Sitting in the local coffee shop,
Listening to coffee shop songs,
Doing work but simultaneously
Watching people.

Studying psychology,
Of the abnormal type,
Watching behaviors,
But not reflecting inward.

Sipping hot coffee,
Burning your mouth on it,
But trying not to react.
Someone across the cafe saw you; ****!

Studying people,
Drinking coffee nonchalantly,
Watching behavior,
Reflect inward, ******.
Reflect inward.

When I was younger,
I used to always see which raindrop,
On the window of the car would beat
All the other raindrops to the bottom
Of the window.
I'd sit there, watching, concentrating so hard,
Just to guess and be wrong,
As another raindrop would pull ahead
At the last second.
I was always so amazed by the raindrop
That won, that I'd pay no attention to the others,
In the same way, you're that raindrop that won;
You're all I paid attention to,
And now the only raindrops that win
Are the ones that fall down my cheeks.

With 8 billion people in the world,
You'd think it would be
Impossible to feel so isolated.
So tough to explain,
I'm frustrated,
This is complicated,
I feel like my soul has been obliterated,
Mutilated, and violated.
I can't think straight,
And no, I'm not gay,
Just a little confused
Feeling battered and abused,
My heart's been misused
And I have been accused
Of using others, when I'm the one being used.

Painkillers intended to numb the pain
But they numb the heart from beating.

Administered to the ill and injured
Resulting in worse illness or injury.

An injury to the heart beat
To the collapsing lungs,
The vital components of life.

Without the medications,
The symptoms return
Full-fledged.

But with them, the ability
To function normally
Is absent.

The question at hand is
Whether it is better to suffer
From pain or numbness.

She sits with one leg
Crossed over the other,
Her hair is parted
Off-center,
But not enough to be
Considered a side-part.
Her smile is a little crooked
Because of a surgery she had
Years ago.
Her gait is a little awkward,
Especially when she runs,
And her hips aren't nearly
As wide as her personality.
She has a birth mark that
Most people would not
Say is aesthetically pleasing,
But regardless of her imperfections,
She is perfect to me.

Your soft brown skin
Touches mine
And sends a shiver
Down my spine,
Inhaling your scent
Triggers me
To flashback into
My memory.

You detach yourself
From the place
You called home and
Fall to the ground with grace.
Oh autumn leaves
And smell of fall
How I've missed you,
I've missed it all.

Three day old
Store-bought mac and cheese,
That has been reheated
Twice
But the cheese and macaroni
Have started to separate,
The cheese clumping together,
And despite the scortching corners
Of the dinner,
In it's store container,
There are large sections
That are as cold as the fridge.
It's like you warmed it back up
Using nothing but your
Low powered hair drier.
It tastes like poverty feels.

Big round eyes,
Warm kindered heart,
Cheerful spirit,
Pleasing soul,
Overabundent love,
A type of love
Unexplainable
To those who have
Yet to experience it.
Lives without worry,
Aims to please
Never angry,
Slow to judge,
Quick as a cat,
Peacful as a dove,
Oliver is a love.

When I close my eyes,
I can feel you beside me.
When I sit in utter silence,
I can hear your heart beating.
When I breathe in,
It's you that I smell.
And when I smell your jacket that I still wear,
I can taste your lips on mine.
And when I taste your lips,
It sends shivers down my spine.

I miss you.

Confined to the four walls of my room,
Lost without you,
Locked away in my self made tomb.
Crying into my pillow
Til its tear stained on both sides,
Knowing that that was our last goodbye.
I miss you.
There is nothing left to do but
Reminisce you,
And I intend to.
You were my ******.
And when I was down,
You were my heroine.
But now that well is dry,
So I drown my sorrows in *****
And all I do is cry.
I don't know why you left me,
But it makes sense;
I'm depressing, you see.
But it's okay because
I have a lot of time alone,
To think of where I first went wrong.
But you're all I seem to want,
You're all I ever think of,
And your presence haunts my thoughts.

You will never be successful,
     Face it.
Failure is in your destiny,
     Always has been,
          Always will.

Good night kisses,
Watching a movie,
Wrapped in a blanket,
Two straws in a smoothie,
Four legs intertwined,
Two glasses of wine,
Her head on your shoulder,
She's just a year older,
Holding her close,
You cuddle all night,
Keeping her warm,
Holding her tight.

Wake her up with a kiss,
On the forehead and lips,
Look into her eyes
And thank God she's your prize,
Treat her like royalty,
As if she were a queen,
Open her doors
And buy her nice things.

But more importantly
Than any of that,
Love her unconditionally
And she will love back.

