I want to create silence with you
to know your crevices and patterns
your good intentions and bad habits
please be patient with me
I grew up learning to make a fortress out of my fears
to find comfort in inconsistency
I'm sorry if the way I built my walls ever makes it difficult to see
and if you don't want to stay say it now
because I'm starting to feel at home when you sit next to me
I'm not sure of much but I'm sure of you

I think the most important trait is to be teachable
to understand that sometimes you are wrong
that sometimes you don't know what is best
there will be times where you are hurt, others where you are the one doing the hurting
the cards you've been dealt don't take away your ability to break someone
you cannot use your pain as an excuse to be ignorant
understand it and rise above

I want to be the hand that you hold in the morning hours and not just when the fear of the dark submerges you
what is love if it's only in the shadows
I want to be the lips you chase and not to replace those you once knew but because you can't imagine the feeling of yours against anothers
I want to be your resting place, the soul that you're homesick for
I want my chest to be the dwelling your tired mind finds, as if this body was made just for you

I missed you before you were mine
dismal nights spent wondering what t-shirt clings to your back
& what it would feel like to wake up with it falling off my shoulder
but now your fingers keep getting tangled in my hair
& your skin fits mine like a puzzle piece
& my imagination never did you justice

I think I want to disappear for awhile
to sink in to myself and return a stranger to the one’s who think they know me best
I keep searching for another person to define me because I don’t know myself as well as I’d like
and the past can’t be changed, I’ve tried that
but it’s time to start forgiving it
all I know is this longing for change
all I know is this desperation for freedom from the weight of past transgressions

If you fall in love with yourself the way you want to be loved
you'll stop letting strangers take refuge in your body
a temporary home for a boy who doesn't care to understand you
If you could look at your reflection and find beauty in the spaces between your teeth
you'll learn lessons in the pieces of your shame
and you'll no longer feel safe in the arms of foreigners
your skin is your sanctuary
short-term visitors are not worthy of resting in it

I spend my nights in empty bed sheets
swallowing the words words I want to say
because it seems easier than admitting my fear
that no one will ever suit me quite as well as you
I dwell in all of our might've been's
until I'm drunk on all of the things you'll never hear
and my cheeks are stained with faded memories of you

to all the worlds inside of me I've tried to hide
for the sake of infatuation
boys like simplicity
so simple I will be
but who am I without my thoughts
who am I without metaphors for love
you want to trace the maps of my skin
without hearing of the places I've been
I refuse to soften myself
for your own indulgement

I always wondered about storms
if walking through the mud ever did anything besides ***** up my shoes
and make me think of what it's like to breathe without fear of being left behind
my dad always swore he loved me but I only remember him by bar stools and beer bottles
the sound of rain against windshields on the way to his house
was it my fault I've never seen him on my birthday?
the thing about storms is they never have mercy
they don't care about the one that swallowed you yesterday
and it rained for twenty days straight but I still wasn't clean

you kissed me until all of the pain evaporated
until the echoes of my past fell to a hush
quietly, suddenly the agony dissipated
like there was no room for it here
you repossessed the places my past called home
you called them yours and I called you mine

your body will sting when you remember his hands
and you'll start contaminating your skin with the touch of strangers hoping all remnants left of his finger-tips fade away
self-love sounds like a foreign language since he walked away
but loving yourself is a process, long overdue
his name is not a synonym for contentment
I know there is a longing deep within your bones and it feels as though he's the only person who could satisfy it
this is your body whispering that it is time to love it back
you are allowed to lay down your weapons and give up the war with yourself

the last time we talked I felt the pity in your words
you look at me like you might've broke me, like you're sorry I'm so fragile
but you don't get to think of me as weak
you don't get to look at what we had and think you tore me apart
not when you were the one afraid of it

It never mattered much that you weren't mind to hold
I have a bad habit of waiting for people to change their minds
and hoping I'll fall back into the arms of someone who was never meant to stay
It's always more the idea of someone than it is the person standing in front of me
so I spend my mornings listening to music that reminds me of you
pretending to know the boy I only wanted you to be

This is how it starts.
It's promises that feel like contracts and the feeling that this time, you got it right.
It's parking lot confessions and I like you so much it hurts.
It's I'm scared to lose you and you aren't even mine.
It's everything that's hurt has led me to you.
It's don't get out of the car, kiss me one more time.
I don't want to sleep without you tonight.
It's sunday morning.
It's a feeling in your stomach that makes you sick.
It's disappointment and it's why didn't I see this coming.
You don't want to feel it, but you can't help but drown in it.
It's bad timing.
It's do you still think of me?
It's 2 a.m.
It's don't answer that because I'm terrified of your response and ignorance is bliss.
It's bringing up memories that I should've put to rest the day you changed your mind.
It's crossing the street to avoid me.
It's my lip burning at the thought of never kissing you again.
It's I deleted your number and you're in a different city and I hope I never feel this much again.
This is how it ends.

