Depression is mine to control

Mine alone in me is mine
As another's in them is theirs

So no two depressions can ever be the same
And yet like gold melded jade, sisters they are

Why should sister and sister be forced apart?
What do they fear?

Is it them? Is it us?
To finally admit that sisters are twins?

Of the exact same blood < in essence, in pain

Noble to only whose vains they run
but deeper than a true Suns lineage

In knowing that what is reflected as a mirror is exactly what's seen

But the fear of being the same is what drives them to shame

So what of this power that let eyes be mirrors
waiting for hope to appear?

Depression is < mind =to= control

My soul is tired
It seeps into my bones

Not a numbness
Not a chill

A knowing

I feel like I have to steal myself from you

but it doesn't even matter
because you make me believe that
that's all I need

stolen pieces you've given 'permission' for me to steal

like I don't still have me






an impossibility
a dream


does it even matter
I will always have me
does it even matter

how can I hear the call
but ignore the cry?

I decided to give you back

I know now



I thrive with those who see
where I begin

I don't know when I started to realize the hurt

The real reason why this feels like fingers pressed against glass

pushing

So fragile this barrier dividing us
with the answers so clear

And still

as if connection never existed
we live as strangers within ourselves

and with each other

Until there comes a day

where you finally realize
the glass is a mirror

And that
the anger
the resentment
the hurt

you thought you were seeing through


you were actually seeing reflected back













That's the day you wake up

see what you must





then take the steps to go where you should

I hate who I am

And I never want to get to the point
where I leave you


because I leave me.

I've only lived so many years

Only lived in so many places

Have only met so many people
And have only experienced so many things

But I've lived more than one life through every connection


Lived in all of the places they have been

Felt every feeling one feels with their loved ones








And have seen time as they have seen
it

unwind

And though it may seem impossible



through their eyes I see me

the world



in their reflection

Some days






I feel the wind

a little too well

And so I rest

as if every dream that has been




never was to begin with

sometimes silence is that friend you haven't seen in a long time, who you need to work past that awkward, "who are we together," stage again.

there are some days when it's the headache and you, not you and the headache.

just pound after pound, the core of your brain. the beat you never intended to dance to. and look at us, puppets.

like a ball on a string, our heads rattling around, unaware that heads don't rattle.

trying to push away the push of pain through pills that we pop to pop this pressure point.

but figuring out where to place the pin is the pause.

you don't want to make it worse, but if you can't make it better, best to just...not.

how do normal people function? what is this magical nirvana of blissful calm state? how does one close their eyes and sleep?

when headache likes to play, you can only hope they don't pull the string too hard.

Far from home but never far

Discipline is not taught in a day

Will the fog clear today

Like clockwork
11am
and my eyes open

the same blurry thought makes its way to the surface

will it be today

will the dull dissipate
the confusion clear

this edge of uncertainty
uncertain about possibilities
that might not be possible

this worry

I cannot explain it but my father says I
worry too much

Too much or too little

Too much
too much
too much

dense whispers
in the light of the shadow

but what exactly to see

11am
Will the fog clear today

You've got mail

Is it weird that I want to hear that again

Not
you have a notification

but mail

Waking up and running to the mailbox
heart pounding with excitement and fear

is your letter here yet


That one thought
everyday
carrying my little legs
racing
in the hopes that I would see your handwriting

and when that letter finally came

like a squirrel with a prized nut
I race away to the safety of my bed with
a flashlight
some poptarts

and pages of your letter

So happy



that I have a friend like you.

Never again
will I define
beauty through your eyes

I've learned


mine are enough

And with Silence
we learn



the true meaning of Death

They always say home is where the heart is

but we always assume the heart is with someone else

Do you see
why that home will always be broken

home has always been with you
and will always be with you

Home is where the heart is

Home

...
is you

You ever just look at an old photograph

One where you were bright eyed

Toothy grin from ear to ear

And you just stare at it

Really stare at it

and can't help but think

God




How the hell

Were you ever that young

I hope my words haunt you

Because once they do

You'll know I was right

Let my silence teach you

what my words

did not

A moment

That's all it takes

A single moment

The touch of a loved one
The laugh of a stranger
The shy smile from the little boy
hiding behind his mother's leg

