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5d · 53
Let go
Nikita 5d
My wrists are limp.
Pearlescent and painful,
Imprints of rope have been
Tattooed into my skin.

I’m not one to let go.
Frantic and hopeless,
I’m a clinger.

To be seen and heard,
It’s what I deserve.

But I don’t notice.
I don’t believe I’m seen.
I don’t believe I’m heard.

So I hold on,
Hoping.
That all while I saw at the rope,
You will mend it back together.

But you’re tired,
I can see that.
I’ve seen it for a while.

I wanted to stop sawing.
I needed to let go.
I’m sorry.

Now,
You’ve cut the rope fully.
I can finally fall,
Free.
Oct 18 · 44
Cookie Cutter
Nikita Oct 18
Pull me
Push me
Force me
And trap me

Build me
Create me
Destroy me
Lie to me

Wrap me
Seal me
Deliver me
And ship me

No matter how much
You try

No matter how much
It hurts

I will escape
Categories, labels and boxes. Don’t stifle who I am. I am not a women to be silenced.
Sep 28 · 88
She’ll Kill Me
Nikita Sep 28
When I grew up. I thought that to be respected, I needed to be strong. As hard as nails.

I believed that aggression was my friend, a friend that protected me from men.

Aggression was never a friend, just a women desperate for control. Over time she became a cancer, eating away at my sanity.

She brought chaos and raged storms when she was unsure of what to do.

When she is calm, she draws me detailed pictures of suicide and sings me sweet songs of deceit.

If only setting her free was something I was strong enough to do.
Sep 28 · 1.3k
Shame
Nikita Sep 28
To write of love
Is to be naked
To be seen

To be open
And vulnerable
It is terrifying
Aug 19 · 127
Sinister Cinema
Nikita Aug 19
Ice crawls across the window pane,
As I sigh,
The warmth of my breath
Creates a cloud of whiskey stained air.

Outside, the wind screams.
It howls like a dog,
Desperate to be let in.
Desperate to escape the cold.

With a flash of light,
Howling turns to yelling
And the knocks of the wind
Suddenly turn into
Knocks of a fist against a drywall.

Thud. Crash.
Grab your popcorn.
The sounds of a storm,
Have pressed play.

Once again,
I’m taken back to a time
Where the storm is caused by a man
Not the sky.
PTSD in poetry
Jul 19 · 473
Imprint
Nikita Jul 19
It’s been two months
Two months
Since I
Heard your screams
Wiped your tears
Held you close
Two months
Since I gave you
Up

You begged
You pleaded
I had no choice
She’s your mother
I’m sorry
Jun 30 · 789
Odd.
Nikita Jun 30
Oh hello.
What’s your name?
That’s nice. Do you sing?
No kidding.
Oh me? Not me.
My voice shrills and kills until it...
Sorry. Did I just-?
Never mind. Yeah, okay.
I’d love that.
See you next weekend?
Great. Wait...
Before you go-?
Can you promise?
You do? Oh, you do.
It’s just- It’s just that I find it...
Great. Amazing. Wonderful.
Have fun- With her. Yeah.
Cool. Later.
A conversation in a time, space and with characters of your own creation. Feel free to reinvent the story until it makes sense to you.
Jun 24 · 191
Why I Write Poetry
Nikita Jun 24
Like the rage
Of a thousand winds
My mind spins
To and fro again

Similar to the wind
The mess inside my head
Remains invisible
Yet violent

Sometimes I wonder why
We have warnings
For tornadoes in the sky
But not a glance
Towards the hurricanes
That dwell inside

But when I picked up a pen
I began to wonder again

I thought of all the wreckage both leave behind
And realised the reason why

A tornado in the sky
Will leave wreckage for both you and I

A tornado in my mind
Will leave wreckage that only I will find

So while I pick up the mess of a thousand men
I will also pick up my pen.
Apr 9 · 212
Fire
Nikita Apr 9
Wrap your arms around me
Let’s trade you say
A thousand kisses
For a thousand burns

Let’s dance you say
Instead I bow
I flail, fall and pray
Please, please, oh please

Wake up.
The flames no longer tickle
You no longer want to dance or play
The burns singe my skin, dark and brittle

Check mate.
It’s over.
You’ve won.
You always do.