How is it
That with a few simple words,
You tore my heart out of my chest,
Ripped it open as it was still beating,
Used tongs and tweezers to dismember it,
Then threw it back in my face,
Useless, a mess, and broken?

I feel worthless,
Like a body without bones,
I'm just a puddle of useless parts,
And my voice is just a drone.
No matter what I do,
Something good or bad,
I get yelled at regardless,
By both my mom and dad.
I get yelled at everyday,
And I cry every night,
But I'm too weak to put up a fight,
When I know it's just going to happen again;
Light or dark, it does not matter,
The yelling just never stops,
I wonder if it's all my fault anyway.
I need to know before my heart pops or bursts from this pressure.
As if school isn't already hell,
Just crawling through the hallways between the bells,
Harsh kids with even harsher words,
I shouldn't let it bother me, but it really hurts.
After years of antagonizing, the pain builds up,
And if I'd been drinking this suffering, It'd fill ten million cups.
This is just an under exaggeration,
Because the pain is worse than I can describe,
I don't want to live on this earth or have this life,
Pains that bring up the thought of suicide.

They all leave.
They all come into my life
Then leave.
We bond, and start to love each other
But before I know it, they're gone.
One by one,
It happens over and over again.
Everytime a new one comes to me,
They leave just as quickly.
The most unlikely of friends,
And more unlikely lovers,
One moment they're here,
The next they're gone, forever.
I don't know why this happens to me,
I don't know how to prevent it.
All I know is I'll love you always
So please don't leave me this time...

My one and only
Is your **** buddy
The imaginary relationship
Ive lived with him is
Irreplaceable
But for you,
He's just a *** toy.
I wonder if he knows it,
Or if he has feelings for you,
Who knows or cares,
Not her; but me, I do.

The first day that I met you
My heart was pounding in my chest
But it could have been because
I ran there, to the Starbucks
On the Ave
The one you used to work at
But maybe it wasn't because I was
In such a rush
It could have been the coffee
I've heard that can increase your
Heart rate
Or maybe both of these are wrong
You see, I was born with a slight
Arrhythmia
Which messes with the way my heart beats
But maybe it was my hearts way of saying
This one is the one
There's no way of knowing
But ever since that day
I've been smitten;
Scheduling my whole day around
Getting to see you
And I even remember the first time
I rode in your car
Because
You were worried about me
But it became a regular thing
You drove me home on the nights
You worked a close
And each and every time I fell more and more
And you started to feel like home
Because home is not a place
But a feeling in the heart,
And maybe it was my arrhythmia
But I've felt it since the start
And then you up and left
You moved so far away
But you needed to be with your family
I just wish you could've stayed
So I guess I had to visit
Because I was craving you so much
You see, you're like a drug to me,
You're my ******
My crutch
Because I wouldn't make it
Through every day life
Without your voice to hold onto
And our conversations replaying
Over and over
In my painseeking mind
Play it through
Then rewind
Again and again
I reminisce you
And every time we're together it's like
The world stops
And as we lay together
You tell me
"I can hear your heart beating are you okay?"
And maybe you heard
The arrhythmia
Which is why you were concerned
But my heart pounds in my chest
Like the timpani in an orchestra
And every third beat is half the length of the others,
But that's just *the arrhythmia

I was at a loss for words,
When I had learned the news.
My best friend called me, crying,
Stuttering that it was her mom that she would lose.

I was confused, dumbfounded,
Until she said the word; cancer.
She was shaking and crying,
But I couldn't give her an answer.

Why was this happening,
To a woman so sweet and caring?
She desided to try out chemo
For her family's sake; she was so daring.

She fought and fought,
For nearly seven months.
Then on the seventh of December,
Her eyes closed and heart stopped all at once.

Dear Valerie,
May she rest in peace.
Lord, let her take it easy,
And all her pain cease.

Bless this family,
In this challenging instance.
Bring them closer together,
With their newly made distance.

When you hold a flame to an unlit wick
It takes an unbearably long time to catch.
The wick is pretty and new,
Covered from top to bottom
In a waxy coating of armour
That keeps it safe longer.

When you hold a flame to a previously lit wick
It catches fire within a few seconds of exposure.
The wick isn't so new anymore,
It's walls have been burned down
It's armour is gone and the
Beaten up wick is vulnerable.

