it wont ever be the same again

it wont

i can see the cracks inbetween the minutes

there is no turning back to the way we were

and i miss you

i *******

miss you

before i fell in love with her, love didn’t seem real
it was a facade, it was what people were supposed to do
i had never felt anything close to what was described as love
so therefore, in my head, it wasn’t real

and now i look back and remember how absolutely stunning the feeling was
how it crawled under my skin, from the very outer layer of the skin on my fingertips to the deepest crevices of my chest
it was, all consuming
tidal
the realest thing i’d ever felt

it’s been a while since that feeling ravaged my life
and it feels so far away now

the distance there creates this separation for me

it didn’t happen
i barely remember how it felt it must not have happened
i don’t miss her anymore, was any of it real?

but when i sit with myself.
when i sit with myself and wish to feel the same as i did last spring
wish to feel an innocence i did not know i had before

i find my soul has moved slightly to the left

and though her memory no longer lingers in my mind quite as often i feel as though,
I may never feel aligned again.

i dont know what i dreamt about
i just know that it was about you
it’s always you

it’s our anniversary babe
how long has it been now?
let me count
well i think after this week it’ll be three years
three years ago
you went inside my body coursed through the blood inside me and ripped me apart
three years ago you took a thoughtful moment to pick through my organs with your greedy hands
squeezing
caressing
you wrapped one hand around my throat and the other you stuffed down it
i could feel the ice from your fingertips in my stomach
you did it so good babe
killed me so good
i cant get the feeling out of my head
even after three years
i guess your just special
kiss my lips babe feel how cold they are just like yours
your kiss hasn’t faded away yet its there
lingering on my skin
burning it off with its freezing ripping cold
i’d let you finish the job you left too early three years ago
touched me all over and then left in the morning
finish ripping apart my seams
the threads are still whole
not broken
they’ve been barely keeping me together these past three years
i haven’t flicked a knife against them for so long
but the damage is done
the threads have become thinner
all you have to do is touch me again
you’d hear them snap
one by one
your job will be done
three year anniversary and i have so much to say to you
i think of what you’ve done to me
how you’ve never left my side since that night
that night in particular though
was just special
i’ll never forget it
the scars of what you’ve done still mar my mind
the scars of what i’ve done to myself
although inspired by you
mar my skin
this year i want so badly to let you take me again
**** me again except do it better this time
take it all the way like you didn’t last time
i have no reason to live anyway
let me follow your cold burning kiss into darkness please

deep down i know you wont do it though
your grip on me has slipped you’ve lost interest
just like everyone else
you took my will to live and then cruelly gave it back
and now i’m just stuck trying to make it better
never forgetting the taste you left in my mouth
on my skin
like chocolate but bitter and poisonous

happy three year anniversary you ruined my life



i’ll never forgive you babe
you wont even kiss me again babe

goodbye until next year



love, me

flat washes of ink in blue and pink
dragged fingers across the sky
leaving fuzz and glitter in their touch
heavy colors leave me feeling light
the trees give me breath in the morning crisp light and i am mist
floating and twinkling in the air
feet touch the floor
the cool air with its hands
interlocks with my fingers

my hand wishes for yours
it reaches and it falls
empty promises that i’d wish you made
so maybe i can hope for someday
the sky wasnt made- with its pretty pastel shades
to enjoy on my own

pretend with me
take my hand like you can
walk with me like our feet can eat the miles between us
let our lungs fill with freshness
let your lips touch mine
i know you cant but
please step into this painting of a world with me
hold my hand and smile at the watercolored sky
dont tell me yes or no or why
just kiss me under inky pink skies

i thought i wanted you
the romance and love
and i do
but we had it
it was lovely for a week
and then the world came apart bit by bit
you were never able to give
not completely
now we’re friends and i thought I wouldn’t be able to deal
i thought my heart would feel never feel whole again
but i think of you
and i still smile
i think of you and your wonderfulness and
im so full of love
maybe you’ll never be with me again
and maybe
thats ok
because at least you’ll be in my life at all
and that’s enough

you are always enough

it’s 4 am
and i’m trying to understand how this happened
trying to comprehend the hole u left in me
i feel empty
but so full of pain
i feel
incomplete
like i gave you pieces of me

i let you see me
i let you know me
i let myself trust in this
in you
and in doing that i gave something away
i don’t know exactly what it was but i gave it to you
and now your gone and i don’t know
how to get it back
how to get back what you took from me

