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forty, for three kinds of pain
swell into sixty, they suggested;
the idea of dependency and
docile, smiley dazes
too much, like a bruised sprain
tiptoeing on the edge
of a complete break

i don’t need to be happy all the time
i just need to be happy more
chloe Jan 25
I am tired of all the meds
The meds make me blurry
They are evil
They look for your weak spots and attack
Just got back from the doctors and they prescribed me a NEW medication to add on the 5 I already take.
kk Jan 21
My relationship with mirrors is strained.
When I look I usually see what's probably
myself. I look better, probably, than before
when I slept no more than
3 hours every night
and spluttered through life
choking on words and stumbling over
misconceptions.
Now all of that is merely a buzz
trampled by a maximum dosage of meds
that let me function in life
but make everything a bit numb.
I much prefer numbness to personal nihilism.
Other times when I look in the mirror I
don't see much of anything.
When I'm in public and
the innocent looming presence of others
threatens my mind's fragile ego,
I see them abstracted in my periphery,
their glinting knives of eyes
sparing me a passing glance
(She's just smiling politely,
but my skewed eyes glimpse
faux teeth and behind them gargled, ****** judgements. I don't judge the digust.)
and I skim over a transparency
of myself in the mirror.
Too bad I can't actually disappear.
(Or maybe I can.
But I try to stray a little farther from those thoughts.)
Sometimes I feel heartbreakingly
**** in that mirror. Lonely. Unwanted.
Even with all those doting eyes on me.
I feel relied upon for something. To be
the one who makes them laugh. The one
who fills the silence. The one
who works hard even with setbacks.
(Do they even expect that of me? Or do I?)
When
in reality
I'm none of those things.
Not truly. Not really.
Theres always that tug of opposition in me,
that feeling of ingenuity, a touch of facade.
But I don't want them to see an **** side.
The side that mistrusts violently,
that lies stagnant with thoughts screaming.
Clamming up in the face of oppressing quiet.
The side
that rears its head when
they look a little too close.
Maybe it's my truest self, that broken side.
I wouldn't know. There
are too many walls. I can't even break them
myself.
Or maybe I've broken them all,
but I'm blindfolded,
feeling around an abyss with my eyes
wide open,
vision obscured by skin-tight fabric.
I could just,
untie that knot behind my head,
spiral further and further down--
just to feel something else--
But it's safer in this uneasy emotion.
I dont know if I'll ever find myself in
the mirror again.
Lost Jan 9
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
Deadwood Jawn Dec 2018
Somehow..
Being away from you
Feels like
                     An elastic band force.
                     The more I distance
                     The harder it is.

Maybe tomorrow I'll
      
                    Skip
                My
          Meds  
     To
  Feel
Again.
I feel flat. I need catharsis again. Need to cry I think.. this was written while i decided it was best to distance myself from one I love dearly, because I was causing myself ruin.
Deadwood Jawn Dec 2018
My eyes.
Why
Why do my eyes
Why do my eyes always
always look so
fatigued.
I'm tired and numbed out.
Lost Dec 2018
I want to die

Every day
The thought
Haunts my mind

I let it sit there
And mull about
In my dusty brains
Carving the number of days
Into the walls of my cranium

Rocking me gently
The idea of suicide
Swaddles me in fresh
Warm blankets
Lulling me
Soothing my cries

I’m under a spell
I’m hypnotized
By death
Swinging a pocket watch
Back and forth
Past my glazed eyes
I wrote this a couple weeks ago while I was in the middle of some medication changes that ended up making me really suicidal. I just needed time to adjust, and I’m feeling much better now.
Lost Dec 2018
Popping prescriptions
Every morning I open my eyes
And see that I’m still here
Hoping something will change
With each tablet and capsule
Swallowed down into my guts
Swimming around in stomach acid
Dissolving into my bloodstream
Trying to slap a bandaid
On my broken biology
Lost Dec 2018
This is a LIGHT ORANGE,
ROUND-shaped TABLET
Imprinted with U30 on the front

This is a HEADACHE
When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT
For your dilated PUPILS

This is an EMPTY STOMACH
Growling and ignored
Shrinking and shriveling
Under the pressure of a medicated FIST
Squeezing it TIGHT

This is a clenched JAW
Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS
TENSION worming its way
Through every FIBER and SINEW

This is a METICULOUS AGENDA
Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE
Waiting anxiously to fix
Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet
But possibly will
It is a RELENTLESS VIGIL
Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK
Counting down the seconds
Until it all comes crashing DOWN

This is AMPHETAMINE SALTS
Common brand(s): Adderall
Lost Dec 2018
This is a WHITE, GREEN
OBLONG-shaped CAPSULE
Imprinted with FL on one
Side and 3 on the other

This is a CHAIN LINK fence
Built around the BLACK HOLE
In the CENTER of my CHEST
topped with BARBED WIRE
Keeping it contained
In my CORE

This is an ORANGE jumpsuit
Dressing up my insides
Keeping everything in LINE
Holding back the VIOLENT ones
From acting out and making
Me bleed

This is a STRAIGHT JACKET
Wrapped snugly around
My DISOBEDIENT HEART
Hugging it tightly enough
To prevent it from lashing out
But still allowing it pump
My BLOOD on beat

This is VRAYLAR (cariprazine) CAPSULES
This is the first of a collection of poems I’m working on. I’m going to do one for each medication I take.
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