There and then not

Did you savour it
Lean into it
Let it sink deep

Or did it pass you
Did you let it slip away
Unaware of its purpose

One moment



That's all it takes

All waves

turn to smooth waters

eventually

Its as they say

with time
even the deepest wound
will heal

For a moment
I let myself believe
your lies

that the wound you left on my heart
would never heal

but today
as I awoke
the sunlight filtering through
my window

my first thought
wasnt of you

Must be nice

to pick and choose
when Im worthy enough

to be a part of your life


Too bad
Im not an option

I am a Queen

who looked to a Prince
for the respect of a King

Never again

shall I take this crown off
to appease a man

who wont stand beside me
while I wear it

You were right for my soul

But not for my head
Or my heart

That's what makes this so hard

You fed my mind
and I was hoping that
you would feed my heart too

I felt like a fool when I said that to you

All you could do was stare
but in the end
now my mind is clear

No more doubts
or second guesses

No more worries
or jealousy over someone I never had

I can move on from this idea of we
to the idea of me

to cherish myself
nurture my mind
soothe my soul

and when I no longer think of you
when the right one comes along

I wont have to ask

Do you sometimes feel like a pillar

Like you are the last thing holding everything and everyone up

Like you are the last thread preventing everything from unraveling

So much so that you are not allowed to rest

That if you do
The hairline fractures in your foundation might widen

Might become cracks that are no longer safe

That anymore pressure will cause it all to collapse

And that at the end of the day
You are the only one eroding

The only one who no longer can stand tall and true

Can no longer be a pillar for you

To slowly become dust

Picked up by the wind
Swept away and forgotten

Who do you cry too

When everyone cries to you

Have you eaten yet?
When are you getting home?
Where are you going?
I thought that we...
How long will it take?
Whose with you?
Can I come?
I'm worried.

Says, Love

We sit in this room
across from one another
in silence

I try to look at everything
but you

I feel your eyes on me

I feel them roaming
as if your hands are on my body

how is that even possible

it's as if you're right beside me
grazing your fingers where they please

Your lips following their trail

lingering here and there
exploring every dip and hollow

The room feels so tight
this tension is something I can't explain
this silence so deep

I feel so restless
I want to burn something
break something
move

I chance a glance
and our eyes collide

****

what is this feeling
how can something feel so hot

I try to look away
but I'm frozen

I wait
But your eyes are still on mine

A silent challenge

You get up and leave the room

...

And I follow

You said to me

Your tears are like diamonds

I want to catch them all
And cherish them away

So that one day
When I've caught enough

I can give you back a crown
Befitting a Queen.

One day

I hope you'll be as free as your laughter

Our Hearts
stare
at one another

With wishes
So easily granted

You lied
and said
you were the Sun

How foolish I was
to keep you
in my Sky

Today was a bit easier
I realized that I didn't cry when I thought about you

Instead I was laughing at something stupid that I did
Remembering that moment I spilt my drink everywhere
and all you said was

Sauds

And even though I rushed to clean it up
you were right there beside me mopping up my mess

Laughing and commenting on my cleaning abilities

I felt bad that I made you wait
but you didn't care
cause that's just the type of guy you were

An easy smile and an open hand
ready at any moment to reach out
and help

I wish we could have helped you
I wish we saw something sooner
I wish I had the power to give you some of my years
cause Lord knows you would have used them wiser

But I know I shouldn't say that
think that
because it wont make the hurt go away

It wont bring you back
but that hope that you'll walk through the door is still there

I don't think it will ever go away

I lost a friend last week.

Jesus

I don't even know what to write
but I have to
If I don't, I will feel too much
and I wont know what to do with myself

I cry every night because of how much it hurts
If you ask me though, I can't even tell you why

because that's what I cry
why.

22

he was only 22.

so much life! so much everything
and like that
gone

The only peace I have
is that I was lucky enough to say goodbye

but even that
is no peace

I cried to his mom
God
his mom

and with a huge smile she tells me to stop crying
a smile just like his and she says it's okay
this is only a see you again, not a goodbye

we wrote all over your coffin
with colorful markers
all the memories we shared

the hopes we have for you
the dreams we will live for you

I hope you read them
I hope you watch us

walk with us
while we walk for you

until that day
until we meet again

I love you

Paolo

How sad it is
That you do not realize
The love that is here for you

If only you choose to
Turn your gaze toward me.

Today I told you how I felt
How stupid I was to show you my heart
How I wish I could turn back time
and the worst part
you didn't even know I was talking about you.

How easy it is
To say
Chase your dreams

Than to actually
Stop
And live them

Let me build you

Let me build you
brick by brick

Let me layer the concrete
and add the stone

Strong and sure and beautiful

Let me give you foundation

A place to stand

to hold your own against rain
and snow

wind and storms

To house your own and be a home

Let me give you fire
and warmth

power and purpose

Let me do this for you

and lets name it love.

In time
I too
Shall be
The sun

Maybe
One day
I'll tell you

But for now
My story

Is mine

I sit and watch
as the stain slowly seeps
into the fibers of our white carpet

You stand and watch
as the stain of red
deepens on the hand print on my cheek

The silence in the house
grows heavy
with the stillness
of the moment

Waiting on the edge of patience
to see
who will explode first

But the silence
will be disappointed
to know that this time
will be different

You stare in shock
at the outcome of your actions
but I wait no longer to reply

I slip off the shackle
of metal and rock
and place it carefully on the table

And leave my seat
unoccupied
for today
tomorrow
and the day after that

I head for the door
ignoring your please
and calls
that you'll change

It's over
I'm done
I'm never coming back

I've given too much
to care so little