There will never be enough chemistry
Between the two hearts that lie on top of one another
Beating fast, breathing faster.
Eyes closed in the dark.
We were searching for something deep
Something beautiful or complicated
I was searching for a spark.
I wanted the feeling of feeling again
That’s why I lay here naked
Intertwined with you in the sheets,
Fan on, lights off,
Listening to our hearts beat.
But it’s morning now
My bed is empty and your side is made up.
I can’t remember if you were even here
Or if it was all just a dream
A dream of ***, no passion,
And not enough chemistry.

Do you ever get that feeling,
You know the one I mean,
The one you can’t describe
Not even in your wildest dreams.

It kind of feels like drowning
While simultaneously watching yourself drown,
But there’s nothing you can do,
Just watch your body slowly sink down.

Or maybe it feels like...
Your stomach is full of lead,
Your knees are constantly buckling
And a baseball bat to the head.

Do you ever get that feeling,
You know the one I’m talking about,
When your breathing is shallow
And you’re full of self-doubt.

The constant storm of thoughts
That seem to take over your brain,
Overthinking every moment
Until it drives you insane.

Or the feeling you get
When your friend confides in you,
And tells you how
There’s nothing you can do.
Because the deed has been done,
And she’s trying to move on,
But you can’t simply forgive
An act that’s so wrong.

Do you ever get that feeling?
You know the one I mean,
The one that eats you alive
And makes you want to scream.

We can be taught
How to read and write
And cook meals
And ride a bike;
We can be taught
Simple things
Like running, swimming,
And going high on the swings;
But no one can teach us
How to love and cope
Or mend a broken heart,
Or hold onto hope.
And no one tells us
How it will feel
When you're in love,
In love for real!
Or how to handle
A lying cheat
Whose poisonous words
Are full of deceit.
Or what to do
When your heart is full
And the one you love
Has your heart strings to pull.
Or when you're in their grasp
Running on their track,
With love in you're heart
But they will never love you back.
Because the thing about love
Is that it's followed by pain,
And when you're in love with the wrong person
It will drive you insane.

The first day that I met you
My heart was pounding in my chest
But it could have been because
I ran there, to the Starbucks
On the Ave
The one you used to work at
But maybe it wasn't because I was
In such a rush
It could have been the coffee
I've heard that can increase your
Heart rate
Or maybe both of these are wrong
You see, I was born with a slight
Arrhythmia
Which messes with the way my heart beats
But maybe it was my hearts way of saying
This one is the one
There's no way of knowing
But ever since that day
I've been smitten;
Scheduling my whole day around
Getting to see you
And I even remember the first time
I rode in your car
Because
You were worried about me
But it became a regular thing
You drove me home on the nights
You worked a close
And each and every time I fell more and more
And you started to feel like home
Because home is not a place
But a feeling in the heart,
And maybe it was my arrhythmia
But I've felt it since the start
And then you up and left
You moved so far away
But you needed to be with your family
I just wish you could've stayed
So I guess I had to visit
Because I was craving you so much
You see, you're like a drug to me,
You're my ******
My crutch
Because I wouldn't make it
Through every day life
Without your voice to hold onto
And our conversations replaying
Over and over
In my painseeking mind
Play it through
Then rewind
Again and again
I reminisce you
And every time we're together it's like
The world stops
And as we lay together
You tell me
"I can hear your heart beating are you okay?"
And maybe you heard
The arrhythmia
Which is why you were concerned
But my heart pounds in my chest
Like the timpani in an orchestra
And every third beat is half the length of the others,
But that's just *the arrhythmia

Confined to the four walls of my room,
Lost without you,
Locked away in my self made tomb.
Crying into my pillow
Til its tear stained on both sides,
Knowing that that was our last goodbye.
I miss you.
There is nothing left to do but
Reminisce you,
And I intend to.
You were my ******.
And when I was down,
You were my heroine.
But now that well is dry,
So I drown my sorrows in *****
And all I do is cry.
I don't know why you left me,
But it makes sense;
I'm depressing, you see.
But it's okay because
I have a lot of time alone,
To think of where I first went wrong.
But you're all I seem to want,
You're all I ever think of,
And your presence haunts my thoughts.

