I am pregnant with a love
That will never see the day.


-- Eleanor

The other night's break up
Pretty much opened my eyes.
Now I can see it all.
I can see how
You were reborn
And I can see how
I am dead.

The outside is blue
And shaped like a bowl
Perhaps a tank
Perhaps the air I am breathing
Is water
I float in space
No, I swim

I am not a human being
I am a fish in a tank.


--Eleanor Rigby

the lies that she fed him
that night
died in his adam's apple
like a sin
and together
they went to bed
and woke up
in heaven
again


-- Eleanor

I thought I forgot you
I thought I long had you buried
Deep in my memory.
I thought you could no longer haunt me
Like you used to do so often.
I thought I got over you
Until your eyes met mine today,
Once or twice at most and that was about it.

I couldn't look at you,
I couldn't look at you without bursting into tears,
So I burst into laughter instead.
And I suppose that you saw through my fake act.
Anyway...

You were there in your corner,
There in your pedestal,
There in your elegance
Drawing something dangerously beautiful
And you were beautifully dangerous.
And I,
I could only watch you from a distance
And learn to admire you
Without touching you,
Without kissing you,
Or ******* you.

We exchanged a conversation
About random things
You know, like
How it took me about an hour
To take a proper picture of the cat you gave me,
How it tragically died,
How I didn't cry when it died...
But I actually did cry when it died...

You looked all right, seriously.
There in your peaceful world
That I no longer was part of.
There in your artistic mind,
There in your capacity to forget,
There in your tendency to break promises,
There in the awful effect you always have on me.

So you said goodbye
Because you had something to go back to.
I said goodbye
Even though I had nothing to go back to.

We parted ways once again,
Me with your drawing pencil in my bag
And you, you my dear, with a piece of me
Inside your pocket.

I remember you once said forever, but you only lied.
I went home,
I went home and cried.


-- Eleanor

Once upon a dream,
You loved me.


-- Eleanor

There once was a fish in the sea
That promised itself eternity.

That fish is you and me
And everything we'll never be.


F.Z.N

I tried to write you
A letter of love
But I could see only him
In the stars above.


-- Eleanor

If I made a list of things
I would like to own
It would have
A garden on the roof,
Maybe a pipe that I wouldn't even use,
A collection of every Smiths' record,
A yellow bird that I would call Jules,
I'm not sure,
I could do with a bottle of Perrier right now,
Oh and my own house
Right by the sea.
I don't care about the order
I just know
That right on the top
It would have
you.


F.Z.N

You are still alive for a reason.
Make sure you find it.


F.Z.N

In a room
The colour of the dawn
I turn the lights off
And you turn them back on.

I keep your shirt on
And you lift mine.

I kiss your lips
And you pull away
Quickly reaching down
Between my legs.

I open my eyes
To find yours wide awake
Exploring every inch of me
As if that's all there is.

And maybe that's all you see.
But I just want you to love me.
Rather than simply **** me.


F.Z.N

You looked me in the eye
With the same smile you gave me
A long time ago.
You let me order your coffee for you
I knew which one
It's still the same
From a long time ago.

I laughed about the jokes you told me
You laughed at how unfunny
Mine were
And you playfully hit me
I frowned, you laughed,
I laughed, you laughed again
And said sorry
Just like you did
A long time ago.

The worst of it all
Was that when your hand
Accidentally brushed mine
I shivered
Just like I did
A long long time ago.


-- Eleanor

It took me three-hundred-twenty-six letters
And more, even more tears,
Endless nights
With your face
Smiling behind the window
Snatching sleep away from me,
Endless exhausting days
With no capacity to notice the sun
No capacity to notice the time,
And a lot of pain
A hell lot of pain
To forget you

But I don't think I do.


F.Z.**N

I can't sleep tonight;
I am longing for a message.


--Eleanor

Your smile is a million suns
The galaxy never knows night
When you're happy.


-- Eleanor

The first time I loved you was
because you were caring and kind.
The second time
was for the exact opposite.

And the last was
for a mixture of both.


F.Z.N

I come from darkness
And such as a moth
Beating itself
To death
Against a flame,
In your arms, I burn
Just the same.


