honey drips out
of your words
onto my lips,

you melt
all my walls down
and sugar coat
this heart of mine
as you dip me
in your love ♥️

I wake up when the morning takes its first few breaths and it guides my lungs along,
it says;
breathe, breathe child,
it's true you're in the bottom bulb of the hourglass,
but it's not the sand you're drowning in,
it's your thoughts.

It's good to miss you,
routines make me get bored easily,
and boy have you failed at being consistent!

I'm just worried,
do you even miss me too?
If this becomes the routine,
then what do I even get out of it all?

Grey sky,
black branches cracking through,
wet grass,
broken bench,
green in your eyes
and sparks in my heart.

2:17 PM.
It hits me, I'm late.
2:17 PM - 2:18 PM.
My heart begins to ache.
2:19 PM .
I realize my life is over.
2:20 PM.
I gaze through the car's window into the sky.
2:20 PM.
I question my entire existence.
2:20 PM.
A tear escapes my eye.
2:20 PM.
Driver asks what's wrong.
2:20 PM.
"I'm late, again." I say out loud.
2:21 PM.
I realize I'm actually 3 hours and 39 minutes early.
2:22 PM.
My heart continues to ache; my life isn't over. Ugh.

remember
that having weaknesses is not wrong,
but letting them carry your life for you is.

Guilt of lack of sleep
makes me decide to go to bed early,

Guilt of lack of accomplishments
makes me unable to sleep thinking about it,

Guilt of sleeping in and time wasted
makes me put 3 alarms at 6:01 am, 6:02 am, and 6:05 am,

Guilt of my emotions eating me up,
makes me unable to get up even when Im wide awake,

It turns out that guilt is the only thing I accomplish, allow to eat my day up, and yet can't decide on lacking.

my deepest fear is no longer
a bottomless ocean,
but rather feeling your love
when it was never really there.

The first breath I take
becomes the very first choice I make

the more i let myself go
the more i pull back,
the more courage built
the more fear fed,
the more i give
the more i grieve
the more emotions involved
the more thoughts escape,
the more i know
the less i want to know.

We are out here
trying to make it out of
whatever we think
we need to try to make it out of,

will we ever reach
where we think
we need to reach,
if we are never
where we need to be?

I had forgotten
that it only hurt
because I loved
you more than
you deserved
and more than
I should have.

the 31st of every month
is meant to give you
one more chance
to cease the moment
and enjoy every breath
before the cycle ends,

the 31st of every month,
is a time to finish your to do-list,
even to start writing one
and to prepare before the
calendar folds its pages again,

the 31st of every month,
is a reminder that you
don't have to stop counting
at 10, 20, or 30,

the 31st of every month,
is a good citizen,
because it gives
more than it takes,

just ask February where its
30th has gone,
and it will tell you
how it retired and
took off with
the 31st.

We were on a road trip , on our way to meet the cousins of my father for the first time. I couldnt help but be curious about how they looked like. What they were like.  Year by year I'd discover more family members that I never knew about.

"Mom, they lived in Basrah?"

"Yes , they had."

"Huh..Basrah" I said sarcastically.

"Are they good people?" I asked.

"Yes they are, why wouldnt they be?" She said with a confused look in her eyes.

"When was the last time you saw them?" I asked, not ignoring her question quite much.

"Years ago." I was still confused because she did not number the years.

"How come I didnt meet them when i went to basrah with dad 2 years ago ?" I asked.

"Last time I had seen them myself was before we came to this country." She said.

"8 years." As I realized.

"I dont think so mom. People of iraq changed. A lot. From my latest visit." And perhaps the last visit it would be, I thought.

"Trust me on this dear." "Their father is as elegant and as royal as the head of ministry. He used to manage the biggest hotel in Iraq before he had retired." She said.

Suddenly the old images of iraq flashed in my head, and along came the current image of iraq, The comparison in my head between how great iraq used to be, how rich and beautiful the land Basrah was and how it is all gone. No admiration left, it's all an intricate matter.

The stories I hear about Iraq and the wars and the people of iraq, are close to infinity if you saw the destruction that occurred. The beautiful past, is all we have.

Sometimes, I feel like home doesnt even exist.
"Iraq". Those four letters , it's like thy dont mean anything to me anymore.
A home is a place that holds you, that keeps you warm. When did iraq ever hold me? Other than holding me backwards not forward. Other than leaving the poor cold and the rich hungry too. Where did all the blessings go? Where are the beautiful green lands? The River Tigris and Euphrates ? Helicobacter ?

