I think I'm starting
to fall in love with the feeling of belonging

sip up your emotions,
swallow the days,
because what sparks
at night also dies
in the morning,
reflect on your
beating heart
and what made
it stop mid-way.

I think I gave you
a little too much of my soul,

I think I may have let go
of myself a little too soon,

I don't think I loved you,
I think I just really didn't know what love is.

letting you go
costed less
than keeping
the pain your
presence brought

i need you,
i need; you.

I can sit here,
cry myself an entire ocean
and sit at the bottom and drown in my own tears,

or I can get

Is it really self-confidence
if it only emerges sometimes?

wanting you,
or needing you,

leaves me in a
constant state
of confusion,

and focusing
on what I know
will not help me
reach a decision,

because all
I know is that
you fill my
heart with an
iridescent sapphire

love me
like you really see me,
like you really need me,
like it's the only thing you were meant to do.

How do you look at me
and only see my imperfections,
how do you see through me
and still find nothing worthy
of holding onto,
how am I supposed
do you show me your love
when all you do is criticize me,
how do I just let you be
when I can't even be..
myself?

count down till it's time
to go home,
go home and count down
the time,
close your eyes and let go,
let go and open your eyes,
get up, undress,
and get down to the address,
greet, hug, say goodbye,
look, times is up, and home is gone.

I thought I could
never feel anything
and for no one
but you,
but baby
you dug a grave
for all the feelings
I've ever had for you
and you jumped in too

how do I make you jealous
when jealousy is a hostage
in the basement of my being?

how do I let go of jealousy
when sometimes I look at it and it actually is unrequited love
and other times it is just bad timing..

It is true that those are
my hands on the steering wheel
at all times,
but what direction is never, meant and to be?

there she is,
laying in her bed,
wide awake
when it’s 4 am,
waiting for her lover's call

i forgot about the nest
of butterflies lying
at the bottom of my stomach,

turns out they were just playing dead

the weakest argument someone will make
is turning the pointing finger at you
instead of facing the fire they had started,
and this is when you know
that regardless of what words come out after,
you have won,
because you never denied the facts
when they are stated,
you never bragged with lies,
instead,
they play “peeka-boo” with the truth,
choose to re-route to your bumpy roads,
and blame their trouble on you.

everyone's entitled
to their own
perceptions of the world
and how the clock
ticks away each hour
of the day,

no one should
define who you are,
what you feel,
what you need,
other than the
spirit residing
in that body of yours,

i confused
honey-dipped words
for unconditional love,

possessiveness
for protectiveness,

holding me back
for wanting me close, (as holding me close)

infatuation
for adoration,

and desire for devotion.

what hurts the most
is not realizing
how much
you were hurting
me day by day,
and not realizing
I was being hurt
by you everyday

my childhood
was short-lived,

my skin was
repeatedly irritated
until it grew thick,

vulnerability was
never an option,

meaning didn't
always accompany
the sacrifices,

I did not always
get answers,
or ones that I had hoped for,


I did not always
have an answer,
but I have always
tried.

Would you believe me,
if I had told you
I feel colors form
when you
gently hold
onto my pain
for me,
even for a bit,

You messed up my heart,
and yet when I look at it,
it's such a beautiful mess.

history does repeat itself,
I see it in my poetry

Pain's secret weapon
is numbing you
just enough
to barely be able to
feel anything,

taking away your rights to feel,
making you

pain's secret weapon

Pain is pro-abortion,

pain's secret weapon

If I were to describe emotions
I would say they’re something like strawberry sherbet ice cream dipped with blue raspberry; intricate, intense and insanely delicious,
or a pink and blue sky with a little grey from the smoke of a capitalist factory; placid, painterly, and polluting,
a smile from a stranger on the 8:55 am subway ride; habitual, harmless,

I don't miss you, and that scary

the same way you don't
owe anybody your time,
you don't owe anyone forgiveness,
as much as you owe yourself relief,
and sometimes feeling anger
for those who wrong you
is the strongest form of self love.

Tell me how
I only break
to be strong and still,
how I only
take from me
to give to others,
how I get disapprovals
on my own pain,
how I wake up as
early as 6 am,
yet can't get up
until the regrets of
time gone to waste
hit at 2 pm,
Tell me how
to stop.

i make mistakes everyday,
in my awakening and sleep,
i stumble upon easy traps,
willingly too,
i break down my own wall
just to build it back up,
sweat my heart off
and have more scars
to remind me of the pain
that can run through my veins.