I look at my left wrist,
The fleshy part,
And I see a window
Into my dark past.
Yes, there are scars
From battles that I fought
And demons that I tried
To cut out of myself.
I grew up playing
Doctor and house,
But no one ever told me
Not to cut the demons out of myself.
I could feel them inside me,
So I tried to get them out,
But my knife wasn't sharp enough,
Or my inscisions were too shallow.
I tried knives and other blades,
I tried alcoholism and drugs,
I tried filling the void with other things,
And popped pills around the clock.
I thought, if I can't **** my demons, maybe they'll **** me,
But I don't want to seem defeated,
So I cut out the middle man,
And tried on my own to **** me.

I woke up in a hospital,
In a gown I'd never seen.
My arms and legs were strapped down
And I began to scream.
Not a scream like getting spooked,
Or when you're taken by surprise,
But the scream of a girl in horror movie,
During her process of being exorcised.
I screamed in horror
And I screamed in pain
Realizing what I had failed to do
And my life would never be the same.

They say, "if you love something,
let it go" and that, "if it returns,
it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was",
but does that saying apply to people?
Because I don't want to let you go.
I don't want to let you walk
out of the door to my life.
You won't come back, but it's not
because you never were mine.
It's more because you don't have family here,
and once you're gone you wont have a reason
to come back here.
And it's expensive anyway to fly across the country
just for a visit with someone.
But I'll miss you. I don't want to let you go.
*I don't want you to leave me.

Secrets, secrets, are no fun, unless you share with everyone.

But what if the secret affects someone else?
What if the secret negatively impacts yourself?

Secrets, secrets

I try to clear my mind,
But it keeps popping up
Time after time.

Are no fun

I want to yell, I want to scream,
I want the whole world to know
What's eating me alive
And why I'm bursting at the seams.

Unless you share with everyone

I have been sworn to secrecy,
And I cannot tell,
I've sworn myself in,
And with this I dwell.

The past is heavy,
But secrets weigh more,
And with no one to tell,
My heart and brain begin a War.

I'm battling myself,
At every given instance.
And oh, how I wish
I could return to my days of innocence.

But I have been sworn to secrecy,
And now I cannot speak of it,
Such an invasion of privacy,
And a secret I can't admit.

But maybe, just maybe,
One day I will.
I'll get it off my chest
And will no longer feel mentally ill.

Secrecy does weird things
To a person,
And the longer it goes on,
The more their mental health will worsen.

Secrets, secrets, are no fun, unless you share with everyone.

Much like being trapped in an elevator,
Awaiting your rescue,
Wondering if you should be the one to save yourself,
But you start panicking once the doors wont open,
You feel yourself shrinking,
Drowning in your thoughts,
Internally collapsing from the stress,
You begin to hyperventilate,
But not audibly, no, it's completely silent,
The utter silence itself is deafening,
You question the stability and structure
Of the suspended room that your life is being held in,
Back to the silence, was that a creaking sound
Or are you just starting to become paranoid now,
Is someone on the outside trying to pry the doors open
To help rescue you, and get you out,
Or is someone simply mindlessly hitting the elevator button
Waiting for it to come, though it never will,
Surely they'll become annoyed and just take the stairs,
But how are you supposed to get out of this situation,
This state of complete panic, you start to sob,
And that's when you realize that this is what anxiety feels like.

Social media has led to this world
Of anti-social people;
Created this void for seeing others
Face to face - let's just skype or facetime.
It's no wonder so many teens of this
Generation think they are depressed,
They base all self worth on the number
Of likes they get on their selfies.
The number of followers and
Online "friends",
I'm just saying,
This is only the beginning.
Whenever something happens,
Whether good or bad,
Everyone gets out their phones to video
And post to Youtube - it's a new fad.
People text and message each other,
They are dating through social media sites,
Every instance of their relationship is through media,
Half of all break ups occur through text - that aint right.
What happened to the days of playing outside,
And kids going on play dates while their parents bond,
Now the kids I babysit have an iPad, tablet, computer,
And an iPhone which is nicer than mine.
Did I mention they're only 5, 3, and 7,
And they share their electronic toys,
But what happened to going to playgrounds
To play with other girls and boys?
Now they only play online,
Because their friends are all online too,
They're saying, "Hey man, give me a life",
But sadly, this is what their life has become and there's nothing I can do.

As I stare, deeper and deeper,
Into the abyss, before me,
It all becomes quite clear,
That the abyss was just a mirror.

Staring blindly into myself,
Made me realize how empty I am,
Not to mention how broken,
But that's best left unspoken.

I am empty, and broken,
Like a car on the side of the highway,
Or better yet, a black hole;
I have a body, but lack a soul.

I am an abyss of darkness,
I am empty and useless to all,
I haven't surmounted to much at all,
It's because of you; you made me fall.