It's hard to IMAGINE a country with such power, such good , such greatness , such grandeur,  magnificence, fall. But it's even harder, to WATCH it fall , and having nothing in your hands to do about it.

Such blessings, that got destroyed , on the hands of those who envied it once. The enemies destroyed the only thing that I had to believe was home.

"You know mom.. Sometimes I hate Iraq."
"Why?"
"Because it ruined our lives."

Silence filled the car for a couple of moments before anyone spoke. It was true, Iraq did  destroy us along. Iraq ruined our lives and everywhere we went our identiy was exposed but not lived by others. We once had a wealthy country, now the country is dying and the people are shattered. Mother knew it was true, even more than me, because i was just a child who couldnt remember and didnt live half the events mom had to go through. She witnessed it all.


"No one can hate their country dear, it is still your country."

It was true too, wherever I shall go, I will make my country proud, and not just a maybe, one day,Iraq will rise again, and I will have enough faith in my country that it will.
My country is not destroyed, my country lives peacefully in my heart. The people may ruin it, but it will always be as great as it used to be in my eyes.

I know Earth still orbits around the Sun,
because I know that your heart continues to beat on Earth
as the thought of you constantly rotates inside my head...

When I write, I am in my own world. An entire different world.
Putting this world into words to bring it to vitality , where the true me indepth exists.

My thoughts are my enemies, and overthinking is my best companion , joining along with my soul that ignited the two different worlds , as the world inside my head and the world where my unfortunate reality lays , are connected in those writings of mine.

Once I hold my pen, it seems like I could write endlessly for eternity.
The intellectual me is raging for more and more vitality , it's deeply intricate where my thoughts and those worlds meet.

But my thoughts are the biggest cravers for their freedom. And there, in my mind , I live and in words and letters , I expose my true inner self.

All those people, they say they care.

They say they'll be there for me, they say they believe in me.

They tell me that I'm beautiful, and that Im a worthy to live.

But those people , I do not believe.

Their words and their looks of sympathy , makes me lose hope in myself even more.

this year,
i’ve met too many people,
i’ve let go of a lot of these people,
i’ve lost a lot of respect for
so many more,
i’ve given up on others,
not just me, myself and I.

my thoughts
have invaded
continents
long before
descending on
this mind
of mine

I dont’t need a man to
love me to feel loved,

I just need a man to prove
to my brain that I can be loved by one.

woke up
on a decision
that the day is
finally here,

today is the day
I take over this
body of mine,

today I make the decisions,
today I draw the line,
today I live the moment,
today I manifest my
aesthetic into a lifestyle,

today I will act
like the main character
I am in this
story of mine,

and that's that.

i have nothing left to lose
and so much more to gain

Tonight I dont feel like sleeping. I dont feel like eating. I dont feel like dreaming. I dont feel like being. I’m done believing, I’m done feeling.

I thought you were trying to make me a better person,
I thought you knew better than I did,
but you don’t,
and I know I’m better off without you,
because all you have been trying to make out of me,
is a person you can control.

the stages of grieve
feel like they
are taking the entirety of my life

It's not cool that you did that,
why are you always contradicting yourself, on purpose?

I feel like a prisoner
amid all the chaos
that defines the parameters of my life,

Entangled in battles that aren’t mine,
when I can barely find the strength to fight my own.

Enforcing silence upon
all the oppression I have endured,

Feeling like a therapist with confidentiality clauses
constantly being shoved down my throat,

except no law is binding me to stay silent,
but there is simply no one to vent to.

I can't seem to
remember
how it felt
to spend
243 endless
days with you,

I guess that's
the best example (metaphor)
of dissociation
during trauma.

she is the sunrise shining from the west,
and he is the sunset that lovers adore,
darkness was her enemy that resided in his mind,
and arrogance never allowed her to stay down,
sometimes,
they cant handle the hours
that keep them apart,
so their colors dim
and tears fall out of the sky

trusting someone

is like

jumping in the middle of the ocean,

hoping you know how to swim.

i don’t trust you
to love me through
thick and thin,
when you’re
holding my hand
and when the
distances grow
unplanned,
to think of me
always and
not just when
you need a fan,
when you know
me by heart
but not understand,
to give me space
and not let me
push you away,
when i need your
presence and
your silence as well,
to help me through
my mistakes but
not ease the pain,
when you share
who you are with me
and i don’t get scared.

