There is a certain sadness
found deep within happiness.
Although happiness is the best to be,
there are a few downfalls to it once it's been discovered.

To be truly happy,
you have to feel the pain of sadness first.
You eventually get use to this feeling,
you develop an attachment to it.

Once you discover happiness,
the attachment is not easily broken.
It's not impossible to break,
but it is quite difficult.

First you might struggle with your daily routine.
You have to learn how to wake up smiling,
thinking of the day as a new day
instead of just another day to fight through.

Then those songs you've always related to,
become so pointless and you can't relate.
There lyrics are now just words.
They are now just remnants of your past.

After awhile,
you begin to change into someone new.
But don't let this destroy your positive state of mind.
Change isn't always so bad.

That attachment will eventually fade into oblivion.
The happiness you feel will fill it's spot more generously.
It will remind you that even when we become attached to negativity,
there's always a positive alternative waiting to be discovered.

It was January the 19th, 2011.
I was 15, he was almost 16.
I had only ever spoken to him once online.
He was like a mythical creature that I found out actually existed.
He had been at my school the whole year and I never seen him before.
I remember seeing him look at me.
I thought his eyes were as blue as the sky.
I felt my face blush as he spoke.
Later he asked for my number.
We began talking and he immediately had me hooked.
I pretended not to care,
but I let him know how I felt the next day.

I remember it was January the 26.
The day I got home to see a weird text on my phone.
It said he was lying.
That he was nothing but a lie.
I texted him,
hoping he would have a good excuse.
That's when he apologized,
and said those three words.
The three words he knew I had never heard from a guy like him.
"I love you" he said.
I stopped.
I was young and dumb,
and he knew that.
He knew I couldn't turn away from him.

It was February the 2nd.
We were outside,
just talking like we always did.
That's when he grabbed me,
we stopped and he leaned in.
I broke away and hugged him,
I pretended to not know what he truly wanted.
He then held me in place,
and kissed me.
My first kiss.
I hated it,
but I told myself it was magical.
I bragged and smile,
but inside it felt like a hurricane had been released inside of me.
My first real taste of the anxiety I know so well now.

Fast forward.

It was July the 4th, 2011.
We watched the fireworks with my friends.
Everything seemed magical.
The one thing keeping us apart was gone.
I felt so free and happy.
He kissed me more this night.
Even though there was nothing to feel guilty about,
I still didn't feel right.
But I ignored it and we continued our night.
That was the night we started our relationship, officially.

After that,
things get blurry,
but I remember some things so well.

I remember spending time with him after football games.
We'd get away from the crowds to talk,
but he always wanted more.
Each time he grew more forceful,
but I was able to push him away,
sometimes...

Then I turned 16.
I felt this age would be better.
I'd be stronger.
I could handle myself better,
and no one could hurt me.
This was going to be my year.

I was wrong.

I remember the first time he touched me.
It was the first time my parents actually trusted him alone with me.
I tried telling him not to.
I tried to resist and say no.
He didn't care.
He continued.
I remember praying for it to end.
I didn't know what to do.
He said it was love.
I told him it wasn't okay.
He was persistent.
He didn't care.

I remember when I started going along with the things he did,
just so I didn't feel as broken when he tried forcing me into things.
Each time,
I felt as if I died a little more.
I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating,
but it's truly how I felt.
I was a 16 year old who never imagined her life would be this way.
I felt defeated.
I wanted to run,
but my feet felt grounded.

I remember the times I fought back.
I remember him continuing.
I remember him pinning me down.
I would've cried if I wasn't trying to hide the shame I felt.
I wanted so badly to scream.
I wanted someone to save me.
No one came.
No one was there.
I somehow fought t him off before anything too awful happened,
but my spirit was still broken.
I still felt empty.
Broken.
Worthless.

