If I could tell you one thing I Would tell you to live young, wild and free.
You're going to make mistakes.
You're going to get in trouble and feel awful when you get caught.
You're probably going to lie even if you don't really want to.
There are days you're going to want to just give up on life and that's okay.

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to love the way the moon loves the sun.
Find someone who loves you unconditionally.
Someone who will never change you.
Learn to let things go.
Learn to be forgiving even when you want to punish someone so bad it's all you think about.
Because there are days you're going to want to fight just to feel alive!

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to always be yourself.
It's unique.
It's truthful.
Because there really is only one you & some days you might not like you anymore.
And someday you might love yourself more than anyone else!

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to be honest.
Be honest with people who care for you.
Be honest with yourself.
Be honest to the person who will break your heart.
Because honesty always win in the end.

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to dance.
Dance like you're floating along the Milky Way.
Dance like it's the last time you're going to be alive.
Dance to music no one but you can hear.
Because sometimes, making a fool of yourself is the only way to laugh the bad stuff away.

And if this is the last thing you ever hear from me... I would tell you that I love you.
I love who you are even if you don't.
I love the smile on your face and how you light up.
I love the look in your eyes when no ones looking.
And even though only you can make yourself happy, just know,
I love you.

With her three eyes and many arms Kali Ma leaned in to tell me the secret of this year.
She told me with regret and hate filling my life- I wouldn't be getting anywhere.
She said with trust and loyalty- one day I'll find my back again.
To a live that's full of love and hope instead of sadness and sin.

The Dark Mother- the Goddess of destruction and creation told me she, herself, was the bearer of contradictions.
She said we all fall apart and there are ways to get back up if we just open our eyes.
Instead of filling our self with doubt and questioning the truth instead of the lies.

So within the Ocean  of Blood I have been created by Kali Ma- and I will sooner than later be destroyed by her power.
But before the year is up she has given me the truth to rise up and fight her.
I will change for myself and I become one with the truth's that lie within me.
I will remember the good instead of the bad so it doesn't destroy all of me.

I will wear red as gypsies must do when their funeral is near.
I will let Kali Ma devour me and send me home without fear.
I will wear pride knowing I have found the truth and let the lies go.
I will be at peace when I have figured out everything I needed to know.

I will love you even when you're no longer young and beautiful as Lana del Rey once asked.

I will love you even when we are working our ***** off the pay bills we shouldn't have. I will love you when you can't wipe your own **** and when you're grumpy and old.

I will love you when you hate me and tell me I drive you crazy.

When the passing sun and moon go right on by... I will still smile and think how I've loved you all the while.

When the earth stops rotating and our world starts to end... I will remember the days we shared together.

But just remember I will love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

He was late to the war- the canons and guns have already started and the dust is settling in nice and cozy in his lungs.
He was falling apart- running across open fields with battle wounds surrounding every fallen solider he came across- there was so much blood.
He was crying on the inside but god forbid he showed those emotions on the open fields he and his brothers ran through.
He wasn't sure he would see his brothers and sisters all come out of this alive... he wasn't sure he would come out alive himself.

She was late to the war she was covered in dirt and oil from the ***** planes she helped gear up every long twelve plus hour shift.
She heard the engines start, she saw the wheels move and the ocean under the boat seemed more peaceful then the open space above.
She saw her wounded brothers and sisters being dragged out of whats left of the planes landing  feeling their pain as blood smeared across the top deck.
She smelled the gas as the planes started moving towards the edge of the boat and she knew there wasn't time to think- only time to move.

They fought and some survived and some didn't make it back home to their families.
They fought tooth and nail, blood and skin- heart and soul.
They were wives and husbands, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, lovers and fighters.
They were more than a flag.
They were more than a country with a big name.

Tell me about your lavender eyes and your vanilla hair.
Tell me about you sandalwood smile and coal black stare.
How does the rain wash away your hatred for other so easily?
But the soft breeze in the summer fuels your fire?

Tell me about your wandering mind and your benevolent heart.
Tell me about your gypsy spirit and harnessed passion.
How does the ocean calm sadness so easily?
But the autumn smell makes you cry in the night?

Can you tell me why it's so easy to fall for you but so hard to make you stay?

She danced through wildflowers and wove lilac in and out of her long hair. She smelled of lavender and pine and she never went anywhere without a smile.

Dancing alone to the harmony of the wind and the beat of the rain hitting the ground softly she began to remember a better time.

A time before the hassle of growing up and before the sun stopped shining just a little to bright.
A time before she was afraid of sitting at home and just relaxing.

