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Aug 2015 · 643
Fight or flight
Makenzie Marie Aug 2015
there is a storm
quickly, swiftly, hurling forward.
And you are the first to know,
you are the first to feel it coming,
                            smell it looming,
                            taste it's imminent downpouring.
So take cover in your homes
or rush into the open.
Run away, little mouse
Come out to play, mighty lion.

Scream as the storm speaks out for you,
and feel the winds shake the bones of your burrow.
Or embrace the storm as it shapes you.
Feel the wind while it moves the earth beneath you--
while it blows east, west, north and south--
and works to keep you stable.
Cower under covers
while the thunder causes your world to crumble ,
And the lighting catches fire to your yard.
Or come out of your den
and dance.
while the thunder conducts your life's composition,
and the lighting creates a light show
for your nightly festivities.

Come out to play little lion,
Come out to stay,
do not be afraid.
Embrace the storm.
Makenzie Marie Jul 2015
Don't date a girl like her.
Because she giggles too much and trusts too fast and it's all because she's been brokenhearted too many times for things that never shoulda or coulda lasted and learned that life is so much better when you laugh things off and have faith in your surroundings-- including the people.
You'll find that she's rainbows, sunshine, and cotton candy. And much like a day at the carnival you might turn some corners to find all sorts of surprises. And some of them will be dark and scary and some will be taste tries of churros and your favorite sweets that you can't find anywhere else in the world.
She's like a carnival because you'll never find her staying in one place too long, but the things you love most about her-- the thrill rides and the people watching and the sponteneity-- it'll always stay the same.
She'll "borrow" your hoodies and your sweats and you'll probably let her keep them because she looks so cute in them while she's all cuddled up next to you. She'll give you massages after a long hard day as long as she can trust that you'll give them back.
She'll sing along to all the songs she doesn't know but be patient and love her shy confidence because she can only sort of carry a tune and she belts it out anyway. If you compliment her laugh and call it cute she'll smile about it for days because she knows it's obnoxious and she's insecure.
And she's insecure about a lot. She's learning. She's learning to love herself and she's trying. But when you compliment her, and when you remind her that she is good enough, it helps her see that she is worthy of trying to fall in love with.
She's trying to fall in love with herself. She's trying to be the kind of person that she even wants to love. And she's not there yet. But maybe you can help her.
Maybe your fearless singing and your confidence and your faith can help her to become herself. Maybe you can bring her our of her shell. Maybe if you let her steal your hoodies and let her tuck her feet under your thighs because she's cold and let her be open about her life..... maybe then, by those small and simple things, you'll become yourselves together.
And on second thought...Maybe... just probably... you should date her.
@ the boy who will never see this.
Makenzie Marie Jul 2015
Last night was a perfect night,
watching shooting stars across the sky
the crackling firewood
and the glimmer in our eyes;
smores, and stories
of troubled times
and how we're grateful we made it out alive.
Scripture study fireside,
testimonies, and lots of tears cried,
lead to long group hugs to dry our eyes.

This is what real Friendship feels like:
this is remembering why I needed to stay alive,
this is why I'm grateful for God's presence in my life.

And I think I'm learning,
"borrowed time"
means staying up until the sunrise
and still calling it Saturday night.