Look at you, discovering yourself for what feels like the first time. There you were, sitting in the backyard with a book you never had the chance to read, learning the hard way that you should apply sunscreen more evenly next time. Look at you, greeting your lover and welcoming new feelings everyday with open arms. Look at you, experimenting with colours other than the three shades of black you've always known and being brave enough to wear pink on your toes. Look at you, turning a bad memory into a much better one, you deserve that crown, queen. Look at you, taking matters into control

you whisper words to me
of sweetness that is so
unrecognizable,
but definitely bearable ♥️

I cant sleep. My sports bra feels too tight. My hair feels tacky. My lips feel dry. My skin feels yucky. Im tired but bored.

I am starting to feel it again,
an alarm going off, right after
a red flag if fluttered,
except my flight or flight is not quite excited,
I am stuck in-between,
contemplating flight or fight,
confused on what comes next,
dissonant about the rationality of my decisions,
and afraid of the consequences of my actions,
filled with thoughts, filling with thoughts,
and overflowing with thoughts.

Remember when we first met?
                  I wish we could meet again for the first time.

Is it that hard to be loyal?

I wonder what I am to you, just another gatsby girl?

I'm sorry you feel this way,
we both know what it's like
to fall for someone who we
can't have,
and I'm sorry I had to be that
person for you,
I know it hurts,
at least I've seen his ugly side
and learnt to overstep my emotions,
but I am your friend,
and it hurts more than you think
to know I'm unwillingly hurting you
in ways I know too well

there is something
about the world ending
that makes us appreciate
the things we hog on year after year,
the people who we don't pay as much attention to,
the meaning behind every gesture,
the sunshine even at sunset,
the ability to feel the day in its full 24-hours,

i had a dream
i was out and about
and midway the tears
suddenly started dripping
onto thy cheeks relentlessly,
i woke up feeling as if my
soul is just too sad
to ever be happy
wherever it may be.

the hardest to forget
are the little things that
made loving you worthwhile,
that well put pun you once made,
the way you hugged me from behind
infront of a never ending pond,
the first time i felt comfortable enough to
take a picture on your phone,
your voice first thing in the morning,
your love as the last thought on my mind at night,
my fingers jamming to the beat of your music on top of your arm,
the sound of your breath on a cold night,
my eyes exploring your face, every time
the way the nickname you gave me echos in my ears,
the way you never could love me gently,

The silence, becomes too unusual without having you around.

Yet another dream of you,
yet another day that we are breathing the same air,
only difference is my lungs are warm and your heart is cold.
                                        
                       ­                      Wake up *****,
                                                                I tell myself.

happy news penetrate
through my fading
soul like a wave
washing the
traces off
sand;
                            easily.

How am I supposed to stand on my feet, when all they want to do is run away?

I  don't  know
    if last summer
           was a mistake,
a self-discovering journey,
                                       or both.

you love
because
your
heart
feels
good,
and
it no
longer
pumps
blood
objectively.

I don't know
of any paths
that would
lead to you

your hands were on my shoulders
just a little bit above
where my heart was overwhelmingly beating,

I made a little prayer,
that I'd stay scared,
because your embrace felt like home,
and I guess you could say
I was too scared to leave my new warm home.

Your fingers fell on my hand,
a mistake,
I thought, I now love mistakes.

The closer and closer we got,
the more distances I wanted to
travel to get to you.

I swear
if this isn't meant to be,
I promise it wouldn't be much of a surprise,
I swear it would be just
another day,
another person,
another feeling
that doesn't want to stay,

some reasons,
I'll just never know.

when your words don’t mean much to them,
stop talking, stop arguing
when your actions can’t be seen by them,
stop trying, stop wasting your energy
when your emotions start to groan,
don’t let them build,
you know they’ll eat you up alive,
when you can’t get to a target,
even though you try over and over,
start looking for meaning in the path instead,
when you can’t get over someone,
start reminding yourself that you can,
because you know you can.

i am jealous,
but please make it stop,
i know i can't be your only friend.