Remembering the smell of coffee and peppermint throughout her grandmothers home.
The idea that one day she would grow into someone she could respect and love.


She was strong and fierce but also slightly soft and simple.
She was wild and free but contained by walls of society she hasn't quite broken through yet.

Yet she continues dancing through wildflowers and spinning daisies around her finger tips.
She continues humming to the sound of the ocean and  falling in love with natures secrets.

She continues to grow into someone she can respect and love- finding her own the only way she knows how.

There are always long nights when music doesn't help and alcohol doesn't help and crying just doesn't help.

There are always long days when my legs want to give out and my back is shaking and my heart breaks a little more each hour.

And there will be times in the middle of the night when I want nothing more than to call you and remind you I'm still alive.

To call and just hear your voice even through voicemail knowing you were real at one point in my life.

There are always going to be days when the sun shines a little less and the storms find their way into my heart.

There are always going to be days when I wake up happy and content and I can easily forget you were even a part of my life.

And there will be times in the middle of the afternoon when my mind wanders and I am not nearly as sad as I was a few days ago...

And knowing I am just a little less broken than l was yesterday brings me a little hope that I will move on.

It was cold in my room
And all I wanted was for your body
To replace my sheets-

I wanted fingers interlocked
And legs crossing one another and
Body's so entwined we became one-

I wanted laughter suppressed
By whispers of ecstasy as our breath
Was warm on the back of our neck-

I want shivers running down
My spine the minute your fingers touched my back-

It's been a long winter and spring
Seems so very far away
And I miss you-

So when I sleep tonight I'll dream of
Your body against mine and
I'll know you're thinking of me too-

The fire in my eyes has burnt to ashes and my skin is as pale as the moon above me.
You stole my shallow heart and filled it with hopeless dreams and gorgeous promises that will never come true.
You took my hands and held them to your heart telling me love was the only option.
There is smoke in my lungs and alcohol in my liver and I have no fear of dying any longer.
You were so blatantly rude whenever I asked you to explain why you were leaving.
And the worst is you never had a thing to say.
Or better yet the worst is probably that I believed you actually gave a ****.
Now the time has come for me to say farewell and good day.
Because I've lost my self respect trying to chase you begging you to stay.

To love me is to put up with a messiness I inherited from my mother.
The displays of self loathing and self sabotage i work on daily.
The clothes I leave on the floor.
The coffee cups in the sink.
The bed unmade and the too many shoes.

To love me is to deal with an annoying amount of independence I inherited from my father.
The acts of self serving that I work on daily.
The know it all moments when I’m working on something or fixing something.
The confidence in my work ethic, my persona & who I am.
The laughter I have over everything.

To love me is to know the loyalty and respect I’ve inherited from my stepmom.
The empathy I still long for and work to find daily.
The care over details.
The nurture I give when you’re sad or sick.
The standing up for you but also putting you in your place.

To love me is to cope with the stoic coldness and wandering spirit I’ve inherited from my grandma.
The parts of me you’ll never fully know that I work to show you daily.
The look of dismay I sometimes don’t know is on my face.
The inability to stay in one place for too long without going insane.
The moments I want to run away and never look back.

To love me is to cope.
Cope with knowing sometimes I’m mean.
Sometimes I’m sad.
And sometimes I love fiercely and passionately.
To love me is to love all of me.
Everything I’ve inherited and everything I’ve learned and unlearned over time.
To love me is to be loved in return.

They say that once you hit the lowest point in your life you can only go up from there. I swear I've hit so many low points I just keep going lower and lower.

Who decided that "they" knew what "they" were talking about ? Who decides we should just listen to them?

I keep sitting here on this lonely beach imaging a better place... A better time.... But all I hear is the waves crashing against the sand. All I hear is the ocean threatening me with something unknown.

My love for nature grows dim & my fears begin to take over my body. Panic attacks and sleeping so much and so long my body can't react to being awake properly.

I used to be confident and strong.
I used to be in love with love and life.
Now I fear the unknown.
I fear being alone with my thoughts ringing so loudly in my head.

The ocean... There is an ocean inside my head. Filling my ears with water and letting my thoughts and memories drown me alive.

So when do things start looking up? Is it after I've already drowned all my happiness under the sorrow and contempt?

It could have been a Sunday when the first glimpse of my unknown future would make itself known.

He was that mystery you never solve. The Nancy Drew case that kept you awake as a kid. The unknown if aliens are real or not. The uncertainty of who built the pyramids.

He was the first morning light and the darkest sunset you can imagine. His mind swayed from good to bad and bad to worse more often than not. He was the calm before the storm. The rain before the hurricane.

