Its getting more and more difficult to breathe
Maybe its just my mind
But something tells me Im not as healthy as I seem.

My chest tightens
I freeze
I get scared and cry easier
If you really understood what anxiety
Felt like
Then you wouldnt be so mean.

Green eyes
Blue eyes
Brown eyes
Hazel eyes
Yellow eyes
Turquoise eyes
Deep eyes
Dark eyes
Detailed eyes
Simple eyes
Light eyes

I dont know about you but they are all incredibly beautiful to me

Instead of focusing on someones appreance, just focus on their eyes because you'll be sure to fall in love with them forever

Ice crawls across the window pane,
As I sigh,
The warmth of my breath
Creates a cloud of whiskey stained air.

Outside, the wind screams.
It howls like a dog,
Desperate to be let in.
Desperate to escape the cold.

With a flash of light,
Howling turns to yelling
And the knocks of the wind
Suddenly turn into
Knocks of a fist against a drywall.

Thud. Crash.
Grab your popcorn.
The sounds of a storm,
Have pressed play.

Once again,
I’m taken back to a time
Where the storm is caused by a man
Not the sky.

As you breathe out
I **** in
Wondering
Where all my life
have you been?

Maybe
Just maybe
If I looked better
Maybe life would be easier?

Its weird
I want you but I don't
I need you but I can survive on my own
I love you but I love you enough to know I shouldn't

Im so confused
Im so lost
I care so much but so less
None of this makes any sense

Can you just make it clear
Clear enough for me to hear
Whether you're just as confused or that Im just in the wrong state of mind.

Beat me
I'd rather you beat me with your fists
Than talk at me with cursed sentences
Because your punches would'nt hurt nearly as much
As the pain you've caused with those words

"I've lost track of the amount of times I've given up
But im still here
So don't ever call me weak"

When the fridge is so far away but you crave the munchies.

Im over long distance relationships

I see the way you look past me
Through me
Over me
And around me

As though I don't exsist

But thats typical
Of course I don't exsist
The only girls that catch your attention are the ones that catch your eye

Im not pretty
I get that
But sometimes I just wish that I was

Your voice is like music
As precious as gold
And incredibly addictive

But sadly even the best music gets old.

I used to be so bubbly
I used to be so happy
So carefree
So free of misery

Now
Laughing is a struggle
Smiling is a mask
All I seem to do is choke up and fail

I used to be so smart
Such a bright girl
Such a clever girl

Now
I can barely think
Stress and disappointment seem to be the only things Im smart enough to know are a problem

I used to feel pretty
I used to feel loved

Now
I see eyes glance over me as though Im nothing
I see stares and glares
And if I am so loved then why I am so alone?

I used to be enthusiastic
I used to be the first to volunteer

Now
Im too scared to even get out of my chair
Anxiety eats me alive if I even draw the smallest attention to myself

I know that you don't care
But maybe you can relate
To old me
That I could appreciate

You don’t care enough to fight for me
I care so much that I don’t fight for myself

You say you have to sort yourself out
That you don’t want a relationship with me
But you still want me around?

I hope you sort yourself out
I hope you realise you want me when it’s too late to have me
I hope that you realise you love me when I love myself so much that I don’t need your attention

You’re a young boy
You have a heart of gold but your laziness over time got old
Youre going through a lot and so I am
We need time to find ourselves
I just hope that I also find myself away from the phone when I’m sad and alone

Every first message, every “I miss you” makes me feel more and more desperate and pathetic for a love and acceptance that I was never given

It’s not your fault that I lack love
Why should he have to fill a hole he never dug?

I need to do that for me
I need to do the filling on my own

So that I can be proud of myself and love myself

I’ve been filling my hole for a while why should I hand the shovel over for fives minutes?
Why should I give away sole credit for my resilience?

I’m not a project
Why am so palming off to-do lists to whoever gives me love

I didn’t need love then
I don’t need love now
I’m learning to love myself and until then I’ll share that with who deserves to be around

Sick of being the ugly friend
Sick of being the friend noone cares about
Sick of being the friend that has to try because noone else makes an effort
Sick of trying to help but being taken for granted
Sick of being the friend that always walks on the grass
Sick of being the friend thats last to get invited
Sick of being the friend that gets mad fun of constantly
Sick of being the friend that gets chosen last
Sick of being the friend that gets walked all over

Sick of being
Ignored
Invisable
Talked over
Pushed away
Used

Because I can only take so much
Soon I wont even be your friend at all

But I guess you wouldnt even notice

It may sound cheesy but its the truth
Things will get better in time I promise you

There will always be a rainbow after a storm, you just have to look hard enough

There will always be people willing to help, including myself

You are all so unique
You are all gorgeous

Just promise me this

That you wont end your life
Because of a bad day

You claim to be friendly and caring
But theres a difference
Between disliking someone
And being a bully.

