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May 12 · 140
lost years
Saudia R May 12
I don't know when I started to realize the hurt

The real reason why this feels like fingers pressed against glass

pushing

So fragile this barrier dividing us
with the answers so clear

And still

as if connection never existed
we live as strangers within ourselves

and with each other

Until there comes a day

where you finally realize
the glass is a mirror

And that
the anger
the resentment
the hurt

you thought you were seeing through


you were actually seeing reflected back













That's the day you wake up
May 6 · 211
decision
Saudia R May 6
see what you must





then take the steps to go where you should
May 6 · 133
Unseen
Saudia R May 6
I hate who I am

And I never want to get to the point
where I leave you


because I leave me.
May 5 · 363
reflection.
Saudia R May 5
I've only lived so many years

Only lived in so many places

Have only met so many people
And have only experienced so many things

But I've lived more than one life through every connection


Lived in all of the places they have been

Felt every feeling one feels with their loved ones








And have seen time as they have seen
it

unwind

And though it may seem impossible



through their eyes I see me

the world



in their reflection
see yourself in this as you see it. and then ask why.
Apr 29 · 107
Identity
Saudia R Apr 29
Some days






I feel the wind

a little too well
The saying, you can feel it on the wind, takes on a deeper meaning when you know.
Apr 28 · 1.2k
Peace
Saudia R Apr 28
And so I rest

as if every dream that has been




never was to begin with
Dec 2019 · 186
silence
Saudia R Dec 2019
sometimes silence is that friend you haven't seen in a long time, who you need to work past that awkward, "who are we together," stage again.
there is a comfort in silence that one must be willing to settle into. but first one must be comfortable with the fact that silence is not always silent.
Dec 2019 · 295
headache
Saudia R Dec 2019
there are some days when it's the headache and you, not you and the headache.

just pound after pound, the core of your brain. the beat you never intended to dance to. and look at us, puppets.

like a ball on a string, our heads rattling around, unaware that heads don't rattle.

trying to push away the push of pain through pills that we pop to pop this pressure point.

but figuring out where to place the pin is the pause.

you don't want to make it worse, but if you can't make it better, best to just...not.

how do normal people function? what is this magical nirvana of blissful calm state? how does one close their eyes and sleep?

when headache likes to play, you can only hope they don't pull the string too hard.
sometime you want to drink the coffee and say **** it.
Nov 2019 · 283
Distance
Oct 2019 · 342
Boundaries
Saudia R Oct 2019
Discipline is not taught in a day
I've been on a vibe. Happiness is everything.
Oct 2019 · 191
11am
Saudia R Oct 2019
Will the fog clear today

Like clockwork
11am
and my eyes open

the same blurry thought makes its way to the surface

will it be today

will the dull dissipate
the confusion clear

this edge of uncertainty
uncertain about possibilities
that might not be possible

this worry

I cannot explain it but my father says I
worry too much

Too much or too little

Too much
too much
too much

dense whispers
in the light of the shadow

but what exactly to see

11am
Will the fog clear today
Oct 2019 · 262
Mail
Saudia R Oct 2019
You've got mail

Is it weird that I want to hear that again

Not
you have a notification

but mail

Waking up and running to the mailbox
heart pounding with excitement and fear

is your letter here yet


That one thought
everyday
carrying my little legs
racing
in the hopes that I would see your handwriting

and when that letter finally came

like a squirrel with a prized nut
I race away to the safety of my bed with
a flashlight
some poptarts

and pages of your letter

So happy



that I have a friend like you.
Communication is so important in our lives, and I feel like because we have the wonders of tech (not bad) we have lost some of the magic of words. The anticipation of reading someones thoughts, hopes, dreams, failures etc, with flecks of their character peppered in their letter. From their style of writing, their favourite ink, paper that they love and stamps and seals that add that last piece of love. We should bring back the beauty of writing. We have so many alternatives to write on, hemp is on the up and up. We will be able to respect the environment and bring back the magic of written language.
Aug 2019 · 437
Beauty
Saudia R Aug 2019
Never again
will I define
beauty through your eyes

I've learned


mine are enough
Jun 2019 · 445
Meaning
Saudia R Jun 2019
And with Silence
we learn



the true meaning of Death
Jun 2019 · 242
you.
Saudia R Jun 2019
They always say home is where the heart is

but we always assume the heart is with someone else

Do you see
why that home will always be broken

home has always been with you
and will always be with you

Home is where the heart is

Home

...
is you
May 2019 · 1.2k
Photograph
Saudia R May 2019
You ever just look at an old photograph

One where you were bright eyed

Toothy grin from ear to ear

And you just stare at it

Really stare at it

and can't help but think

God




How the hell

Were you ever that young
Couldn't believe the way I used to think. The things I would say to myself. I really wish I could go back in time, not even to change anything, but to give younger me a glimpse of why she has to go through all her hardships and why it was the best thing to ever happen. #strongerforit #thankfulformysupport
Mar 2019 · 979
A Haunting
Saudia R Mar 2019
I hope my words haunt you