Nothing could have prepared me
For the way you make me feel,
The way you look at me,
The way you smell,
It's all so real.
Or is it surreal?
I haven't figured it out,
Because every time we're together
My heart races in my chest,
Pounding on the walls of my rib cage,
Beating faster and faster,
*Let me out

It was your average heartbreak,
Except it wasn't really all that average,
And only one heart broke,
But can a broken heart break again?
Because if not, then there really
Wasn't any bloodshed...

It was complicated you see,
Because I loved her and she loved me,
But she didn't think it was right
Or meant to be,
Or something along the lines of
We shouldn't be a "we".

But that's not all, that story is plain,
You see, now we're long distance,
Five and a half hours via plane.
Not only that, but no one knew,
They didn't know about me or you
And certainly not us two.

But I was in love and I gave you
Everything that I could afford.
I gave you my soul, my love,
And bought gifts til I was poor,
But it wasn't enough
To keep you on board,
So you left.

And when you left,
I became severely depressed.
I locked myself in my room,
Taking pills around the clock
Smothering myself in a hazy gloom.
I stopped eating because I could,
People told me to get help,
But should I? I should.
But I didn't
Because the only opinion that mattered
Had up and left me on the floor,
Tears streaming down my face
As you walked out of my front door.
You walked out on me that day,
And you've never come back since,
We were going to live life like a fairy tale,
Two princesses, no prince.

But now I lay here,
On a bed made for two,
And only one side gets slept on.
If we meet a genie and get three wishes,
I only want one thing,
To move on.

Like that old sweater
In the back of your closet,
You know the one I'm talking about;
It was your favorite,
You wore it all the time,
And it may not fit right anymore,
But you can't get rid of it,
Well, because it was your favorite
For all these years,
There are so many memories
Tied to that sweater.
And maybe not all of them are happy,
Or make you smile when you wear it,
But it hold the secrets and scars of your past,
So you have to keep it, naturally.
But every time you take that sweater
From the back of your closet to see
If it matches your outfit,
And you decide,
Maybe not today,
You see the faded color,
You see the memories,
And you know, just like your sweater,
You're wearing thin.

I never learned how to swim,
And now I'm drowning in my thoughts.

My ears are full of water,
My side is cramping up.
The goggles you gave me are foggy
And my lungs are shriveling up.

I feel the water in my brain,
Swirling around my thoughts.
One moment I think you love me,
The next, you love me not.

And maybe if I learned to swim,
Maybe things would've worked out.
But I guess we'll never know,
My mind is now full of doubt.

But even great swimmers
Sometimes need help.
That's why there's lifeguards at the Olympics
Alongside Michael Phelps.

But I never learned how to swim,
And I'm drowning in my own thoughts.
But you said you would teach me,
It's too late, I'm seeing dark spots.

So let me sink to the bottom of the pool,
Where swimmings not important anyhow.

For my birthday
You got me
A razor blade
Necklace.

Good night kisses,
Watching a movie,
Wrapped in a blanket,
Two straws in a smoothie,
Four legs intertwined,
Two glasses of wine,
Her head on your shoulder,
She's just a year older,
Holding her close,
You cuddle all night,
Keeping her warm,
Holding her tight.

Wake her up with a kiss,
On the forehead and lips,
Look into her eyes
And thank God she's your prize,
Treat her like royalty,
As if she were a queen,
Open her doors
And buy her nice things.

But more importantly
Than any of that,
Love her unconditionally
And she will love back.

I miss how your skin feels
When it's pushed up against mine.
With your fingers running
Through my hair
And your lips on my lips.

One hand on my neck,
One of my hands on your hips.
Pulling you closer for one more kiss.

Falling asleep with our
Legs intertwined.
My head on your chest
With a heart that's blind.

The goosebumps you give me
Run down my spine.
As you tell me you love me,
Our hearts align.
Although, it's momentary.

I wish we could stay here,
Forever and always.
In this moment of love
And comfortable daze.

What if every time a person yawned,
It was actually the silent scream of a
Demon wishing to be set free?

What if every time someone cried,
It was a demon clawing it's way
Through their brain?

What if every time I went to bed,
I thought of you and how you're
Probably doing these days?

Would you think of me too?
Probably not.
And that's what I've got to accept.

When you hold a flame to an unlit wick
It takes an unbearably long time to catch.
The wick is pretty and new,
Covered from top to bottom
In a waxy coating of armour
That keeps it safe longer.

