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Sep 3 · 66
Frozen
Nikita Sep 3
Explaining the feeling
Of feeling frozen
Is like explaining to a child
Why people hurt
There is no delicate way
To describe the intensity
The entrapment

Words trapped in my throat
My body wrapped in invisible rope
As though a man at each side
Pulls the rope tighter
And tighter

You want me to explain?
Honey, I can’t explain
Something I also don’t know
Paralysed in pain is my common reaction when I’m trying to process something painful to me.
Aug 20 · 368
Blessing or Curse?
Nikita Aug 20
To feel
All and intensely
To care
Fully and endlessly

Is it weak?
Or is a strength?

Confusion fogging my mind,
I struggle to accept my empathy
For people
For situations
Not relevant to my own
But relevant enough
To consume me
In second hand grief

I’m drowning
Yet emerging

Can I handle these emotions
And still support those in need?

It’s a question I constantly ponder.
With another outbreak,
It’s a question I need to answer.
Jul 12 · 253
Saturday Night
Nikita Jul 12
In the distance
A light began to shine
Sitting on the porch
We waited curiously

A soft tap was heard
The tapping grew louder
As we exchanged glances
A lady’s voice called out to us

“Stop it” She yelled.

In the distance
The light grew brighter and hungrier
As quick as an engine roared to start
The roar just as quickly, came to a halt

Frustrated murmurs
Fists against glass
He wanted his keys
Leave her alone, please

I imagined the stench of his whiskey stained breath
As possible scenarios invaded my head
Was she safe? Was he drunk?

I asked these questions out loud
But I don’t remember any answers
Searching for them myself
I stumbled closer to the sound

Now she was screaming.
Don’t hurt me
Please don’t hurt me
There’s a baby

I had to help her.

Running back towards the group
No memory of talking to them
I’m sure that I did
I only remember

Gritting my teeth
Closing my eyes
Covering my ears
Trying to block out the sound

Her screams and cries for help
Slowly morphed and twisted
Into my brothers voice
His six year old voice

The tapping on the window
Became the rattling of a bunk bed
The woman’s screams and yelling
Became my baby brothers cries for help

I’ve gone backwards.
10 years.

It’s been three days since
I heard her yell
And three days since
his screams began

It’s been three hours since
I took the pill bottle
And three hours since
I put it down again
It was a painful night. I don’t think I can ever put into words how helpless I felt that night. No experience has ever felt as close to my childhood before. The police were called and I think that she’s okay. I’m okay now too thanks to my beautiful friends and partner.
May 18 · 374
Watermelon
Nikita May 18
As sweet as candy
Don’t you think watermelons dandy?

It’s got seeds
It’s nice and fresh
It’s green

There’s no other fruit in sight
I’d like to eat
May 18 · 199
Dirt
Nikita May 18
Tight in my grip
I feel your nails slip
Digging deep
Digging hard
She says to me
He left me a card
May 18 · 173
Smoke
Nikita May 18
As you breathe out
I **** in
Wondering
Where all my life
have you been?
May 18 · 288
Drive
Nikita May 18
Roll forward
Clench the cutch
I look at you and
How I love you so much
May 18 · 216
Wind
Nikita May 18
Push me
Blow against my skin
Ptsd you win
Mar 28 · 99
Picture Perfect
Nikita Mar 28
Push me
Pull me
Shape me
And mould me

Invent me
Destroy me
Create me
Lie to me

Pack me
Wrap me
Seal me
Deliver me

No matter how hard
You try

No matter how much
You hurt

I will always shatter
Your image
High expectations and cookie cutter categories. **** that.
Mar 28 · 227
The Right To Love
Nikita Mar 28
As cold as ice,
Their touch left me
Alone.

Comfortable with invisibility,
I mistook love
For a stranger in my home.

As warm as light,
His company left me
Scared.

Familiar with invisibility,
I mistook love
With something that I feared.