Why else would He have created Summertime?
Grateful to He who planned out my life for giving me such amazing friends and influences in my life to remind me why I fight
Jul 2015 · 569
Letting go sucks.
Makenzie Marie Jul 2015
It's bittersweet,
whatever this is that I'm tasting
as I wave goodbye to the good times
and the bad, and the lies;
I say goodbye to the tears I've cried,
and let go.
And I struggle to release
because I've been holding on so tight that my hands are cramping
and it's like
I lost the muscle memory,
like I've been grasping on to the idea of us for so long
that no part of me knows how to forget the lyrics of our songs,
that every inch of me just wants to keep holding on.
But I'll keep forcing myself to let go
because I know
it's better for both of us if I go...
Makenzie Marie Jul 2015
I feel like I crossed oceans for you.
And I feel like instead of even crossing puddles for me you've been splashing me with the water in the gutter and telling me that it's raining, because you know that the rain captivates me and you're sorry that you got my hair wet.
I feel like I crossed oceans for you and soaked my soul in my desire for you and you couldn't even step across a puddle for me, even though it was only inches deep.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
half of me
honestly
Just wants to fly
until my fingertips can touch the sky...
until I can taste the sunrise.
I want to know the flavor of the cotton candy sky
at five.
(Does it taste the same in the morning and at night?)
I want to breathe in the stardust that I've been wishing on all my life.
I want to fly.
I want to be where you cant tell earth from ocean or sky.
I want to find
that magic that's invisible to the naked eye.
I want to light a fire
In my heart and sould and mind....
I want to fly.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Midnight
in my mess of a room.
outer chaos
but inner peace.
And outside there sleeps a beast
that breathes with the wind
and immitate the ocean so I can sleep.
And it's pitch black tonight
at least, looking out from inside.
Beyond the tufts of grey sheep
sleeping in the summer heat
worlds are colliding,
lighting up my midnight sky.
Cities burned, and people died.
planets and countries and towns were sacrificed
to bring light to my midnight....
And it happened lightyears ago, I know.
But it's those little things that give us hope.
worlds collide
and die,
so that we have something to wish on at night,
something reminding us to hold on tight
just until the sun rises.
And when it does
and lights the sky
the world will sing the victor's cry,
simply because
you are alive.
So hold on tight.
The sun will rise.
Look up, hold your head high:
the entire galaxy
is cheering for you
"fight for your life."
"Stay alive."
And "be alive."

Outer chaos/
inner peace.
Because the beast
inside me?
Tonight, he's asleep.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Storms Pass.
but the problem is
that even though eventually the storm will be over,
the destruction will still lay in it's wake.
Even though you can rebuild the entire city,
it will forever be shaken.
it will never be the same.
Storms pass.
but like buildings and bridges,
people break.
And you can stitch up a broken heart,
but even after it heals,
a scar remains.
And now there's a tangible, visible, literal scar
one that you don't know formed
and it shows that things changed.
And I don't know when it will fade,
but even with all the vitamin e on my thighs
scar tissue will remain
beneath the skin on my knees,
reminding me
about when I fell for you too hard,
reminding me of when the storm destroyed our town
reminding me of how many times
I've had to build myself up after a breakdown.
How many times I wanted to go to you
but was too afraid to,
reminding me of when you weren't there for me to.
Storms pass
and maybe this one has,
but the city has turned to rubble
and I can't decide if I want to rebuild,
just to wait for the next storm warning,
as if anyone could expect it,
or if I should just move on from this tired old town.
Because it's dark,
and the sun is rising...
but the electricity is out.
And the scar tissue reminds me,
that my heart fell apart when all the buildings fell.
And I know a long night is coming.

I think you'd be surprised how cold it can be in Hell.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that beneath the beauty that lures me in
it's darker than any abyss I've ever known.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that the second you even dip a toe in,
chills consume everything.
But I dove in headfirst,
and I went numb so quickly
that I forgot that I was catching the worst kind of hypothermia.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that the second I dove in
I got lost in them and forgot how to swim.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that it's a tsunami wave
waiting
to wipe out the entire city
and every speck of light that inhabits it.

