[do you have a suggestion?]

my brother pauses, turning to me;
"because you're full of great suggestions,
but you always say them too late."

he means no harm by it,
yet how do i put a name to this silence?
shutting up in compliance?

       —i shoved cotton down my throat,
       now i can't breathe—

when did the echo become louder than the scream?
maybe it was vegas, twenty-nineteen.
maybe I was never allowed to dream.

how do i speak my voice back into existence then,
when i can no longer remember its sound?
whispers, snuffed out so many times i've lost count.

[i forget.]

puzzle me this, mr. jigsaw:
when did you cut me down?
why did i step on your block?
if i did, why would i bow my head
and trade my peace to you
to be another piece of you?

i know the rest: i was born dead
and life is what you poured for me
a glass of bitter shackles and a path
of brittle bravery

i walk your walk, i talk your talk,
i wear your shirt across too much gut
and not enough guts

i bob my head to your tune,
my heart beats to your beats,
my addiction is your beast,
the monkey on my back called
fitting in

Floating brazier spews electric amber waves
as a setting sun radiates on the ceiling
a shadow of a ship coquettishly sways
while in the center charybdis begins swilling

another message, another missed call
another debt collector and his esurient talk
watch the ship begin to swirl, this scene so banal
amber feathered tawny eyed peacock

continues furtively to scroll her story and shoe shop
crowded room with a panel onstage
reality and fantasy evaporate and fall as a single raindrop
drown in the muck, don't know how to disengage

and to stay in the sway of fantasy.

hurting, breaking, destroying defiance.

i’m draining away in the midst of compliance.

Many acts of generous offerings
Tender words of helpless mutterings
Expressing in words
Show of kindness
Didn't dismiss of a warm compassion
All have returned of pure compliance

the stones are thrown
the flock transforms
from sheep to wolves
to eat their own

no more
i can't do it

you can't understand
how much strain i put on my mind just to make you happy
and in the end
you only make.......
see?
i'm afraid to even say how i feel
on a poem you may never read
because if you do
you may find out
and resent me

that is much like our conversations
filtered again and again
watching my every word
just
to
make
you
happy.
i'll do it a million times a day
and yet it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

no more
i can't do it

i'm willing to do anything for you
that doesn't mean i should.
if i did what i should;
would i let you do what you want,
much like the incubi of my past?
would i silence myself,
just to hear a bittersweet sentence from your mouth?
would i sacrifice my time, my precious time, which i had promised for life's responsibilities?
no. but i don't do what i should, so it's okay.

or is it?

...

no more
i can't do it