I remember when I found out he cheated on me.
First it was with a girl who lived miles away.
I was hurt,
but I directed my anger towards her.
I don't understand why I was angry.
I should've just let her take him...
but I was young and stupid still.
Then I found out he was seeing a friend of mine.
That was the first time I self-harmed.
Because he didn't care that I knew.
He continued,
and he said he didn't care with no remorse in his voice.
This broke me.
I had so long believed that he truly cared for me,
and he suddenly seemed to see me as a nuisance.
Again...
I forgave him.
Like a stupid little lovesick girl,
I let him back in my life.
One of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Things got worse.
He began to count my flaws.
"You're boring".
"You don't do enough".
"You need to put out so I know you love me."
Word by word,
he tore me down.
I tried telling myself it would work.
I wanted it to work.
So as the words cut deep into me,
and as he continued to get more and more physically forceful,
I continued fighting for him.

By age 17,
I was turned to stone.
I didn't see those "sky blue eyes" I tried fantasizing about.
They were now just ice-cold and soulless.
The things he said didn't phase me much anymore.
I still tried fighting for myself
but it gradually got to the point where I felt too exhausted to fight.
I tried making us work,
but there wasn't much to salvage.
He was destroying all the hope I had since the beginning.

February 2013.
We had been arguing one day,
the whole day.
He wanted to go to some party that weekend.
I knew there would be girl and drinking.
He couldn't be trusted.
I knew what he was planning.
I told him I didn't want him going.
He wouldn't listen.
He continued to tear at me,
with those harsh words he knew were knives to my heart.
That night he called.
We instantly began arguing.
"I'm going, whether you like it or not!"
he exclaimed in an 'I'm in control here' voice.
"Then we're over."
I said bluntly.
"What? Are you serious?" he sounded so defeated.
I loved it.
I then told him I was serious and hung up,
with no explanation.
I think he called back and I told him I was honestly done.
I then called my friend who I told everything to.
I told him how I was sad everything was over,
but for the first time in almost 2 years,
I felt free.

For weeks he begged for me back.
Even after his secret girl had came forward,
and told me he had been cheating our entire relationship.
He actually thought I would come crawling back to him,
and it killed him to have no power over me.
I loved having so much power over him,
but I was not harsh.
I just said goodbye and lived my life away from him.
Not once did I even begin to say yes to his pleas for me to return.
Even when I felt broken down and lonely,
I refused to ever even exist next to him.

Weeks turned into months and he was still persistent.
I'd get a text every single month from him,
asking how I was.
Telling me he missed me and still loved me.
Each time I'd just say something like "Sorry".
I wasn't sorry.

Fast forward to the end of that year.
I hadn't seen him in awhile.
My loneliness had somehow developed into unresolved anger.
I realized everything he had done to me.
I understood that he had destroyed my self esteem...
my self worth.
The next time I seen him he tried saying hello.
I screamed at him.
He never tried speaking to me again.

I'm 20 years old now.
I am engaged to a wonderful man.
We have dreams and goals that we will accomplish.
He tells me I'm beautiful.
He is the one for me.
His eyes are blue.
Sky blue.
The warmest eyes I've ever seen.
He's been with me at my worst,
and supported me through my best.
He is the one I was looking for when I was 15.
It took awhile to find him,
because of the guy with the ice-cold eyes.
But I still found him.

It's been at least 2 years since I've seen the guy who once broke me.
I seen his mom the other day,
she stopped and told me how she never forgot me,
and that she accidentally calls other girls me all the time.
She also told me that he is getting married soon.
Years ago,
I would've said something like "I feel sorry for that girl"
or maybe "Tell him I said I wish him the worst, okay?"
But I politely smiled,
said to send my best to them,
and told her that I had to hurry home to my fiance.

That's when I realized something.
Although I break down sometimes,
and I have moments where I wish I could just scream in his face,
and punch him,
and hurt him as bad as he hurt me...
at the end of the day I remember,
he has no control over me anymore.
I am free from him.
I may never see his face again,
and I am okay with that.
Yes.
He did break me.
But because I was once broken,
I found out I was strong enough to heal.
I realized that I am not weak like he had me believing I was.
I am strong.
I have value.
And I will never have to feel the pain he put me through again.

