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Nikita Aug 2018
Don't become stuck
Reminiscing
Years will pass
before you realize
it's the present you've been missing
Nikita Jul 2018
Why can't I remember?
I'm blocking it, why can't I just-

Who hur-

Where did it-

Why would they-



Sorry, what were we talking about?
I was told that my little sister and I were *****. I was 6, she was 3. I can't remember. It hurts. I have questions, but no answers, no justice.
Nikita May 2015
You've never seen a mind but you know it exists.
I guess that's the same with faith.
Nikita May 2015
When I see you
I get excited, uncomfortable and sad
All at once.
Nikita Sep 2015
I don't want to lose you
But I'm scared
That you will never talk to me again
That I'll never hug you again

And I'm terrifyed
Completely terrifyed
That you aren't scared
That you wouldn't mind if we never crossed paths again
That you could happily live on knowing I died

All I've ever wanted to be is a hero
I want to be a good person
A kind person

But to you Im a monster
Im the villian and far from being a good person
I just want my mum back.
Nikita May 2015
People who are cruel make me feel ill
Do you get anything out of beating that poor soul?
Do you feel better now for taking advantage of a drunk girl?

You should feel sick to your stomach
Because you if you are content with being abusive
Then you are content with being a **monster
Nikita May 2015
Good morning beautiful.
Can you hear the birds singing?
They  are  singing  for  you
Can see the sun shining?
Its  shining  for  you
Can you smell those flowers?
You are the reason they smell so nice
Can you feel my love?
Thats  only  for  you
Can you taste that spider?
You  ate  that  in  your  sleep.

XD
Hahah
Nikita Jul 2015
Creak
She froze in fear as
The floor boards beneath her feet threatened to crack
Her eyes darted from left to right
Looking to see if he was near
Before walking down the passage

She was extremely light on her feet
As though throughout her life she had nothing to eat
Her protruding ribcages confirm that
For someone who was shaking with fear
For someone who was malnurished
She seemed to be doing alright

Step
Creak
Freeze

Step
Creak
Freeze

She could see the door
The reflection of the door handle shined towards her
The light seeping through gave her too too much hope too soon

She began to sneak faster without freezing
When all of a sudden
She feels an ice cold breath on her shoulder
She froze
And that would be the last time she could freeze again
Nikita Jul 2015
Sunsets remind me that there is still such thing as a beautiful ending
Nikita May 2015
Good night
Sleep tight
Rest in peace for you're dead in your dreams

Take this poem how you like
But I urge you to step away from the knife

Life isn't that bad you know
Sure, there will be challenges so hard that you just want to give up
But don't
Stay here with me instead

Don't give up
I need you to be strong
Not everything's wrong

Don't be a quiter

If you need to lean
Lean on me
Just remember that when you fall
I will fall too

Stay strong
Stay strong for me
Because tonight I want to fall asleep knowing you will be alive and leaning on me tomorrow

✳Rather than to find myself falling with you ✳
Someone will always be falling with you
Someone will always care
Think twice before you put them in such despair
No
Nikita May 2015
No
Play  with  my  hair
Not  my  feelings
:p
Nikita May 2015
Night is so much better.
Fresher air ≈
Brighter stars ♦
Tighter hugs ♪

Its the only time I feel truely awake.
Nikita Sep 2019
Tell me why
The children of Africa are brung up
Only when I try to scream for help

Tell me why
An echoe implodes inside my mind
Nothing is wrong, its all a show

Like white draped over corpses
Your comparisons muffle my cries

A broken leg is still a broken leg
After a thousand broken necks

So

Depression is still depression
After a couple of sadistic ******
Nikita Jun 2015
The world is slowly changing
Can you feel it?

The wind is slowly shifting
Can you hear it?

The earth is slowly turning
Can you see it?

Of course you can't
Because all you care about is yourself.
Nikita Jun 2020
Oh hello.
What’s your name?
That’s nice. Do you sing?
No kidding.
Oh me? Not me.
My voice shrills and kills until it...
Sorry. Did I just-?
Never mind. Yeah, okay.
I’d love that.
See you next weekend?
Great. Wait...
Before you go-?
Can you promise?
You do? Oh, you do.
It’s just- It’s just that I find it...
Great. Amazing. Wonderful.
Have fun- With her. Yeah.
Cool. Later.
A conversation in a time, space and with characters of your own creation. Feel free to reinvent the story until it makes sense to you.
Nikita May 2015
You say your there for me
But why do I feel so alone
Nikita Jul 2018
With you, I'm meant to feel safe

But when I see you
I see him
and I flinch
Nikita May 2015
I'd be so done if someone I knew could read minds.