As bright as fire,
The gaze from his eyes left me
Reassured.

Comfortable with closeness,
I now know how true love
Should really feel.
When we are used to being treated neglectfully, we often search for partners that reflect this. We become so comfortable with loneliness that kindness is a foreign and terrifying thing. We can often become doubtful and insecure when someone cares for us the way no one else has. Rather than questioning and pushing this love away, we should embrace the kindness we all deserve.
Dec 2020 · 321
Project
Nikita Dec 2020
Stroke by stroke,
Oil glided onto the canvas.
With precision and ease,
She created her reflection.

Over time,
She grew impatient.
Gliding became stabbing.
Her reflection, distorted.

What was once graceful,
Was now forced.
Frustrated and torn,
She began to lose grip.

She turned her back on her creation.
As she walked away,
A faint cry floated towards her.
It whispered- don’t leave.

She was gone.

Stroke by stroke,
Oil glided onto the canvas.
With precision and ease,
She created another child.
My mother has five children to five different men. Each child is significantly different and is told different stories about themselves. My story was “You are smart but an ugly psychopath”.  This poem is my interpretation of her struggling with her identity as a mother and passing it onto her children who are symbolised as paintings.
Dec 2020 · 231
Thank You
Nikita Dec 2020
Everyday
You would shout
Scream
And belt.

With each word
You drove a sword through
My child mind

Thank you for the wounds
Thank you for the insults

Without your fierce
Sad and insecure stabs

I’d never be so determined
To be the exact opposite
Of who you think I am.
Nov 2020 · 220
Dove
Nikita Nov 2020
Knotted in my throat,
My breathe lifts me up.

My toes curl inwards,
A laugh escapes my mouth.

There’s something about the air,
Something that moves me around.

Like a puppet on a string,
I sway carelessly to the sound.

Letting this feeling carry me,
Weight falls from my shoulders.

No pressure.
No judgement.
Just free.
Oct 2020 · 164
Let go
Nikita Oct 2020
My wrists are limp.
Pearlescent and painful,
Imprints of rope have been
Tattooed into my skin.

I’m not one to let go.
Frantic and hopeless,
I’m a clinger.

To be seen and heard,
It’s what I deserve.

But I don’t notice.
I don’t believe I’m seen.
I don’t believe I’m heard.

So I hold on,
Hoping.
That all while I saw at the rope,
You will mend it back together.

But you’re tired,
I can see that.
I’ve seen it for a while.

I wanted to stop sawing.
I needed to let go.
I’m sorry.

Now,
You’ve cut the rope fully.
I can finally fall,
Free.
Oct 2020 · 151
Cookie Cutter
Nikita Oct 2020
Pull me
Push me
Force me
And trap me

Build me
Create me
Destroy me
Lie to me

Wrap me
Seal me
Deliver me
And ship me

No matter how much
You try

No matter how much
It hurts

I will escape
Categories, labels and boxes. Don’t stifle who I am. I am not a women to be silenced.
Sep 2020 · 228
She’ll Kill Me
Nikita Sep 2020
When I grew up. I thought that to be respected, I needed to be strong. As hard as nails.

I believed that aggression was my friend, a friend that protected me from men.

Aggression was never a friend, just a women desperate for control. Over time she became a cancer, eating away at my sanity.

She brought chaos and raged storms when she was unsure of what to do.

When she is calm, she draws me detailed pictures of suicide and sings me sweet songs of deceit.

If only setting her free was something I was strong enough to do.
Sep 2020 · 1.4k
Shame
Nikita Sep 2020
To write of love
Is to be naked
To be seen

To be open
And vulnerable
It is terrifying
Aug 2020 · 201
Sinister Cinema
Nikita Aug 2020
Ice crawls across the window pane,
As I sigh,
The warmth of my breath
Creates a cloud of whiskey stained air.

Outside, the wind screams.
It howls like a dog,
Desperate to be let in.
Desperate to escape the cold.

