sip up your emotions,
swallow the days,
because what sparks
at night also dies
in the morning,
reflect on your
beating heart
and what made
it stop mid-way.

you whisper words to me
of sweetness that is so
unrecognizable,
but definitely bearable ♥️

i think of you
and the way you
stopped me before we entered
any place, just to hold me up and kiss me

the hardest to forget
are the little things that
made loving you worthwhile,
that well put pun you once made,
the way you hugged me from behind
infront of a never ending pond,
the first time i felt comfortable enough to
take a picture on your phone,
your voice first thing in the morning,
your love as the last thought on my mind at night,
my fingers jamming to the beat of your music on top of your arm,
the sound of your breath on a cold night,
my eyes exploring your face, every time
the way the nickname you gave me echos in my ears,
the way you never could love me gently,

Would you believe me,
if I had told you
I feel colors form
when you
gently hold
onto my pain
for me,
even for a bit,

I was never introduced
to the feeling of shame
until a man knew
of a secret of mine

I don't miss you, and that scary

You messed up my heart,
and yet when I look at it,
it's such a beautiful mess.

Pain's secret weapon
is numbing you
just enough
to barely be able to
feel anything,

taking away your rights to feel,
making you

pain's secret weapon

Pain is pro-abortion,

pain's secret weapon

I still remember the first time your hand reached for mine,
I still remembering my hand going numb upon the touch of yours,
I still remember the sight of your eyes trying to trace my eyes as your hand reached for mine,
waiting for a reaction, an expression,,
I still remember the echo of your accent flowing through my ears,

this year is only half way through
and i’ve lost so much,
respect,
people,
and respect for people.

i make mistakes everyday,
in my awakening and sleep,
i stumble upon easy traps,
willingly too,
i break down my own wall
just to build it back up,
sweat my heart off
and have more scars
to remind me of the pain
that can run through my veins.

Look at you, discovering yourself for what feels like the first time. There you were, sitting in the backyard with a book you never had the chance to read, learning the hard way that you should apply sunscreen more evenly next time. Look at you, greeting your lover and welcoming new feelings everyday with open arms. Look at you, experimenting with colours other than the three shades of black you've always known and being brave enough to wear pink on your toes. Look at you, turning a bad memory into a much better one, you deserve that crown, queen. Look at you, taking matters into control

I wonder what I am to you, just another gatsby girl?

letting you go
costed less
than keeping
the pain your
presence brought

I cant sleep. My sports bra feels too tight. My hair feels tacky. My lips feel dry. My skin feels yucky. Im tired but bored.

How do you look at me
and only see my imperfections,
how do you see through me
and still find nothing worthy
of holding onto,
how am I supposed
do you show me your love
when all you do is criticize me,
how do I just let you be
when I can't even be..
myself?

I am starting to feel it again,
an alarm going off, right after
a red flag if fluttered,
except my flight or flight is not quite excited,
I am stuck in-between,
contemplating flight or fight,
confused on what comes next,
dissonant about the rationality of my decisions,
and afraid of the consequences of my actions,
filled with thoughts, filling with thoughts,
and overflowing with thoughts.

I think I love
with every cell of my being,
with every drop of soul in me,
with every breath that visits my lungs,
with every fingerprint I’ve ever left,
with every laugh that parted my lips,
with every language my tongue pronounces,
with every way I know how to love,
with everything, yet I end up with nothing..

i confused
honey-dipped words
for unconditional love,

possessiveness
for protectiveness,

holding me back
for wanting me close, (as holding me close)

infatuation
for adoration,

and desire for devotion.

the same way you don't
owe anybody your time,
you don't owe anyone forgiveness,
as much as you owe yourself relief,
and sometimes feeling anger
for those who wrong you
is the strongest form of self love.

wanting you,
or needing you,

leaves me in a
constant state
of confusion,

and focusing
on what I know
will not help me
reach a decision,

because all
I know is that
you fill my
heart with an
iridescent sapphire

there's something very wrong with me

I'm sorry you feel this way,
we both know what it's like
to fall for someone who we
can't have,
and I'm sorry I had to be that
person for you,
I know it hurts,
at least I've seen his ugly side
and learnt to overstep my emotions,
but I am your friend,
and it hurts more than you think
to know I'm unwillingly hurting you
in ways I know too well

history does repeat itself,
I see it in my poetry

I can sit here,
cry myself an entire ocean
and sit at the bottom and drown in my own tears,

or I can get

everyone's entitled
to their own
perceptions of the world
and how the clock
ticks away each hour
of the day,

no one should
define who you are,
what you feel,
what you need,
other than the
spirit residing
in that body of yours,

Tell me how
I only break
to be strong and still,
how I only
take from me
to give to others,
how I get disapprovals
on my own pain,
how I wake up as
early as 6 am,
yet can't get up
until the regrets of
time gone to waste
hit at 2 pm,
Tell me how
to stop.

there she is,
laying in her bed,
wide awake
when it’s 4 am,
waiting for her lover's call

what hurts the most
is not realizing
how much
you were hurting
me day by day,
and not realizing
I was being hurt
by you everyday

I thought I could
never feel anything
and for no one
but you,
but baby
you dug a grave
for all the feelings
I've ever had for you
and you jumped in too

I think I'm starting
to fall in love with the feeling of belonging

my childhood
was short-lived,

my skin was
repeatedly irritated
until it grew thick,

vulnerability was
never an option,

meaning didn't
always accompany
the sacrifices,

I did not always
get answers,
or ones that I had hoped for,


I did not always
have an answer,
but I have always
tried.

