You said you weren't designed
To be someone's husband
Or someone's father.

And God, I said, me neither.
But didn't it **** me
To know
We will never be
Anything
I have wanted.


F.Z.N

Okay maybe you found yourself
Some other girl,
You don't need me any more.


F.Z.**N

My days are busy with pretending
To be normal,
But my evenings, my love,
They're filled with either liquor
Or wanting you
So much,
So much...


-- Eleanor

I wish they invented
A sorrow cleaner
That would **** up
Pain and loneliness
Into its vacuum
So you would never
Complain again
About the shattered bits
Of my heart
That I left on your carpet
The day we parted ways.


F.Z.N

I know I'd give anything to be in her shoes,
I know I'd swallow fifty gallons of gasoline
and set myself on fire
just so you held me in those strong arms of yours
that once pushed me against a wall,
and that now effortlessly carry her heavy body
somewhere empty, somewhere private
somewhere romantic...

I know that deep within my broken heart
there's this empty space that nobody dares
taking up,
I know that sometime within the next two decades
I am going to be making little holes in the pictures
of us together while hating myself so much
for not being her or at least someone as decent.

I know that her laughter is the only song
you never tire of,
I know that when she says she loves you
your heart grows wings and starts to flop,
I know that she makes you happy,
I know that your eyes sparkle
at the thought of her,
I know that she is the one
and so very pretty
whereas I'm not even a memory.


F.Z.**N

I spent a big part of my life not doing
things because I had no reason why I ought to,
I mean, so what?
But one day I woke up and found myself
loving you and putting more effort into
our relationship than I've ever done
into anything else.

I mean, I told you I loved you
and your response was, so what?


F.Z.N

I feel there is space between
me and my skin
and you're the closest thing.


-- Eleanor

There's a moon in the sky
And a few stars too.

Which of them is you?


-- Eleanor

Beautiful when far,
Deadly when close.
Those stars above
Are just like love.


F.Z.N

I wish my heart
Was steel.
I wish it didn't feel

Anything,
Anything at all.


F.Z.**N

When I was little I dreamt I was a stringless kite
flying freely in the sky, I was the out-of-control wild
type you could never manage to keep quiet.
But when I met you, things somewhat changed and
you brought me back on land and showed me that
what I needed wasn't exactly in the sky but rather
right beside you. I decided to give away my wings
for one taste of your witty tongue and dangerous
love. The only problem is that deep within me, and
even though I had legs that I wasn't exactly designed
to use, a hint of feeling out-of-place
would always disguise itself in the most subtle
ways you would always detect and hate, absolutely
hate about me.

The idea of dying so I am finally free was tempting,
I've got to admit it was the only thing left about
that long gone dreamy girl you managed to
change completely. And it's all confusing because
no matter how hard I try to get away, I always
find myself stuck inside my brain thinking
about the way your lips form when you say
you love me. And I bet you hate the way mine
do when I say I don't want you. But baby,
if it hadn't been for you, I would have
probably ceased to exist by now.

Maybe I simply wanted you to love me
with my flaws and pain and sorrow
and everything that's me.

And maybe you cannot do that because
no human can love unconditionally.


F.Z.N

I loved you stupidly
And you stuck like nothing else.


F.Z.**N

I feel like a stranger
Stuck in another stranger's body.


-- Eleanor

I looked at you
The way an artist
Would look at a naked woman.
Your bottom lip was designed
For kissing,
Your hands for crafting,
And there was a picture in every moment
I have shared with you.

I saw that we fit together
So very perfectly,
But the subjective camera
Was only me.


--Eleanor

I miss you
Quite subconsciously.

As my heart pours liquor on my soul,
My head drops a verse
For that whom is in question --
There could be no substitution.

-- Eleanor

What has life made of me?
Where has life taken me?

This body has never been mine, nor will this mind ever be.

There is a terrific sadness in every time
I look in the mirror and pretend to smile.

Dear Adam,
I have missed the spring and I am coming to you soon
The eyes that flicker, the stories behind the eyelids
The heart that ***** in the air
Like a flightless bird that dreams to fly.
Make sure you open up those heavy arms of yours
Make of my thin body your prisoner
Forever
See me for the second time,
Look at me as if it was the first time.

Adam, the ground has never been mine to walk upon
This Earth is selfish, she wants us all
But I am weary, just like you.
Everywhere I look, I find wrinkles
Old objects full of dust
Young people full of lust
Golden hearts full of rust.

Adam, I have been reeking of desolation
Since the day I died
Right there on grass that has never been greener
Under a sun that has never shone brighter
Since I died
Of longing
I have been reeking of desperation
If it wasn't for the books you left me,
If it wasn't for this letter today
If it wasn't for the hope of finding you again
I would have long turned into a portrait
Copied off of a portrait of a portrait
Of a portrait someone painted off the back of their mind
Intelligible and faint.

Adam, the lines on my palms are fading
Drip by drip
The water in me is adding up
And drowning what life has left of me
Poor little soul, good for nothing but the sadness

Adam, I wish I was sad like you
But I am not sad
I am bored,
Like a writer that never learned to write
A painter without paints
A mermaid on land
I am bored like the zoo.

I am coming to you soon.
But I know you're not there.

Goodbye summer and everything that's as clear
I will miss you my dear.


-- Watercolour

he looks at the stars
and back at me
take me, i am yours
he says.

i look at him
and back at the stars

how i wish they
took me.


-- Eleanor

Tangled are your hands
Around my heart.

