearance is different.

I can't pretend anymore.

It's still fun and games,
but this underlying tension..

The too long gazes, sweaty palms and shaky words.

Heart's beating out my chest by hearing his name.

Seeing him makes my legs weak.

Acting like nothing around him is a challenge.

Yet I long for the next time.

All I can think about is you with her, are you with her?
That beautiful girl you've found..

Do you kiss her the way you kissed me?
Like the world was about to end..

Is she kissing your neck, inhaling your smell?
Just like I did..

Are you touching her the way you touched me?
Like your hands would catch fire if you didn't..

Do you have that spark in your eyes once again?
The one that made me fall for you so hard..

Are you promising her the future?
Like you did with me..

Are you building a kingdom?
The one we were supposed to..

I've been shot by a hundred bullets.
I've been kicked to the ground.
Left to bleed out.

But I've been in training.

I can hear your bullets from miles away.
Kick me and I'll kick harder.
Try to knock me down and I'll knock you out.

There's nothing left to bleed.

I was forgetting you.

But no, you wouldn't let me do that this time either.

Who would you be if I forgot about your existence?

No one. You're turning desperate.

Showing up to see if you can still play me.

The answer is No.

Parasites are meant to go extinct.

Don't let the guard down, don't let the guard down.

I'm already standing too close to the fire.

I can feel the heat and yet l can't back away.

What if it's not meant to burn me?

Frozen to the ground I stand, waiting.

Hoping the flames aren't meant for me.

You saw me.

I felt so exposed in your eyes.

You laughed, I saw that cute dimple and I felt myself falling.

Deeper and deeper with every heartbeat.

Rain was pouring as we ran, drunk and happy after a night out.

We layed close, so close.

Time passed, and yet it didn't.

It was just us, falling in and out of sleep in each others arms.

I looked into your blue eyes and I knew.

This is it, this is what I want.

I want you.

I heard your voice, and i heard home.

We speak the same language, a language no one else would understand.

Raised on the same streets, in different cities.

We just look at each other and smile.

In our chaotic world we've found peace.

Knowing we are home.