XD
Well ****.
Nikita Jun 2015
I dont understand what's so wrong with me
Why others are always picked over me
Is it because im ugly?
Annoying?
Dumb?

I'm just one of those people that want everyone to like them or at least have friends who won't prefer someone else v.v
Nikita Jul 2015
Another one
Another person dying
Another story
Another smile
Another tale
I dont know if I can cope
I feel as though Im not even drowning anymore
More like allergic to oxygen.
Nikita Jan 2022
Seeping through the walls,
Slamming open doors,
Her past haunts her.

Her mouth is taped shut,
With a growling gut,
Shadows taunt her.

She knows that she's here,
With nothing to fear,
Her heart ignores her.

Her lungs force air,
Trying not to stare,
She's in control now.

Scuttering away,
The shadows decay,
Back into memory.
Battling psychosis with PTSD is terrifying but not impossible.
Nikita Aug 2015
The earths been around for approximately 46 billion years
Now lets turn that into 46 years
Humans have only been here for 4 hours
We've been here for less than a second
And yet look at our world now

We may not have been here long
But long enough to detroy the world we live in
Nikita May 2015
Who needs a relationship when you can have
*SUSHI
Nikita May 2015
A photo may say a thousand words but they lack as much meaning.
Nikita Mar 2021
Push me
Pull me
Shape me
And mould me

Invent me
Destroy me
Create me
Lie to me

Pack me
Wrap me
Seal me
Deliver me

No matter how hard
You try

No matter how much
You hurt

I will always shatter
Your image
High expectations and cookie cutter categories. **** that.
Nikita Jun 2015
Take one for this
Take one for that
Your mind isnt in bliss
Yet as flat as a mat

You cant think clearly
Everythings in a blurr
I almost fainted nearly
I thought pills were meant to work?

Rush in
Rush out

My head is felt feeling dazed and confused
As though drugs are my only muse

Cant think
Cant write
Cant listen
Cant fight

Feeling like a vegetable
But people dont understand
Because to them
They just think its all in my mind.
At least this is better than anxiety.
Nikita Jul 2015
When you smile at me its like you've shot me but with medicene instead of a bullet
Nikita Aug 2018
keep telling me how to
Act
Speak
Write
see how long until
the house you built
burns
to the f*cking ground
house is symbolic for self worth
Nikita Dec 2020
Stroke by stroke,
Oil glided onto the canvas.
With precision and ease,
She created her reflection.

Over time,
She grew impatient.
Gliding became stabbing.
Her reflection, distorted.

What was once graceful,
Was now forced.
Frustrated and torn,
She began to lose grip.

She turned her back on her creation.
As she walked away,
A faint cry floated towards her.
It whispered- don’t leave.

She was gone.

Stroke by stroke,
Oil glided onto the canvas.
With precision and ease,
She created another child.
My mother has five children to five different men. Each child is significantly different and is told different stories about themselves. My story was “You are smart but an ugly psychopath”.  This poem is my interpretation of her struggling with her identity as a mother and passing it onto her children who are symbolised as paintings.
Nikita Aug 2015
Purpose
We all have one I suppose
What are you here for?
Love? Madness? Money? Sadness?

Well Im here for the adventure
No, not jumping off cliffs
But to live each day not knowing what will come next
To improve, to upgrade
I feel as though Im also here to help, to heal but also to break and destroy
Because sometimes we are the lesson
To someone elses journey

We all have a purpose
Its just up to you to make it
Nikita May 2015
You.
Yes, you.
You are ******* perfect
From your smile to your frown
People adore you, I adore you.
Just remember that ♥
Nikita May 2015
The stories
O' the stories I could tell you about my life
The reasons why I'm so ******* up
But there's too many to tell
And after you may be ******* up aswell.
❇❇❇❇
Nikita Nov 2015
Over this past week
Everything has gone so well
Yet at the same time
Its been like hell

I'm either sky high
Or six feet under

This is too much
Im just trying to recover
Sick of this
Nikita Aug 2018
g l a d l y

Is 'DOORMAT'  s
                       t
                     r
                 u
             n
        g
from a label
at the top of my forehead?

s o r r y

Is my throat a magnet to emotion
machetes?


anxiety isn't my problem
c r u e l t y
is
Nikita Aug 2019
Chest full to the brim
Waterfalls spill over

You pick up the piece
There falls another

While bending to help
I see scissors on my lover
Laid in his hands
The blood provides cover

You cut out a piece
There falls another

With tired eyes
I look to you and say
"Thanks for putting me back together".
Its hard to see that someone is pulling you apart when all you can see is them putting you back together
Nikita Jun 2015
My room is a mess because Ive been raised to be comfortable with things that dont seem right.
Nikita May 2015
Fathers are supposed to protect you
Be there for you
But mine seems to think I'll ruin his life
The coward is still afraid of responsiblity even though its been sixteen years since he knocked up my mum.