Your eyes are like the ocean
but the secret behind them
is that I have no idea
whether,
when I went swimming,
I sank or swam.
But either way
I'm pretty sure that when the storm hit,
I drowned.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Most of the time
it's a four letter word
that you want to avoid.
But this one is different
in so many ways.
It's longer--
in the pangs of pain it leaves...
That pain lasts longer than any butterflies.
Because butterflies come in the beginning,
and no sooner than this word is spoken
their wings are broken
leaving them unwilling and unable to fly.
And the pain you feel,
the pit in your stomach,
and the cloudy darkness in your eyes,
is how this word leaves them to die.
It's the "hell" in hello
(and there's no good part of it,
despite what you've heard.
What does that even mean, parting on "good terms"?).
I mean,
sometimes it's what you need--
this ***** word--
it's sometimes necessary.
But even fragile butterflies' wings
need provocation
to be broken
the glass won't shatter
with simple words unspoken,
or their beauty being forgotten.
Their crystalline glass has to crack
before it meets the breaking point.
But maybe it's best, sometimes, leaving things unsaid.
Maybe it's better
pretending that your heart hasn't bled
for the death
of those beautiful creations.
Maybe all can be well,
not tainting your hello
by dragging it through the muddy waters of hell.
But maybe attempting that
is diving straight into the deep end
damning yourself to all but drown
in that personal
pool of hell....
But maybe once this word is uttered,
you're damning some part of yourself as well
letting go of what once was so special.
And maybe that's why it's a ***** word.
maybe that's why it'd be better
if it were only four letters.
Because this word darkens skies,
and kills butterflies.
It breaks hearts
and diminishes the light
in Innocent's eyes.
This word ends hope
of new beginnings,
or anything close to extra innings.
This word reminds you you've lost the game.
This word finalizes the score,
no matter how much you might want more
time
or conversations,
or butterfly wings.
This word is a light switch,
but it only reads "off."

so say
g̶o̶o̶d̶bye                                              ­    
to the lights
the "maybe"s
the  "someday we might"s
and the butterflies.
Those butterflies died when we uttered goodbye.
Makenzie Marie May 2015
Tonight the Sky cried for me.
The crickets sang, for me,
The most captivating melody.
The Wind whistled at me,
and wrapped around me, envoloping me in it's beauty.
And for the first time in a long time
I felt at peace,
free of anxiety.
I felt pretty.

And I'm so dang lucky
to hear God's voice in everything
whispering,
"I love you, darling."
May 2015 · 788
black holes and ocean skies
Makenzie Marie May 2015
In all honesty
I'm sorry
that you ever fell for me.

Because I'm a black hole:
Dark as heck and ice cold,
Because my blood doesn't circulate just right...
My heart is broken and I feel it most at night
And now you do too, most of the time.

This Abyss tears open and into me...
And you'll get lost in me.
And it's worse than being lost at sea
because there's nothing to see
And there's no one there to hear your screams.

It's drowning in nothing,
Essentially,
Being lost in me,
Now, especially,
worse than anything
Any bad dream.

Because it'll become a dream
pretty as it seems,
It's not, honestly.
And leave it to me
To tear it from your grasp.
Brace for impact.

I'm sorry for everything
I'm sorry that you love me
Or something.

But I shouldn't feel bad
For not loving you back...
I care about you, but the truth hit me like a shark attack.

I was trusting of the deep blue
In your honest eyes...
Unaware that they hid so many lies.
And as I floated on my back
Unsuspecting and relaxed
I stared at the sky...
And the shark attacked.

And now I'm the one drowning
I got trapped and confused in your web of...
black holes and stormy skies.
Makenzie Marie May 2015
This silence
Between us
Used to make my heart
Believe in love.

But maybe
The truth you hid
Is that it's just
lust
And lies
And cloudy skies.

Now it's...
Something wrong
a skipped line in your favorite song
And a city collapsing
Under the weight of our unsaid words
Everything going unheard.

I know the weight
that your tone of voice carries.
It's scary.
And I know you can hear the meaning
Behind my "I'm sorry"

And I'm sorry about that.
2am isn't the same anymore.
May 2015 · 941
Release
Makenzie Marie May 2015
I love it when it rains.
I love the thought that even the sky
has to cry itself dry.
I love the notion
that our roof
of clouds and sunshine
has to let go of all of the commotion
of being bulletproof
sometimes, too.

I love that after this release,
everything feels and loooks and smells brand new.

