I have felt the weight of so many feelings pile up inside me over the years The top layer of myself is composed of a loss for words I fell in love once and back then it was as if the words would never stop flowing out of me Poem after poem pouring out of my soul about a girl who i ended up falling so completely out of love with Ever since then i have looked at my notebooks, stray post it notes once equipped for a passionate flurry of words to be smattered onto and then neatly folded into an origami heart I’ve looked at them and felt only loss Falling out of love overtook me as slowly as falling in Shy moments persistently becoming noticed until i realized that I wasnt who i used to be when this all began And honestly? I dont know who i am anymore I really don’t And perhaps that’s why i havent found the words yet These past few months i have been urging myself to write, write, write, You know you will want to remember what this is like so write But i looked inside myself and all i saw was a confusing blob, a living person with questions for organs and i didn’t know what to do What had become of who i was And so i pushed writing away Words that so easily poured from my fingertips, trapped behind a self made dam I felt silly I feel silly How to i begin to describe that i no longer recognize myself That the image of who i was A scared angry depressed teenager has been smeared at, scratched away with rough greedy hands And i am left looking at an empty husk of an adult A living breathing ‘what could be’ And i am lost And i dont know I must really admit, i know nothing- at all.
i havent written a poem in months. I kept stressing and worrying so i decided to just, let my brain do what it wants. And this is wat it did.
flat washes of ink in blue and pink dragged fingers across the sky leaving fuzz and glitter in their touch heavy colors leave me feeling light the trees give me breath in the morning crisp light and i am mist floating and twinkling in the air feet touch the floor the cool air with its hands interlocks with my fingers
my hand wishes for yours it reaches and it falls empty promises that i’d wish you made so maybe i can hope for someday the sky wasnt made- with its pretty pastel shades to enjoy on my own
pretend with me take my hand like you can walk with me like our feet can eat the miles between us let our lungs fill with freshness let your lips touch mine i know you cant but please step into this painting of a world with me hold my hand and smile at the watercolored sky dont tell me yes or no or why just kiss me under inky pink skies
apparently i wrote this 10/13/17. Things are different now, yet startingly the same. I dont know how to fall out of love with this person and I think. I’ve accepted that. Im ok. Me and her. Are ok. Even when we arent, i know we will be.
slowly everything that we once were drips out of me i know it will take time for when you loved me you embedded yourself into every part of my being i will wait until it falls below me like i’m the top half of an hour glass i will wait with time dripping at my feet i will wait to be ok
i finally got closure fellas. And shes my friend now and im happy with how things are i just need to wait. For now im still,... in love with her. A part of me feels like there will always be a tiny cell in my body that will always love her. I dont know. I know that i need to move on and that I will move on. Its time to work towards happiness again. And I trust it wIll come soon. Its only a matter of time
moments when i can run my fingers against the fogged up windows and see
the glass feels so thin right then like we could just make one synchronized move together and it would break
through the glass i can see calmness ease love there is no wall anymore, no glass only surmountable obstacles we know we can endure
just past this glass
the glass isn’t going anywhere anytime soon though it will stay no matter how much we pound at it
our hands are still bleeding from the last time we tried, remember? of course you do it feels like you take pride in never forgetting
i know- this never can be i know it’s just pretend but i like to wipe my sleeve across the glass anyways eyes squinting heart racing just to see a glance of what could be i’ll press my lips against the glass pretend we’re kissing hold my hand imagine it in your head while i place my hand on cold hard glass instead imagine the heat was able to transfer through imagine how warm my arms would feel around you
but that isn’t what we do
you love to fog up the glass standing there from the other side you love to push this away even though i’m already as far away as i could ever be and while you hastily breath a puff of vapor into the freezing air i watch as it blurs my view distorts your face and i turn away from the window push my back against bricks and wonder how i could shake the world so the glass would shatter and lead to a path right to you but there’s nothing i can do
we stand on opposite sides wishing left and right was just Here.
yeet im being angsty for no reason. Long distance cruSh ****
I want to focus on the good with you I want to simmer all of what is us, and wait for the excess to evaporate with all it gone I can see the basics you make me smile making you laugh makes me feel warm the sound of your voice is one of the best sounds on earth my world feels aligned when I’m with you
you make me happy
these are the basics the bare essentials of what makes up you and I And it’s all I need
am i talking about the same girl i wrote a break up poem about??? Uuuuuuuh. Yes.