The sky like the palm of my hands
Is clear and faint
Holding stars and then slowly digesting them
Just like I do with magic pills.


--Watercolour

I loved you stupidly
And you stuck like nothing else.


F.Z.**N

I just feel there is
Something immortal
Inside our veins,
And perhaps I am conceited
But I mean it.

You make eternity
Possible with your gentle
swords of hands,
And perhaps I am defeated
But I feel it.


-- Eleanor

Your absence sits on my skin
As layers and layers
Of melancholia
Feeding off
My flesh and bones
Until I am no more
But melancholia.


F.Z.N

I am sharp and dreaded
Blood is dripping from me
Not my blood, no
Someone else's blood
They use me for stabbing.

I am sharp and hidden
Under her pillow
Like a gun
Constantly firing
Keeping her from sleeping.

I am sharp and I like it
Out of her reach
Safely kept in your kitchen drawer
Waiting for you to come home
To slice her open again
I am yours and I am vindictive.

I am sharp and I am your words.


F.Z.**N

he wrote about
her and
made her
immortal.


-- Eleanor

The outside is blue
And shaped like a bowl
Perhaps a tank
Perhaps the air I am breathing
Is water
I float in space
No, I swim

I am not a human being
I am a fish in a tank.


--Eleanor Rigby

I have no earthly idea what love is;
It's divine.


F.Z.**N

You bit your lip
And winked at me
A glass of wine in your hand,
A cigarette
Hanging out of your mouth.
You were *******
On the floor
And I barefoot
On the bed
With three other people
Who talked a lot.
You mumbled something
To yourself
But the music
Was too loud.
I looked away,
I looked up to the ceiling
Which had disappeared
To put the stars on display.

And you and me, my love.
We were there.


F.Z.**N

You say you're ugly
But darling
You are a butterfly
That has seen the day
To be pretty.


-- Eleanor

He grabbed me by the hair
And beat me up.
I said, daddy stop it
Please not here.
Daddy, I don't know who you are
Daddy, you're not my daddy
Any more
Daddy, go away.

He punched me several places,
Several times
Until I bled.
Until I hated him enough
To spit on his face.
Until I loved him enough
To believe I deserved it.

He screamed I was a *****.
He screamed it so many times
It got to my head
And changed the way
I saw myself.

I said, daddy not here,
Not today.
But he beat me up
Harder.


F.Z.**N

Love is a burning cigarette
That makes ashes
Out of the pieces
Of me and
The pieces of you.


--Eleanor Rigby

I am pregnant with a love
That will never see the day.


-- Eleanor

Circumstances are hinges
Where poetry swings.
They can open a door
To a million linguistic expressions
Or they can shut them off
**** them in the sore of your throat
But never mute the meaning of.
Meaning lays in the very state
Of furtiveness and nakedness
From which words, inner or external
Emerge.
When mine merge with yours
It's beautiful
But when feelings do
As ore as they can get
There is not a word
Left to say.


-- Eleanor

There was a time
When I was with you
And each smile,
Each shiver was framed
And hanged
On the walls of our dreams.
Now I fall asleep
And everything
Is silent,
Except the screams
Of those paintings
As they crumbled
To the floor
And didn't mean a thing
Any more.


F.Z.**N

I can't replace you with a book
Because it tells the same story
Again and again.
Nor with a song
For most songs
Are only three minutes long.

I can't replace with another person
Because you are one of a kind.
Nor with anything
I can think of
Except your ghost.


F.Z.N

I remember thinking about you and
getting glimpses of  heaven,
I remember looking in your eyes
and seeing my very own reflection
like you were glass and me
so desperate for your opinion,
like we were one and the same,
Like we were perfection.

And now, and now...
you are but a long gone stranger
I had spent years mistaking for myself.

I mean it's just funny,
for the short times we spent together
I certainly did believe
you were never going to leave.


F.Z.N

I am happy for you.
And sad,
Very sad for myself.


F.Z.**N

I want to shrink
And throw myself
In the waste-paper basket.

That's how ******
I am feeling.


F.Z.**N

I'm sorry, but
There's no better combination than
Pink Floyd and the Cannabee

Not even you and me.


-- Eleanor

Tangled are your hands
Around my heart.

If you let go
I will come apart.

I am better off without you,
I lie to myself.


F.Z.*N

My heart wavers between ancient
and fresh.
You drag me down the water
with your anchor of false hopes.
And he wide opens his arms,
the door, his heart
then looks at me
And tells me I am free.


-- Eleanor

Your eyes fixed on the screen
and mine on you.
You're watching a story
And I am, too.


F.Z.N

Don't run from me, baby
he said.
You are asking for it,
it's how I know you want it.

Beneath fragile skin,
beneath tiny bones,
there is a woman
just like any another woman

and she wants it.


F.Z.**N

They say that we're all just halves
Of what we are supposed to be...
But tonight, I am whole.


-- Eleanor

She is a romance magnet
And when she walks
I can almost see the moon
Follow her steps.
And when she goes to sleep
The night sky goes starless
For the stars have no one to shine upon
Except her.
But me,
I am just like the rest.


-- Eleanor

I saw chemistry
Between your smiles
And my shy looks.
I mean, I really did
See something
In the way
You handed me that cigarette,
In the way
You asked me to spend the night,
In the way
You made me feel less empty.