When you hold a flame to a previously lit wick
It catches fire within a few seconds of exposure.
The wick isn't so new anymore,
It's walls have been burned down
It's armour is gone and the
Beaten up wick is vulnerable.

I never thought it'd be you.

I never thought I'd fall in love,
At least not after the heartbreak of last time.

I never thought I'd meet
Someone like you,
Who would change me so quickly.

Someone like you,
Who listens, knows, and cares
About what I'm feeling
And why.

Someone whom I can trust
And rely on, no matter what,
No matter when,
And know for a fact that they
Will never leave my side.

Someone like you,
Whom others would know
As a close friend,
Or maybe even a best friend.

I never thought I'd be saying this,
But you're more than a friend,
My love runs so much deeper.

I never thought I'd fall for someone,
As great as my best friend.

I never thought it'd be you.

Because sometimes she wishes
Her heart would stop beating
And her lungs stop breathing
All at once...

I was at a loss for words,
When I had learned the news.
My best friend called me, crying,
Stuttering that it was her mom that she would lose.

I was confused, dumbfounded,
Until she said the word; cancer.
She was shaking and crying,
But I couldn't give her an answer.

Why was this happening,
To a woman so sweet and caring?
She desided to try out chemo
For her family's sake; she was so daring.

She fought and fought,
For nearly seven months.
Then on the seventh of December,
Her eyes closed and heart stopped all at once.

Dear Valerie,
May she rest in peace.
Lord, let her take it easy,
And all her pain cease.

Bless this family,
In this challenging instance.
Bring them closer together,
With their newly made distance.

Pint sized cutie,
With a black girl *****,
She's got so much sass,
And it comes from that ***.

On the outside she may seem
Sugar coated;
Sweet and perfect to you,
And she is, but she's human too.

She's been knocked down more times
Than she could keep track of.
Not unlike the rest of us who have had
Someone and lost them in love.

She has grown as a person,
Making a name for her self,
Working two jobs, being an adult,
Taking care of animals and her own health.

She truly is a star,
And definitely outshines the rest,
She's become a role model to me
And she's more than a friend - she's the best!

I look at my left wrist,
The fleshy part,
And I see a window
Into my dark past.
Yes, there are scars
From battles that I fought
And demons that I tried
To cut out of myself.
I grew up playing
Doctor and house,
But no one ever told me
Not to cut the demons out of myself.
I could feel them inside me,
So I tried to get them out,
But my knife wasn't sharp enough,
Or my inscisions were too shallow.
I tried knives and other blades,
I tried alcoholism and drugs,
I tried filling the void with other things,
And popped pills around the clock.
I thought, if I can't **** my demons, maybe they'll **** me,
But I don't want to seem defeated,
So I cut out the middle man,
And tried on my own to **** me.

I woke up in a hospital,
In a gown I'd never seen.
My arms and legs were strapped down
And I began to scream.
Not a scream like getting spooked,
Or when you're taken by surprise,
But the scream of a girl in horror movie,
During her process of being exorcised.
I screamed in horror
And I screamed in pain
Realizing what I had failed to do
And my life would never be the same.

I breathe you in
Like the chemicals I inhale,
In a sad attempt
To forget you.

The thought of where
Your hands used to be,
Wrapped around my waist,
Now feels so ghostly.

I hear your laughter
Ringing through my mind,
Cluttering my thoughts,
Thoughts of when we were intertwined.

It's in the time when you're surronded
By nothing but air
And no one to talk to that the
Pain becomes too much to bear.

It's when you need it most,
That no one is near,
You bottle everything up,
The pain, emotions, and fear.

Starting a new life,
In a place with no one you know,
Can be one of the hardest things,
But it's a fear you can't show.

You have to protect your brother,
He can't know that you're scared,
As if moving across the country wasn't enough,
Then your mom's health - you weren't prepared.

You suit up to take life head on,
Act as your baby brother's second mom,
Take care of your mom, the house,
And family, while trying to remain calm.

It's a lot to deal with,
A lot of pain to bear,
But you're stronger than you know,
And by this, I swear.

Your support stretches across the country,
You've got people who care and love you,
Life hands us things that aren't easy or a choice,
But we know you're strong enough to push through.

May God bless you and your family,
With whatever life may bring you to,
You are always in my prayers,
I put my faith in Him to take care of you.

