I wanna raise my voice
Hear my words carried off on stale air
As I gaze all around
I feel the judging stares

SHUT! THE! ****! UP!
Why can't I just be me?
SHUT! THE! ****! UP!
Why is this so hard?

I wanna run, I wanna hide
Can't release what I feel inside
It tears me apart, so slowly
I wanna go, can't stay anymore
Curl into a ball and....

Death marches the streets,
A parade of defeat
Showing off these victims

They all look like me...
******

You drown me in my hatred
Sanity, taken from me, confiscated
Removed without consent
And it gets better yet

GET THE **** OUT OF MY MIND
I don't need you, I'd rather be alone
Leave me to my sorrow, my misery
END! ME!

I scream in complete silence
Subdued by my mind, red with violence
Fingers twitch and bones rattle
Fighting me, is my hardest battle

*And I've not won yet

You tear apart your enemies
With Fangs of Steel
This unique weapon of yours
Defending your friends, is why you wield
Your weapon of fangs, your only shield

You rip out the hearts
Of those
Who appose
The ones close to your own heart

You hold those
Close to you
With the only thing you can do:
Protection, affection
In those Fangs of Steel

It's all just cause and effect,
Protect and reject
Detect and defect,
Discard and collect

Trust in the trash,
Liars mix and match
Selling you the shady ****
That destroys every pact

Getting luck from a draw
The Irish in me is called
As my number is pulled
Adrenaline is pulled forth

But here is my call,
The Misfortunate fall
Around me stands doors
And all lead to closed corridors....

People hurt
Perfection is impossible
Efforts are put into both

No such thing as a perfect life
You can wish to be better, perhaps you can
But nobody can be the best

I tried to be the best
I wanted to be the best friend a guy can be
I have failed in this conquest

I placed efforts into Hippocrates Oath:
"First, Do No Harm"
Yet without meaning to I harmed anyway

Not just myself
No, this isn't me, me, me
As it always (usually) is

This is for my mates
And my friends
Difference being the genders involved

Mates are male,
Friends; female
Notice both start with the same letter?

That's me,
Organising things into some such logical order
To prevent falling into complete and utter chaos

It's a fixation of mine,
It just so happens it's also the way my mind works
Which even I, at times, fail to understand

My own mind; a concept, an idea,
One that at times fails itself
One that find self-harm acceptable, even understandable

I am such a hypocrite,
Instead of Hippocrates it's Hypocrites Oath:
"First, believe you won't do harm, believe it's bad,
And then do it anyway".

Some of this makes sense to you, Reader, I assume
Assuming that, of course, you can assume to know
What I assume you assume I'm talking about

Still following?
Okay, then I'm just rambling
Talking for no reason other than that I hate silence

I hate silence almost as much as I hate myself, at times
Silence is empty, like what I feel frequently
A genuine smile is a smile I wish to wear
(Not just to the Formal night I will be attending next year)

But how does one smile
When one has seen the truth of this world?
Cold, calculating and cruel, vicious and relentless

There is more wars then there are words to stop them
Only one world to hold these wars,
That at times words help to start

Not just talking about actual wars, either
Arguments that become full-blown hatred
Pain dosage as high as the painkillers to prevent them,
If not, higher...

I don't know what to think of myself,
Or this world that I live in
I've contemplated suicide on multiple accounts
Too "*****"to follow through...

But I have never done it, left, that is
I tried many, many, many times
But something... pulls me back

It's friendship. Family. Honour and Loyalty
I cannot leave those precious few I have
Until they themselves are gone

As long as everyone keeps living,
I guess I have to as well
Thank you for reading
*If you made it this far...

The cave that is my mind,
Quite unique, not hard to find
In the quiet, shifting gloom
Where leaves rustle and mushrooms bloom

Enter it, and the walls glow faintly,
Here time never runs out, it lasts indefinitely
See that light at the back of the cave?
It's actually a rather accommodating escape

Pass through the vines that grow thick and hang low,
From high above, a silvery glow
That sets the dew on the grass sparkling
A beautiful moth perched, it's perfection startling

Flowers of faint colours grow in the ground,
Of this hidden retreat, rarely found
Where all the best things I do keep
Within my mind's haven, it is easy to sleep

Me, me, me
Always me
Hiding away the monster
Hoping that nobody sees

I slip up sometimes
And a shudder through my spine
My head twitches to one side
And everything is red lines

Time for me to rise and make it end, once again
That voice in my head always putting me on edge
I talk to him sometimes, people think that I'm crazy
And perhaps I am, maybe, just maybe...