Because when they do

You'll know I'm right
Dec 2018 · 1.4k
2019
Saudia R Dec 2018
Let my silence teach you

what my words

did not
This year, do not explain yourself (especially repeatedly) to someone who does not listen. Let your silence be your response.
Dec 2018 · 291
Moment
Saudia R Dec 2018
A moment

That's all it takes

A single moment

The touch of a loved one
The laugh of a stranger
The shy smile from the little boy
hiding behind his mother's leg

There and then not

Did you savour it
Lean into it
Let it sink deep

Or did it pass you
Did you let it slip away
Unaware of its purpose

One moment



That's all it takes
For Paolo ❤. Missing you alot today. September 18th 1995 - March 18th 2018
Nov 2018 · 708
Wave
Saudia R Nov 2018
All waves

turn to smooth waters

eventually
Time can and will heal everything
Oct 2018 · 174
Heal
Saudia R Oct 2018
Its as they say

with time
even the deepest wound
will heal

For a moment
I let myself believe
your lies

that the wound you left on my heart
would never heal

but today
as I awoke
the sunlight filtering through
my window

my first thought
wasnt of you
Sep 2018 · 538
Option
Saudia R Sep 2018
Must be nice

to pick and choose
when Im worthy enough

to be a part of your life


Too bad
Im not an option
Sep 2018 · 623
Queen
Saudia R Sep 2018
I am a Queen

who looked to a Prince
for the respect of a King

Never again

shall I take this crown off
to appease a man

who wont stand beside me
while I wear it
September has been a rough month. I fell for someone and had my heart broken. And for a while there I placed the blame solely on my shoulders, which I`m still struggling with, but it`s getting easier and easier to remember my value. This one is for those who have experienced the same. Queens and Kings alike. We can get through this, it gets better!
Sep 2018 · 406
Soul
Saudia R Sep 2018
You were right for my soul

But not for my head
Or my heart

That's what makes this so hard
Sep 2018 · 207
Fool
Saudia R Sep 2018
You fed my mind
and I was hoping that
you would feed my heart too

I felt like a fool when I said that to you

All you could do was stare
but in the end
now my mind is clear

No more doubts
or second guesses

No more worries
or jealousy over someone I never had

I can move on from this idea of we
to the idea of me

to cherish myself
nurture my mind
soothe my soul

and when I no longer think of you
when the right one comes along

I wont have to ask
Aug 2018 · 296
Pillar
Saudia R Aug 2018
Do you sometimes feel like a pillar

Like you are the last thing holding everything and everyone up

Like you are the last thread preventing everything from unraveling

So much so that you are not allowed to rest

That if you do
The hairline fractures in your foundation might widen

Might become cracks that are no longer safe

That anymore pressure will cause it all to collapse

And that at the end of the day
You are the only one eroding

The only one who no longer can stand tall and true

Can no longer be a pillar for you

To slowly become dust

Picked up by the wind
Swept away and forgotten
You can only support those around you for so long. Be selfish; care for yourself as well.
Aug 2018 · 160
Who
Saudia R Aug 2018
Who
Who do you cry too

When everyone cries to you
As always, writing has been the strongest way I'm able to express myself and work out emotions I  sometimes can't talk about.
Aug 2018 · 1.1k
Says, Love
Saudia R Aug 2018
Have you eaten yet?
When are you getting home?
Where are you going?
I thought that we...
How long will it take?
Whose with you?
Can I come?
I'm worried.

Says, Love
How so many of the, "annoying" questions we get, are how someone in our life says love.
Aug 2018 · 12.6k
Ignite
Saudia R Aug 2018
We sit in this room
across from one another
in silence

I try to look at everything
but you

I feel your eyes on me

I feel them roaming
as if your hands are on my body

how is that even possible

it's as if you're right beside me
grazing your fingers where they please

Your lips following their trail

lingering here and there
exploring every dip and hollow

The room feels so tight
this tension is something I can't explain
this silence so deep

I feel so restless
I want to burn something
break something
move

I chance a glance
and our eyes collide

****

what is this feeling
how can something feel so hot

I try to look away
but I'm frozen

I wait
But your eyes are still on mine

A silent challenge

You get up and leave the room

...

And I follow
Jul 2018 · 7.8k
Diamonds
Saudia R Jul 2018
You said to me

Your tears are like diamonds

I want to catch them all
And cherish them away

So that one day
When I have enough

I can give you back a crown
Befitting a Queen.
May 2018 · 210
Hope
Saudia R May 2018
One day

I hope you'll be as free as your laughter
Apr 2018 · 242
Wish
Saudia R Apr 2018
Our Hearts
stare
at one another

With wishes
So easily granted
Apr 2018 · 453
Sun
Saudia R Apr 2018
Sun
You lied
and said
you were the Sun

How foolish I was
to keep you
in my Sky
Apr 2018 · 489
Years
Saudia R Apr 2018
Today was a bit easier
I realized that I didn't cry when I thought about you

Instead I was laughing at something stupid that I did
Remembering that moment I spilt my drink everywhere
and all you said was

Sauds

And even though I rushed to clean it up
you were right there beside me mopping up my mess

Laughing and commenting on my cleaning abilities

I felt bad that I made you wait
but you didn't care
cause that's just the type of guy you were

An easy smile and an open hand
ready at any moment to reach out
and help

I wish we could have helped you
I wish we saw something sooner
I wish I had the power to give you some of my years
cause Lord knows you would have used them wiser

But I know I shouldn't say that
think that
because it wont make the hurt go away

It wont bring you back
but that hope that you'll walk through the door is still there

I don't think it will ever go away
Today we did a tribute piece for Paolo, he was a dancer, and they redid some of the pieces he choreographed. It was...soothing, happy. The pain is still there, but it's not as sharp.
Mar 2018 · 356
Paolo
Saudia R Mar 2018
I lost a friend last week.