I don't mean to use you as a safety net
because the truth is you deserve someone who feels the bed sheets beside them when you're not around as more than just another empty space
but I've spent so much time falling into the arms of danger
I only knew how to love and let it destroy me
and never how to disassociate the two
so I let the idea of love die without a euology
and I sought comfort instead

and if you choose to walk away, if you choose not to hold her
know that she will nurture herself back to light
she will move to a different city and make something of herself
and you'll spend tuesday mornings and sunday afternoons wondering if you let go of the love of your life
and you'll be walking a street corner in late September when you see her
warm air blowing through her thin hair and you have to give a second look
happiness looks wonderful on her
you'll small talk about the weather and pretend not to notice the ring on her fourth finger
she'll smile warmly and say she's glad to hear you're doing well
and the most well intentioned words feel like a gut punch
because all you want to do is tell her how your arms have been empty for the last 7 years
and you traded the person you love for the safety of being alone

I am sure that I am over you
and in the most loving way possible-
you should know there are nights where I cry in gratefulness to the universe for separating us
you should know that your words are no longer honey on my tongue
I am not the girl I used to be
I'm not held down by the weight of another human and I no longer write poetry to decorate your poison
before you, I never knew how to run away without looking over my shoulder
but the moment we said goodbye it was like every memory faded with you
and I know you waste minutes and hours looking for the smell of my perfume in between your lonely sheets
but you won't ever find me there again

there are some people whom you simply cannot pull the darkness out of
you can love and love and love and they will empty you and ask why you have nothing more to give
because sometimes moths are drawn to your light
and sometimes it is better to protect yourself than try to save people
no amount of nourishment can help someone who doesn't want to bloom
there is a fine line between friendship and toxicity
I hope you learn to draw it

I am most happy when I don't feel the need to prove it
when there are seeds being planted in my belly and flowers blooming everywhere I touch
and my own company is enough
and if every person in the world had a negative thing to say
I'd wrap myself up in my own kind words and bury theirs with yesterday
and when it hurts- because transitions always do
I remind myself of the battles won
the regrets I shed like second skin
and the warmth I felt from the bridges I burned

you will sleep in the same shirt for three weeks before you realize it's just as ***** as the memories
and the apology will never come when it is stained with the tears you swore you wouldn't waste
he won't miss you when you are still remembering him like a reflex
but he will appear on a Thursday afternoon
empty text messages and you hate the way your mind feels dizzy
6 months clean and half in love with someone new
he was never meant to complete you
please believe me when I say he only wants you because you are no longer his
please don't go back to the very thing that broke you
expecting to be healed

I always wanted to pretend that nothing changed - that my feelings were steadfast
that who I loved then I would still love now
as if life weren't made up of seasons
I was scared of losing the passion and maybe losing the pain
but aren't we all made to move forward
and if love always stayed we wouldn't cling to it like our last breath
everything is temporary and I haven't decided whether that comforts or terrifies me

I wonder if I'm able to love without making a catastrophe of it.
Is my heart more than a catalyst for tragedy?
I wonder, did you ever feel like you were drowning in my feelings?
did you feel like you were breathing again as you walked away?
did you feel like another muse for my sad poetry?
I didn't mean to try and use you as the glue for all my broken parts.
I'm a natural disaster and the truth is the ground beneath you shook everytime you came close.
My pure intentions always seem to get twisted but I promise you I only ever wanted to love.
I know I'm poison running through your veins.
I know you wanted to spit me out the second you tasted me.

I'll kiss another boy who doesn't know my mind because if he did as well as you he'd walk away the same.
Just know I tried to be simple. I tried until I felt nothing at all.

don't mistake love for lust
he may pry your legs open and kiss inbetween them in a way that makes you feel like you're touching heaven
but if he doesn't talk to your little brother like he's his own
or hug your mom so tight it's as if he's saying "thank you for her"
if he only calls you after midnight
when the liquor running through his bloodstream makes his body ache
he is only looking for someone to meet him at the bottom of a bottle and not someone to trace circles on his hands underneath his parents dining room table
he will keep his thoughts in like smoke he can't exhale
and you will drive yourself mad trying to pry them out of the same lips you thought would heal you
because the truth is no man can love you who doesn't love himself

