This is Brandi the Brave speaking so listen carefully dears. I am the Flash's daughter and the Supergirl's son I was born transgender. I may look cisgender but I am beautiful regardless of age. I am Brandi the Brave so don't try and **** me half sister, Rebekah King. I know you are biphobic, transphobic and fear of me! Rebekah King, you stole my old glasses! I can't see and neither can you with all that hatred. You cummed demon blood all over my floor 2 years ago, still not forgiven for that.
Singing again, living again, loving again, caring again and being myself all over again. Ex boyfriend who is my half brother trying to **** me on the regular. Ex girlfriend who is my half sister who is drop dead gorgeous and sparkling death with a side of champagne. Old friend who is my half sister who has a drug habit the size of the entire state of California. I am free ranged of my past because it doesn't haunt me anymore. The nightmares, the horrifying flashbacks, the nosebleeds, the migraines, the dizzying, ***** filled nights of restless anxieties, the awful smells of my old friend, the exhausting depressive episodes, bipolar drastic mood-swings and schizophrenic auditory hallucinations of spiritual awakenings. I am not afraid anymore!
Living with a split mind is like thinking of yourself through a cracked mirror. One is real and the other isn't reality. To manifest one part of yourself is to challenge reality and leave the fakeness to other people. To live with a split mind is to think of yourself as a monster then be the sweetest person no matter how cracked the mirror is. It is always staring back at you evilly grinning. I was terrified of myself, 2 summers ago. I didn't want to hurt anyone so I did what I do best read until my brain can't take it anymore and write until my hand cramps up. I thought I dreaming of my life in slow motion where no one could stop me.
Depression to me is dying while still living. Depression to me is forgetting to shower and sleeping too much. Depression to me is eating too much then throwing up my dinner or eating too little and starving myself to relieve the guilt. Depression to me is writing to find worth in work in myself. Depression to me is crying into my pillow to muffle the noise so no one listens to me and reliving flashbacks in my mind. Depression to me is having the world spinning beneath my feet and not remembering my name. Depression to me is not being able to breathe and counting to ten.
Fall and Winter is my bipolar seasons. Spring and Summer is my schizophrenic seasons. Considering Summer is about to end and Fall is about to begin. I am ready for the paradigm shift. I am medicated and I have a support system. I hope I don't relapse. The last time I went bipolar I went catatonic to the point that it scared my dad and mom. The doctors said it was an isolated incident but I am afraid of the chances of it happening again. It's not that my schizophrenia gets less it is just I notice that my mood swings get more rapid during Fall and Winter. It's not that my bipolar disorder gets less it is just I notice I am more hyperactive during Spring and Summer. Much like the Eclipse my mental illnesses interact with each other as though they are the Sun and the Moon.
Yes I am a paradox. I am a writing and music nerd. In my mind I have records of drama from middle school and high school. I act like I am not listening to other people's conflicts with each other when I really am seeing what happened. Gossip and Rumors News back in those days were numerous. I have an instinct to fix situations. Yes my mood swings have caused drama several times in my life. I can't help the fact that I am passionate. I was the private journalist of my middle and high school days. No I never joined the yearbook. That seemed too easy. I have always enjoyed working hard for my spot in society. Here is the Thing About Conflict, I don't care whether I caused the affect of a situation as long as fix it before it become a problem. Sometimes I am a drama queen, other times I am the most mild mannered ****** you will ever meet. I can promise that my inner conflicts are my issue not yours. I won't ask for help until I know I need it. I am notoriously stubborn and strong headed you can ask my friends. This is my new chapter that I get to write not anyone else get to write my story. My story is what you expect of a person: worth reading. Here is the Thing About Conflict, my anxiety knocks me out when it's mine. My depression will throw me into an ocean of my own thoughts when it's my conflict. So when I ask for help, just know I need it.
I tried to lock him out But he somehow found his way back in The monster, the dark mist that slowly takes hold of my body Until his tendrils wrap around my limbs and throat Rendering me unable to breathe or to speak So I curl up in bed and wait it out "This feeling is fleeting," I repeat It stays long enough to rid me of any flicker of hope, extinguishing any sparkle in my eyes Leaving me numb Alone to pick up the pieces Until he chooses to visit again