i lay here
in the dark early morning
wishing i had a way to let this go
wishing i could pretend again
to say ‘hey! wanna do that one thing?’
and you’d say ‘yea sure!’ and we’d pretend

we can’t pretend anymore

and so what now
and so

i lie here broken

missing a part of myself

missing

you

what to do when you committed yourself to someone who won’t commit themselves to you?
they never loved you the way you loved them
maybe they don’t even deserve the way you loved them
saying that makes your heart hurt though,

how to look right at the face of the one who crushed your heart
and not want the entire world for them
how to stop wishing they’d be okay
that they would be happy again

how to stop wishing for the past
when they giggled and smiled and said “it’s because of you”

how to forget the tone in their voice when they said “i love you too”

How

if you figure it out write it down on a paper and send it to me too

words i need to know more than i need her to be true

love is not enough
this was beyond my comprehension
love i thought was all consuming
eternal
that when you fall in love
it was everything
became
everything

and how can everything- not be enough?

and love was the way i thought
all consuming
every moment of my life started and ended with her
every time i wanted it was for her
to touch, hold, kiss
she snaked her way into my future and gripped tightly
i never wanted her to let go
and love
became my entire soul
to my core, a glowing white bulb of pure energy and light
and it felt like so much more than enough
it felt like floating
it felt like life

i had to remind myself that she loved me

then it became clear
when i was chanting meaningless words to calm myself, she loves me, she loves me, she-

everything- felt so small

you loved me

I believe you

and still you are miles and miles away and my love that felt boundless, endless

wasn’t enough

not for you

I love you, but-

but

I didn’t hear you when you said it
I wish I did
When you said-

But I know I can’t do this

i wish i had heard your words when my everything
became nothing
When the camera zoomed out on my life and i realized how small i was

comprehension

love is not enough

there was a crack in my soul
then you picked me up and mended me
putting gold in the cracks

and then you dropped me again

now there are many cracks  
and the dust of the fools gold you left behind-

crumbled

there is fogginess
and yet i see every particle of air
the pieces that make up that particle
i focus to count
it blurs over again
i can hear the sound of so many things
cars swashing by
wind blowing
leaves rustling
but i can’t pick out the individual
the sound melds
all i can hear is grey

i can feel my mind inside my head
it is whole
it is nothing

i had so much love within me
and all of it wanted to go to you
and then you left and it all
evaporated

im so sorry
i miss you so much
i didnt mean to miss you this much
but i dont know how to *******

stop

choppy music consistent in my ears
water boiling in my chest
the steam makes my eyes water
the bubbles pop to the rhythm of a song
scalding
a reminder of how much the skin around my neck hurts when i think of you

I don’t remember how it went anymore
I was too caught up in the emotions to notice when it fell apart
It wasn’t until there was thread spilling over my hands and onto my feet that i realized that none of it was keeping us together anymore

i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you i dont need you

i-

****

i have to accept that i was just a place holder for you
someone you came to because no one else even scratched the bare minimum
loving you with all my heart was never enough because in the end i was never what you wanted

i am a convenience

there is no answer to why

disposable
even when i dont try

I want to focus on the good with you
I want to simmer all of what is us, and wait for the excess to evaporate
with all it gone I can see the basics
you make me smile
making you laugh makes me feel warm
the sound of your voice is one of the best sounds on earth
my world feels aligned when I’m with you

you make me happy

these are the basics
the bare essentials of what makes up you and I
And it’s all I need

slowly everything that we once were drips out of me
i know it will take time
for when you loved me you embedded yourself into every part of my being
i will wait until it falls below me
like i’m the top half of an hour glass
i will wait with time dripping at my feet
i will wait to be ok

when i talk to you everything clicks
something that feels so right
when we talk, whispers like we used to it all comes back to me
and I remember why i fell in love
i remember why this was so hard to lose
i hear you laugh
i hear the softness in your voice when you call me
and i’ve never felt anything more worth it

it only makes it hurt more when i realize this wasn’t worth it for you

can i ever be enough?

let me be enough

She was light
Light that colored and filled the room
Her black skin glowed where ever she went
She was the sweetness in people's mouths
Her braids in the sun made an aura around her
Almost like she was an angel
Maybe she was