With a flash of light,
Howling turns to yelling
And the knocks of the wind
Suddenly turn into
Knocks of a fist against a drywall.

Thud. Crash.
Grab your popcorn.
The sounds of a storm,
Have pressed play.

Once again,
I’m taken back to a time
Where the storm is caused by a man
Not the sky.
PTSD in poetry
Jul 2020 · 589
Imprint
Nikita Jul 2020
It’s been two months
Two months
Since I
Heard your screams
Wiped your tears
Held you close
Two months
Since I gave you
Up

You begged
You pleaded
I had no choice
She’s your mother
I’m sorry
Jun 2020 · 988
Odd.
Nikita Jun 2020
Oh hello.
What’s your name?
That’s nice. Do you sing?
No kidding.
Oh me? Not me.
My voice shrills and kills until it...
Sorry. Did I just-?
Never mind. Yeah, okay.
I’d love that.
See you next weekend?
Great. Wait...
Before you go-?
Can you promise?
You do? Oh, you do.
It’s just- It’s just that I find it...
Great. Amazing. Wonderful.
Have fun- With her. Yeah.
Cool. Later.
A conversation in a time, space and with characters of your own creation. Feel free to reinvent the story until it makes sense to you.
Jun 2020 · 293
Why I Write Poetry
Nikita Jun 2020
Like the rage
Of a thousand winds
My mind spins
To and fro again

Similar to the wind
The mess inside my head
Remains invisible
Yet violent

Sometimes I wonder why
We have warnings
For tornadoes in the sky
But not a glance
Towards the hurricanes
That dwell inside

But when I picked up a pen
I began to wonder again

I thought of all the wreckage both leave behind
And realised the reason why

A tornado in the sky
Will leave wreckage for both you and I

A tornado in my mind
Will leave wreckage that only I will find

So while I pick up the mess of a thousand men
I will also pick up my pen.
Apr 2020 · 272
Fire
Nikita Apr 2020
Wrap your arms around me
Let’s trade you say
A thousand kisses
For a thousand burns

Let’s dance you say
Instead I bow
I flail, fall and pray
Please, please, oh please

Wake up.
The flames no longer tickle
You no longer want to dance or play
The burns singe my skin, dark and brittle

Check mate.
It’s over.
You’ve won.
You always do.

I never wanted to hurt you.
I’m.
So.
Sorry.
Passion or aggression? It’s a question I ask myself daily. What price am I willing to pay to have a voice?
Mar 2020 · 271
The Lamp
Nikita Mar 2020
The soft glow of a lamp
Carved from the earth
Reminds me
Of the warmth
You used to show me

From your tight, loving hugs
That whispered
Stay here
You’re safe here

To your light forehead kisses
That sung
I love you
I care about you

I am now
Left cold
Reaching for a head that is not there

I am now
Left with a lamp
A reminder of you
Mar 2020 · 393
Love
Nikita Mar 2020
You’re back
You’re back and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Will you please-

Your words sing to me
Your laughter ignites something within me
I feel light
I feel safe
I feel at home with you

You’re here
You’re here and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Please, will you love me?
Really?
Mar 2020 · 269
A Series - 1
Nikita Mar 2020
Born with the legs of a baby deer
I sprung to my feet,
Running not from a wolf, not from a bear,
But from a young women
Who raised children with fear

I dived into the room
The one with purple walls,
closed curtains and a box full of dolls

Swallowed by the dark
I was an appetiser
For the shadows yet to come

Looming over the bed frame
Her voice distorted
Her body stretched

In a second, she switched from
A mother to a monster
One with miserable, red eyes
I am recollecting memories of my childhood. This is my series; my story.
Nikita Dec 2019
You don’t care enough to fight for me
I care so much that I don’t fight for myself

You say you have to sort yourself out
That you don’t want a relationship with me
But you still want me around?