I'm sincerely sorry
that you felt how much
I don't want to be here,
it wasn't my intention
to open your eyes to the truth,
because truth is just a perspective after all
and to you all my perspectives are wrong.

Breathe in
the sunshine,
let your soul
wander
somewhere
bright for once,

dive into the
clouds,
make them
your new home,
home doesn't
have to be in
one place,

plug in new
melodies
into your
mind
and make
music out of
your thoughts.

steps to mend
a broken heart:

1. take a good look at your heart,
assess the damage
2. pick up every piece, dust off the pain
3. call a cab, rent a storage room for the unrequited memories
4. let the clock twirl its magic a couple times
5. undress what hurts, damp what you escape from facing
6. hold the weapon that fractured you and bathe in its every fraction
7. collect every fragment left in you, there is strength in unity
8. remember that self love is the only way to win this battle
9. crash in your favourite sheets, put your heart to sleep
10. take your shot at life, assess all of the possibilities

i’ve taught myself
to be silent when
i shouldn’t,
and now i’m not
when i should,

there i go,
obliviously, relentlessly
and uncontrollably making
my voice worthless and worth less.

Those days,
in the mornings,
I stay longer in bed.

Just gazing ,at the ceiling,
Trying to , forget
Those nights.
;I'm unable to dream.

Just over thinking,
to the point,  I fail to
silence my thoughts,
and my eyelids are denying sleep.

Those times,
I feel extraneously not exisiting,
I stand still , watching everything,
fall into place, nor fall apart
unaware* that time is still going,
and I'm just s t u c k.

in; This world,
I have gone underestimated.
Told I should go in others' path.

That my faith isn't good enough,
that I am too weak, too weak,                                                     @DemaaMu
that for my own sake,
I should listen, to their commands.

But I can never go any other way than the path I am destined to go on .

So I just lay in bed;
sick of pretending, someone I am not,
sick of people changing my identity,        

And in this life, in this world in those times in those days and nights,
I have gone, **unknown.

Here’s to the feelings that flow
through my veins,

here’s to the love whose trip
was a lot of pain,

here’s to the days
where I am in vain,

and here’s to your heart
that I cant seem to obtain.

Is it that hard to be loyal?

Is it really self-confidence
if it only emerges sometimes?

how do I make you jealous
when jealousy is a hostage
in the basement of my being?

how do I let go of jealousy
when sometimes I look at it and it actually is unrequited love
and other times it is just bad timing..

It is true that those are
my hands on the steering wheel
at all times,
but what direction is never, meant and to be?

It's okay if the directions
you follow are wrong,
you can always take
a U-turn and home
will always be there.

If I were to describe emotions
I would say they’re something like strawberry sherbet ice cream dipped with blue raspberry; intricate, intense and insanely delicious,
or a pink and blue sky with a little grey from the smoke of a capitalist factory; placid, painterly, and polluting,
a smile from a stranger on the 8:55 am subway ride; habitual, harmless,

I think I gave you
a little too much of my soul,

I think I may have let go
of myself a little too soon,

I don't think I loved you,
I think I just really didn't know what love is.

the question is do you miss me
when we are fighting about
something you did
and something i said
because if the answer is no,
do you even truly love me?

the weakest argument someone will make
is turning the pointing finger at you
instead of facing the fire they had started,
and this is when you know
that regardless of what words come out after,
you have won,
because you never denied the facts
when they are stated,
you never bragged with lies,
instead,
they play “peeka-boo” with the truth,
choose to re-route to your bumpy roads,
and blame their trouble on you.

there is something
about the world ending
that makes us appreciate
the things we hog on year after year,
the people who we don't pay as much attention to,
the meaning behind every gesture,
the sunshine even at sunset,
the ability to feel the day in its full 24-hours,

Being with you isn't easy,
but it's worth it,
it's right,

Being with you isn't a choice,
it's a need,

Being with you

love me
like you really see me,
like you really need me,
like it's the only thing you were meant to do.

i need you,
i need; you.

count down till it's time
to go home,
go home and count down
the time,
close your eyes and let go,
let go and open your eyes,
get up, undress,
and get down to the address,
greet, hug, say goodbye,
look, times is up, and home is gone.