I never wanted to hurt you.
I’m.
So.
Sorry.
Passion or aggression? It’s a question I ask myself daily. What price am I willing to pay to have a voice?
Mar 26 · 204
The Lamp
Nikita Mar 26
The soft glow of a lamp
Carved from the earth
Reminds me
Of the warmth
You used to show me

From your tight, loving hugs
That whispered
Stay here
You’re safe here

To your light forehead kisses
That sung
I love you
I care about you

I am now
Left cold
Reaching for a head that is not there

I am now
Left with a lamp
A reminder of you
Mar 26 · 338
Love
Nikita Mar 26
You’re back
You’re back and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Will you please-

Your words sing to me
Your laughter ignites something within me
I feel light
I feel safe
I feel at home with you

You’re here
You’re here and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Please, will you love me?
Really?
Mar 22 · 212
A Series - 1
Nikita Mar 22
Born with the legs of a baby deer
I sprung to my feet,
Running not from a wolf, not from a bear,
But from a young women
Who raised children with fear

I dived into the room
The one with purple walls,
closed curtains and a box full of dolls

Swallowed by the dark
I was an appetiser
For the shadows yet to come

Looming over the bed frame
Her voice distorted
Her body stretched

In a second, she switched from
A mother to a monster
One with miserable, red eyes
I am recollecting memories of my childhood. This is my series; my story.
Nikita Dec 2019
You don’t care enough to fight for me
I care so much that I don’t fight for myself

You say you have to sort yourself out
That you don’t want a relationship with me
But you still want me around?

I hope you sort yourself out
I hope you realise you want me when it’s too late to have me
I hope that you realise you love me when I love myself so much that I don’t need your attention

You’re a young boy
You have a heart of gold but your laziness over time got old
Youre going through a lot and so I am
We need time to find ourselves
I just hope that I also find myself away from the phone when I’m sad and alone

Every first message, every “I miss you” makes me feel more and more desperate and pathetic for a love and acceptance that I was never given

It’s not your fault that I lack love
Why should he have to fill a hole he never dug?

I need to do that for me
I need to do the filling on my own

So that I can be proud of myself and love myself

I’ve been filling my hole for a while why should I hand the shovel over for fives minutes?
Why should I give away sole credit for my resilience?

I’m not a project
Why am so palming off to-do lists to whoever gives me love

I didn’t need love then
I don’t need love now
I’m learning to love myself and until then I’ll share that with who deserves to be around
Sep 2019 · 199
NOT ENOUGH
Nikita Sep 2019
Tell me why
The children of Africa are brung up
Only when I try to scream for help

Tell me why
An echoe implodes inside my mind
Nothing is wrong, its all a show

Like white draped over corpses
Your comparisons muffle my cries

A broken leg is still a broken leg
After a thousand broken necks

So

Depression is still depression
After a couple of sadistic ******
Sep 2019 · 204
Kitchen knife
Nikita Sep 2019
Preparing dinner
Tying a knot
Swallowing medicine
Running a bath
Driving a car

Tools to live with
Tools to take life with
I want to block out the difference
Sep 2019 · 219
Kiwi killer
Nikita Sep 2019
Flax blades
Howling birds
The tears of strangled mountains

Flip a coin
The land of the long white cloud
A sun so bright
The shadows are buried
7 feet below
Alongside those whose eyes
Were convinced
The coin only flipped one side
Suicide rates in New Zealand have doubled this year. Its a sad and tragic statistic that reflects kiwis struggle with mental health
Aug 2019 · 357
Repair
Nikita Aug 2019
Chest full to the brim
Waterfalls spill over

You pick up the piece
There falls another

While bending to help
I see scissors on my lover
Laid in his hands
The blood provides cover

You cut out a piece
There falls another

With tired eyes
I look to you and say
"Thanks for putting me back together".
Its hard to see that someone is pulling you apart when all you can see is them putting you back together
Aug 2019 · 338
B-b-b-busy
Nikita Aug 2019
I have work to do
I have people to see
My rooms a mess
My shows on TV

I have to leave
I have to leave

I'm just so sorry

Just breathe
Just breathe

Hold me a little tighter
Love me a little longer
Plan for me
Care for me
Protect me

Maybe then, I won't be so b-b-b...
Broken
Aug 2019 · 344
Drowning
Nikita Aug 2019
I can feel it in my chest