Sometimes we've all gotta do that too.
Makenzie Marie May 2015
When I fall, I fall hard.
And each time I only shatter my heart.

stupid girl.
May 2015 · 327
All We Are
Makenzie Marie May 2015
hollow words and hollow hearts, searching for the missing parts.
Makenzie Marie May 2015
I am that girl. The strong girl. The conqueror. The positive one. I am the one who surprises everyone. The outgoing, social one. The happy one
And thanks to those people, that is also who I want to be.
But this girl is also the girl who constantly dissappoints herself. She is the one who loves and forgives everyone without second thought, but struggles to love and forgive herself. The weak, fragile, and afraid one. The one who sees how bad things could really get. The one who realizes that the “rock bottom” that she hit in the past was just a lucky ledge, caught on the way into the dark abyss. She, the terrified little girl, with monsters in her mind, She sees that it gets darker, and is constantly praying that the sun in her life won’t set. But she’s also one who loves the pitch black silence of middle of the night because it’s nice knowing that the world she’s putting on a front for is asleep and unaware.
She is the one who has struggled and suffered. She is the one who always will. But she is the fighter, not the quitter. She, herself, is victory.

There is so much that nobody knows.
There is so much more to me.
May 2015 · 259
Violent Silence
Makenzie Marie May 2015
The words to ask for help are so closely within my reach
And I'm silently begging
"Please
save me
from me."
Because I can't even start
to explain
this pain
That is stabbing yourself in the heart.
Makenzie Marie Apr 2015
There are entire worlds
behind your eyes.
Stories hiding deep inside.
Places where hopes and dreams thrive.
Places where
...maybe...
my heart can reside.
Worlds where the irational things
exist rationally.

I swear,
Behind your eyes
there are worlds
that I
could travel far and wide,
Where I
could see the beginning
and the end of time.


And I know
Your eyes hold secrets.
But so do mine.
Apr 2015 · 2.3k
I Have Trust Issues.
Makenzie Marie Apr 2015
Honestly,
all I want
lately,
is to trust you,
completely.
I just need
to know
if I am safe
to let go...

If I release
and expect peace
only to have my heart
ripped apart
piece by piece...
How will anything be left
for me to give away
to someone
who I hope will stay?
Apr 2015 · 702
Celebrate the Victory
Makenzie Marie Apr 2015
Is it the future that I fear?
The war
always ever near?
But really, so what
if life is unclear?
I can hear
the whispers of my Lord,
who is always nearer,
who's sole purpose:
to steer
my ship to safety.
He brings to me
those good tidings
of joy
and peace.
This war I'm fighting...
the uncertainty
overwhelming me...
everything
has already been won
By the love and sacrifice
of the Almighty Son.
He who bids unto all men,
"come."
Makenzie Marie Apr 2015
"I want to **** myself"
I say
But no, I promise,
not today.
I'm planning on never actually.
cuz today
I swear
things are pretty okay.

I love my life,
and the beautiful blue sky,
the spring air whipping by,
the almost silent sound of a sigh...
and their engaging eyes...

I love living
and looking forward
to summer swimming,
looking ahead
to everything I've been missing...

Being alive
is such a rush,
a roller coaster,
and I'm loving the ride.
It's a grand adventure
every day a new surprise.
And nothings going to change my mind
I love this life.
Mar 2015 · 1.5k
Depression frigging sucks.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
I don't know.
I'm sad
and I'm mad
about being so sad.
Because I know life isn't so bad,
and I'm trying to add
more of the happiness I've previously had
and I'm so dang glad
I mean, I can see the blessings I have.
But no matter how bad
I want to not be sad
or how hard I try...
I still sit here with tears in my eyes
and I'll tell you "I'm fine."
And you know it's a lie;
I'm holding on for dear life.
I am tired
and the fire
in my eyes?
Along with my cloudy heart,
and the cloudy skies;
those flames
are dimming
going out with the city lights
in the middle of the night
Like if I just hide
and take some time
to get things right
The despair will somehow
dissapear from my mind.
Maybe if I try
being kind
to myself
...and my heart and my mind
I will be fine
sometime.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
Can I just say
***** you for alwasy leaving me
to question things?
To wonder what the heck will come of you and me?
What in Hell
made you think it was okay
to treat me like I was just a game
a fragile heart created for your play?

***** you
for leaving me blaming myself
***** you
for leaving me to worsen my own health.

And I know it's unfair for me to blame you.
You were young too
and I know you didn't know what on earth to do
about the days that my heart was soaking more in black than blue.

But I think that it was you
that handed me the dye.
You brought back the hate
and allowed me paint
the black abyss
in which
I sunk deeper
with all your lies.