I growl in anger too,
A deep guttural sound
That makes people step away
That makes others turn around

I'm scared of my own monster
Perhaps you should be too
Because when I've had a **** day,
Target marked and he's hunting you

A black hole,
Swallows whole
***** out and
Devours my soul

No idea how I'll get it back
The stress gives me a heart attack
I need it inside of me
Even though it's pitch black

Need a vacuum
To consume
The black hole
And the soul it stole.

Hell, I'd run out on the street and hug a hobo
Just because it feels so good to not be flying solo
Low-key hopeless caught in action movie slow-mo
Heart racing, escalating my chest about to blow though

Tick tick kaboom, you made me more room
Rather than remove my mind roughly you made it real smooth
Laying awake til four only thinking of you
And all the things between us that i wanna pursue

Or kick-start or keep going,
These words wantonly flowing
I'm just saying what I'm thinking blindfolded i know it's glowing
The light around the edges telling me what i see
And what i see is my Queen amidst all of her beauty

I find it hard to open up
When the times I have, I get shut
Told to get over, deal with the pain
But what if I told you that I'm not the same?

There have been times when my heart burned
Because I pined, because I yearned
A lost love that was but my first
Eaten like acid, removed by hearse

Or times when I wake up and feel so empty
Like why am I here, please just forget me
Open your mind and be released
From the torturous memories that are me

Or times when anger flared up inside
And I dared you to try to hide
I wanted to end you for the lies that you told
For all of the ******* you offered, you sold

But don't forget I get depressed too
And I wondered if I really was something you could lose
If I had the worth, if I meant something
I'd hear sad songs and alone I'd sing

And everything hurts ten times more
Then what ever emotions you've had before
So don't put me down and say I ain't strong
When I've been carrying this burden all along....

Hidden agenda:
Thank you for following me .
My pseudonym is Li.
Feel free to message me anytime,
To refuse you would be a crime.
I am pretty much someone who is miserable.

Conor Blatchford:
What causes you
Your misery?
Is there anyway
You can be set free?

Hidden agenda:
Me just being me.
Only way i can be set free,
Is I am no longer who I was.

Conor Blatchford:
Talking to you like this
Amuses me so
I do believe
Our poetic answers will grow
Into a masterpiece
Of our talent
Speaking like so
A perfect balance

Hidden agenda:
A perfect balance?
Nothing is ever perfect.
A girl with many talents,
Constantly told she's a defect.

How can there ever be a balance?
When cowardism is valiance.
Heroes and honesty is incorrect.
When a socialite fails to connect.

Conor Blatchford:
You say nothing is ever perfect?
Our words in poems are
What they are about
Isn't perfect,
Not by far.

In chaos is balance
For balance rules all
Don't ever assume
That with imbalance you will fall

Hidden agenda:
Word in poems are relative.
The raven to an optimist,
Is more positive than negative.
The Telstra to an Optus.

The large and rich win,
The good are faces of sin.
The night lay await for stars,
While the stars spend on cars.

Speak of balance,
I'll show the negative outweighing,
Speak of union,
I'll show you utter absence.

Conor Blatchford:
We all sin for the good,
Or commit kindness out of devilish needs
So unobvious are we
When the Good do Devils Deeds

I do not find you a defect
For defection is an illusion
Of something far greater
Than a misplaced man's intrusion

You do not need to leave me
For i understand such pain
Humanity is give-and-take
One's loss, anothers gain

Hidden agenda:
Do what you must to succeed.
While you celebrate another bleed.
This is what Earth has become?
Soon enough trumpets and drum,
Will reign chaos and madness,
For how do we explain sadness?

Conor Blatchford:
Sadness is our deepest emotion
For this one, no cure, no potion
Yet it is natural, let it consume
And in your quiet darkness bloom
So when sadness finally does fade,
You'll be beautiful, many colours and shades

Hidden agenda:
Despair and sadness is our deepest emotion,
I agree with you but I despise the notion.
Let it eat you up, the monster will.
So consume past your fill,
Because behind sadness is a mask.
For some its an alcohol flask.

