Listen

I know I'm not
What most would see to be sane

But you see
I don't see
How faking a love of romance and passion
And beautiful things

Can truly be so bad
If it's the only way he'll stay

Best Friend of my universe
The only person
I couldn't imagine a world without

When he laughed
And then nearly cried

"I don't love you anymore"

I saw the pools of hurt arise
I knew right then his words, all lies
And knew that this was my last

Chance

To keep him in my life
And as I'm selfishly afraid
Of being alone again
I took it

"I was afraid"
I swallow my self loathing away
"Because I love you"

The hope swells, he smiles wide
Laughing, he grabs my hands

"I knew you loved me"

Pang, I shut off my emotions
As he grasps my *******
And slobbers his lips on my own

Boom, my head beats in disgust
Goosebumps rising in panic
My every nerve ending wanting to run
I smile at him when he says

"Tell me you love me"

I feel bile rise, why do I do this?
Is flinging my clothes to the floor
As he leads me to my bed
The necessity to keep my last Friend?

****, why do I do this
Again and again?
Self destruction behavior, big surprise

Right?

But I swear I've never stooped so low
But I've never felt so alone
But I can't recall loving a man
But I've never rejected lust
But with him the touch is rough
But now I'm 3 months pregnant
But it's with a person I choose
But he thinks all this touching is normal
But I can't seem to ever say no

"I love you too"

I refuse to loose you my friend
Not ever again
No matter the cost

Panda woman, that is me
Wears a mask and is chubby
Climbing up a bamboo tree

"Sorry I'm late sir... I ran into a strange man down my street who kept following me and asking to borrow my socks. At first I ignored him but realizing he was following me to school, I stopped to question him. When I asked him why he wanted my socks, he said he wanted to smell their musky scent. I flat out asked this man if he had a foot fettish, and he guffawed telling me he had a smell fettish. I quickly speedwalked away from the freaky man and because my nerves were so jumbled, I forgot to grab a pass in the office."

Finally notices its a female substitue, and looks at classmates to see their mouths hanging open ready to catch flies

"So... I will just sit down now"

Your heart is there,
it's just on a different plane of existence
which is why only I can see it.
Our hearts live on the same level
of pain and secrets.

Baby Panda
You called me
A *****-*****
When you woke
And I smiled
In response

Baby Panda
When eating
Fruity pebbles
With almond milk
You croaked like
A frog, croak
Over 20 times
And got up
To spit in the sink
Excessive saliva
In between
Each bite
I asked you why
You croak
wha?
I smiled
And say
Never mind

Baby Panda
You ran to me
Sobbing as if
The world was ending
My socks!!!
No more clean
****, I forgot
To dry them
You pace
Uncomfortable
As you're forced
To go barefoot
Feet ****
For longer
Than an hour

Baby Panda
I return to
You're stash
Of a room
And picking up
Your pajamas
I smell an
Accident
Of both sorts
Soiling your
Clothes
sorry
Red faced you enter
I smile and
Remind you
To let me know
Next time
And not to
Throw it on the
Wooden floor

Baby Panda
Socks on smooth
Shoes tied with
Quadrupled knots
You head to your
Room, radio blasting
Some radio talk
Station about comedy
Until 8:21 rolls around
And you run
Like a bullet
To the bus outside
Our house
I smile as you yell
BUS IS HERE
No matter what room
I'm in

Baby Panda
I worry for you
The second you walk
Out the door
Because you have such
Big, terrifying emotions
Yet a small filter
On your words, thoughts
Of your own body
Despite the fact
That you're turning
Into a real teen
Before the summers end

Baby Panda
I wish I could help
In ways I cannot
I can't read your mind
Though you think
I should
Know how by now
I can't make socks magically
Not hurt, or have people
Not get ******
When you randomly shout
Profanities
When your last conversation
Was regarding food
And I can't
Stop the madness that
Overtakes your body
Every time you get ill
Physically, mentally


But Baby Panda
I love you now
And always will

I am
just a daisy
A tiny flower
small and obsolete
In a Field of Poppies
Who smell sweeter than I
And are larger with brighter colors
but while they might tease me for my size
It Will be Them Who are to be Plucked Away
For showing off their pretty colors in the warm sun
So I Will Get To Bloom Larger Yet Because I Am Just A Daisy

Growing a crush
Involves squishing, crunching
The heart
To hold back giant feelings

Falling in love
Is crashing face first into the pavement
Off the cliff of a mountain
Hoping someone catches the fall

A snowflake kissed me
Upon my bright cherry cheeks
The softest kisses

There was an old man on my street,
Who resembled a pig made for meat;
He cussed and he drank
He fought and he stank,
'till a car squished him into concrete!