It could have been a Sunday when my life decided to take the turn down the wrong alley way on the middle of the night for him.

He was the softest linens on a freshly made bed. He was the rough hands of a man who worked hard. He was the dream I couldn't remember until you said the one word that brought it all crashing back. He was nostalgia and memories.

But he was different.
He let things change him and his past caught up with his future.
He let me change.
And my past caught up with him.

And maybe it was a Sunday... I can't be too sure when my future became uncertain.

I'm hoping one day we walk down the same street, maybe not at the same time but together nonetheless.
I hope you feel what I felt that day.
I hope you see what I saw that day.

Wind blowing in your hair, trees swaying so high above... Magic surrounding us.

One day, I'm hoping we meet again. I hope it's under new circumstances and new lives ahead of us; our past so far behind us.
I hope you know what i knew then.
I hope you remember what I said then.

Shy smiles, distant eyes... Beauty and serene wonder surrounding us.

I'm hoping for the one day the world lets us finally be together. If that day never comes, then I hope the world will only let me remember the good, and no longer the day you gave up.

It's gotta be hard loving the girl with make up smeared across her eyes from crying all night.

It's gotta be hard loving the girl who writes ****** poems about loving you.

It's gotta be hard loving the girl who hates herself more than she can describe.

It's gotta be hard loving the girl who stays up till 3 am trying to find some answer... Any answer that will make sense.

It's gotta be hard loving the girl who can't explain why she feels so empty.

It's gotta be hard to be you right?

My heart wanted you long before I really understood it. It knew the moment you asked me my name in yearbook class. It knew the moment you gave me your phone number.

My heart knew you would break it before I fully understood that. It knew the moment you called me a few months after not speaking to me. It knew the moment you kissed me goodbye as I flew back home.

My heart seems to know more than my head sometimes... And yet I seem to still follow my brain a but more. My brain told me you were just confused. My brain told me I was just being over dramatic.

But... My heart knew that the mountain I was about to climb was steep and unsteady. My brain told me it was just a hill and I could easily get over it with just a little more effort.

I should have followed my heart a little more...

Lately I’m obsessed with the black and white photos of the world. The way they bring out the details you didn’t think you’d see in your life.
Lately I’m obsessed with the hidden greyscale of my life. The little spots or blemishes I didn’t know I had in between the cracks of my mind.

Lately I’m obsessed with knowing all I can know about how to forget my past. How to find those ancient remedies or dark coffees and fruity teas that will stop the pain in my heart for a little while.

Even though these obsessions seem so tiny compared to my big thoughts and wild dreams.. I can’t stop thinking of what’s next. Mystery lies on the horizon of my new obsession & how I will handle it.

Now if you asked me about my version of heaven if say it smelled of vanilla and lavender. I would tell you the walls were made of teal and there would never be ceilings just clouds that hung above. There would be beautiful redwood trees surrounding the ocean so I could sleep.

Now if you asked my my version of heaven I would tell you about the daisies and the piles of autumn leaves. I would tell you there was a constant nostalgia feeling.

And if you asked me about my version of heaven I would tell you that for once it didn't involve you. I wouldn't remember the smell of your cologne or the natural wave in your hair. I would never remember the green hues in your eyes and that breathtaking smile.

Because to be constantly reminded of the passion and the person I can't have is not my version of heaven.
It's my hell.

I want to paint the skies with the fire in your eyes. I want to use your passion and your taste for the lasting things in life. I would use every color available to me.

I want to cause volcanoes to explode with the tension we know is already there. I want to taste your lips against mine. I want to show the world what the definition of lust is.

I want to make you smile and I want to make you laugh. I want to watch as you fall slowly and madly in love with me. I want to watch your mind sway like the wind.

I want to cause a hurricane in your head and fill your lungs with water making it impossible to breath when you're around me. I want your bones to shake like there's an earthquake when you watch me undress for you.

In a world of nature vs. nurture, I want to watch your nature come crashing into mine. I want to nurture the passion and fuel the fire above until we burn up and all that's left is that lasting memory.

BH 2015

Tell me how it feels when you slide into bed at night knowing you lied to everyone you've ever loved?
Tell me does it hurt when your mom is overly religious and you believe she is insane?
Tell me does it hurt when your dad is too zoned out in old war movies to even notice you're crying in the corner?

I've never dealt with your pain.
My family was open and honest and accepting of who I was and wanted too be.

I've never dealt with your pain of finding something, anything, to get you through the day without the inside of your head screaming at you.

But, I have dealt with the sadness.
I have dealt with the anxiety of not being good enough.
So I say to you, you are not alone.

And when the sun shines but all you see is grey and sadness; I will be there for you.