He has three other kids you know
One whom died not so long ago
One who he also ditched at birth but he sees her now
And a tiny wee baby called Riley

I don't want to see that ****
But I'd do anything to meet that wee baby
I've seen photos and hes grown sooo much
And im glad that coward didn't run out on Riley because that baby deserves a father as much as the next person.

Hope to meet you one day little one ♥
Nikita Jun 2015
Money
Diamonds
Mansions
Ferraris
IPhones

None of this would matter if
I had no one to spend the money on
No one to give me the diamonds
No one to share the mansions with
No one to drive around with me
No one to call or text

What's the point of being a queen if you don't have a king
Nikita Dec 2015
"What almost killed me never made me stronger at all"
Nikita Jul 2021
In the distance
A light began to shine
Sitting on the porch
We waited curiously

A soft tap was heard
The tapping grew louder
As we exchanged glances
A lady’s voice called out to us

“Stop it” She yelled.

In the distance
The light grew brighter and hungrier
As quick as an engine roared to start
The roar just as quickly, came to a halt

Frustrated murmurs
Fists against glass
He wanted his keys
Leave her alone, please

I imagined the stench of his whiskey stained breath
As possible scenarios invaded my head
Was she safe? Was he drunk?

I asked these questions out loud
But I don’t remember any answers
Searching for them myself
I stumbled closer to the sound

Now she was screaming.
Don’t hurt me
Please don’t hurt me
There’s a baby

I had to help her.

Running back towards the group
No memory of talking to them
I’m sure that I did
I only remember

Gritting my teeth
Closing my eyes
Covering my ears
Trying to block out the sound

Her screams and cries for help
Slowly morphed and twisted
Into my brothers voice
His six year old voice

The tapping on the window
Became the rattling of a bunk bed
The woman’s screams and yelling
Became my baby brothers cries for help

I’ve gone backwards.
10 years.

It’s been three days since
I heard her yell
And three days since
his screams began

It’s been three hours since
I took the pill bottle
And three hours since
I put it down again
It was a painful night. I don’t think I can ever put into words how helpless I felt that night. No experience has ever felt as close to my childhood before. The police were called and I think that she’s okay. I’m okay now too thanks to my beautiful friends and partner.
Nikita May 2015
Screaming
Silence
Both*  mean  the  same  to  me
Its  not  like  anyone  can hear  my  pain

Not  that  I'd  want  them  to.
Nikita Jun 2015
Stop trying to find yourself
And start creating yourself
Nikita Jul 2015
Have you ever seen yourself
Have you ever actually realised how beautiful you really are
Of course you haven't
You've only seen captures
Glances
Relfections and fragments
Of who you really are

Maybe thats why you find it so hard to believe that to me
You are gorgeous no matter what you see
Nikita Jun 2015
Creating sympathy off someone elses pain bugs me
Some statuses I see.. -sighs-
Nikita Jun 2015
Have you ever wondered:
Why me?

Why did this happen to me and nobody else?

Well the truth is that it probably did happen to someone else, maybe even worse than the situation that you're in

So instead of asking "Why me?"

Start asking "How me?"
"How did this happen to me?"

Because the sooner you know that
The sooner you can learn from your mistakes
Nikita Sep 2020
To write of love
Is to be naked
To be seen

To be open
And vulnerable
It is terrifying
Nikita Sep 2020
When I grew up. I thought that to be respected, I needed to be strong. As hard as nails.

I believed that aggression was my friend, a friend that protected me from men.

Aggression was never a friend, just a women desperate for control. Over time she became a cancer, eating away at my sanity.

She brought chaos and raged storms when she was unsure of what to do.

When she is calm, she draws me detailed pictures of suicide and sings me sweet songs of deceit.

If only setting her free was something I was strong enough to do.
Nikita May 2015
Life is something we all share, Just like oxygen, in the air. The way we live it, is up to us, With a negative or with a plus.

Life is something, we should cherish, We never know, when we'll perish. Live each and every single day, Smell the flowers, stop and play.

Life is something, we've been blessed, Choice is yours, choose your quest. Follow your passions, and you'll be fine, With the right attitude, you will shine.
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