Remember when we first met?
                  I wish we could meet again for the first time.

i forgot about the nest
of butterflies lying
at the bottom of my stomach,

turns out they were just playing dead

Is it that hard to be loyal?

The silence, becomes too unusual without having you around.

Yet another dream of you,
yet another day that we are breathing the same air,
only difference is my lungs are warm and your heart is cold.
                                        
                       ­                      Wake up *****,
                                                                I tell myself.

happy news penetrate
through my fading
soul like a wave
washing the
traces off
sand;
                            easily.

How am I supposed to stand on my feet, when all they want to do is run away?

I  don't  know
    if last summer
           was a mistake,
a self-discovering journey,
                                       or both.

you love
because
your
heart
feels
good,
and
it no
longer
pumps
blood
objectively.

I don't know
of any paths
that would
lead to you

your hands were on my shoulders
just a little bit above
where my heart was overwhelmingly beating,

I made a little prayer,
that I'd stay scared,
because your embrace felt like home,
and I guess you could say
I was too scared to leave my new warm home.

Your fingers fell on my hand,
a mistake,
I thought, I now love mistakes.

The closer and closer we got,
the more distances I wanted to
travel to get to you.

I swear
if this isn't meant to be,
I promise it wouldn't be much of a surprise,
I swear it would be just
another day,
another person,
another feeling
that doesn't want to stay,

some reasons,
I'll just never know.

when your words don’t mean much to them,
stop talking, stop arguing
when your actions can’t be seen by them,
stop trying, stop wasting your energy
when your emotions start to groan,
don’t let them build,
you know they’ll eat you up alive,
when you can’t get to a target,
even though you try over and over,
start looking for meaning in the path instead,
when you can’t get over someone,
start reminding yourself that you can,
because you know you can.

i am jealous,
but please make it stop,
i know i can't be your only friend.

You say, "I love you" to me,
when you are happy..

but you say that I don't deserve you,
when you are mad.

You say that I am beautiful,
when you are happy.

but you say that you could do so much better than me,
when you are sad.

You say "I miss you" to me,
when you are happy.

but you say "leave me alone I couldn't care less about you",
when you are mad.

You say that it's hard to find someone like me in this day and age,
when you are happy,

but you also say...
that I make your life harder,
that I always seem to **** up,
that you should leave me,
that you don't find happiness in me,
that what is standing between our relationship and goodbye is a single mistake from me,
that a single moment can change everything,


so what is it you love, miss, and find beautiful about me?
so what is it you deserve more than my best that I gave you?
so what is that I can improve to make you find happiness in me if all of it is subjective and arbitrary to you?

so why do you say "I love you"
when you are happy

but never,  "they can never make me leave you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "I miss you"
when you are happy,

but never, "I need you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "you are mine"
when you are happy,

but never make feel like you are here to stay?

..

here's the thing about looking
onto windows at night,
you suddenly come to realize the world
in its separate yet inescapable three dimensions,
you see not only your own reflection,
but over and beyond,
you pause from blinking
and for an abrupt of an instant,
your life flashes before your eyes,
you see all of the scenes so clearly
acted out by a vivid yet an accurate reflection,
you start to remember the meticulous shade
of a sky that your cheeks were touched by,
the thickness of a boy's pride that made you
wish the world existed in only one dimension,
you feel the pain that filled the veins
of a cracked floor you once walked on,
your lips lift to form a smile a stranger
threw at you from a stage you wanted to be on,
and in this peripheral gazing,
you exist in two dimensions
stuck in between what the window
entails at day and at night.

once upon a winter,
a storm made a victim out of you,
and so you sleighed to warm embracing arms,,
but they called your feelings out as faulty,

you tried to supress the past,
indulged the present,
and disregarded any grudges into spring,
but you didn't linger for warmth anymore,
your heart ached in ways it hadn't before,
you doubted the only soul residing in your body,

sleep was your only escape from reality,
but your dreams were forearmed,
trapping you back to a survival
which you felt unfortunate to have,
next thing you know,
you become a living metaphor for, "can this get any worse?",

“You’re not that weak,
                                  and it’s not that hard.”

“You’re beautiful,
                 but more importantly than that you’re wonderful.”