With each passing hour I grow more cynical
More accepting of my death
And more accepting of our synthetic world
How can I preserve the sweetest part of me?
My innocence?
I cannot

I’d cross seas
I’d battle warriors
I’d climb mountains
If I knew that there was hope for me
Hope for my soul, but
There is not

So I float
Hoping the waters at least take me painlessly  
Please drown me
Please leave me numb and unmoved
I submit myself to drowning
Maybe then and only then
My soul will rest

Boy, I'm just playing
checkers with your head.
Yahtzee, *****.

Thanks for being out my
inner ******.
Thank you for being a narcissist.
It's truly inspiring.

Only on a sadistic sliding scale.
of accountability.
Or lack there of.
Can the sociopath be socially acceptable.

Adored in some cases.
Which brings us to exhibit a;
Donald Trump V. The Modern Free World.

Let's just sip on that tea brought to you by food stamps.
I'm living the All American
White Trash Dream.
Yolo!

Sometimes,
I feel like
a high functioning
psychopath.

Though well intended.
Usually dormant and
overtly complacent in the
' a for effort way'.

Hiding in plain sight.
Meditating on the perfect time to cause a
mother ******* scene.

Everything, is fine,
it is. Fine,
If I have that again, it will, make me sick
It will always get stuck in my throat,
I would choke. Sick,
that I don't need, Don't eat.
leave it out? Totally.
Someone might see,
know, help, me? Getting worse.
Help myself. Normality,
keeping things usual. Work.
Pull myself together? get over it, don't be silly:
That's not helpful,
don’t say anything.
What's happening? I've never passed out before.
You in my head will you explain
What to do, yes you; I'm losing,
help me?
see things I'm missing. Ignore.
Remember being sick ? I don't want that, leave,
I Need food to keep the same.
Not. Change.
Food others have makes me feel unwell. Don't eat.
I. Tremble, consider, stare, UNABLE TO EAT MEALS,
Eat: with everyone, sit, quiet, be slow,
as much as possible, I will leave.
At least I tried. To observing eyes. I did well?
Touch leave, take leave tremble, later, maybe. No.
Don't want to, yet: need to think,
what I'm going to have? where I'm going to eat?
you can tell me, yes, no.? Safe food list, alters,
becomes not safe. It has changed, different cold.
Leave it. If it's not the same, colour, shape, smell,
not safe, Wait. It's on the list. Avoid it, the date is old,
milkshake
best.
In therapy, I speak, I listen, you unravel.
Best?
help me? keep to timetable? Its achievable.
What has really happened.?
Avoid? Try? Listen. Try, try
Is it fine?,  me  trying, still worried, concerned.

Not what you thought
(ARFID)  Michael C Crowder  September 2018

The other day I had the very same thought,
Just as I did the other times, however many;
A romantic-comedy kind of retrospect, if you will. We were selling out concert tickets to upholstery as the best, or at least most confident,
Karaoke duo to ever cross paths with a dashboard.
“When I'm gone just carry on, don't mourn, rejoice.”
Opera singers every other day...
Does the music still manifest within your nervous system?
Can you feel the sorrow pulse from the V - i resolution chord?
It's still screaming if you can't hear it.
...had I known then what I know now, well,
Perhaps  this memory wouldn't hurt so ******* much.

It's hard to listen to music in the car anymore,
Well, nearly impossible most of the time.
It awakens sleeping demons that need not be bothered,
Their tails cut like a severed bond between two people who conquered tribulations far beyond the reach of the greatest evil imaginable,
Yet still lost control of ourselves from time to time.

The tires slid across the asphalt during that calm storm a few years back
“What’s in your head, zombie?”

Stop telling me what to do, how to speak, how to feel.
I'm not listening to you anymore.
You don't control me
I am reclaiming my body, my life
I am reclaiming me
For many years you had me restrained.
I listened to every word that left your Lips
Like the wind blowing through the trees
I listened
And I felt, and I heard….
And I hurt.
You don't control me.
I am reclaiming my body, my life
I am reclaiming me
And no matter how many times you afflict pain on me,
Leaving me bruised and scarred
I will not listen.
My ears are clogged up to your voice
And I will not listen.
My feelings you cannot manipulate
And I will not listen
This mind control you once had over me is pulverized
And I will not listen
You still try to speak, demanding attention with every word that leaves your pitiful mouth
Like you are the teacher and I am the student
But is it not time for the student to become the teacher
I will annihilate you, extinguish you, nuke and shatter you
Until you are the one begging for my forgiveness
Until you are the one deal dealing with the pain I dealt with for far too long
Until you are the one that everyone abhors.
You see…
I've been dealing with you since the 5th grade.
You are the pesky mosquito in my ear that I cannot assassinate.
You are always there
And I can't eradicate you
You don't control me
I am reclaiming my body, my life
I am reclaiming me.
Depression, anxiety I am terminating your hold over me
This relationship is deceased.
Your words are mute in my ear
And I cannot listen.

Let's talk about mental health,
Let's break down the stigma.
Depression is challenging,
Anxiety, an enigma.
Anorexia, Schizophrenia,
Bipolar or OCD.
Whichever, whatever; repeat:
″Mental health begins with me!"
Don't believe everything you think,
It's ok to not be ok.
Don't rush yourself or force a smile,
Just take it day by day.
It's progress over perfection,
And remember you're not the only one.
Your illness does not define you,
Believe in the person you want to become!