I hope you sort yourself out
I hope you realise you want me when it’s too late to have me
I hope that you realise you love me when I love myself so much that I don’t need your attention

You’re a young boy
You have a heart of gold but your laziness over time got old
Youre going through a lot and so I am
We need time to find ourselves
I just hope that I also find myself away from the phone when I’m sad and alone

Every first message, every “I miss you” makes me feel more and more desperate and pathetic for a love and acceptance that I was never given

It’s not your fault that I lack love
Why should he have to fill a hole he never dug?

I need to do that for me
I need to do the filling on my own

So that I can be proud of myself and love myself

I’ve been filling my hole for a while why should I hand the shovel over for fives minutes?
Why should I give away sole credit for my resilience?

I’m not a project
Why am so palming off to-do lists to whoever gives me love

I didn’t need love then
I don’t need love now
I’m learning to love myself and until then I’ll share that with who deserves to be around
Sep 2019 · 258
NOT ENOUGH
Nikita Sep 2019
Tell me why
The children of Africa are brung up
Only when I try to scream for help

Tell me why
An echoe implodes inside my mind
Nothing is wrong, its all a show

Like white draped over corpses
Your comparisons muffle my cries

A broken leg is still a broken leg
After a thousand broken necks

So

Depression is still depression
After a couple of sadistic ******
Sep 2019 · 259
Kitchen knife
Nikita Sep 2019
Preparing dinner
Tying a knot
Swallowing medicine
Running a bath
Driving a car

Tools to live with
Tools to take life with
I want to block out the difference
Sep 2019 · 308
Kiwi killer
Nikita Sep 2019
Flax blades
Howling birds
The tears of strangled mountains

Flip a coin
The land of the long white cloud
A sun so bright
The shadows are buried
7 feet below
Alongside those whose eyes
Were convinced
The coin only flipped one side
Suicide rates in New Zealand have doubled this year. Its a sad and tragic statistic that reflects kiwis struggle with mental health
Aug 2019 · 471
Repair
Nikita Aug 2019
Chest full to the brim
Waterfalls spill over

You pick up the piece
There falls another

While bending to help
I see scissors on my lover
Laid in his hands
The blood provides cover

You cut out a piece
There falls another

With tired eyes
I look to you and say
"Thanks for putting me back together".
Its hard to see that someone is pulling you apart when all you can see is them putting you back together
Aug 2019 · 410
B-b-b-busy
Nikita Aug 2019
I have work to do
I have people to see
My rooms a mess
My shows on TV

I have to leave
I have to leave

I'm just so sorry

Just breathe
Just breathe

Hold me a little tighter
Love me a little longer
Plan for me
Care for me
Protect me

Maybe then, I won't be so b-b-b...
Broken
Aug 2019 · 400
Drowning
Nikita Aug 2019
I can feel it in my chest

When I see her face
When I hear her name

If her face was mine
And my body was fine

Would you pull me up when I sink below the two metre diving line?
Jun 2019 · 322
12 month winter
Nikita Jun 2019
I love you
I can feel that you don't feel the same
The same way you can feel someone is watching
How can you convince me?
You simply can't
You could love me more than spring loves  bloom
And I'd still be looking for hints that it's still winter
Jun 2019 · 309
Lilac Thieves
Nikita Jun 2019
When the sun rolls her eyes
A soft whisper reminds him
You’re home free once you lay inside

Barbed wires and lilac thieves
He's cloaked from head to toe
The Promised Land saws at his knees

Raising her head, she cries
Only not for stars or dreams
But to fill as though she is ten, not five

It’s the destination, not the journey they say
Preaching as though you don’t have soil to stay

Listening into the black and white picture screen
Ripples draped in red
They are not called she, he, only thing

Stripped of
Care
Consideration
Left less than animals

Tell me again why you believe this man covered in cloth
Is any less than the man who hides behind a rock
'A refugee is someone who has been forced to flee his or her country because of persecution, war or violence. A refugee has a well-founded fear of persecution for reasons of race, religion, nationality, political opinion or membership in a particular social group. Most likely, they cannot return home or are afraid to do so.'

https://www.unrefugees.org/refugee-facts/what-is-a-refugee/
Oct 2018 · 436
Clean slate
Nikita Oct 2018
Waiting for a blow that never comes
It was right
It was the right choice
Sep 2018 · 807
Honey, Help Me
Nikita Sep 2018
The decision was final
But it wasn't mine.