When I see her face
When I hear her name

If her face was mine
And my body was fine

Would you pull me up when I sink below the two metre diving line?
Jun 2019 · 293
12 month winter
Nikita Jun 2019
I love you
I can feel that you don't feel the same
The same way you can feel someone is watching
How can you convince me?
You simply can't
You could love me more than spring loves  bloom
And I'd still be looking for hints that it's still winter
Jun 2019 · 249
Lilac Thieves
Nikita Jun 2019
When the sun rolls her eyes
A soft whisper reminds him
You’re home free once you lay inside

Barbed wires and lilac thieves
He's cloaked from head to toe
The Promised Land saws at his knees

Raising her head, she cries
Only not for stars or dreams
But to fill as though she is ten, not five

It’s the destination, not the journey they say
Preaching as though you don’t have soil to stay

Listening into the black and white picture screen
Ripples draped in red
They are not called she, he, only thing

Stripped of
Care
Consideration
Left less than animals

Tell me again why you believe this man covered in cloth
Is any less than the man who hides behind a rock
'A refugee is someone who has been forced to flee his or her country because of persecution, war or violence. A refugee has a well-founded fear of persecution for reasons of race, religion, nationality, political opinion or membership in a particular social group. Most likely, they cannot return home or are afraid to do so.'

https://www.unrefugees.org/refugee-facts/what-is-a-refugee/
Oct 2018 · 399
Clean slate
Nikita Oct 2018
Waiting for a blow that never comes
It was right
It was the right choice
Sep 2018 · 775
Honey, Help Me
Nikita Sep 2018
The decision was final
But it wasn't mine.

An empty womb
An empty tomb

Not sure if it was their death
or mine?
Aug 2018 · 644
Memories
Nikita Aug 2018
Don't become stuck
Reminiscing
Years will pass
before you realize
it's the present you've been missing
Aug 2018 · 602
yinyang and goodbye
Nikita Aug 2018
tug of war
at each end of my mind
one saying stay
and
one saying fight

each time stay wins
I'm paralyzed

each time fight wins
I'm antagonized

but when I'm stuck
in the center
_

I'd rather just
cut the rope altogether

~ ~
Aug 2018 · 1.2k
Politely
Nikita Aug 2018
keep telling me how to
Act
Speak
Write
see how long until
the house you built
burns
to the f*cking ground
house is symbolic for self worth
Aug 2018 · 410
Tricks are for children
Nikita Aug 2018
Love can breathe life
Bring life
Be life

If you can love yourself enough
To believe love
Aug 2018 · 4.1k
we're human
Nikita Aug 2018
It's not the full moon
its the people
who
turn us into
monsters
Aug 2018 · 398
Remove
Nikita Aug 2018
g l a d l y

Is 'DOORMAT'  s
                       t
                     r
                 u
             n
        g
from a label
at the top of my forehead?

s o r r y

Is my throat a magnet to emotion
machetes?


anxiety isn't my problem
c r u e l t y
is
Aug 2018 · 25.4k
F*ck me over
Nikita Aug 2018
Lick my lips
Cradle my face
Gaze into my eyes
And tell me I'm safe
Aug 2018 · 272
?
Nikita Aug 2018
?
a crowd of seagulls
they orbit our head
not waiting to be freed
only waiting to be fed
they aren't fed
shine isn't food

a crowd of people
they orbit our world
not waiting to be fed
only waiting to be freed
they aren't freed
shine isn't wealth
Financial consumption
Aug 2018 · 746
Exposure
Nikita Aug 2018
Make me your art
your game
Make me your leisure
your name

Crystalise me with beauty
drape me
With shackles and chains
until I bleed enough
To cry out your name
Jul 2018 · 254
You
Nikita Jul 2018
You
A daisy six feet under
Who are you babe?
Jul 2018 · 5.8k
This isn't me
Nikita Jul 2018
My name is Nikita
I am 19

I was 6
when he ***** me
my sister was 3

I was 7
when I realized I'm human

I was 10
when he killed my dog in front of me

I was 12
when he played strip poker with me

I was 13
when he attempted suicide

3pm, in the next room

I was 14
when I leaned out the ledge of a bridge

Fast forward to 19

I'm alive
I'm safe
I'm strong
The list goes on. A list of healing scars. I'm proud of me and you should be proud of you too.
Jul 2018 · 1.1k
Old House
Nikita Jul 2018
With you, I'm meant to feel safe