You wouldn't understand the words I wrote about the way my hand felt resting in yours
you didn't care that I made you my home
that in the sorrows of this life you had a way of letting me forget about it all
& I thought that I could make you adore me
with the things I said;
how I couldn't make sense of anything except the way your chapped lips felt against mine
& the way your eyes looked while we sat beneath a street light
the effortless movement of your hands when a song you love played
I closed my eyes in those moments, in fear that what we had was fleeting
I worshiped you and you never had to ask me to
I know that some people are born with the uncontrolled capacity to give more love than they could ever possibly be returned
I just wanted you to have the same fondess I did
for the way my stomach never got used to seeing you
the way it felt like a lifetime and I could choose you everyday
& the thought of spending the rest of my days by you never scared me at all
& even after everything I'd let you have me all over again
if you wanted, that is
but you can't beg for someone to want you in the same way you want them
maybe in another life this isn't real and you see galaxies in my eyes the way I see everywhere I want to be in yours
but I know that in this life all the words you never said are breaking me apart
and there are so many miles between us
and I'd give you the world but you wouldn't let me

I heard that you're still waiting
summer came and summer left
and too much has changed to ever dig up what we once were
but if you remember me, remember me gently
the sun peeks in after all the rain in April
and you think of how my skin looked kissed by it
neither of us were born knowing how to love
and I hope someday you get closer to it than we ever did

boys don't like girls whose feelings drip out like water
so I get dizzy off red wine instead of my thoughts
I want to kiss your lips and let you in the fortress I built around my mind
but all the progress I've made will mean nothing
and I can only pretend to be simple for so long until you'll realize I may be too much to love

today it rained
I thought of you and how you might feel alone
and how I feel alone even though you’d never think it
I’m surrounded by so much love and I can’t get my thoughts away from the person I lost
and I hope you’re not still pretending to love the emptiness beside you and the spaces I once filled
you don’t have to like your solace as much as you pretend to
today it rained and I wondered how I’ll feel when you fall for someone new
I hope you give her the chance you never gave me
to show you intimacy and warmth and the kind of passion you keep searching for
I hope you stop looking
the way you should've when you had me

I know it’s wrong to beg for someone to stay
so what if I just asked politely
or what if we said the same goodbye a hundred times and we never actually reached the part where you walk away
you have to think that we were lucky to know love like this, even if just for a moment
I don’t know how to grieve the loss of you
I don’t know how to stop loving your ghost

I have never known how to be enough
always either exceedingly too much or not quite there at all
I wonder, did you feel like I was suffocating you?
or did you feel like you had to coerce words out of my mouth for me to admit I felt anything at all?
I am reckless in my emotions, impulsive in my words
I spent months learning to pretend I'm not plagued by your memory
I wonder if you spend time mourning what we lost
I wonder if you get a stomach ache when you think about the ending
or if it's a heavy sigh of relief, a warmth against your skin
I wonder if I'm best kept as a memory
tell me, what makes you think of me?
the frizz in your hair, or the bad taste in your mouth?
your worst day or your best- It'd be a pleasure to be any of your days at all

you touch me and the cracks in my lips bleed I bite them so hard
no one has ever been this close
your fingers draw circles on the back of my legs
you kiss every part of me I say I'd like to change
then your lips drip honey on all of my wounds
(the same ones he used to call a burden)

we paint a pretty picture out of holding on
out of never giving up hope
but sometimes it’s knowing when to call it quits
it’s letting go when you don’t feel ready, because you realize you’re waiting for someone who’s already gone
he took the last train out of this dried up town and left you here to wilt away with it
understand that what you miss is only the embellished memories of someone you used to know
but he has changed since then- and you can grow without his nourishment

Mid-day light shoulders it's way through my bedroom window
And I find spring like a letter from an old friend
She's changed, she's traveled, you should hear the things she's seen
I try my best to talk about her, the flowers she's grown and the skin she's kissed
I worry if she asks about me I won't have anything to say
I didn't mean to stay stagnant for so long, it's just I worry about falling too in love with life
I've always lost everything I've loved too much

and he may not be pure- but I swear his love’s so holy I find redemption in his eyes

the miles never mattered to you
and I'm aware that the messes I've made have left me with the kind of scars that scare people away
but I told you the way the rain that day seemed to wash them all away
and you always said that storms were your favorite
so you bring the rain
and I'll bring my shame
we can go anywhere as long as it's far from here

I loved your skin more than my own and for that I failed myself
do you still think of me?
teach me how to love in fragments instead of with the whole of me
teach me about ill-timed affection and confessions given right when I begin to let go
I’ll teach you what it’s like to feel you; in my skin- in my head
I want to be unbothered by you, but my heart and mind have never reached a compromise
do you still think of me?