Going to sleep is the scariest thing.
Not because of nightmares
Or sleep walking or whatever else,
But because of the uncertainty.
The uncertainty that a new day will start,
That your life won't be significantly altered,
Or that your loved ones will be the same.

Normal people don't dread sleep though,
But there's just something about cancer
That makes sleep an uneasy task.
Having a mother with cancer will change your entire life.
From dreading the thing you cherished most,
To not knowing how to live your life.

You become used to being woken up for
Middle of the night treks to the ER.
And to think about becoming used to that
Well, that's enough to make you sick.
But you have no choice but to trudge through,
You have to seem strong and stable,
But going to sleep is the scariest thing.

You probably don't know
That I've had a horrible day,
Struggling all day to make it
Through, feeling this way.
And you would go so far
As to say, "this one's on me",
Which makes me tear up,
And you say "don't worry".
I have faith again in humans,
Despite all I've been through,
And some people ask why I give,
And it's all because of you.
It's because of what you did for me,
When I was down, you picked me up,
Whereas most people these days,
They wouldn't give a ****.
Pardon my language,
But it's true you see,
Because of what you have done,
I stopped thinking about me, me, me.
The world is a better place when we
Take care of each other,
We share this planet, and
Through Christ, we're all sisters and brothers.

She's one of a kind,
Unique to us all,
With a body so slender,
And the opposite of tall.

She's a petite little girl,
With a big personality,
Always being creative,
And has a lot of originality.

A dancer, and talented,
In many other ways,
She withholds potential,
And will for the rest of her days.

Do you ever get that feeling,
You know the one I mean,
The one you can’t describe
Not even in your wildest dreams.

It kind of feels like drowning
While simultaneously watching yourself drown,
But there’s nothing you can do,
Just watch your body slowly sink down.

Or maybe it feels like...
Your stomach is full of lead,
Your knees are constantly buckling
And a baseball bat to the head.

Do you ever get that feeling,
You know the one I’m talking about,
When your breathing is shallow
And you’re full of self-doubt.

The constant storm of thoughts
That seem to take over your brain,
Overthinking every moment
Until it drives you insane.

Or the feeling you get
When your friend confides in you,
And tells you how
There’s nothing you can do.
Because the deed has been done,
And she’s trying to move on,
But you can’t simply forgive
An act that’s so wrong.

Do you ever get that feeling?
You know the one I mean,
The one that eats you alive
And makes you want to scream.

Here's to the teenagers that congregate in sketchy places,
Tell their parents they are "at a friend's",
Get wasted on cheap liquor that they probably got from a homeless man,
And get high on every drug in their disposal.
Here's to the rebels that need to break free from rules,
That need an escape from reality,
Or that just want to forget some things,
Maybe not even forever, but for right now.
Here's to the generation of thots, sloots, and ******,
Those who think they're looking for a good time,
Or the ones who have yet to experience this,
Lying so much - you live two lives.
Here's to the youth of now,
Whether you're 16 or 20,
You probably are in this rebellious phase,
Or you will be soon.
Here's to you.

Use me,
Abuse me,
Don't look at me,
Just through me.
Force yourself
Ontop of me,
Then let me grieve
Quietly.
I lay there crying,
Soaking the sheet,
The uneasiness within me
Starts to repeat.
Hit me,
Quit me,
Don't love me,
Don't lust me.
Break me,
Shake me,
For God's sake,
Heartbreak me.
Tell me when it's over,
Tell me when you're done,
And as long as I'm crying,
Just know that you have won.
My body's weak;
You make it weaker,
But you keep taking,
You push deeper.
And then at once,
You're up and gone,
They ask for a description,
I tell them, *"the Devil's spawn".

As you pass by,
Your scent
Is carried through the air.

It wafts toward me,
As I smell it,
I'm nearly brought to tears.

Because you were mine,
All mine.
But now you're her's.

It makes me so upset,
Its hard for me
To put into words.

You broke my heart,
which ruined my life,
and then you broke all theirs'.

People think I'm overreacting,
Or crazy,
Or obsessed.

But they don't know
What love is,
And how it can be expressed.

Like that old sweater
In the back of your closet,
You know the one I'm talking about;
It was your favorite,
You wore it all the time,
And it may not fit right anymore,
But you can't get rid of it,
Well, because it was your favorite
For all these years,
There are so many memories
Tied to that sweater.
And maybe not all of them are happy,
Or make you smile when you wear it,
But it hold the secrets and scars of your past,
So you have to keep it, naturally.
But every time you take that sweater
From the back of your closet to see
If it matches your outfit,
And you decide,
Maybe not today,
You see the faded color,
You see the memories,
And you know, just like your sweater,
You're wearing thin.