I know I'm a failure.
My anxiety is always on the highest level.
I still don't have a job.
I'm depressed 95% of the time.
I quit college after a semester.
I'm always a nervous wreck.
I'm no good in social situations.
I cry too much.
And I'm no good to anyone anymore.

I'm so angry,
I could scream.
I feel like a fool.
I'm so paranoid.
So lost.
So confused.
How do I escape this?
I can't get away from this.

The sad thing is,
if I love someone,
they can hurt me for no logical reason,
and I will still try to figure out what I did wrong.

I blame myself.
I can't help but blame myself.
It doesn't matter what happens,
it always feels like it's my fault.

It's like someone could decide to stab me in the chest,
and I'd spend my last moments trying to comprehend what I did.
I can't find blame in others as much as I can find blame in myself.
Because I don't particularly care for myself.

Maybe it's because growing up,
I was taught to love other's,
but not so much to love myself.
but it's no one's fault I ended up this way.

No one could've predicted I'd be so messed up.
Maybe I did it to myself.
After all,
I am always to blame.

Like a monster,
devouring me.
Starting with my heart.
The pain increases.
I start to panic.
"You can't take it back."
I cry and cry,
hoping that'll help.
But it doesn't.
My tears flood my eyes,
I suddenly feel as if I'm drowning.
Can I please take it back.
Can I go back?
I just want my innocence back.
The innocence that was stolen from me.
The place where this all started.
The pain.
The torture.
The guilt that never even fades.

Just yesterday you were a 17 year old girl,
with brown eyes and a smile that could light up a room.
You were beautiful.
You had so much potential.
Now you are a memory.
You're parents' hearts shattered,
your whole family is wondering why,
your friends are in tears,
and your boyfriend is left in pieces...
I don't think you intended to cause so much pain.

What were you thinking,
when you decided to leave it all behind.
Did you think you wouldn't be missed?
Did you think no one would notice or care?

Beautiful girl,
people who you never even met are crying for you.
So many hearts are shattered.
The little town you lived in is in complete shock.

You were so young.
You were so bright.
No one understands why you did this.
Everyone's broken.
No one knows how to handle this.
I know you didn't mean to break the hearts of those closest to you,
but did you not realize how loved you were?

Did you not think of that,
before you decided to end your life?

I feel like my heart has been screaming...
begging for something to keep it going.
It's been holding onto every cherished moment.
I've been watching sunsets,
just to find value in them that I can't find in myself.
I've spent nights wide awake,
spilling the few tears that almost escaped during the day.
I just need to be held.
To be taken care of.
I need to be able to cry,
and scream,
and tell someone how broken I really am.
I know I can hold things back,
and pretend not to feel.
But I am fragile too.
I'm tired of being strong.
I'm tired of fighting every tear,
in fear of a bad reaction from someone who doesn't feel what I feel.
My heart feels like it's dying,
because there is no escape for it.
It is trapped,
and suffocating.
Maybe I should just let it die..

No amount of poems,
no amount of words,
could ever accurately describe how I feel.
It's like part of me has died,
and it can't be recovered.
Another wall has been built to protect myself,
and more smiles are being faked to make things okay again.
My heart has been broken beyond repair.
I know I will never be the same again.

I remember when we were together.
Everyone thought we were perfect together.
They all seen happiness and smile.
But they didn't know the truth.

No one seen the way you pushed me when you'd get angry,
or the way you'd force yourself on me after I told you to stop.
They didn't hear you telling me I wasn't enough.
None of them knew the real truth.

Although our relationship was a complete disaster,
I tried to work things out and make things right.
I gave you chance after chance,
because I had never really given up on anything before.

But the last year of our relationship,
It was like we were a ship that was inevitably going to sink.
I stalled the process enough so that I could say I tried,
but finally I just let go.

I remember telling you it was over.
Your voice sounded crippled at those words.
My heart no longer wanted you,
and I knew it was time to say our goodbye's.

You tried to keep us as friends,
but I knew it wouldn't work.
Not after all you had down.
Not after what you put me through.

Our ship had finally sunk down to the depths,
and there was nothing left to salvage.
You kept trying to revisit it,
but I had accepted it's fate.