Conor Blatchford:
We are all monsters,
Are we not?
A bullet loaded
Into it's slot
The spin of the barrel,
The click of a trigger
Suicide or each other :
Which is quicker?
Sadness and Depression rule
The sickening truth; may cause one to fall
To the Demon that we have inside,
The inner killer we try to hide
It's a truth we can't deny
This sickness that we try to hide

And why?
Embrace who you are
For we are all all opposites
Of what we were supposed to be: a perfect angel, we failed it

So lay down the revolver
Give up on our affliction
Our sadness, jealousy,
Unneeded addiction

Hidden agenda:
At best all we can do is share the pain,
Celebrate our life and our death,
In a game of russian roulette.
Leave our minds to a permanent stain,
Which will result to our last breath.
Hands to fate and chance in set.

Are we all gentle giant,
Who stomp and destroy,
Over anyone defiant.
Or is there a different ploy?
After all we can't all be wearing disguise,
Some of us must go beyond and just rise.
To dream, to love, to see.
To feel and to cry with glee.

What I wanted to say: Alas, I agree with thee.

I know you, you know me
We are one and the same
So how do you fight yourself
When it's a never-ending game?

Everything I do,
He counteracts as I expect
And every dark, insidious move he makes
Is a struggle to reject

When I was always told
That I'm not good enough
As a young kid I handled it well
I just shrugged it off

So when did opinions start mattering?
When did I become so influenced?
Was it opportunity, coincidence
Or some other, unknown incident?

How I've battled for so long
I guess remains an enigma
Even to the one in concern
Raises a puzzling air, a stigma

Myself, my misery, a mystery
Decipher it if you can
For the nine years I've tried so hard
Yet I still don't *understand

Being the bigger person
Is just a morally high ground
Based revenge
And one that does not seem at all..
Low

But I prefer my revenge to be as low
As the person that acted wrong to me
So that they know my pain
It's called an equal footing

Sometimes, I snap
Some things that I wish I could take back
Because when I do them I catch flak
And I fall into a punishment trap

And
I just want to defend
All my friends
Until the end
As peacefully as I can
But my patience is easy to bend
And yet everyday I pretend

That I'm Mr Cool
Nobody's fool
Yet in fact I am a fool
For believing I could deceive you all
From the fall
Without  a warning call

But yet even when I persevere
I just can't and the results are always severe
You know they all say "no fear"
Yet I do and my eyes have shed many a tear

All I wanna do is just chill out,
Have some good times and not freak out
Share the fun and not the pain,
Did this all yesterday
Now I wanna do it all again

Living in the past
Thinking this is my last
Moment coz life is fast

But I
Hyperventilate
Tryin' to delay chance and fate
Open up this mystery crate
Look inside all I see is dead weight

That I carry in my chest
My inner demons I try to best
This annoying f*cking little pest
Eating my heart, wants my eternal rest

But I must stay alive
For my friends I must survive
Even if my demons deprive
Me of the the will to live that I possess inside but

All I wanna do is just chill out
Have some good times and not freak out
Share the fun and not the pain,
Did this all yesterday,
Now I wanna do it all again...

I wish for inner peace
And safety for those that I call friend
Save them all from myself
Don't wanna be nobody else
For honour and loyalty I will defend...


All I wanna do is just chill out
Have some good times and not freak out
Share the fun and not the pain,
Did this all yesterday,
Now I wanna do it all again

For my friends until the end
                                                             ­      Just chill out....
I will fight and I will defend
                                                          ­          Don't freak out....
                                      Share the fun and not the pain,
                                             Did this all yesterday
                                       Now I wanna do it all again....

