My relationship with mirrors is strained. When I look I usually see what's probably myself. I look better, probably, than before when I slept no more than 3 hours every night and spluttered through life choking on words and stumbling over misconceptions. Now all of that is merely a buzz trampled by a maximum dosage of meds that let me function in life but make everything a bit numb. I much prefer numbness to personal nihilism. Other times when I look in the mirror I don't see much of anything. When I'm in public and the innocent looming presence of others threatens my mind's fragile ego, I see them abstracted in my periphery, their glinting knives of eyes sparing me a passing glance (She's just smiling politely, but my skewed eyes glimpse faux teeth and behind them gargled, ****** judgements. I don't judge the digust.) and I skim over a transparency of myself in the mirror. Too bad I can't actually disappear. (Or maybe I can. But I try to stray a little farther from those thoughts.) Sometimes I feel heartbreakingly **** in that mirror. Lonely. Unwanted. Even with all those doting eyes on me. I feel relied upon for something. To be the one who makes them laugh. The one who fills the silence. The one who works hard even with setbacks. (Do they even expect that of me? Or do I?) When in reality I'm none of those things. Not truly. Not really. Theres always that tug of opposition in me, that feeling of ingenuity, a touch of facade. But I don't want them to see an **** side. The side that mistrusts violently, that lies stagnant with thoughts screaming. Clamming up in the face of oppressing quiet. The side that rears its head when they look a little too close. Maybe it's my truest self, that broken side. I wouldn't know. There are too many walls. I can't even break them myself. Or maybe I've broken them all, but I'm blindfolded, feeling around an abyss with my eyes wide open, vision obscured by skin-tight fabric. I could just, untie that knot behind my head, spiral further and further down-- just to feel something else-- But it's safer in this uneasy emotion. I dont know if I'll ever find myself in the mirror again.
Cigarette lungs And poisoned guts I have a rotten brain Riddled with curdled spots
I ****** down fistfuls Of pills from six separate bottles I can’t nurture any self love But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle
Scarred skin And rampant decay I am an animated corpse A macabre, dancing display
In the ICU for three days Tachycardia and shakes Jellied my legs into Disobedient writhing snakes
Cobweb chest And festering heart I pucker and ooze Sickly sour and ****
Hospital hallucinations On the sink sat a friendly bird It shifted from form to form Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
Popping prescriptions Every morning I open my eyes And see that I’m still here Hoping something will change With each tablet and capsule Swallowed down into my guts Swimming around in stomach acid Dissolving into my bloodstream Trying to slap a bandaid On my broken biology
This is a LIGHT ORANGE, ROUND-shaped TABLET Imprinted with U30 on the front
This is a HEADACHE When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT For your dilated PUPILS
This is an EMPTY STOMACH Growling and ignored Shrinking and shriveling Under the pressure of a medicated FIST Squeezing it TIGHT
This is a clenched JAW Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS TENSION worming its way Through every FIBER and SINEW
This is a METICULOUS AGENDA Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE Waiting anxiously to fix Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet But possibly will It is a RELENTLESS VIGIL Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK Counting down the seconds Until it all comes crashing DOWN
This is AMPHETAMINE SALTS Common brand(s): Adderall