Now I know you thought I was weak,
for just walking away like I did.
But I want you to know the truth.
I want you to see things for how they really were.

I had tried so hard.
I fought for you.
I fought for everything we had,
even though it was nothing worth fighting for.

I gave up so much,
and lost so much of myself,
just to keep you happy.
Just to be enough.

But nothing was enough.
You fought against me,
and you were always "needing" more than I could give.
You were never grateful and never satisfied.

I let you push me around.
I let you torment me,
I let you tear me to pieces with your words and actions,
just so I could make you smile.

But after all was said in done,
the girl you met was long gone.
You had destroyed her.
I was no longer quiet or in need of validation.

And because of everything you did,
I no longer needed you.
I wasn't weak anymore.
I was strong enough to stand on my own.

So I let you go.
I let you feel the pain of never being enough.
I loved watching you beg me for a second chance,
saying you'd change.

I had become blank.
No emotion.
Nothing left to say to you.
I was done.

I'm better now,
and I still have no need or want for you,
but I still wander sometimes,
if you realized exactly what happened.

I wander how it feels to know,
that the one girl who had the biggest heart,
and never gave up on anyone,
gave up on you.

Nights like this,
the past hurts a lot.
I still have so many questions,
and none of the answers I get make sense.
I know I'm suppose to be healed by now,
but I don't think I'll ever be better.
Not completely.
I have days and nights where I'm fine.
Then I have days and nights like tonight,
where I just feel uneasy,
and like I just need to be held.
I'm going to be okay.
I know that.
But I go through life with a damaged heart,
and sometimes I just need reassurance.
I just need to know I'm not alone.
I need to know I'm enough.

Yes,
I am angry.
I have every right to be angry.
I'm so sick of getting trampled.
I'm so sick of caring for people,
only to get hurt and have it blamed on me.
They say it's my fault,
because I choose to give people chances.
Because I refuse to just view the bad...
I'M SO SICK OF THIS!
MY HEART SHOULD'NT HAVE TO HURT
JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY DECIDED
I WASNT WORTH IT.
I WASNT WORTH THE TRUTH!
I WASNT WORTH THE TIME!
THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!
I'm so SICK and TIRED of hearing sorry,
and then the blame being directed back at ME.
I CARED.
I LOVED.
I BELIEVED.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT I DID.
THEY LIED.
THEY CHEATED.
THEY BROKE A HEART THAT NEVER CAUSED HARM.
...

*Don't you dare blame me...

I have grown to know the seasons,
like personal friends of mine.
Each one has it's own personality,
and all have a special place in my heart.

Spring is the friend that never overstays it's welcome.
It's there one minute,
and gone the next.
It's a friend you are fond of,
but you're okay with time apart.

Summer is the one who doesn't know when to go.
You share so many memories,
so when it comes around you are are ecstatic,
but by the end of it's stay,
you are ready to part ways.

Fall is the one who you can never get enough of.
It's a balance of all things beautiful.
It's the one you wish would stay forever.
When it leaves you feel empty,
and you start counting down the days till it returns.

Winter is the confusing of all the seasons.
It's the friend that is very bittersweet.
It brings joy but takes away life's beautiful colors.
Even through the dull, frosty haze it leaves,
it's magnificent in it's own simple ways.

Just like people,
each is wonderful.
They each share a place in our heart,
and will always leave memories behind,
but they all stay for as long as life will allow them.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Do you want me to be gentle and kind all the time,
or tough and defensive?
Do you want me to act like a lady,
or a young girl with a wicked sense of humor?
Do you want me to be comforting,
or to give you your space?
I'm getting so many mixed signals.
None of it makes sense.
Tell me what you want,
and I will be that for you.

It always seems to happen at night.
It's been lingering around all day,
but no action was taken until tonight.
I could feel it creeping up the side of my bed,
cold and empty,
I felt it slowly take hold of me.
I could no longer breathe properly,
and my chest felt as if it was being crushed.
Tears found their way out of my eyes and down my face.
I knew there was nothing I could do.
There never is and there never has been.
This attack can't be stopped.
It could last for hours...
But I can't confess the stress it causes to anyone around me,
because to everyone else anxiety is just a made up mental issue.
They will never understand how physically suffocating it is.