"When you're at the bottom,
There's nowhere to go but up".
When you've hit you're all time low,
You start to envy those at the top.
You give your least effort,
And strive for average.
You feel weighed down,
And carry so much baggage.
Everything you do
Causes you to be distressed,
You only focus on the negatives
And don't realize that you're blessed.
You crawl through each day,
Trying not to suffer,
But day after day,
It gets tougher and tougher.
Hang in there though,
The good will come to you,
I know it's tough right now,
But try not to be so blue.
Hold on tight,
And hold your head high,
Try not to cry,
Because pretty soon, you'll fly.

You know how,
In those moments
Right before you fall,
The earth starts to
Crumble beneath you,
And you can see your fate
As it happens almost
In slow motion,
But not slow enough to stop it from happening,
Or even to brace for impact.
So there you are contemplating
Your fate of falling,
As it happens right before your eyes,
Unable to protect yourself,
Or prevent the impact;
Helpless in a sense;
Like a calf just learning to walk,
But it stumbles,
And you want to help it,
But you know that it has to learn
How to walk on it's own,
Or it will never be able to run.

As I lay here,
With my head on your chest,
Our bodies entangled,
You've got me wondering.
You've got me wondering,
Just how many girls
Have laid here before me,
How many girls did you talk into bed?
Do you use the same lines on all of us?
Did you tell them what you told me?
Or is it really different with me?
I lay here with my head on your chest,
My eyes wide open,
These thoughts racing through my head,
When you ask me,
What's on your mind?
But I keep quiet about this,
Mumble nothing to you,
And as you drift off to sleep
I grab my things and leave.
I grab my things and leave,
Just like all the others did before me.

I miss how your skin feels
When it's pushed up against mine.
With your fingers running
Through my hair
And your lips on my lips.

One hand on my neck,
One of my hands on your hips.
Pulling you closer for one more kiss.

Falling asleep with our
Legs intertwined.
My head on your chest
With a heart that's blind.

The goosebumps you give me
Run down my spine.
As you tell me you love me,
Our hearts align.
Although, it's momentary.

I wish we could stay here,
Forever and always.
In this moment of love
And comfortable daze.

Is anyone out there?
Does anyone care?
I may have lost my best friend,
Now my heart feels bare.
For years we were inseparable,
But that is no longer true,
Something stupid has separated us,
And now I'm feeling blue.
A bond so strong,
We could tear any army down,
Now so weak,
And I am the one on the ground.
I'm trying to reach you,
But you keep walking away,
You've left me on the ground;
Won't you please stay?
Come back for me,
Please, I'll do anything I can,
To make it up to you,
Please understand.

There's one thing more painful than a broken heart,
And that's loving someone who'll never love you back.
Sure they can love who you are and love you as a friend,
But they'll never love you in the intimate way you love them.

If you're going through heartbreak,
You may think I'm full of ****,
But I've been heartbroken before,
And loving without love in return is worse than it.

Heartbreaks are horrible and scary and rough,
But loving the unloving is so much more tough.

I can't really explain just how I feel,
But the love I'm in is just too real,
If only you knew, maybe I'd have a chance,
Or maybe just maybe, I'm the only one entranced.

I've loved you forever,
Or as long as I've know you,
But I've kept it a secret
And I plan to continue to...

Everyone is quiet,
Papers rustle,
The slow speed fan
Creaks above our heads,
The air conditioning
Is broken,
We start to sweat
From sunlight coming in
Through the tintless windows.
Exhausted,
We sit in silence,
Unwilling to share
Information.
Miserable in this heat,
Someone drops their pen.
As he picks it up
The room sighs,
Almost as if in relief
That he retrieved it,
While no one else moves.
It's far too hot for that.
The table smells like mothballs,
And the people around me
Smell like sweat,
Perfume and cologne.
You can smell the coffee
Oozing from their pores.
Bloodshot eyes,
Aching backs,
And all-consuming stress.
I'm in class.

You're the hurricane
Swirling through my brain,
Your words are the lightning,
And my tears are the rain.

Nothing will make up for
The scars and the pain;
The suffering and tears,
And cursing your name.

I feel so depressed;
So upset and ashamed,
My world without you
Will never be the same.

Am I making sense
Or am I insane?
You are an anchor,
And my love for you is the chain.

I'm stuck on you,
Though you are the one to blame,
I got so hurt,
Yet you remained the same.

I'm drowning in my love for you,
Or is it hate that I now show?
After all that you've done to me,
I love you, but want you to explode.