What I want has always been abstract
No straight lines all of them blurry
Messy
Faded
Erased, even
What I want has always been something I wasn’t sure of
Something I desperately wanted but couldn’t get a hold of but everything is different now
I hear your voice
And I see your face
And all I want is to follow the line that leads directly to you
The one that takes me to your sweet lips, your beautiful skin,
You
I’ve never been so sure
The line to you is chopped in half
A big blue knife that refuses to pull back
Green and yellow and brown and rust
Everything in between us
The line is confused
It cant find its way
But one day
I will grab a pen
And draw the line myself
I will get where I belong and thats with you
I hope you grab your pen too
Connect our lines
So I can connect our lips
So I can feel your skin underneath my fingertips
So I can finally show you how much I love you
Because the words, they are reliable but they just won’t do
They aren’t enough
They fall short where my hands would not
They lose touch where my lips would kiss
Theres nothing I want more
Theres nothing I wouldn’t do
Just to be with you
The line to you has gaps but it is clear
Thick black line in permanent ink
And I love you
The gaps will disappear
I love you I love I love you

i think of what i was looking forward to this season
most of it was you
untouched promises of kisses under the mistletoe
we were too far away to pull through
shattered remembrances of my love are swirling in my brain  
something i bet doesn’t happen to you
heartbreak is the flavor this season
it always has been but now i can add onto the list of reasons

you

with you
there was a warmth inside me
a purity i never thought could even come to me
much less-
consume me
it filled every crevice within me, no space was left inside of me
and then it slowly dripped out like molasses
slowly but surely dripping out with its sweet warmth leaving with it
loving you
was like rolling my heart in glass
left me with tiny wounds i have no way of fixing
but the sweet feeling i once had with you

i feel my body yearn for it
like it yearned for pain once
it doesnt want you
it wants the warmth and purity you once made me feel
the all consuming, head to toe, ever so sure love
except-

without you

Her skin was dark
Like the night sky
And it seemed to glitter like the stars seeped into her skin
She was beauty
She was the night
She enveloped me in darkness and showed me a world
From a point of view so clear
I wondered if even mine was skewed
Who was she
A goddess?
Possibly
Her beauty definitely resounded like one

our relationship was notifications
banners I expected daily, without fail
ones that made my heart skip a beat
every single one i counted in my mind
they fell like coins in a jar, the clank- a smile

they morphed over times and months rolled themselves tighter and tighter, crushing us in its grasps

every time i see a notification
it’s not from you
i know
it’s almost never from you
and the coins in the jar have cracked it with each fall
and the shards dig into my heart every time i see
it isn’t you
i don’t know how to stop hoping that you’ll come back to me
that maybe one day i’ll get more notifications and it’ll be from you and-
i’ll smile
smiles seem so foreign to me now
what i do know is that it hurts

every notification that isn’t you is stabbing, twisting
and i turned them all off after I finally swirled into nothing but a cloud of pain
and i played music so loud i hoped it would crack through my skull
and i let myself dance
and forget

so what were we in the end?
us?
just a mass of notifications

how did they string together so well?
how did they fix themselves into a shape that convinced me to fall in love?

and how did they give themselves so much power
that now i feel myself disappearing bit by bit every time i see them

i’ve almost grown afraid of them

notifications
that’s all we were
and they themselves
omens of pain

but maybe that’s all we were too

i spent too long addicted to pain
i still bury myself in it compulsively
too long wanting it

happiness has filled me
slowly pouring in
in the form of you
sickly sweet and incredibly good
in the form of accomplishment
in doing something good
tiny bits of happiness coming from
here here and there
things i didn’t see before
people i didn’t know
like you

pain isn’t cute to me anymore
isn’t poetic even if i lace it through my poems

life is still bitter but constantly reaching for sadness tastes so much worse

happiness isn’t a something you choose but now

its an option

and that’s so much

I have looped around this garden for days
Returning to thorny bushes that scrape my skin
Returning to soft sweet scented flowers
Untouchable but tempting
My legs grow tired
I am weak
And yet I walk this circle constantly
Unending
Never stopping
Ruthless cycles
I have become a slave to selfishness
Reaching for the softness, the beauty of the flowers
To touch their petals with careful hands
Hold them to my lips and feel all that I can
Unreachable but seeable and so I see
I walk to see
And see again
And as I start the next turn my heart only longs
To see more
I pass by the thorns
I am trailing blood
Just please let me touch
Let me come back to the flowers
So the walk does not stop
The loop is unending
I **** myself slowly
My weapon, is want