It's 5 in the morning.
I haven't slept yet.
I never sleep at night anymore.
Everything hurts to much.
If I even think about sleeping,
I end up soaking my pillow in tears...
as the pain in my chest grows harder to ignore.
All the flashbacks return.
I don't feel very safe anymore.
So I'll wait for the sun to rise.
Then I'll sleep the day away,
and wake up to face the night once again.

What do you expect,
from a girl who has only known lies.
From a person who knows hurt
better than she knows herself.

She's heard every line,
every single false statement.
Then the apology that follows,
ever so simply.

Do you expect her to trust,
without any doubt?
Without quivering at the thought
that history could repeat itself.

She has seen light turn to darkness
so fast that it left her shaking.
She has been broken and bruised,
so much that her body aches without reason.

And you expect her to smile,
to laugh,
to relax,
and to trust with no fear?

Then that is what she will try to do.
Because she will not fall.
She will not be beaten down.
She will get back up and dust herself off once again.

Because when she loves,
she loves with everything she has.
She is willing to give everything for the ones she loves.
She is willing to forgive.

Even if she loses herself in the process.

I wish you'd just apologize.
Sincerely this time.
I wish you'd truly feel sorry for what you did,
and want to make things right.

I don't want to be your friend,
or your acquaintance,
but I'm sick of carrying this feeling around.
This fear.

Because I know if I see you,
you'll be bitter.
And I don't want to be angry.
I don't want any negativity.

I was young and stupid,
and you took advantage of that.
How could you not feel remorse,
for doing the things you did to me?

I want to walk past you,
and feel like I truly have nothing to say.
Like we can be strangers,
not enemies.

Built in a home that pretends to be perfect,
I was destined for destruction.
I remember screaming at the top of my lungs,
"I HATE THIS!"
You all wonder where my issues came from.
I always thought I was born with anxiety and insecurities,
but now I understand where everything went wrong.
Because when you were suppose to be the one to encourage me,
you were the one to tell me everything that was wrong with me.
I blamed myself for so long...
and so did you.
You still do,
You always will.

I never realized that when they say,
"All dreams come true if you have the courage to pursue them"
they truly mean you must have courage.
Nothing in life comes free.
You will get hurt.
There will be nights when you cry until you can't cry anymore.
People will be cruel.
Many won't have sympathy for you,
no matter what you're going through.
But you have to stay strong.
If you want to accomplish something in life,
you have to keep going.
Put those who truly don't care in your past,
keep those who honestly love you by your side.
And yes,
those who love you will hurt you sometimes too,
but you will forgive them,
and you will keep your head held high,
and you will have the courage to succeed.
Dreams take determination and bravery.
So be brave.
Don't let the world or the common mishaps of life stop you.

Lies create insecurities.
They tear you apart from the inside.
You'll begin to question yourself.
"Was I not good enough for the truth?"

I know this all too well.
My ears have heard many tales being told,
my eyes have been deceived,
and I have been left feeling like a fool.

First I questioned myself.
Then I changed myself.
And now I'm unsure of who I am.
The insecurities have long set in.

So please,
do not lie to those you love,
because while lies temporarily damage trust,
they forever alter someone who once believed too much,

I feel like my hearts almost had enough.
After the lies,
the hurtful words,
and everything else...
I don't think it cant take much more.

My whole body can feel my heart reacting.
I get sick every night.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
When I do sleep, I just wake up every hour from nightmares.

I don't know how to recover from this anymore.
I've tried getting up,
brushing myself off.
But I just fall again.
I don't know how much more of this I can take...

I won't say I told you so.
I won't mention that I told you drugs couldn't help the hurt.
I won't talk about the fact that I knew I wasn't good enough for you.
I won't remind you that I said to stop drinking the guilt away.
I won't speak of the time I told you that you'd hurt me again.
I won't say I told you so.