But when I see you
I see him
and I flinch
Jul 2018 · 779
Tainted Glass
Nikita Jul 2018
The mirror is just a broken lens
Broken
not by you, but by others
Causing more than
five years of bad luck

Without even touching the mirror
Body Dysmorphic Disorder is more common than people like to admit.
Jul 2018 · 956
Memory
Nikita Jul 2018
Why can't I remember?
I'm blocking it, why can't I just-

Who hur-

Where did it-

Why would they-



Sorry, what were we talking about?
I was told that my little sister and I were *****. I was 6, she was 3. I can't remember. It hurts. I have questions, but no answers, no justice.
Jul 2018 · 315
It's real.
Nikita Jul 2018
Headaches
Come in all
Shapes
Sizes
Forms

Headaches
Come and
Go

They are tempory

Your pain
Is tempory too
We all have that voice that says we aren't sick, that we are acting. Mental illnesses are valid and they ******* us more than a broken leg ever could. With a broken leg we can't walk, but with a broken mind, crutches are harder to come by.
Jul 2018 · 817
I'm back babe
Nikita Jul 2018
one
two
three years
but who's counting?

i'm here now and i'm not leaving
I haven't been active on this account for three years. All I've done is get worse and spiral into depression. I need this outlet more than ever and as I embrace my past, I should embrace the arts too.
Dec 2015 · 2.6k
Sad irony
Nikita Dec 2015
"What almost killed me never made me stronger at all"
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
▪▫◾◽Why ◽◾▫▪
Nikita Dec 2015
Why do I still need to know you're okay to fall asleep?

Why do I still want to see you smile?

Why do I still think of you?

Even though, I know that I don't love you.
Dec 2015 · 606
Cautious
Nikita Dec 2015
"If a flower bloomed in a dark room
Would you trust it?"
Probably, it might be magical or something
Dec 2015 · 1.0k
Forgiving
Nikita Dec 2015
I may not be agressive or violent
But Im protective
So dont expect me to be kind to you
Don't except me to smile at you
Don't expect me to think high of you
If you've done wrong to one of my friends.
They may have seen passed your mistakes but I'm not so forgiving ✳
My friends are my family
Hurt them and you better watch your back "pal"
Nov 2015 · 1.8k
~medicine~
Nikita Nov 2015
Feeling forgotten
Feeling replaced
Im in a daze and feeling out of place

Need some people who want me around
I guess I just feel
Completely ignored

But I guess its just a taste of my own medicine
Nov 2015 · 456
Nikita Nov 2015
"Dont live the same day 75 times
and call it a life"
Live life to its fullest
Nov 2015 · 818
❇Can you tell me❇
Nikita Nov 2015
Can you tell me how it feels
To not care about a thing anymore?

Can you tell me how it is
That you seem so confident and not so insecure?

Can you tell me how to live
Without negativity by being positive?

Cause I can't see
The same light that you seem to see~
Nov 2015 · 487
❇Recover❇
Nikita Nov 2015
Over this past week
Everything has gone so well
Yet at the same time
Its been like hell

I'm either sky high
Or six feet under

This is too much
Im just trying to recover
Sick of this
Nov 2015 · 1.2k
❇Escape❇
Nikita Nov 2015
Tell me
Would you mind if  I slipped away for a while?
Would you be okay with my head forever lost in the clouds?

I don't want to leave you
I just want to leave this place

So if you want
you  can  join  me  in  my  *escape
Nov 2015 · 447
State of mind
Nikita Nov 2015
Its weird
I want you but I don't
I need you but I can survive on my own
I love you but I love you enough to know I shouldn't

Im so confused
Im so lost
I care so much but so less
None of this makes any sense

Can you just make it clear
Clear enough for me to hear
Whether you're just as confused or that Im just in the wrong state of mind.
Nov 2015 · 582
Blind~
Nikita Nov 2015
Everyone has a story so don't close your eyes just because you believe your story is worse or better because you'll get lost
Life isnt a competition, its a journey.
We need to help others or
Noone will be there to catch us when we fall
Because we were too busy focused on our own lives that we didnt even realise we were creating a social wall
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