They say, "it's for the best"
and "it just wasn't meant to be",
but maybe it wasn't him at all,
maybe it's me.

Maybe it's always been me,
it's always been my own **** fault,
how can I sit here blaming guy after guy,
for what has happened to my heart; assault.

It was the fault of one guy,
and it happened long ago,
but it's affected every relationship
I've been in since then, though.

Maybe I pick losers,
or guys that don't know
how to treat a girl right,
or maybe it truly is me, my fault, and I.

Some people get married early
and last until the end of time,
others like me, stay lonely,
never having reached their prime.

Maybe being with someone isn't for everyone,
or maybe its just me,
I guess it will be a while before I find out,
but this is probably as happy as I'll ever be.

Maybe
Some people
Are meant to be alone,
Like me...

Did you ever notice the hidden words
In peoples names?
I did. I still do.

Like the silent "hell"
Hidden in
Michelle.

And I wonder if it's a
Coincidence or just
Very unfortunate.

But then I realize that theres a
Devil hiding inside
Your soul.

Your frizzy fuckery of hair
Hides your horns,
And your apron hides your
Dagger of a tail.

But you pierce the souls
Of everyone you
Talk to or look at.

When you call out someone's name,
Or summon them for something stupid,
You can almost hear their blood,
Boiling in their skin,
Their heart palpatates in their chest,
It feels as if the air was vacuum packed
Right out of their lungs
As they start to shrivel up in your chest.

But you just go on
With your evil laugh
As others wince in pain,
Because you might not be the devil,
But the silent hell in your name was
Not a mistake.

Nothing compares to the hell
You put everyone through,
Michelle.

They say, "if you love something,
let it go" and that, "if it returns,
it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was",
but does that saying apply to people?
Because I don't want to let you go.
I don't want to let you walk
out of the door to my life.
You won't come back, but it's not
because you never were mine.
It's more because you don't have family here,
and once you're gone you wont have a reason
to come back here.
And it's expensive anyway to fly across the country
just for a visit with someone.
But I'll miss you. I don't want to let you go.
*I don't want you to leave me.

My very presence exists
Entirely with
Depression.
I
Can't seem to find
A cure to my emptiness.
The sense of hopelessness
Engulfs my whole body.

My attempts at seeking therapy were
Extremely inoportune and unconstructive.

She sits with one leg
Crossed over the other,
Her hair is parted
Off-center,
But not enough to be
Considered a side-part.
Her smile is a little crooked
Because of a surgery she had
Years ago.
Her gait is a little awkward,
Especially when she runs,
And her hips aren't nearly
As wide as her personality.
She has a birth mark that
Most people would not
Say is aesthetically pleasing,
But regardless of her imperfections,
She is perfect to me.

Big round eyes,
Warm kindered heart,
Cheerful spirit,
Pleasing soul,
Overabundent love,
A type of love
Unexplainable
To those who have
Yet to experience it.
Lives without worry,
Aims to please
Never angry,
Slow to judge,
Quick as a cat,
Peacful as a dove,
Oliver is a love.

Everyone is quiet,
Papers rustle,
The slow speed fan
Creaks above our heads,
The air conditioning
Is broken,
We start to sweat
From sunlight coming in
Through the tintless windows.
Exhausted,
We sit in silence,
Unwilling to share
Information.
Miserable in this heat,
Someone drops their pen.
As he picks it up
The room sighs,
Almost as if in relief
That he retrieved it,
While no one else moves.
It's far too hot for that.
The table smells like mothballs,
And the people around me
Smell like sweat,
Perfume and cologne.
You can smell the coffee
Oozing from their pores.
Bloodshot eyes,
Aching backs,
And all-consuming stress.
I'm in class.

Your soft brown skin
Touches mine
And sends a shiver
Down my spine,
Inhaling your scent
Triggers me
To flashback into
My memory.

You detach yourself
From the place
You called home and
Fall to the ground with grace.
Oh autumn leaves
And smell of fall
How I've missed you,
I've missed it all.

Going to sleep is the scariest thing.
Not because of nightmares
Or sleep walking or whatever else,
But because of the uncertainty.
The uncertainty that a new day will start,
That your life won't be significantly altered,
Or that your loved ones will be the same.