Breathe for a second.
Think of where you are in life.
Is it where you want to be?
If not,
you ALWAYS have the ability to change that.
No matter what it takes,
you will find where you belong.
If you are already in the place you want to be,
keep fighting for that place.
Don't think just because you made it,
that you get to give up.
No.
You must fight for what you love,
and work for what you want.
Nothing good or great comes easy,
but it's all worth it.

I often think I never loved you.
I was just a dumb kid after all.
What fifteen year old understands love?
I think I just felt comfortable with you.
My lips had never touched another's.
My arms were use to your embrace.
Your family had welcomed me as their own.
I didn't know how I could break away from it.
Even as you hurt me,
and left me crying countless times,
I couldn't take the steps to get away from you.
The thought of leaving you plagued me.
What would it be like to smell your cologne,
and to recognize it as just another scent.
Nothing special.
Or to walk the halls of our school,
without you holding my hand.
You see,
I don't think I loved you.
I was just afraid of being alone.
I was use to you.
You were just there.
You were just familiar.

I keep falling apart.
WHY DO I KEEP FALLING APART?
I hate it...
I hate EVERYTHING I am..
everything I've been.
Why?!
Why do I have to go through this?
Every time I think everything's okay,
it's not.
I'm starting to think...
I'm not destined to be o k a y.

I'm terrified now.
Of absolutely everything.
Everything scares me so much.
I keep wondering,
"Who will lie next?"
or
"Who will decide I'm not worth their time this time?"
I'm just so sick of being afraid...

I lost another friend last week.
According to the will he left on his laptop,
he had been planning his death since November.
He was only 22.

This is the second friend depression has taken this year.
I just can't wrap my head around it all.
I've cried more than I ever thought I could...
and I've slept less hours than they say I should.

He seemed so happy.
We were talking to him the night before he left.
He was always laughing and joking,
and none of us seen this coming.

I find myself being so angry at him...
because the only things he left us with are questions.
Could we have saved him?
Did we do something wrong?

Then I cry some more...
because I hate myself for being angry with him...
Especially since I know the overwhelming pain of depression.
I know how lonely it can make a person feel.

I just hate that I never told him that.
I hate that I never told him how empty I feel sometimes,
because then maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone.
Maybe it would've made him stay.

But it's too late now.
Another young life is gone...
But I refuse to watch anyone else leave...
without knowing they are loved.

So if you are reading this now,
know I love you and I care about you.
I may not know you personally,
but I promise that you matter to me.

You are here for a purpose.
Your life is worth more than you will ever know.
If you leave you won't take the pain away,
you'll just give it to others to carry for you...

So please stay.
There is hope.
Just keep going.
Keep fighting.

Think of your family.
Your friends.
The music you haven't heard yet...
the movies you haven't watched...
the people you haven't met yet...

Think of anything...
as long as it keeps you here with me.
Just keep breathing.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I'm trying to stay strong.
If no one understands,
then how do I continue.
I can't keep fighting myself.
It's dangerous.
I'm closer and closer to picking up that blade...
just so I can feel something other than this.
I can't take this anxiety,
and this feeling that no one feels but me.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I just want to scream.
I want to scream until my voice is lost.
I want the world to hear the pain I harbor.
I need to let go of every single feeling that suffocates me...
along with every emotion I'm holding back.
Because this heart can't take much more.
This body is beginning to fail me.
I'm not strong enough for this.
I'm not strong enough at all.

The pain from the past taunts me.
Devil smiles and twisted laughs.
"It's all your fault."
"This is what you wanted."
I can scream and cry.
There's no escaping it.
No one saves me.
They all stand there.
My hero is no where to be found.
Of course the past would hide him.
Without him I'm helpless.
The past knows this too well.
But not even in this unconscious state do I forget him.
The past can't take him from me.
My hero exist.
I know it.
I gather the strength from somewhere.
I scream at the faces around me.
"Why are you letting him do this?!"
"STOP THIS!"
They all laugh and smile.
It's all a charade.
None of this is real.
"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up."
I open my eyes in relief.
They can't hurt me.
He can't hurt me.
I am protected.
I am safe.
It was all in my head.