Floating forward on empty feet
Music clinging to every second that passes my ears
Im overwhelmed by the quiet vastness the world has become
Green spilling over pale balconies
Flowers take their place without remorse
Sturdy white buildings with their usual red caps filled to the brim with life
They feign stillness secretly teeming with love, with hate, with anger,  enjoyment of life, with overwhelming loneliness, with boisterous laughter, with shared meals and smiles and tears
It’s alive, every person a vein, i can feel these buildings breathe as i walk by, feel it’s pulse, every beat resounding deep in my skull
An irrefutable reminder
as my skin crawls from solitude, we are alive, we are alive

if only the earth did not separate us
i hear the droplets falling to the ground, hitting my roof
tapping at the neighbors chimes

“I love you.” you would say.

i smile sadly

I love you too

you are not there to hear me and your words, not even that

the pitter patter of the rain continues tonight

i love you

ahah...

i breathe in the cool air

i love you

like the very sound of her voice could save me
like i would give her my soul so she could be happy

like walking to the edge, heart pounding
like the step before the fall



heart hit first,

i shattered.

the world doesn’t feel the same anymore
these past few years the air has slowly been tinted black
thickening, viscous and sour around our bones
breaking the ones below and leaving some of us to watch helpless
waiting for the air to rise
although somehow
coming from above
bullets shot in the dark didn’t make much sound
until finally youthful
tear stained faces
pulled the bullets up into clear air in their grasps and observed what we’ve become
with a clarity none of us knew
a clarity none of those people know
them with the black tinted air flowing from their mouths
becoming more sour, and more heavy with each breath, each utterance
each denial
they make
youthful faces with words far stronger than bullets

aimed at those who exhale black

the world is different now
we all felt like dissolving in the despair
instead
fortified by it

i join hands with my peers and we climb up above the earth
fight our way up
to the artificial atmosphere
and we throw our fists at the oppressive black film surrounding the earth
we hurl our bodies into it
we scream
we cry

we cra c k it open

one inch at a time

words are not my friends
i lay here trying to connect every feeling in my body to a word
these nebulous clouds of gray
they must connect somewhere in my brain
to words
no?
i focus on the pain in my arms and try to give it a name as it slithers its way through my veins
nameless
i remember that i almost died one day
would words still mean nothing if i was gone and grey
decomposed in the dirt
maybe the words would catch me then
whisper in my ear
there was pain you felt back then
let me explain to you the name of each one
each kind of pain
categorized in a helpful list just for you
do the dead know words in letters that we cannot fathom?
do the rested have their own words in their own hues?
i don’t know but it isn’t worth finding out
even if words are shared with the dead
words are for the living
that doesn’t even need to be said
so for now i lay here still
baking in my own heat
covered in clouds of different colors from my head to my feet
and right now there are no words
and that’s okay
words do not need to be my friends today
we can try again tomorrow or next week
i will always be here
always accepting
never rejecting
waiting for words to crawl to my feet

I have felt the weight of so many feelings pile up inside me over the years
The top layer of myself is composed of a loss for words
I fell in love once and back then it was as if the words would never stop flowing out of me
Poem after poem pouring out of my soul about a girl who i ended up falling so completely out of love with
Ever since then i have looked at my notebooks, stray post it notes once equipped for a passionate flurry of words to be smattered onto and then neatly folded into an origami heart  
I’ve looked at them and felt only loss
Falling out of love overtook me as slowly as falling in
Shy moments persistently becoming noticed until i realized that
I wasnt who i used to be when this all began
And honestly?
I dont know who i am anymore
I really don’t
And perhaps that’s why i havent found the words yet
These past few months i have been urging myself to write, write, write,
You know you will want to remember what this is like so write
But i looked inside myself and all i saw was a confusing blob, a living person with questions for organs and i didn’t know what to do
What had become of who i was
And so i pushed writing away
Words that so easily poured from my fingertips, trapped behind a self made dam
I felt silly
I feel silly
How to i begin to describe that i no longer recognize myself
That the image of who i was
A scared angry depressed teenager has been smeared at, scratched away with rough greedy hands
And i am left looking at an empty husk of an adult
A living breathing ‘what could be’
And i am lost
And i dont know
I must really admit, i know nothing- at all.

We lay on our beds facing each other
Millions of miles apart

“It hurts.” She says, a tear slipping down the bridge of her nose and trailing against the seams of her other eye before finally landing on her pillow.

thud

“I know.” I reply.

And I turn away from her.