I had a thought
A deep little thought
Some intruiging thought
The most beautiful thought

but then I forgot...

Colorless icicles hang off my hair
That has lost all of it's bounce and sway
Now resting on top my head
Looking like a disarray
Of sauced up spaghetti noodles

Oh the fun we will have
Now that you're lying here
Paralyzed by my tea 
You have nothing to fear.
Please, give me your wrist.
Now thats a good boy,
I'll tie you up nice and tight
So that you I'll enjoy.
Don't cry tears my dear
I promise you I won't leave,
Just need to get the duct tape
I don't want to hear you scream.
Oh dear this simply won't do
I need to take off your clothes
Now don't you squiggle too much
Or I might just bite off your nose
My darling you needn't be shy!
Your body's a beautiful thing,
I promise my hand will be kind to you
Since you were so kind to me.
Darling your pose is perfect!
Now is most definitely the time.
For what you most likely wonder,
*To stuff you and make you mine.

I miss the old winters
That warmed up my soul
As a kid, I'd drink cocoa
Coming in from the cold

I could sit by the fire
Mittens drying nearby
I'd watch my brothers sleep
As I made up lullabies

Papa would tell us stories
Like how his cat once flew to mars,
Or how he stole our grand mama
When fighting in a bar

I'd then make up an adventure
Of when we would be all grown
How we'd be the best of friends
And together we'd share a big home

I miss those old heartfelt winters
That held nothing but beautiful glow
But the fire has long turned to ashes
And the house is empty and cold

I place my gloves on the table
Boiling a warm *** of tea
The radio blasts to cover the sound
Of the silence that always haunts me

Blood boils hot in my veins
Begging for a release of this pain
I see your face wearing a grin
Its about time I wiped it away
Fists up, sloppy right hook
But still I stand my ground
I'm not backing down
Not now or ever again

You shout and yell
try to make me afraid
But I stay standing still
silent and brave
Im winning this round today

Swollen eyes of sleep depreieve
With giant black bags underneath
Bright red cheeks huff and puff
Raggedly pained air that I breathe

Tear stains appear on my pillow each night
In dozens of crosshatched lines
But I drudge out of bed to wash them away
So that nobody knows they were mine

From here on out- I refuse to sleep
to be forced into nightmares again
Coffee and lights as my main support
Why should I worry my friends?

They say that laughter's the best medicine

They say big feet on man means big ****

They say Donald Trump's going to end the world

They say when life gives lemons, make lemonade

They say hope breeds eternal misery

They say happy wife happy life, happy girl happy world

They say you don't know what you got till it's gone

I say, who the heck is they?

One mug- earth
2 tablespoons Cocoa mix- people
1 cup boiled water- society
1 mini marshmallow- me**

1. Place the mix inside of the mug.

2. Pour the water into the mug, and mix it until the cocoa is completely dissolved.

3. Drop in the marshmallow, and continuously dunk it into the scorching hot water until it dissolves.

4. Enjoy perfection!

Tiny wool mittens
Roughly sculpted my frame
From a flat land of snow
To a girl with no name
2 frosty green peas
Became blurry eyes
Then 10 little craisins
Made a smile so wide
My arms were uneven
One thin and one thick
Many shades of brown
But of the same stick
A mildewed blue hat was
Placed right on my head
Plus a scarf round my neck
That was cardinal red
All my wonderful features
Yet I don't think I'm real
'Cause I'm a girl with no name
Who can not seem to feel

At the young age of three
My brother said to me
"I wish I got hit by a car"
My thoughts wandered far

Why would a child?
Have thoughts so vile?
I didn't comprehend
That this wasn't the end.

At the age of 14
I typed on a screen
"I want to jump off and die,
I'm ready to meet my demise"

I understood the pain
My brother held in his brain
No wonder life felt drab
When I couldn't even feel sad.