As I reminisce over you
I lick my dry and cracked lips
Your poison, so sweet
Sharp and pointed fingertips

Mixed and lonely
I'm caged by my own thoughts
Your scars, so perfect
Struggling I've fought

Love is just a masquerade for pain
My beauty hides a beast that has yet to be tamed
But I want you, need you, I'm so lonely
And my desires remain unnamed

My scars are raised in purple
Because I loved the pain
Ever since I met you
It hasn't been the same

Kiss the desolation,
Remove the isolation
Cleanse me of my sins
To yours, let me in

From prison to prison
Though yours seems like heaven
Take me, all of me
Better trapped then dead
Better trapped then dead
Better trapped then dead

There are the whispers that call the crows and these crows are numbered three. They are named Gullibility, Doubt and Misery

If ever a time you lose your strength or become lost amongst the pain, then these three crows will ensure you never find your way

Gullibility you see, with eyes as black as mud, has razor claws always red for he always draws first blood

Doubt is quite plain but with ruffled feathers greyed. Not so much the specialist, but is best amongst the plague

And finally swoops Misery, bloodied beak on black. The final move in a worn out soul, Death's merciful attack

A two word couple rarely used
In genuine terms, at least
But all too often, more than abused
Never in response to treat

And apologies are just the same
Said so carelessly, so carefree
Follows suit after a name
But meaningless, sadly

What are words without their meaning?
When used out of context
It meant something at the beginning
But the question is what’s next?

Will opinions come to have no value?
How about symbols, or hand signals?
As I said, use and abuse
So used the tongue does tingle

Compare that to human life
What makes us so unique?
We all have opinions and advice
And without being asked, openly critique

We push others down so we can get up
Why don’t we just learn to swim?
So we can go for long enough
Without bending someone to our whim

A life forced to enforce our own
Power corrupts, and corrupts absolutely
And these maddened actions we must condone
And do so resolutely.

Why do we keep ruining lives?
Not just others, but also our own
We punish either with words like knives
And suffer all alone

I preferred to shut my mouth
And say what doesn’t need saying
Everything would be what I’d talk about
But my emotions just kept on praying

Hiding behind a veil
That was a master façade
My smile hid all detail
So to myself I said “Au Revoir”

But they could not hide forever
My darkness lifted a little
So I tried piecing myself together
Labelled “Handle with Caution, for I am Brittle.”

But despite how hard I tried
I failed to be whole
My best interests were defied
And darkness enveloped my soul

What I once hid behind
Was now a part of me
When I realised, I died inside
And self-consciously admit defeat

My hands guided by hatred
For the weakness that was within
Energy so sapped I became faded
And my Nightmares would soon begin

For a year I found it hard to sleep
As I watched my friends be Butchered
With woe and sorrow I began to weep
In helplessness I was snookered

My friend had an idea for me
One I never dreamt
To try and incite a lucid dream
And to have my promise be kept

That I would protect my friends
No matter what the cost
A brave mental battle, with no happier end
And once done, I knew all was not lost

But inside my mind I found my meaning
Even through my lack of dreaming
That life is best had when not sleeping
And reminiscing memories of bleeding

Life is an experience
That defines who you are
Fill it with extravagance
And man will you go far

It's hard to write happy things
When I'm feeling sad
It's hard to talk and "walk the walk"
When I'm feeling mad

Most of the songs I write
Are when I'm angry or depressed
And you don't have to read them
If it makes you feel upset

I'd hate to make my readers feel
The worthlessness and pain that I often do
It's hard to know if my works are "bad"
So just read a line or two

And give it a like if you really do,
Don't like it out of pity
Because it will tempt me to continue
With little or no mercy

So please do not hurt yourself
By reading something violent
And make it even worse
By keeping complete silence

There is no need to do that
So read at your peril
Because whether I am angry or sad
'Tis the work of a devil

Tweedle-dum, tweedle-dire,
I met a man who was all fire
"I fight for justice, I seek revenge,
I use violence to avenge".

Tweedle-dum, tweedle-dice
I met a man who was like ice
"I use my words to get my way
My tongue is a whip and you will pay".

Tweedle-dee, tweedle-dallow,
I met a man who was a shadow
"I keep secrets in the night,
Never exposing them to the light."

Tweedle-dee, he looked lost,
This angel I knew called Permafrost
"I do what I must to provide good advice,
Fate can wait and chance is but a dice."

Tweedle-o, oh I dare,
To tell you about a demon named Nightmare
"To **** you is my ultimate goal,
I'll bleed you out and devour your soul."

Tweedle-o, tweedle roolf,
I was surprised to meet a wolf
"I supply to those in need,
I protect and defend this wolf-pack I lead".

