If you are an ocean,
Let me sink in you.

Life has nothing
That can amaze
Let alone impress,
And the future
Is faceless.
I want to die
In silence.
I want to disappear
Off of myself,
Off of the sphere.


F.Z.**N

I am going
Because you tell me things
You only mean when she's away.
And she's often away,
And I'm often here.

But your mind is always
Where she is.


-- Eleanor

It is slowly coming back to life,
Our old love.


F.Z.**N

just one more drink, he said
and i was fine,
one more drink
will go straight to my head
and make me have
six or seven more
and drown me, drown me
six or seven miles offshore.

just one more, i said
and i was fine
with his hand between my *****
i was fine
with his teeth on my neck,
his claws, pointed, *****, *****
all ten of them
all ten of them ripping my shirt off.
all ten of them
scratching my skin with scoff.

one more drink, he said
and i'll take you home.

"you don't have to be alone."


-- Eleanor

This morning on the tramway a stranger
Was singing our song.
I didn't know how to feel about it,
Whether I wanted to keep listening
Or change seats,
Whether I loved you still
Or didn't care any more.

So I simply looked out of the window
And smiled to the memory of us.


F.Z.**N

She moaned the most painful moan
Drowned by the sound of laughter,
Veiled by always looking happy
And nobody heard it.


F.Z.N

There was a time
When I was with you
And each smile,
Each shiver was framed
And hanged
On the walls of our dreams.
Now I fall asleep
And everything
Is silent,
Except the screams
Of those paintings
As they crumbled
To the floor
And didn't mean a thing
Any more.


F.Z.**N

I keep saying that maybe
there's a place for you and I;
a parallel world where we can
love each other unconditionally.

Somewhere safe,
somewhere you don't have to
question everything I do
and every word I tell you.

But the truth is I don't think
such world exists.
We had it here, yesterday
and we lost it.


F.Z.N

i smoke cigarettes out
of sheer boredom,
not the kind that makes you
want to **** yourself, no
a different kind of
boredom
probably the one that
makes you want to do nothing
but sit and enjoy
how pathetic you are.

the streets are dark and
uninspiring
a bit like my past
where everything that happened
happened without a sound

my birth, how much i hated
company as a young girl,
my sister's birth, my brother's time
in jail, the pathetic love of
my pathetic life.

but it's not pathetic  when
it's unnoticed and this
sad excuse of a poem isn't
the last i write, nor is this
cigarette the last
i smoke.


-- Eleanor

I dream peacefully
And hardly dream
Of peace.


-- Eleanor

Pear on the coffee table
Apple on the counter
A loaf of bread
On the unmade bed.
My heart in your fridge,
Half broken, half dead.


-- Eleanor

You were a petal of a rose
That settled on my palm
And I blew you away.


-- Eleanor

I
go
to
bed
with
the
thought
of
you
under
my
pillow
and
it
directly
transfers
to
my
dreams.*


F.Z.N

I'm sorry, but
There's no better combination than
Pink Floyd and the Cannabee

Not even you and me.


-- Eleanor

with dirt on your hands
and art on your tongue
you sleep next to me
in the middle of a summer day

you treat my *****
with caresses
left unfelt

and i say,
the day is plain
and the sun is out

and you can't help
but long for the moon
to bring her back.


-- Eleanor

Please be pleased
By the summer breeze
When I died I was taken
From winter to your heaven
Please be pleased
By my death
It is the birth of a new love.

-- Eleanor

Poetry walks into a bar.
She gets drunk
On life.


F.Z.**N

**** me,
**** me with your
Empty promises
And double speeches.
**** me,
Shoot me with the bullet
I once gave you as a vote.


F.Z.**N

Two long to see the Christ;
The religious and the pothead.


-- Eleanor

When the pouring rain
Hits my face and blends with the tears
I remember you.


-- Eleanor

I totally adore
How you blend in the crowd
But when we're alone
You become you.


-- Eleanor

The first time I met you
You said I was too quick,
That you liked to take your time.

I said, well okay fair enough
Let's take this as slow as should.

It didn't take two weeks
Before you broke me.

Speak of quickness.


-- Eleanor

If only I could collect the rain,
Put it in a jar
And take it to God.

Then I would say,
Here, I found your tears,
They made the soil breath.


-- Eleanor

They told me a joke
And I laughed my head off.
They told me about a kid
Who lost his parents in the war
And I shed a tear.
They told me many things actually
And I made appropriate reactions to them.
But when you looked at me
And told me
That you wanted nothing
From me any more,
I didn't cry or laugh or say a word.
And there was more honesty
In my silence
Than in any of my reactions.

F.Z.N

I am ready,
So let me know when you are.


F.Z.N

In wanting to forget
There is regret,
Pain,
And love.