I saw you smile and I thought about how each time I start something new it feels different
I call my best friend and ask her if I'm foolish for imagining summer next to you
I start to smile in my sleep and see the world through rose tinted glasses
and I tell myself I won't rush in but it's like telling the seasons not to change
winter creeps it's way in and I miss the way fall felt
but you're still here
and I think this time I'll keep us to myself
because something this simple doesn't need an explanation
you keep me calm and I'll keep you passionate
and I can't imagine mornings without you

time fades and makes it's way through my fingers like my palm is full of rain
and I know that I don't have time to worry about feelings unreciprocated
I'll love without expectation
if equal affection can never be achieved
at least I can be the one who loves more

I am learning to bloom without seeking admiration
the praises of my peers don't affect the rate of my growth
I'm filling myself up with my own love
freeing myself of the weight of comparison
and everytime I fall apart
I get a new chance to rearrange my pieces
I have dug my way out of the holes that tried to bury me
I am the architect of my own life
and I am growing for myself
slow progress is still progress
I may be a late bloomer but wait until you see me flourish

some people were born to face more pain than all of the others combined
a stroke of luck or a generational curse
but don't assume my sensitivity adds up to a lack of strength
you touch me like I'm glass- like I may fall apart at any given moment
but I am not a mess for you to clean
I'm strong because the world has broken me more times than I could count
and I still approach love with the kind of vulnerability some may call ignorant
but I am not naive for believing in something so pure my scars won't make a difference
I am simply learning how to **** out those not meant for me

I find remnants of the dreamer I used to be in-between the mundane
twelve years old and my eyes had seen more than most will in a lifetime
but I loved with every fiber of my being
I loved the cities I'd never been to and the life I hadn't lived
and all the things I knew I was meant for with the sweetest ignorance for how to get there
you can find me underneath all the evidence of my surviving
my heart just as thirsty as the little ******* her bedroom floor

I left you like a bad habit
I couldn't stop biting my nails but I can go weeks without thinking of you
there were days when your bedsheets were my home
and I don't lay awake thinking of the way she's tangled in them
but when he kissed me I looked to see if you were watching
and for a moment I wondered if you wished you were him

I need to work on my patience
traffic brings out the worst in me and waiting in line makes my hands shake
but for you
for you I'd wait ten lifetimes
it is perfectly fine that I do not consume all of your thoughts
I think mine are enough for the both of us

maybe it's for the sake of ourselves that we always remember the ending and not the beginning
memories come in flashes
and sometimes it's the nights we spent hidden from the rest of the world whispering words I never thought to write down
but mostly it's the morning when it hurt so much to look at you I had to close my eyes
and even then tears still made their way through my shut eyelids
now it's been months and I've forgotten my favorite features on your face
and I wish I could remember the night I called my best friend after leaving you because I had so many feelings I didn't know what to do with them
without remembering coming home to her crying because in the end we were too good to last

you kissed the crevices of my body like I was something holy
no one's ever worshiped my scars like that
but you knelt down to them like they were sacred
I wanted to drown all of my skin in you

I broke my own heart when I wrote poems for you
as if you could hear my thoughts
telepathy of some sort
and what's meant for you will find its way back but you never did
the truth is I'm trying to let go with honey on my hands
and I always thought love was patient
but I'm beginning to resent you for the way you're under my skin
and I tried to get you out of my system
but I stuttered when we said goodbye
because I was never good at knowing when love isn't love anymore

am I a terrible person
if I knew from the first night you kissed me
my messes would be too much for you
and I let you kiss me anyways
I don't know why I get so caught up in the loss of temporary people
you knew the way I looked at midnight
eyes half open
sleepy words that only make half sense
but never why the man I call my father is a stranger
or the reason I get sad in-between the silence
I knew you wouldn't understand
if I told you I'm afraid I'll become the sum of my mistakes
so I stayed silent, simple
and I let you kiss me anyways

How long did I beg for you and call it optimism
I come home and set down the baggage that has my shoulders aching
carrying you was heavier than I wanted to admit
I run the wash cold, separating yours from mine for the first time
I'd like to think I'm learning myself all over again
I'm taking back the pieces of me you used to hold

my poetry isn't about you anymore
and I'll be the first to admit there was a time where my mind could only piece together thoughts of you
and words fell from my mouth unwittingly
with nothing but metaphors
to romanticise the way you left
but I won't belittle all this world has to offer again
by thinking you are all there is
I used to think I was born with heartbreak in my blood
but I've realized I keep running towards it mistaking it for love

yes, I believe that forgiveness should be given freely
the shedding of unnecessary hatred and the burdens that were never yours to carry
but don't allow the kindness within you to be exploited
you are gentle but you are not feeble
you have full permission to claim your boundaries
to take back your space as your own
disentangle your thinking that loving what hurts you is anything more than self-hatred

I am still learning how to fill the gaps of the pieces you took when you left
all of the skin you traced knows it will never feel you again
and I like to believe your fingers are aching and your stomach hurts remembering the loss of me
I hope you make something worthy of all your regret
I bet it hurts to know you'll never know the girl that I'm becoming