I realise I've been talking to myself
"Who am I, or am I someone else?"

I laugh and smile as I figure, in the end,
That I already know who I am

All of them, and they make me
I am Conor:
A wolf, an angel, a demon,
Two opposites and
A shadow
All under my name

Tweedle-o, that was easy,
Now you know what makes me.... me.

:)

I've tried
How I've tried
You pretend to know me,
Think you can see through every little lie,
Every little insignificant detail I provided about myself,
Who I was,
How I was

I try
I open my mouth but the words I wanna say
Get stuck
Probably behind these ****-ugly buck teeth of mine
So large as to block and distort
What I wanna say

I tried explaining
But once again the words evade me
Leaving me tongue tied, helpless, blind
OH HOW I'VE TRIED!
Like when I promised I wouldn't cut again
And the next day
I did it anyway
I was guilty as **** but...

I tried explaining
I tried to tell you I had an addiction,
The cigarette of the steel
The LSD of that smooth handle
The speed of that burning sensation in my arm
As it opens up to someone who can't stop himself
He's shaking as he does it, silent, words evade him
Screams evade him
And so too do friends when he fails to say
He TRIED!

You don't think he suffers enough?
You don't think keeping this promise is tough?
My mind is saying NO but only the part I control
And it's a scientific fact that you control
Only a small portion of your brain
It's not always in control
It's no override
It's no easy way out
IT'S NOT EASY

The words he wants to scream
The words he wants to shout
People look at him, disappointed when he says
What he has done,
The sin that is bad habit
Like he can ******* CHOOSE
To be depressed at this ****-awful WORLD
That constantly SUPPRESSES him,
Kicks him into the gutter
And proceeds to STOMP HIM
INTO THE MOTHER ******* DIRT
LAUGHING
MOCKING
TELLING HIM HE'S WORTHLESS
SO HE HEARS IT IN EVERY TINY LITTLE MISTAKE HE MAKES
"Oh, you didn't do this right" translates to
"YOU'RE NOT RIGHT! YOU'RE WRONG! SO ******* WRONG!"
"Can you please do this again" becomes
"YOU ****** UP MAJOR, SON, AND I'M DISAPPOINTED!"

If there's one thing I hate it's causing disappointment
If there's one thing I hate it's frowns
It's anger
It's hostility when all I ever tried to do
WAS TO MAKE YOU ******* SMILE!

I told you I tried
I tried so ******* hard
I broke my back for you
I took twice the load
I never told anyone else
Because nobody else would care

All they ever did was stomp me into the gutter
And so I turned to the one thing that gave me pleasure
This ****** addiction
Where self-harm is okay
Everyone else harms me
So surely it's okay to do it to myself

The very air I breathe is like poison to my system
Toxins in my veins, bravado slain, it's mischief
Wondering what's going on in my spectacular life
From the flames of a lighter to nomadic trips in the night

I'm a lost soul, a lone cause, I said that wrong
Just like everything else, bad lyrics to sad songs
I'm told to talk more, and told to talk less
A double standard board walk, a wooden plank into the depths

Coz we're all just fish food for ferocity, humanity
And if anything killed the cat it's curiosity, hilarity
Satisfaction: zero, this ain't the time to play hero
More or less to defend the rest and pass the test with a blue-coloured Biro

Pen to paper, ink the saviour, Jack be nimble; quick
Trying to do the right thing is worse than jumping candlesticks
I know I seem quite confident, give me the world I'll handle it
But you have to realise I'm only human with nightmares too imaginative

Just colouring in white pages to fill blank spaces
Is this just one for me or for the ages?
Because you can find a reason to smile in creation
But more reason to grin and laugh in the path to destruction

My enemy, my enemy
Was really just innocent
Someone else is spreading rumours
These lies I have been fed

Lead to believe
Lead on and deceived
I'm sorry Georgia
I got it wrong, please believe me!

I feel so empty,
Devoid and so guilty
And maybe you don't trust me
But I'm using all my honesty

Apologies, apologies
My anger has blinded me
No hatred lies underneath
But neither do I feel anything!