I don't know.
Maybe I simply read too much
Into your politeness.
Maybe you're just another guy
Who already belongs
To someone else.


F.Z.**N

Love poem
Never read
In a letter
Never sent.

Self-inflicted torment.


-- Eleanor

A girl sat in class
and took notes automatically/mechanically
while her imagination travelled
to a remote chalet where a dog
lived alone.
It didn't have a name or parent
and no one judged it.
It didn't even question its freedom.

Anyway, the girl went back home
and did her homework.
She was locked inside a cage
with a lot of other people who wouldn't notice.

The girl grows older and dies.
I hope she's finally free.


-- Eleanor

There once was a fish in the sea
That promised itself eternity.

That fish is you and me
And everything we'll never be.


F.Z.N

Hazel eyes on the bus
I looked for you,
You looked for me.


--Watercolour

What has life made of me?
Where has life taken me?

This body has never been mine, nor will this mind ever be.

There is a terrific sadness in every time
I look in the mirror and pretend to smile.

Dear Adam,
I have missed the spring and I am coming to you soon
The eyes that flicker, the stories behind the eyelids
The heart that ***** in the air
Like a flightless bird that dreams to fly.
Make sure you open up those heavy arms of yours
Make of my thin body your prisoner
Forever
See me for the second time,
Look at me as if it was the first time.

Adam, the ground has never been mine to walk upon
This Earth is selfish, she wants us all
But I am weary, just like you.
Everywhere I look, I find wrinkles
Old objects full of dust
Young people full of lust
Golden hearts full of rust.

Adam, I have been reeking of desolation
Since the day I died
Right there on grass that has never been greener
Under a sun that has never shone brighter
Since I died
Of longing
I have been reeking of desperation
If it wasn't for the books you left me,
If it wasn't for this letter today
If it wasn't for the hope of finding you again
I would have long turned into a portrait
Copied off of a portrait of a portrait
Of a portrait someone painted off the back of their mind
Intelligible and faint.

Adam, the lines on my palms are fading
Drip by drip
The water in me is adding up
And drowning what life has left of me
Poor little soul, good for nothing but the sadness

Adam, I wish I was sad like you
But I am not sad
I am bored,
Like a writer that never learned to write
A painter without paints
A mermaid on land
I am bored like the zoo.

I am coming to you soon.
But I know you're not there.

Goodbye summer and everything that's as clear
I will miss you my dear.


-- Watercolour

The months were passing
As my doubts growing
Higher and higher.
I was thinking that
She was just a summer fling,
That we were just mad
At each other,
That we will eventually
Get back together.

Anyway,
My doubts carried on
Until the merry merry day
I saw my grandmother's ring
Around her finger.
And I knew we were pretty much over.


F.Z.**N

Losing lovers,
Losing friends,
Losing everything I am.

How do I exist independently?


F.Z.**N

Maybe she was looking for somebody to warm
her up all the time and God, when it got
too dark outdoors you cried kerosene and set
fire to yourself just to provide her safety and security.
And maybe it's true that everything
comes in a paradoxical form and that's
why even though you were born from
a warm womb, your soul was so icy cold
she burnt her fingertips just touching it
and probably mistook it for the heat she
had always been longing for. I know that it's ironic,
I know that your dreams lay somewhere
beside her perfect body and shiny hair
but your reality is four suicide
attempts and cutting your wrists open
over some permanent tattoo where
her love was supposed to be skinned.


-- Eleanor

I smile so wide and ask her about
her boyfriend, how he's doing,
how he's treating her...
She smiles back and says
that they love each other.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm happy for her, really.
It's just that it's so weird
to refer to you now as someone's
boyfriend when you used to be
the reason I was breathing.


F.Z.N

I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone.
But if you must go,
If you want to go, I want you to know
That it's okay.
It's okay.


-- Eleanor

A cockatiel lives in my ribcage
and maybe it should
come out and tell me about
the pain it swallows
and turns into songs,
songs for everybody to hear.

I am fine with it there most
of the time, really.
But sometimes at night my pretentious
heart gets tired and I want
to tear it up and set the bird free.
There's nothing that can save me.


F.Z.**N

There was a certain depth
To my love for you,
And an artificiality
To everything else.


F.Z.**N

Times moves
Like waves.

It comes and goes,
Elongates and
shrinks.

It doesn't exist.


-- Eleanor

my heartbeat dances
to the sound of his breathing;
short, fast, deep
soft, slow, heavy.

If you want to **** me,
just hold your breath.


-- Eleanor

Beautiful when far,
Deadly when close.
Those stars above
Are just like love.


F.Z.N

Just when you're ready
To hurt me,
Avoid the heart.

-- Eleanor

His thoughts are colours,
His hands are brushes,
And he touches me
Quite artistically.


-- Eleanor

Billions and billions
Of possibilities
In a restless, uncertain world.
Your eyes meet mine
And I couldn't think
Of another pair
That could make me
As certain.


-- Eleanor

Skinned ghosts and spilled ink
In a sack of flesh
My very own.

it's terribly humid
and this cigarette
is terribly harmful
this life is horrid
it's terribly horrid.

and i terribly die
each time
you kiss my forrid.


-- Eleanor

I spent all night crying
All morning grieving
And missing
Someone
Who didn't miss me
Half as much
As I him.

F.Z.N

You drilled holes on my skin
And peeked at my within.


F.Z.**N