And you try to come back
just when I've creawled out
like a slap
to the face,
a silent shout
into the void,
the abyss, a vaccuum
muting all noise.

And thank goodness for that.
the silence
because you can't take back
all of your lies
and I can't take
any more of your bull
I looked back on some poems I wrote about you... all I have left to say today is ***** you.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
Shallow breaths,
tight chest,
blurry vision,
No rest.
*******
by my thoughts:
make it stop...
‘give it all you’ve got.’
Head spinning,
hope dwindling.
Skin burning,
bones chilling.
Drowning in air
a sinking ship;
dying of thirst,
and I don’t get a drip.
Surrounded by an ocean
and I can’t see
anything.
I can’t hear
for the life of me.
This feeling
I swear
is killing 
me.

Whispering:
“give in
don’t get up
stay home
you’re not enough.
Even if there’s nothing wrong:
walk out the door
and harm
will come”
This ubiquitous feeling
draping
over me,
enveloping
everything,
wet,
and weighted...
bet you’ve never hated
someone so much
you’d stab them in the chest
and without a moments rest
grab them at the throat
so tight they can’t whisper a note
and leave them wondering
if they’ve even given their best
after their whole self feels negated.

**This hate,  
this punishment 
or something,
draped
over me
so viciously
is known as:
Anxiety.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
One minute
my body is sreaming,
shreiking;
It's deafening,
the roaring inside me.
Excruciating.
It's
tearing
at the seams
it seems.
In that minute
the pain is searing,
scortching,
It's blinding fire raging
and burning
up every bit of me.
It's debilitating.
An angry
sharp,
sore,
stiff,
stabbing,
torturously
unending
pain.

And suddenly
with the magic
of medication
it's becoming
fuzzy.
I'd like to thank modern medicine.
Mar 2015 · 298
happy places
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
I noticed today
that things have changed
Things don't look so dreary, babe.
The sun is shining
so much brighter, darling.
My smile
is actually coming from inside
me
and it's reaching my eyes,
really.
It's plain to see
in the way I choose to view
my life.
It's nice.
Want to come with me
On this journey?
Say yes,
I'd be happy.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
This is a story
about love
and lust
and misplaced trust

and the subject,
the main character,
today:
avoiding the dive--
the rush of fear and feeling alive--
because of those experiences
with that love
and lust
and misplaced trust.

The Character
has been here before:
heart on sleeve,
opening
up:
thinking it's love.
But no luck.

And it all
seems to be
an unlucky series.
Because that paper heart
was played with, you see
(At least now we know that it bleeds).
That fragile glass *****
was put into the hands
of a careless child
playing a part in the pitiful dance
of telling this story.

This Character
once gave it all
Jumped and flew
and then,
just fell.
Nobody caught this trusting sap
And at the landing:
You could hear that heart crack

But we recover--
stitches do heal--
so it might just appeal
to this storybook Character,
to try bending
the rules created
to keep that heart a little safer,
to leap once (or a few times) more
because behind one of those doors
is the fairytale ending.
Fairty tales always start with the opposition. I think.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
He* loves me
but she loves him...
and I think i love someone else.
So how the heck am I supposed to know what's meant to be?
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I might as well give up the act
Because I know the impact
And how it will attack
Stabbing me in the back
Every single day
As I stand in front of the mirror
And say that I'm okay;
Blood trickling down my spine
Reminding me that I'm lying.
We all know that it's fake
And what's at stake
(It's my life for goodness sake)
So I guess I'll give in and say,
Though the taste of it is strange...
What better day
Than today
To change
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I missed the scorching,
burning
screaming in my throat...

But it's like a big red button
an on switch
with no off.
I started something that I don't know how to stop

And now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor typing this up
silently crying
waiting for the next time this volcano will erupt.