I hope we can be friends again
And not be at the end again
I pray that we resolve this
And not get buried in more ****

I got a lotta catching up to do
So how's life going with you?
Do you still draw? Want to be a singer?
With them beats are you still a killer?

Still play Halo? Still a gamer?
Still hold on to that title of saviour?
I'm not obsessed with you, silence ended that
So how about we begin again?

I still write, as you can see
I no longer make myself bleed
My family, you see, they support me
And are trying to set me free

I still sing songs, I still play games
Even though my friends say tf2 is lame
I ride my bike places far away
And turn to the west to watch the sun fade

Not much has changed, except inside
Where my emotions refuse to hide
I still spill feelings, I anger easy
It gets real hard for me to rest in peace

Because I still have issues trying to sleep

Nice day today, isn't it?

Don't cry for me, for I am not bad
Hey now, settle down, no need to be sad
My perspective on life may be different to yours
But lucky you, and unlucky me, I've experienced more

This world was not ready for the unstable likes of me
They say I'm insane but I see all too clearly
So wipe away your tears love, we shall meet again
In a place far from here where the two are not the same

What is life?

Is it the care and compassion
Of a select few?
Or the whiplashing torment
Of those who hate you?

Just run, don't fight
Sprint into the cold of night
Muscles pumping, no frostbite
Out the door and out of sight

Hands raised, on defence
Opponent has a death sentence
They swing wildly, stupid and reckless
Knuckles cracking, time to end this

Its funny how I can be dead in the brain
Only four hours sleep but still slaying stupid games
The people expect trust when its all turned to rust
Faulty; and your fault for letting it settle in the dust

Like hold up, wait a minute, you ******* me over
That logic you used there; are you certain you're sober?
Don't you dare try to pin your **** onto me
Just because I wont take a drink from a stagnant creek

I didn't come down in yesterdays rain
I know the difference between real and fake
I know when you're brewing an earthquake
I know enough to start making a change

I have the experience of a thousand words
Hidden behind bust lips, sounds left unheard
Vocal chords not humming, no six stringer strumming,
And buzzing like my phone does when lips start running

You could make a change too, stop and think
This relation is parched and needs new drinks
You've brought it all down, suffered in a drought,
Concocted some confusion and forged brand new doubts

I won't buy false gold no more, I'm no fool
Imma fix it up, but I need my tools
Stop acting like one too, start being a solution
You want me back? Well stop toying with my trust for your amusement

The demonic doubts demand demolition as
Corruption cries to conscious construction
Like a magician with tricks up his sleeves
The Art of Illusion, to trick and deceive

When it comes to masks the masquerade wont last
The cracks of time pushing future, past
And presently resembling the arch-nemesis assembly
The crafting of crows to call back serenity

With harshened voices, hoarse from hearing
With blacked out eyes and sores still bleeding
The information stream no longer receiving
Dull and numb they succumb unfeeling

Death, destruction and ****** demise
Shuffling heads down and lowered eyes
To touch the spawn is to provoke what lies
Further than six feet under buried heights

To fall so soon is to embrace your doom
We all have clocks that cluck their tunes
A cuckoo clock that counts down too
Moments from eternal midnight you bloom

A lunar flower, lunaticus spores
You feel the rush from opened pores
The fear irrational yet perpetuates your heartbeat
The hands line up and the springs they squeak

Laying down and without a sound
The judgement of time, a crown renouned
A wooden box to return to Earth
What Earth condemned to live and learn

A collision of energy
Your passion and purity
My will and practicality
Fused and refuse to detach

Now, I just hope it lasts

I wanna kick and scream
Tear down all the walls
Rip deep fingernail grooves
Up and down the halls

I wanna stick my fist through a wall
Punch and kick and slap
One thing I know from this for sure:
Secrets are a death trap

I can't stay
I must go
Lost my way
There's no hope
The light fades
And I choke
On the blood
That I wrote
Into my skin
It's no sin
To tell you
I wish the end
Where did it begin?
From heartbreak
To broken friends...

I tried hard
Got nowhere
Saw Death
Got scared
Saw truth
It's not fair
Saw everything
You ever did!

Look I'm sorry
But how does one find hope
When all hope is gone?

Riddles, may you waste my time
Whilst I search may I find a better rhyme
Mysteries may you consume my mind
To conceal the emotions running wild