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Amanda Apr 24
Hope the feeling of worthlessness flees my worried frame

Can you make my brain stable?

When you know the security code
Punch into my mental keypad
No other combination of words will silence the alarms of self-loathing blaring within
Ricocheting off the walls of my skull
Echoing each and every flaw exposed in myself

All it takes
One little thing to trip the sensor
And it hurts my whole defense system

You are the one able to disarm my security
And the reason is because you installed it
I had no method of protecting myself before you put me in your perspective
Now when something breaks through defense mechanism
Instead of letting confidence get stolen
Triggered noise helps me block out the negativity and focus on things I do like about myself
Then to revert my day back to normal completely all you have to do is enter the magic passcode with a sweet whisper in my ear
"You're beautiful"
Using a burgular alarm as a metaphor for an emotional defense barrier
Looking at your body
I catch feels
It must be so nice
To feel real
“I’m beautiful just as I am”
You figure
Telling me things like these
Get me triggered

Setting goals for myself
In front of the mirror
Seeing my reflection
Checking out my figure
Under 110lbs
Yes to less, no to bigger
Remembering things like these
Always get me triggered
Anorexia.
Bandung begitu kelabu,
dadaku kosong
rentang fokus kabur entah kemana
ada kacau yang meruang di tubuhku
tersisip kicau yang kian gaduh kepalaku

terus menerus menimbang
mempertanyakan perkara ranah juang
bolak balik singgah pada keraguan
lalu sebentar mampir pada keyakinan

ia, aku, terpicu keras sekali
kilas balik membeludak dalam benak
beririsan dengan manisnya kenyataan
yang juga selalu menjagaku erat

aku benci terpicu seperti ini,
guru geografi pernah ajarkan
ketika panas bertemu dingin, terjadilah puting beliung
ada puting beliung yang meruang di tubuhku

lalu hembusan nafas mengembalikan sadarku
cepat-cepat harus kukerdilkan imajinasi
ya Bapa di Sorga, bebaskan aku dari kekang gelisah
aku hanya ingin melepaskan apa yang perlu dilepaskan
aku lelah mengunci diri dalam kegelapan
030320 | 00:25 AM kamarku di bandung, ternyata kejadian 2 hari lalu masih secara berat nge-triggered sebagian besar porsi acara pulkamku. Rencana untuk rehat cukup berantakan, karena pikiran yang terus-menerus flashback ke masa indah, tapi juga terus menguatkan diri sendiri buat sadar what's done is done. Kaya baru sadar bahwa tuhan menopangku melalui A, without him idk if I could survive my broken heart back then. Found myself not really functioning, makan tp gaada rasanya, jalan tp pikiran masih aja kalut, nyetir atau ngapain aja tapi dalam dada seperti ada coretan hitam awut-awutan kaya di serial Bojack Horseman haha. This too shall pass, percaya tuhan ga pernah "salah" nulis, god's timing is perfect, never too ahead, never late & semua janjiNya akan digenapi, teringat Isaiah pasal 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." tuhan tau apa yg terbaik, karena dia ada di masa lalu, masa sekarang dan masa depan.
The Vault Sep 2019
I am exhausted.
Mentally and physically
Sore to the bone
And wanting sleep.
No work for me today
No care for my grades
I just want sleep
To make this exhaustion go away.
Solitude Man Nov 2018
She’s at a place where she feels trapped
As the mist rises and her sun is crying
She cant help but feel alone
Alone is a place were she’s been forced to feel
At home

She cannot recognise a noble deed
And allow that memory to take her
Instead the fear of being unloved
And hardly good enough
grip her hand

With every word
she is paranoid and annoyed
and triggered
into retreat
into alone
a place she calls home

they roll down a familiar face
warm and comforting
Its because she couldn’t stay
She wanted to, believe her

Believe she wants to be a better her
But she clings to alone
As a familiar face
A childhood case
That she needs to shake
She loves alone but hates it
She hates the time it gives her to think
About how unfamiliar the un-alone really is

She wants to share but she doesn’t know how
She wants to talk but she’ll be misunderstood
She wants to love him but she’s making him numb
Her sorry self is a burden and the cause of pain.
She says she felt rushed but she is here now
More in love than he can see
And then then there’s the stabbing thought that he wants to be free
Now she is comfort crying
Alone.
Issachar Bacang Nov 2018
this filthy
abomination

undeserving
of its rank

reigning over
your temper

holding your patience
at point blank

so why bother
heckling the crows

when their claws
are deep inside you

none can stand firm
before

or come close

In the hall of
the king of trolls
in the hall
of the
troll king
Lost Soul Oct 2018
Eat
sometimes i dont eat
the longest i've gone
is three weeks
i lay in bed ,my stomach in knots
cant stand up too quickly
dont wanna see spots
my body failed me again
bile came, hunger left
i cant quite remember when
water is my only friend
it soothes the hurt
acid reflux temporarily ends
water runs down my throat
when i move, it sloshes in my belly
sound like waves against a boat  
heartburn comes at night
my body and brain are at war
im kept awake while they fight
headaches come back
it hurts to open my eyes
i know its from the calories i lack
when i can handle a taste other then bile
i eat and eat , i'm called a pork chop
i know its a joke so i hide the pain with a smile
if only they knew
how i hate my body
and the pants sizes i blew
but its something i keep to myself
no need to bother someone else
its not like am a fragile doll on a shelf
....or am I ?
julianna Oct 2018
And it was
iN that split  
secOnd that i was
Rather weak.
Eating no longer  
seemed an eXit, but instead
as If it was so, so,
Aimless to do.
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