I worry that
I may be
An electron.

The negative charges
Are building beneath
The shield that I choose
To call my ribcage,
Painting my lungs blue
And weighing it
With my mistakes.

I cannot exist alone,
All too willing
To give myself away
To anything that somehow
Makes me feel whole.

I’m sorry
I couldn’t tell you sooner,
But these problems
Can’t be solved
With science.

It’s not that I’m sad, per se,
It’s that I’m not anything at all
I cannot feel happiness.
I can experience it but I know
That it will not last forever.
That is the case with all things.
Life is temporary and beautiful,
Life given and taken away
In the same breath.
In some strange way
I’ve known what happy feels like
I’ve just been wishing I knew
How to feel it now.

We aren’t an album
We’re the single
That played on the radio
Until everyone hated it
Including us.

Let me tell you about love
It’s not kissing and missing
No letters on parchment
And valentines gifts
It’s curled up beneath the stars
With your closest friends
Making wishes and resolutions
And telling secrets to carry always
You cannot break this love
It is a memory, a moment
Friendship
It is the greatest love of all

And I spun and I spun and I spun
So out of control
No rhythm
Short. Choppy.
It lasted so long, so quickly.
I don’t know what happened,
But I saw it.
Even though I didn’t.
My car did pirouettes
Down the embankment
Until it found a spot to rest
In between two hedgeposts
And barbed wire.
They say your life flashes before your eyes
In moments like this,
But for me,
It was moments I wouldn’t ever have.
The things I wanted to accomplish,
The people that I loved.
It was heartbreaking.
When I crawled out,
No different than when I got in,
I laughed with tears in my throat.
Today, the world is the same,
But I will never be.

I look in the mirror at a person I don’t recognize anymore. Prodding and pulling at my skin just to make sure this is who I am I only cake on so much makeup because this is the me I don’t want them to see.

So they don’t

They don’t see me and time is just running away and what if I can’t make them see me before time is up?

It’s not that I’m invisible, I know they can hear me and they tell me that really, I’m fine, and I’ve never been an issue but then why do I feel so out of place in my own day to day routines?

In fact nothing is routine anymore I have no constants. Eating, sleeping, it’s all ireggular and sometimes I can’t remember doing any of it at all.

I have pictures filling my camera roll of happiness in a moment that I can’t bring back, why do I keep them for happy if all they do is make me sad?

The clock is ticking and I can hear it but they can hear me so I can’t scream, they don’t see me but I’m tearing at my mouth trying to get out the words that I really want them to hear.

And they tell me, that it’s okay to be yourself.

But only around certain people. Because society wants you to have curves but never in the wrong places. They want you to feel free to speak your mind as long as it’s something that they want to hear. If you keep your secrets to yourself you’re hiding something and if you share them you’re being too open.

But time is passing.

I need time, I need routine, and I need to remember happy so that I don’t fall in love with sad because far too many do.
So I will scream into the wind where they cannot hear me.
And paste on my paper facade.
Someday, they will see me.
Now you don’t.

turn the phone on silent
get the angle right
send the message, take a breath
you'll lose yourself tonight

caught up in your nightmare
no dignity to find
so bite your tongue and move along
too late to hit rewind

i never meant to start this
the one thing i regret
but you text me and i don't leave
i wish i could forget

Mom says
I should call it what it is.
A scarf, cologne,
A movie ticket.
But instead
I boxed up our first date.
And burned it.

I'm treading on
shoe soles of glass
one wrong move
I bust my ***.
they say I'm pretty
but what's that mean?
when pain is beauty,
you **** the queen.

I’m watching
My happiness
c
   r
     u
       m
          b
             l
               e

and

F
A
L
L

a  p  a  r  t

In front of me.

I know you think I’m mad at you
Because I stayed silent when I dropped you off at your house
But if I’m honest
I knew I’d either cry or scream
If I opened up my mouth.

Mad? I wish I could be.

Silence
The anguished aching
deep
Inside my soul

Rest
The breaking blows
Hiding
Within my heart

Cease
The rolling thunder
Echoing
Throughout my brain

Leave
My heavy heart
And
Let me be.

Are you smiling?
Or bearing your teeth?

When you laugh
Sometimes I wonder
If it’s with me
Or at me

You say you
Are too busy
That we wouldn’t work
But I call *******

If you really loved me
I wouldn’t be left
Tugging
Your leash

Driving down Broadway
At one in the morning
Raindrops
Blurring the red lights
Into broken halos

I was pondering what-ifs
Putting could-have-beens
Into words


“It couldn’t have been”
My best friend assured

I wonder
How I manage
To mess love up
Anytime it comes near

“You fall in love so easily,”
She said
“You’re a poet at heart.”

“And that isn’t always a good thing.”

Did you melt for me?

Did you burn and break down every time I touched you?

Because I did.

When they say
We’re a perfect match

They don’t realize
Matches burn.

So don’t wax poetic for me
Because I fall
To inferno.

Does your kiss
Still taste
Like everything
I drank to forget?

I pick up
The broken pieces
And do my best to fit them back
Where they used to go.
They seem
So ready
To fall out again.
I glance at my reflection
Wondering why
I don’t recognize myself.
Maybe it’s not
The mirror
That’s broken.

Find your passion
hold it tight
and never stop to rest
until what you hold
inside your hands
is finally at its best