An empty womb
An empty tomb

Not sure if it was their death
or mine?
Aug 2018 · 681
Memories
Nikita Aug 2018
Don't become stuck
Reminiscing
Years will pass
before you realize
it's the present you've been missing
Aug 2018 · 731
yinyang and goodbye
Nikita Aug 2018
tug of war
at each end of my mind
one saying stay
and
one saying fight

each time stay wins
I'm paralyzed

each time fight wins
I'm antagonized

but when I'm stuck
in the center
_

I'd rather just
cut the rope altogether

~ ~
Aug 2018 · 1.2k
Politely
Nikita Aug 2018
keep telling me how to
Act
Speak
Write
see how long until
the house you built
burns
to the f*cking ground
house is symbolic for self worth
Aug 2018 · 450
Tricks are for children
Nikita Aug 2018
Love can breathe life
Bring life
Be life

If you can love yourself enough
To believe love
Aug 2018 · 4.2k
we're human
Nikita Aug 2018
It's not the full moon
its the people
who
turn us into
monsters
Aug 2018 · 442
Remove
Nikita Aug 2018
g l a d l y

Is 'DOORMAT'  s
                       t
                     r
                 u
             n
        g
from a label
at the top of my forehead?

s o r r y

Is my throat a magnet to emotion
machetes?


anxiety isn't my problem
c r u e l t y
is
Aug 2018 · 27.2k
F*ck me over
Nikita Aug 2018
Lick my lips
Cradle my face
Gaze into my eyes
And tell me I'm safe
Aug 2018 · 308
?
Nikita Aug 2018
?
a crowd of seagulls
they orbit our head
not waiting to be freed
only waiting to be fed
they aren't fed
shine isn't food

a crowd of people
they orbit our world
not waiting to be fed
only waiting to be freed
they aren't freed
shine isn't wealth
Financial consumption
Aug 2018 · 795
Exposure
Nikita Aug 2018
Make me your art
your game
Make me your leisure
your name

Crystalise me with beauty
drape me
With shackles and chains
until I bleed enough
To cry out your name
Jul 2018 · 278
You
Nikita Jul 2018
You
A daisy six feet under
Who are you babe?
Jul 2018 · 5.9k
This isn't me
Nikita Jul 2018
My name is Nikita
I am 19

I was 6
when he ***** me
my sister was 3

I was 7
when I realized I'm human

I was 10
when he killed my dog in front of me

I was 12
when he played strip poker with me

I was 13
when he attempted suicide

3pm, in the next room

I was 14
when I leaned out the ledge of a bridge

Fast forward to 19

I'm alive
I'm safe
I'm strong
The list goes on. A list of healing scars. I'm proud of me and you should be proud of you too.
Jul 2018 · 1.1k
Old House
Nikita Jul 2018
With you, I'm meant to feel safe

But when I see you
I see him
and I flinch
Jul 2018 · 976
Tainted Glass
Nikita Jul 2018
The mirror is just a broken lens
Broken
not by you, but by others
Causing more than
five years of bad luck

Without even touching the mirror
Body Dysmorphic Disorder is more common than people like to admit.
Jul 2018 · 982
Memory
Nikita Jul 2018
Why can't I remember?
I'm blocking it, why can't I just-

Who hur-

Where did it-

Why would they-



Sorry, what were we talking about?
I was told that my little sister and I were *****. I was 6, she was 3. I can't remember. It hurts. I have questions, but no answers, no justice.
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