F.Z.N

He stabbed me in the back
And **** ***** me.

A lover?
No. Love itself.


-- Eleanor

I wrote him a note
That said,
I am leaving.
And he tossed it
To the bin
And said,
I must be dreaming.


F.Z.**N

Perhaps that we will meet in another life;
In the birds, the trees or the air.


F.Z.N

Here's a rope, baby.
I know that you're smart enough
To know what to do with it.


F.Z.N

His thoughts are colours,
His hands are brushes,
And he touches me
Quite artistically.


-- Eleanor

My absence is forgotten
And so is my presence.
The sound I make is unheard,
The words I speak are noise
To your ears.
My love is unwanted
But so is my hate
And so is my indifference.
I am flesh and bones
In the shape of a ghost,
A shadow of a shadow,
The echo of an echo of an echo...


F.Z.N

twenty-fifth floor
double room with a view
on how far you're gone
silly birds
crashing into the window.

they can't get in
i can't get out.


--Watercolour

German chocolate
And Belgian Waffles.

Maybe French crepes, too.
They all smell like you.


-- Eleanor

I am better off without you,
I lie to myself.


F.Z.*N

Between the stars
And the million years
Your face appears.


-- Eleanor

I wanted to fly
Beyond imagination
So I slept
And never woke up again.


F.Z.N

She tries
With her wing in a cast
To flutter and take off
But gravity
Pulls her from the core
And smashes
her wing
Against the ground
Her cast shuttered
And her wing free.


- Eleanor

like two birds
on a wire
if one flies away
the other is required

to fly away too...
to fly away too...


--Watercolour

and then the fleeting hours
go through the pains
and the tiny bits of happiness
on repeat

i'm glad they don't just leave


--Watercolour

Blank are your eyes
when you look in the sun
and pretend you're alive.


F.Z.**N

It is only at the mercy of God
That I still live rightly
That very same God
To whom I did wrongly.
Should I have died
Before the sun rose
That evening in the war
Where widowed in blood shed pose.

For whom must I live justly
If for those I killed rather softly
At the expense of the fair
I live poor, pale and frail.


-- Eleanor

Bones under my house
Bones, many of them
Buried by dogs
Brothers and sisters
Proud of their shame
Ashamed of their pride.


F.Z.**N

If he can break me,
He can break you.


F.Z.**N

my heartbeat dances
to the sound of his breathing;
short, fast, deep
soft, slow, heavy.

If you want to **** me,
just hold your breath.


-- Eleanor

Broken
Easily fixed
Broken
Fixed
Broken
Hardly fixed
Broken
Thrown away

Lost


F.Z.N

I can't see you today
I'm busy burning.


F.Z.N

Love is a burning cigarette
That makes ashes
Out of the pieces
Of me and
The pieces of you.


--Eleanor Rigby

I am dead
For you killed me.

Now please bury me.


F.Z.**N

You say you're ugly
But darling
You are a butterfly
That has seen the day
To be pretty.


-- Eleanor

Cheers to silence
When she calls
And you leave.
Cheers to how fast
She makes
Your heart beat.
Cheers to your new love.
Cheers to what I don't have
Any more...


F.Z.**N

candy floss pillow
oh good old days


-- Watercolour

I always liked chocolate
And perhaps that's why
I fell in love with your eyes.


F.Z.N

Spilling your coal black insides
In coal black ink,
Into a snow white sheet.

Your twisted coal black
Little cunning friends
All have the same breath.

Some are demons,
Some are whispers,
And one of them is death.


-- Eleanor

I put my arms around you
to keep you warm
and you make sure
you remain cold.


F.Z.N

People ask me where I've been
I say, in a dream, a remote reality
Perhaps a part in this world
And a part in the other.


F.Z.N

You were a boy
Whose heart didn't beat,
Yet you made me feel
Complete.


F.Z.N

When he left
Like a taxi
I just paid

He left, with my heart
Inside his reservoir

The mirrors were clouded
With nicotine and gas

Waiting to rain

I waited for the condensation
So I could cry

But I waved
My goodbye.


-- Eleanor

Most people were conditioned
To think in a certain way.
Some cope with it with submission
Others with rebellion.

All the same
In the end.


-- Eleanor