And yesterday, at 11 years
My youngest brother told me crying tears
"I want to jump off something tall
I want to die, I feel so small"

I hugged him tight
Kissed his cheek
Told him life, does seem real bleak

But these thoughts,
I've had them too
And your brother
And grandmother
And my mother
It runs in our blood
To feel so alone
But together we're strong
So please don't go.

At what point am I known as a poet?
After how many stanzas and rhymes?
I've written some thousands of words
Yet my words are a way to pass time

Drizzling raindrops
Masked the mans freckles and tears
His flawed attributes

There, I've written some words
That describe both dilemma and pain
In a haiku format, no less
But from that- what have I gained?

Poem is quite the strange lad
As is Muse, his wife just as bad
They lure in the brains
Of us simple and sane
And we write till uncanny and mad

Wow, I've done it again
I've written a poem in style
You know, I think I'm a poet
Maybe I've been one a while...

I know the process
Doesn’t make it easier
It starts off with shock
Then leads to red anger
I’ll bargain for peace
Till I sink to depression
And hopefully by the end
I’ll have found some acceptance
I know the process
Doesn’t make it easier
I still feel the sharp pain
Since life's been taken from her

Trickling words
Drip drop
Flickering words
Burn hot
Whispering words
Never forgot

Looking at your sleeping figure for the last time
Sprawled across the comfiest couch we have ever slept on
I smile as softly as your snores that barely fill the room
Give your left cheek a swift kiss
As my silent goodbye you'll never know I gave

I slowly tuck the blanket around your hips and chest
Knowing how much you need to be held on to
Then walk out the familiar door I will never see again
Turning off my hurting heart the same way
I am forced to turn that golden, squeaky doorknob closed

A kiss on the cheek
A kiss on bare lips
A kiss on the nose
A kiss on bare hips

One kiss to a girl
One kiss to a boy
One kiss to a dog
One kiss to a stuffed toy

Kisses on rooftops
Kisses on beds
Kisses on tiptoes
Kisses thought out in heads

An addict for sure
Is what I must be
For I love me some kisses
And some kisses love me

Hello, said you.
Hello* said me.
Whats wrong you ask
I smile, nothing
You glare, Do not lie
I grin, But I'm not
You huff, Talk to me
I sit like a robot
You write in your book
my actions, Im sure
But I wont share my thoughts
with this talking doctor

We all do know this is true

That life one day we must leave

By a gruesome unwilling way

Or by the time of aging naturally

But the thing I must now implore

Is your thoughts on a life after this

As I lay unmoving in my stony grave

Will my soul feel as if it's amiss?

So mermaids, humans, elven and wolves

Please give me a piece of your time

What do you think become's of our souls

While our bodies rest buried beneath lime

I found a dead daisy yesterday

Its petals were browning and flat.

No longer pretty, you say?

Well I think it's beautiful like that...

Cold, frosty, blue lips
Seem more capable of warmth
Than her ice, blue heart

Blue orbs of blue
eyes of oceans
eyes of skies
eyes of winter
eyes of ice

Green orbs of green
eyes of grass
eyes of lime
eyes of moss
eyes of thyme

Brown orbs of brown
eyes of chocolate
eyes of rust
eyes of tree-roots
eyes of dust

My mind keeps forgetting
how to breathe right
For while others air go
In and out
out and in
In a simple function of normality
Mine falters a lot of the time

Turns my voice into wheezing gasps
The dead could speak better than I
My lungs squish into a tiny box
In the center of my chest
Causing a volcanic eruption of pain

It is a very similar feeling to my heart
Which thumps and clamors
At a speed unknown to humanity
The pace of a jackrabbit heart
whose cotton little tail's on fire
Until it simply feels like it
**pops

I asked you as a child

a very long time ago

If I left without a goodbye,

Would you let tears flow?