Dressing up isnt me
It makes me feel like an object

Yes, I like to look nice
Yes, I care about what I look like
But it's the constant worrying of not looking good enough that gets me

What to wear
What to say
What do I do with my hair
What do I do with my face

My name is Nikita
I am 19

I was 6
when he ***** me
my sister was 3

I was 7
when I realized I'm human

I was 10
when he killed my dog in front of me

I was 12
when he played strip poker with me

I was 13
when he attempted suicide

3pm, in the next room

I was 14
when I leaned out the ledge of a bridge

Fast forward to 19

I'm alive
I'm safe
I'm strong

Good night marmite
Sweet dreams sugar beams

Have a good sleep lady bo peep
See ya later alligator

Hope to see you soon pretty moon

A  beautiful  suicide  kit.

Drama
Chaos

Raised with it
Raised for it

I want to be kind
I want to have a sweet mind

But forever I will always be what my parents raised me to be

Love can breathe life
Bring life
Be life

If you can love yourself enough
To believe love

I hoped that you’d protect me from myself

I never thought I’d have to protect myself from you

Sick of feeling ugly
Sick of feeling below everyone else
I just want to look desirable
I want to wear no makeup and be able to smile
I want to look in the mirror without expecting it to crack

I want to be loved
For who I am
The way I look

But if the sayings true
That I have to love myself before you do
Then I guess Ill always be an alone mess

Her breath forms beautiful icicles on the blood-stained window, her pale body lays in horrifying grace

Sunk in cheeks
Charcoal eyes
Her soul empty
gone.
Nothings left.

She feels only a slight tug as his fist curves into her fragile skull once again, smashing her petite figure into the window.

shatter
the beautiful icicle is exploded into a millon pieces and so the glass.

As her tired face hits the window sil
You can almost feel the break of her jaw as it crushes beneath the weight of his tremendous blow.

Her eyes are still open

But she is now completely gone

The last of her life shattered away with the icicle formed by her last breath.

v.v

It wouldve been easy
Quick
Done
But I couldnt bring myself to do it
Not when its not only my emotions at stake

I may not be good at poems but I do love telling a good story.

Id rather love a cactus
It'd hurt less

Life isn't about finding yourself
Its about creating yourself

The wall clock ticks like the timer on a bomb.
I can't stop it, reverse it or slow it down.
Each tick drags me forward, helpless and nervous to the allotted time.
I can no more avoid it than the beating of my own heart as it pounds with futility against it's cage of bone and cartilage.
The dread is an invisible demon sitting heavy on my shoulders and only I can hear the sharpening of it's knives.
I sweat and become pale, then the tremor in my hands begins.

"Noone cares unless your pretty or dying"
Well even then, people turn away from the dying.
Even then, pretty people are abused, used and thrown away.

The truth is
That noone cares unless theres something in it for them.

I used to have a depressed bipolar and strange step dad
I have nothing against depression or bipolar and strange people
But this guy made me hate humanity

He was munipulative and agressive

He would beat us and then tell my mum it was an accident

We were only 4-9 years old, we weren't going to speak up.

The thing that gets me is that he managed to get my mother to love him so much, that no matter what he did
She would believe his lies

She would choose him over us

I actually hated her at one stage

But one day we come home and hes gone.
Pills are laying on the bed
Alot of them.
And half of the packages were empty.

My mum freaked
She stayed up all night worrying
And worrying
And worrying
About that *******

When finally at four in the morning
One of her calls is finally answered by his phone
Its a woman that answers
She says "hello"
"Oh uh okay, let me get him for you."
"Baby theres someone on the phone for you"

My mum hangs up before she talks to him..
The ******* **** faked his own death to run away with another woman


And if I ever see him again
Id be glad to beat the **** out of him

My mum was like pretty upset for a year but moved on after that
It was hard for her
It was hard for everyone

But Im pretty glad hes out of our lives now.

If you touch me
Do it gently
If you hug me
Do it tightly
If you leave me
Do it quickly
If you stay with me
Do it forever.

Confused
I really like you
I enjoy being with you
But I'm not as excited to see you as I was with the rest

I don't know why
I want to be excited
I want to be all giggly and girly about you

But for some reason I just cant.