I've missed the cold of the porcelain
the whispers of mia:
my fakest friends
reminding me of the stretch marks
forming on my skin
the disgusting nagging coming from within

I'm supposed to be getting better...
I don't want to lie to you...
But I don't want to.
I'm a fetching hypocrite but I've relapsed and honestly my anxiety is gone for the moment. I know it's only going to get worse from here on out but at least I have a release for a few minutes.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
"Tame your dragon"
My teacher says...
Can I refuse this assignment?
Make a plan
she instructs...
My plan is to slowly self destruct.
But I don't think that's what you want.
Can I be honest
and say
that today
is not the day,
nor was yesterday,
that I honestly want to change?
I know I should
but I don't really know what to say...
tomorrow, maybe
I'll consider starting.
But it might just be
a distant tomorrow
cuz today my plan is relapsing.
Feb 2015 · 752
Goodbye.. Sometime.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I'm grateful today
to be able to say
that I know I have a future,
begging me to stay.
Because otherwise
I would having nothing preventing me
from acting on my desire
to die...
Today I want to live
because in the morning the sun will rise
in the eastern sky,
and rise high
lighting up the darkness in life
or something.
I want to live to watch it set
one more time
to watch the night
come alive
as my monsters become less silent...
and only then, do I want to die.
But I don't jump
trying to fly
Because I know that I can't,
because I know that the sun will rise.
at least one more time.
And I know
that some day
It's going to rise
so high
that it consumes everything in sight.
I know
that some day
it won't set again.
Some day, I can say goodbye
to the night sky
and my monsterous mind.
So I'll just hold on tight.
Feb 2015 · 404
Be careful.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I feel protected
from any harm;
But I know better
I'm not safe in these arms.
Feb 2015 · 450
Sweet Addiction
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
My mind has been warped
twisted and turned
like taffy in a candymaker's careful claws.
but this candy that I tried
isn't as sweet in my mind.
sugary sweet poison;
That's all it is.
Delicious and dreadful and deadly.
But oh how it tastes...
It's bittersweet some days.
I can't explain.
And it's an addiction
a love hate relationship
(a contradiction)
and I think I'm fighting it
but truthfully
I don't want to be.
I want to give in
and binge
on the sweet delicious taste
of my awful bitter disgrace.
addiction dragon lion fight ED eatingdisorder selfharm disgrace shame idk
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I'm trying to be that fighter
that you all expect out of me
I'm trying to smile brighter
So you don't see
that this life
kind of feels like
it's burning a hole inside of me.
That I can't see
one step ahead for anything.
I'm hoping you don't actually see
the scars that are so obviously
A work of my own artisrty.
I'm hoping that you don't see
that I'm falling apart at the seams...
But I cant decide
if I want to fight...
I know I want to win the war
but I don't know much if I want to actually fight it anymore.
Daily
things are thrown at me
and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with these things.
And sometimes it's not even my own battle that I'm fighting.
But either way
It's all the same.
Every day.
A war that I'm waging.
Feb 2015 · 768
fill-in-the-blank
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I wouldn't be surprised
if they all got some sick gain
from the pain
they cause those left unnamed.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he gets a kick
out of kicking her around
and out of holding her down.
If she gets a high
from pushing her to the ground.
If they get a lift
out of treating them like they're worthless.
You're causing pain
to those who's names
fit in to the fill-in-the-blanks.
please just stop.
Feb 2015 · 489
Meaningless Action
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I swear
all I ever am
to any man
or rather boy
I've ever known
is a distraction.
some action.
An attractive thing
with which they can bide their time
(What about mine?)
until something else comes along.
and trust me, that doesn't take very long.
And sometimes it makes me feel okay
sometimes it makes me feel worthwhile
until I realize
That it doesn't matter what I say
or do
it's always going to be a game
to them.
Those men
who look to me for a distraction.
a meaningless piece of action.
And then there's me
poor and weak and hopeless
(as if I didn't already know this)
expecting it to make me feel
anything more than worthless.
And sometmes I pretend that I can play,
that I, too, love this game.
but the truth is I hate it.
I hate the way it makes me feel
and I hate the person inside this shell
created by this personal hell
In which disreguard is all I get
and all Im left with is feeling like this.
Because I'm only ever looked to as a distraction
and a worthless piece of action.