You held me tightly to your chest

Rocked me slowly back and forth

You promised me you'd never leave

I believed you, for all thats it's worth

I love you, said the boy
Watching his brothers nap
I love you, said the girl
Rocking her pup on her lap
I love you, said the movie
That two people watched for kicks
I love you, said the man
As he gently kissed her lips
I love you, said the woman
While she nibbled on his ears
I love you, said the father
Giving his daughter away in tears
I love you, said the dad
To his newborn baby girl
I love you, said the mom
Who had all the love in the world

Crayon wax woman
Dripping blue irises fall
On peach circle cheeks

Is Love...
Exposing bodies to be able to feel another's sweaty chest, swollen lips, sticky ***, and ragged breath?
Falling out of reality through colorful clouds until you pass out on the side of the road convulsing from an overdose?
Tending to the bruises and cuts given the night before while promising to never do harm again?
Wasting thousands of dollars on expensive toys and new fake bodies only to be unwanted years later?
Playing with the bodies of others while deceiving the one person who gave it their all?
Laying inside of strong arms and finally being able to feel safe and secure, even if only for a short while?
Waking up every day where the only contentment found is in visiting a gravestone that contains memories of a whole life lived?
A newborn child, with its bliss innocence of the cruel world it has been born into?
Being able to speak the 3 worded and 8 lettered phrase aloud?

My dear poetic friends,
I can no longer bear to lie, there's something I must tell you: I fear I'm going to die.
The other day I got real bored, so down my street I roamed. I ran into a man dressed sharply in black, whose sockets were dark and hollow.
I looked a bit closer at him, to see that his face was a skull. While gasping in shock I took a step back, and he gave me a smirk that was... dull.
He grasped my wrist and held on tight, then shoved his face inches from mine. He clacked his jaw in a robotic way, then whispered 'Its nearly your time'.
The reaper delieved his message quite clear, it seems death is coming for me. This here is my formal funeral invitaions for you.  
I hope you can make it, Vi

Perfection
Remind me how
To Dance on cue
Shaking my hips
Eyes on you

Perfection
Show me the pen
How it glides on skin
The ink blot poetry
A tattoo of wind

Perfection
Sing me the notes
That birds join along to
A symphony of sound
Music- pure and true

Perfection
Shine your light
Upon my soul
Return your love
Make me whole

Oh Holy Agony- how do you bear
To watch the screaming souls
Fight against your poison laced binds.
Oh Holy Agony- where is your heart,
Us pitiful humans you feast upon
Need not to submerge in your wrath.
Oh Holy Agony- why hath you not perished,
Deep in your ***** I've thrusted my knife
But death did not take you for good company.
Oh Holy Agony- you savagely resuscitated,
Crawling out the Fiery depths of Hell
To disrupt my ephemeral serenity.

Lying against a brick wall
I gaze at the stars above me.
twinkling, singing stars
shimmering about, gaily
dancing in the night sky.
I loudly laugh at my thoughts.
for what sane person
would think about such?

An insane person
I look towards the familiar sound
to see my nightmare in flesh and blood.
A devilish smile of promiscuousness,
his body moving with cat-like grace.
He leans his face inches from my own
commanding me with a single word, forget.
and for a little while, I did

I feel like I've lost all my toes
and smell has run from my nose.
Pink lips turned blue,
Which is what lips do,
When I've fallen deep into snow!

When I tell you
I miss the past
I don't mean my youth
In which running
Across fields and roads
Was as enlightening
As reading a book on magic

I'm telling you
Crying out to you
Trying to explain to you

That I miss the past
Where I felt like my mind
Was it's own special haven
Of magical escapades
Where I didn't feel so-

On the last day we spoke, you compared me to a 1000 piece puzzle.

One of those puzzles in which half is made up of a pretty blue sky, with big poofy clouds.

The other half is a plain field of grass.

You also compared me to a colorful rubix cube, the sparkly ones to be exact.

My unique and confusing disarray of color patterns make me approachable.

You said all this is the perspective
that while I'm interesting at first glance, no one wants to stick around long enough to solve me.

I never would of thought that a loss of a poets friendship would be harshest of all.

I guess I should have known.

Sympathy
And
Empathy
To Me
Was as Confusing
As being Forced
To Spew
Fake Apologies

There was a small frog
Splayed out on a zoo log
Its name was something-dog

I think it was dead
It didn't move its head
Nor blink its eyes instead

It was kinda cute
Though in death it was mute
So a picture of it I did shoot

A girl my age shoved past
Looked into the foggy zoo glass
To see the amphibious class

She called it lazy
Said the frog was **** ugly
Then left to see cuter things

Dead or simply asleep
Cute or a slimy creep
Who thought about frogs so deep?