Jesus

I don't even know what to write
but I have to
If I don't, I will feel too much
and I wont know what to do with myself

I cry every night because of how much it hurts
If you ask me though, I can't even tell you why

because that's what I cry
why.

22

he was only 22.

so much life! so much everything
and like that
gone

The only peace I have
is that I was lucky enough to say goodbye

but even that
is no peace

I cried to his mom
God
his mom

and with a huge smile she tells me to stop crying
a smile just like his and she says it's okay
this is only a see you again, not a goodbye

we wrote all over your coffin
with colorful markers
all the memories we shared

the hopes we have for you
the dreams we will live for you

I hope you read them
I hope you watch us

walk with us
while we walk for you

until that day
until we meet again

I love you

Paolo
September 18th 1995 - March 18th 2018
Feb 2018 · 282
Gaze
Saudia R Feb 2018
How sad it is
That you do not realize
The love that is here for you

If only you choose to
Turn your gaze toward me.
Feb 2018 · 569
Stupid
Saudia R Feb 2018
Today I told you how I felt
How stupid I was to show you my heart
How I wish I could turn back time
and the worst part
you didn't even know I was talking about you.
Feb 2018 · 245
Dreams
Saudia R Feb 2018
How easy it is
To say
Chase your dreams

Than to actually
Stop
And live them
Jan 2018 · 569
Home
Saudia R Jan 2018
Let me build you

Let me build you
brick by brick

Let me layer the concrete
and add the stone

Strong and sure and beautiful

Let me give you foundation

A place to stand

to hold your own against rain
and snow

wind and storms

To house your own and be a home

Let me give you fire
and warmth

power and purpose

Let me do this for you

and lets name it love.
Jan 2018 · 140
I
Saudia R Jan 2018
I
In time
I too
Shall be
The sun
Jan 2018 · 102
Mine
Saudia R Jan 2018
Maybe
One day
I'll tell you

But for now
My story

Is mine
Jan 2018 · 336
Over
Saudia R Jan 2018
I sit and watch
as the stain slowly seeps
into the fibers of our white carpet

You stand and watch
as the stain of red
deepens on the hand print on my cheek

The silence in the house
grows heavy
with the stillness
of the moment

Waiting on the edge of patience
to see
who will explode first

But the silence
will be disappointed
to know that this time
will be different

You stare in shock
at the outcome of your actions
but I wait no longer to reply

I slip off the shackle
of metal and rock
and place it carefully on the table

And leave my seat
unoccupied
for today
tomorrow
and the day after that

I head for the door
ignoring your please
and calls
that you'll change

It's over
I'm done
I'm never coming back
Jan 2018 · 144
Give
Saudia R Jan 2018
I've given too much
to care so little
Jan 2018 · 100
Fade
Saudia R Jan 2018
Sometimes
I wish you would
Fade away
And take these feelings
With you
Jan 2018 · 91
Friends
Saudia R Jan 2018
Why am I scared
To make us
More than friends?
Oct 2016 · 207
Tomorrow
Saudia R Oct 2016
I'm glad I stayed today,
because now,
I'll be here tomorrow.
Aug 2016 · 387
Knock-Knock
Saudia R Aug 2016
It is only until Death comes knocking at our door
that we realize we have never left the house.
Jun 2016 · 740
Hammock
Saudia R Jun 2016
I string up my hammock for two,
and lay in it alone,
listening to the trees whisper to one another.
How I long to hear their songs
and giggle to their stories
of centuries past and times forgotten.
The wind rocks me close to her *****
while the sun shines down on the children
hoping from flower to flower and between blades of grass.
But my eyes grow heavy, and I struggle to stay.
Then I hear them,
laughingly say,
rest now child;
all is well.
May 2016 · 349
Child of Loss
Saudia R May 2016
A road less traveled
is one I follow
as a child of loss
and sorrow.
I weave a path
of smoke and ash
to burn the memories
of days past.
Something I wrote about 6 years ago that I just found in one of my old journals.
May 2016 · 991
Until our Path
Saudia R May 2016
May we meet again.
Someday not too far.
To give us time to heal,
and feel once again.
On a sunny day with wet grass.
By lakes of crystal and trees of brass.
Through burrowed Mountains we shall run,
to reach peaks of power and fortitude.
Where we two will be one,
once again whole and full,
and no longer looking to the shadows
for food.
But until that time...
let us wander a bit more,
until we are ready to come home.
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