If you let go
I will come apart.

in 12 hours exactly
life will take a new turn

i hope it's finally
towards happiness


-- Watercolour

it's terribly humid
and this cigarette
is terribly harmful
this life is horrid
it's terribly horrid.

and i terribly die
each time
you kiss my forrid.


-- Eleanor

It is the summer
And the days,
The days,
They are horribly
Terribly
Long.

I miss you.


F.Z.**N

A cockatiel lives in my ribcage
and maybe it should
come out and tell me about
the pain it swallows
and turns into songs,
songs for everybody to hear.

I am fine with it there most
of the time, really.
But sometimes at night my pretentious
heart gets tired and I want
to tear it up and set the bird free.
There's nothing that can save me.


F.Z.**N

I am green and wild
You are blue and vague
And together
We make the earth.


F.Z.N

When love hits two people
It's far beyond their capacity
It's not a choice.
Like God, bored in his kingdom,
Ordered the angels
To stitch them together
As one piece of fabric
Through thick and thin.

Then the Devil, jealous of such union,
Does his best to set them apart again.
He tries loosening the threads,
Uses scissors to rip them.
He even makes little unnoticeable holes
Just to damage the cloth.

But they must be smart
They must see through his villain attempts
At spoiling the embroidery of love
God sewed on the cloth of their heart.
They must resist.

Sometimes they do
Sometimes they don't.


F.Z.**N

It's a beautiful night, isn't it?
The only problem with it
Is that when you are gone
I won't be able to watch the sky
Without thinking
The moon and I
Are murderously alone.

It's okay
I have the moon's company;
The only one
Who can understand me.


F.Z.**N

And the next thing I knew
I was in love.


F.Z.N

God took the rain
And he tossed it in my eyes
And said, save this.
Save this for a bad day.
Save this for the bad day.
And when he leaves you
Cry it all away,
Use it all up,
And the sun will shine again.


F.Z.**N

More than ninety-eight days
Since you've been gone
I never was good with numbers
You knew that very well

There were times
When you called me stupid
It didn't bring me down
I knew better
Insults from you
Never came out as offensive anyway

There were times
We had conversations
So terrible I wanted to dissolve
In my cup of tea
Yeah like sugar
I didn't know about you though
It was hard to
But I remember our last as a couple
It was the worst of all
You cried for the first time
And I didn't
Yeah for the first time

There's a shadow
On my beige painted wall tonight
It belongs to no object
Quite funny
It's the shadow of your love
I think, I hope, I wish
More than ninety-eight days passed
Since you left and forgot

But I know how
You will never walk with a shadow again


F.Z.**N

He's on the shore
I'm beneath the sand
He has my heart
Beat in his hand.


-- Eleanor

Us was here.


--Watercolour

Get a coffee
Light up a cigarette
Write
Get published
Become famous
Get bored
Write again
Write again
Get more bored
Write, write, write
About boredom
Become miserable
Write
About misery.

Die famous
But miserable...


-- Eleanor

Times moves
Like waves.

It comes and goes,
Elongates and
shrinks.

It doesn't exist.


-- Eleanor

i know you're tired
the world got me weary, too


-- Watercolour

I used to date a guy
And he broke me.
Now I belong to nobody.


F.Z.**N

You bit your lip
And winked at me
A glass of wine in your hand,
A cigarette
Hanging out of your mouth.
You were *******
On the floor
And I barefoot
On the bed
With three other people
Who talked a lot.
You mumbled something
To yourself
But the music
Was too loud.
I looked away,
I looked up to the ceiling
Which had disappeared
To put the stars on display.

And you and me, my love.
We were there.


F.Z.**N

You run your fingers
Over my smooth skin
And turn every bare part
That you touch
Into little shivers
And into little fragments
Of forever.


-- Eleanor

I want to shrink
And throw myself
In the waste-paper basket.

That's how ******
I am feeling.


F.Z.**N

And we're all
Just passing the time
Trying to forget
We're going to die


F.Z.**N

There is a tumour
Inside of me.
And what does it do?
It grows and grows
And keeps growing.

This tumour
Is loneliness.


-- Eleanor

I removed myself
And walked right through
The gates of hell -
I saw it all - blazing in flames
My sins before me -
Like two wolves on my porch
That came back
To devour me.


-- Eleanor

umbilical cords i was
born with a pair
one motherly
the latter devilish
one i lost
one i kept with me
steel, forever cursed.
it pulls me
to the destruction path
where i lie with no remorse
and it's the strangest force
that pushes you away
from me.
invisible lives i lead
in the dark
where i keep you the most
but sometimes show you sparks
from a parallel road
i should have taken
right from the womb
but they drag me down
yet attached to hell
by a fine, thin
unbreakable thread

please forgive me
and them
we're one at this point


-- Eleanor

You were my umbrella and my parasol
Always sheltering me,
Always protecting me.

But now that you are gone
I cry tears like rain
And burn inside like a flame.

An umbrella and a parasol
Protecting me
From the moody
Weather
That is me.


F.Z.N

Billions and billions
Of possibilities
In a restless, uncertain world.
Your eyes meet mine
And I couldn't think
Of another pair
That could make me
As certain.


-- Eleanor

In two hours
I will be happy
For an hour.
But in three
I will get back
To being
Unhappy.


F.Z.**N

You grab the thread
And start walking away
And I, still pinned to a twig
Unravel, unravel
And become but a trail
Behind your sail.


-- Eleanor

He thinks he knows me
Like a book he reads.

But God, must I feel
For the metaphors,
The magic, the depth
And the world between the lines
Left unseen...


-- Eleanor

I found us
And I killed us.

I shouldn't have.


-- Watercolour

Us is my dream
And my dream alone.


F.Z.N