Normal people don't dread sleep though,
But there's just something about cancer
That makes sleep an uneasy task.
Having a mother with cancer will change your entire life.
From dreading the thing you cherished most,
To not knowing how to live your life.

You become used to being woken up for
Middle of the night treks to the ER.
And to think about becoming used to that
Well, that's enough to make you sick.
But you have no choice but to trudge through,
You have to seem strong and stable,
But going to sleep is the scariest thing.

Painkillers intended to numb the pain
But they numb the heart from beating.

Administered to the ill and injured
Resulting in worse illness or injury.

An injury to the heart beat
To the collapsing lungs,
The vital components of life.

Without the medications,
The symptoms return
Full-fledged.

But with them, the ability
To function normally
Is absent.

The question at hand is
Whether it is better to suffer
From pain or numbness.

Is it normal
To cry
For no reason?

Does anyone else
Sob silently
To fall asleep?

Do you ever
Get angry
And lose it?

How do you
Control it
Or does it
Control you?

Are you ever
Enraged; depressed;
Does it stop
Will it?

Three day old
Store-bought mac and cheese,
That has been reheated
Twice
But the cheese and macaroni
Have started to separate,
The cheese clumping together,
And despite the scortching corners
Of the dinner,
In it's store container,
There are large sections
That are as cold as the fridge.
It's like you warmed it back up
Using nothing but your
Low powered hair drier.
It tastes like poverty feels.

Running, eating, sleeping,
She lives a hurried life,
From one moment to the next,
Everything can change.

Sleeping, running, eating,
She rushes from here to there,
On to the next thing
Before the last had finished.

Eating, sleeping, running,
She's always five steps ahead,
Moving quicker than you can guess,
It just doesn't stop.

Running, eating, sleeping,
She lives a hurried life,
She russhes from here to there,
She's always five steps ahead,

Until she stops, dead in her tracks,
Unable to breathe, her heart pulsating
Faster than what is healthy,
And he tells her, "you have asthma".

Sitting in the cold doctors office,
She awaits test results,
While sitting in nothing but a cheap gown,
With one tie in the back.
She sits on top of the examination table,
Feeling her legs cover with goosebumps,
And her heart thumping in her chest.
She clenches her fists and releases
To let out some anxiety that she has
About what this means for her future.
She shivers as a chill rushes down her spine,
The small hairs on her arms, back and neck stand up,
She slouches as if she is folding into herself,
When a light knock at the door
Straightens her spine to the fullest,
And the doctor walks in...

Much like being trapped in an elevator,
Awaiting your rescue,
Wondering if you should be the one to save yourself,
But you start panicking once the doors wont open,
You feel yourself shrinking,
Drowning in your thoughts,
Internally collapsing from the stress,
You begin to hyperventilate,
But not audibly, no, it's completely silent,
The utter silence itself is deafening,
You question the stability and structure
Of the suspended room that your life is being held in,
Back to the silence, was that a creaking sound
Or are you just starting to become paranoid now,
Is someone on the outside trying to pry the doors open
To help rescue you, and get you out,
Or is someone simply mindlessly hitting the elevator button
Waiting for it to come, though it never will,
Surely they'll become annoyed and just take the stairs,
But how are you supposed to get out of this situation,
This state of complete panic, you start to sob,
And that's when you realize that this is what anxiety feels like.

I close my eyes and count to ten,
I try to count sheep; those *******.

The haunting thoughts keep me up,
I'm exhausted but restless.

I try and try to keep my eyes shut,
Then once again I fail.

Maybe I'll sleep better in this position,
I think as I roll over.

Thoughts race through my mind
And continue to keep me up.

The good, the bad, and the ugly,
They all have the same effect.

The pillow is too hot, time to flip it,
Yeah, I'm sure this will help.

But I can't sleep because my life is
A living nightmare.

How do you react
But with utter sadness
And sorrow when
You're given a time frame?

When there's a time stamp
On your life as you know it,
How do you act around
Your family and friends?

Do you spend the six weeks
That you've got left,
Moping and sulking,
Or making the most of every moment?

It's hard to focus on success
When you know the ultimate reality
That you're being faced with,
And quite frankly, it *****.

Your life went from whatever
Normal may be for you,
To living every moment
On a severely impairing time crunch.

Six weeks, seven at best,
But regardless, it's not enough time.
You need time to cope,
Time to heal mentally.

You need time,
But that's the one thing you don't have.