So come one
come all
and push down the girl
who will so easily fall
for the boy with a good charade
that's all they ever are these days.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
I'm curious
if there will be an us.
If I'll have a plus
one
to all these weddings coming up.
I wonder
what you're thinking...
If you'll ever know that I've been dreaming
of you
of all the things we used to do
And all that I hope to do.
I wonder what you think of me,
how you view what we used to be
If you hope to find a different side of me
Because I want you to see
all of me.
I'd open up to you
If I knew for sure that we'd make it through.
And I don't doubt that I will anyway
Because I have some things I want to say
to you.
Some things I want to finish, too.
I want to pick up on that last conversation
that we had
where I ended up so dang sad
Because I never considered the idea
But I think I knew somewhere inside
And still, all I wanted to do was hide.
But I've conquered the fear, I think,
of knowing what's inside of me.
And you know my demons
and you were there through the fight
You're the only one who held me while I cried.
Thank you for always being there by my side.
I just cant help but wonder
after all this rain and thunder
(as if it will ever end)
You'll ever be more than my friend.
But you know what they say about curiosity.
It kills.
So does that apply to dreams?
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
And most days now
I can hardly breathe.
Because of the excitement
inside of me.
The eager buzz
bubbling over
hopelessly
and hopefully...
The thrilling nerves
That I can't contain.
The butterflies I can't explain.
And I am counting down the days
(28)
Until I'll see you again.
And I hope that you
are looking forward to it too.
I hope that you're a fraction as excited as I
and I can't wait to see the look in your eyes...
I can't seem to explain
the state
that I'm in...
But basically, I can hardly wait.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
And just when I think I'm okay...
"What are those scars on your leg?"
"just don't worry about it" I say
it's all going to hell
I don't know what else
there is
to say about it.
Feb 2015 · 677
Untitled
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
My heart beats fast
At the thought of it all.
The simple image
that I just might have a chance
to fall
(for you...).
That I might have the option
to tak the plunge
Into the deep..
But I can't sleep
There's too much tension
so much
I do not know...
Will my plunge end
with a painful blow
when I land
Or with some beautiful
and invigorating grace?
Will I have to save face
for everyone's sake?
Or will I ever land at all?
Will I be forever suspended in freefall?

If I let go
And fall
I pray that you
willl calm
my rushing heart
With your warm arms.
After all this time apart
Is there enough still to plunge into?
Feb 2015 · 359
You are amazing
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
Hey, you
are stronger than you know
And I promise that it shows
Even if you don't see
You're more powerful than you think
You can acomplish anything
even when it feels like you're sinking.
you've got it in you
to prove
everyone wrong.

you. are. strong.
Please believe it.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
"Just Don't worry"
They say.
They tell me it's okay.

But tell me,
Is anxiety
something I can wish away?
Is depression simply a nightmare
A dream that Im drowning
From which I can suddenly wake up happy?
Is my anorexic mentality,
My bulimic brain
Nothing but a bad dream?
Is it even possible for me
To just not worry?
Because if there is a way
To escape my brain
To run away from my pain,
I haven't found it.

But you're right,
**It's "okay"
Jan 2015 · 651
Three Strikes
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
Thre strikes
down the middle of my thigh
running red as I wonder why
and how this has happened to me
Why the skies
mirror my eyes:
dark, and clouded,
playing shy.
Three strikes
I'm out
(that's the rule of the game)
But I no longer really want to play,
anyway.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
I picked up a blade again today
Needless to say I am not okay.
I'll be better "some day"

But I guess
I can decide to say
I will be better today.

Just because I ***** up
doesn't make me a ***** up.
You are defined by your actions.
But I can decide:
to be defined
by what's left in my stride
before I trip and stumble and fall,
or by what's ahead,
despite it all.

I'll choose the latter
and I'll move on...
I will be strong.

Because I am not as weak
as I seem to think
I am strong
and my God
will hold me in his mighty arm.

I picked up a blade again today.
But I can honestly say
**I am going to be okay.
Jan 2015 · 2.2k
PSA
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
PSA
I said no.
I know I said stop.
But I haven’t met a guy yet who understood that.

Yes
and No
are not interchangeable
And stop
never means go.