F.Z.**N

If I was a telly
You would pretty much be
The remote control
That turns me on.


F.Z.N

How should I repent
When my faith is bent.


-- Eleanor

there is a sacred place
that lives in every single
one of us.

i suspect it to be
the very place
Beethoven's music
came from.

and when we have
a late night conversation
in your bathtub
over a bottle of wine
you take me there.


-- Eleanor

I love the kind of sadness
That makes me write.


-- Eleanor

all the same all the same
all the same all the same
they're all the same
my lover is the same


-Watercolour

Love poem
Never read
In a letter
Never sent.

Self-inflicted torment.


-- Eleanor

For his gaze a white horse
My insides a little bit
Morose
For his hands precise
Shiver inducing
And mine
Gauche disguised.

For the return
In the dream palace
Never the more abiding
Alas, alas!
Anti-clock wise,
Survive the fragments
And the lies.

For my tears crimson
His, unspoken
Ghastly flow of abundant,
Turmoil when apart,
Swagger at ease,
Dies and behaves
Their fears.

For us alone, the devil
May rise
Burial sites
God may reclaim
Two souls in one heart
Separate.
But they will not
Forget.


--Eleanor

It's a shame you don't feel the same.
That's all I have to say.


-- Eleanor

I am sharp and dreaded
Blood is dripping from me
Not my blood, no
Someone else's blood
They use me for stabbing.

I am sharp and hidden
Under her pillow
Like a gun
Constantly firing
Keeping her from sleeping.

I am sharp and I like it
Out of her reach
Safely kept in your kitchen drawer
Waiting for you to come home
To slice her open again
I am yours and I am vindictive.

I am sharp and I am your words.


F.Z.**N

I look at her.
I look at myself.

She is one to love
And I'm one to rid of.


F.Z.**N

Don't run from me, baby
he said.
You are asking for it,
it's how I know you want it.

Beneath fragile skin,
beneath tiny bones,
there is a woman
just like any another woman

and she wants it.


F.Z.**N

Yes, she loves you.
It's obvious.
But she wouldn't go out of her way
And wake up at 5 in the morning
Just to kiss you
Before you went to class.
She loves you
But she wouldn't cry herself to sleep
After you two argued
Over something stupid.
She wouldn't say sorry
For something she didn't do,
She wouldn't giggle to herself
When you crossed her mind,
She wouldn't have eyes only for you,
She wouldn't ******* kiss you
And taste immortality in your lips.

She wouldn't love you
The way I did.

I love you.

Silence

I suppose I'll take the hint.


F.Z.N

Maybe she was looking for somebody to warm
her up all the time and God, when it got
too dark outdoors you cried kerosene and set
fire to yourself just to provide her safety and security.
And maybe it's true that everything
comes in a paradoxical form and that's
why even though you were born from
a warm womb, your soul was so icy cold
she burnt her fingertips just touching it
and probably mistook it for the heat she
had always been longing for. I know that it's ironic,
I know that your dreams lay somewhere
beside her perfect body and shiny hair
but your reality is four suicide
attempts and cutting your wrists open
over some permanent tattoo where
her love was supposed to be skinned.


-- Eleanor

We built a world
Where eternity exists
In a small box.

-- Eleanor

You never remember the small
things like the way you sighed against
my neck and the hole in my shirt
and the hole in my heart
and the hole you left behind you.


F.Z.N

You smelled of life
And hope and a future ahead.
I smelled of ennui instead.

You took me to your bed
And ****** with my head.


F.Z.**N

Nearly two years ago
You'd smile because you liked me,
Then you'd smile because you loved me.
God you'd even smile
Because I made you so angry
You wanted to **** me and kiss me at the same time.

What I mean is that you smiled at me
For so many reasons, countless reasons really.

Even now you still do it,
I mean, don't get me wrong
You smile at me

Out of common courtesy.


F.Z.**N

The pain untold -
Widen the hopes,
Hide the dreams and roam
Memories unfold -
Until memories are sold.

To that very one
Far from home.

-- Eleanor

Lies, bruises, insults right to my face
I thought our love was worth it
Until somebody told me
That the people who hurt you
Couldn't have loved you.


F.Z.N

and if someday,
some happy day
life grabs you by the collar
and knocks some sense
into your head,
don't think about it
don't fight it.

just remember
that somewhere
in the bottom of a wine glass,
you exist
forever.


-- Eleanor

I saw chemistry
Between your smiles
And my shy looks.
I mean, I really did
See something
In the way
You handed me that cigarette,
In the way
You asked me to spend the night,
In the way
You made me feel less empty.

I don't know.
Maybe I simply read too much
Into your politeness.
Maybe you're just another guy
Who already belongs
To someone else.


F.Z.**N

I just want to go to bed
And wake up
In someone else's head.


F.Z.**N