And it’s not her fault
for looking like that
And it’s not her fault
that all he wants is some ***.

But he won’t stop,
and his weight is crushing her
He won’t stop
and he’s forcing her.

The feeling of a man pulling at the back of your hair
isn't a great feeling ever
after you've been there
in her position
unable to control any of it
Unable to push him off
or away
because he’s holding your hands with a wild grip
and with a force that overpowers every ounce of your strength.
After that, the touch of a man will rarely make you swoon or sway.

And you won’t understand
the feeling of guilt that never quite goes away
That feeling that you are weak
and worthless
because all you could do was pray and take it.

Because society has taught her she did something wrong:
That she asked for it
that she invited it.
And maybe she was asking for something,
but that sure as hell wasn't it.
She didn't ask to be treated like she was worthless.

And PSA:
no woman is.
PSA: no woman or girl deserves to be taught by an experience that she is worth nothing. No woman or girl deserves to be taught that she never will be worth anything than what you did to her. No person deserves to be ignored. No person deserves blame for situations out of their control. No human being deserves to be treated or handled like dirt.
We are all human together, so for the love of God can we please stop pushing each other to the ground
Jan 2015 · 874
Listen.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
So I watch
And I listen
and I laugh
at the joke the fates have whispered to me.
No one else seems to hear it...
It’s not quite so funny, you see
The pitter patter of the pity...
You can hear it, you see,
you can see it, actually.
“It’s a small thing amongst friends”
a small thing to see in a stranger’s face:
the twinge of sadness,
confusion,
relief for themselves.
They look at me, seeing what they will never be.
They see, though, what could happen, terribly,
1 in 100,
in 1,000,
10,000, maybe.
And so I watch.
And I listen.
As they whisper,
and they wonder,
and they worry.
And I laugh
at the joke that life telling me, mocking at me.
But it’s not quite so funny, you see,
that whispering of the Wonderers
Asking over politely
But never listening intently
I’ll tell them all about it.
it seems such a small thing.
Listen.
It may be bigger than you see.
They say
“you look so healthy…”
Or
“You don’t look sick to me.”
But I’ll smile.
And I’ll laugh
at the joke that life is telling me.
You can’t hear it, darling.
And you don’t want to.
That’s okay.
It must be a joke anyway...
Nope. This is my life.
But what’s the difference either way?
I’ll smile.
I’ll laugh.
And they’ll hear one day.
“one day” will be today.
They will see.
Not just maybe.
I’ll tell them all about it.
And I’ll watch,
and I’ll listen.
The pitter patter will turn to applause.
pity will somehow be praise
and understanding.
such a thing to see in a stranger’s face;
so curious to me.
It’s not so funny you see,
it’s quite serious, actually.
this is the life that has been given to me.
I’ll joke about it, maybe.
but listen,
possibly you’ll see,
**What someone’s living
isn’t always what it appears to be.
Jan 2015 · 693
I believe in being happy.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
I believe in the future,
and in looking toward it.
I believe in moving on.
I believe in change,
and that it is possible.
I believe in potential,
and in recognizing potential.
I believe that there is good in the world,
and I believe that something good
is always coming.
I believe in positivity.
I believe in God.
I believe in Christ.
I believe in love.
And I believe that I am worthy of love.
I believe in smiles.
and hugs.
I believe in dancing in the rain
and running through the flowers
and lounging in the sun.
I believe in celebrating life
always.
I believe in smelling the flowers
and in taking it all in.
I believe that happiness is a choice.
And I believe in hard work,
and persistance.
I believe in faith,
and in leaping for it.
I believe in taking risks.
I believe in life.
And I believe in living it.
I believe that you can be broken,
But I believe that you can put yourself back together.
I believe in hope
and in hoping.
I believe in personal strength.
I believe in joy
And I believe in friendship
I belive in service-
in willingly giving and in receiving it.
I believe in recognizing the beauty of the world,
I believe in creating good in the world,
And I believe that **I can change the world.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
My body betrays me
Every day
But can I complain?
What can I say?
If I'm honest,
I've betrayed it myself.
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