There were all these words scratched into a notebook hidden under your bed... it seemed like such a normal teenage thing to do.
But then you grew up and started scratching them into your skin word for word I ignored them on your arms and under your clothes.

There was that brief moment you started laughing at really morbid things and everyone became really uncomfortable... but I chalked it up to your sick sense of humor and moved on.
But then you grew up and started making your own jokes about dying and how much easier things would be when  you were gone... I ignored them because what else could I do?

Do you remember the moment you became jealous of your friends and family? We laughed because it was such a normal teenage thing to do...
and then you grew up and started to hate them for it.
You started to back off and hide away and I let you do that for a while.

I didn't make it into work today... and I wont make it into work ever again.
I never wanted to be buried but you don't get to choose your funeral once you decide to take yourself out of the equation.
They told me it ran in the family... they said there wasn't any sign at all that this would happen.

Those words were etched on my bones.
That jealousy and that rage was etched in my lungs when I panicked and stopped breathing for moments at a time.
Those morbid jokes were not meant to be taken lightly... I wasn't joking.

I never wanted to be buried.

I had my own dreams and goals before I met you.
I am going to find those again.

Driving down a a road highlighted in wildflowers and the sun shining bright ahead of me I take a moment to reflect.
I see the dark clouds in my rear view mirror and I scream --
Here's to new beginnings!

I can see how close my future is.
I can feel it on the tip of my tongue when I start singing the songs that remind me of last summer.
I can feel it in every sip of fresh water and every time I jump into lakes with my friends.
I can feel it when I smile with real passion behind it and every time I say "I'm trying" and actually mean it.
I can feel it as I watch the memories of you and every other person who hurt me burn in fire.

I had my own dreams and goals before I met you.
I regret nothing but it's time to lock those doors and lose the keys for good.

I take a long drive, music up and I scream as loud as I can--
Here's to new beginnings.

I think of him when its raining and the weather is gloomy and the clouds come in the surround me just like he did for a short, short while.

I imagine he is sitting somewhere in New York right now drinking some awful Gin and Tonic drink , writing something about some girl in a bar.

Or he's walking with his jacket high up over his neck day dreaming of his long lost Juliet or maybe he's scheming something more like Macbeth.

I like to think he thinks of me from time to time, the girl he sent poems to on Valentines Day, the girl he talked about loving the ocean more than life.

I know it's a bit narcissistic and a bit conceited but I like to think he know's I think of him from time to time.

When La Vie En Rose comes on and when I'm walking down the freshly rained on streets humming a tune.

When I am alone in my room contemplating how I couldn't make things work with good people or when I re read those poems I keep hidden away in my closet.

I imagine he's sitting in New York at some trendy, dive bar, making friends with the bartender telling stories about his life.

I imagine he's writing something about a girl he's currently in love with and the features that makes him swoon because one day he will give those poems to her for Valentines day as well.

I imagine that the day he finds the Juliet to his Romeo- he won't need to think of the girl whose too far away and in love with the ocean anymore.

There’s something nocturnal about our love.

The way I sit awake at 2 am dreaming of the perfect sunrise to paint you.
Or the way your lips always taste a little sweeter after 3 am.
It could be the way your mouth moves a little lower when we get closer to 4 am.
But maybes it’s the way you look when you fall asleep around 5 am.

I guess the simplicity of our relationship is what kept me around for so long.
But now I see the flaws and the possibilities of us never growing and it’s making me want to run.

Find someone who wants me at 7am when they just finish breakfast and are headed to work.
And they text me to check in by 8 am just to see how my day is going.
Or they sneak home on their break to kiss me at 9 am and whisper sweet nothings before leaving again.
It could be the way they text me again by 10am and tell me they love me when I head to work.

Maybe I just need a love that’s a bit brighter.

Her skin smelled like peppermint; it wasn't love more like infatuation.
I liked the way she wore her hair; long and colorful.
I liked how her eyes always fit her mood; always changing.
I liked how she never seemed to really care she just went with the day.
No, this wasn't love, but she made me curious.
She made me wish I could be her.
That I could have that smooth confidence, or those perfect teeth.
She made me want to dress differently and talk slower with more care.
She always smelled like peppermint, it was always refreshing.
She was a good girl who everyone thought was a bad girl.
No I didn't love her, but I was infatuated.

I'm not sure I'm even sad anymore by the technical definition of the word-
I think I just am tired of waking up to the same smells, the same sounds, the same loneliness that has become my best friend-

They say you get addicted to a certain type of sadness, but that could be just a lyric in a song I heard once-
I find myself dismissing the ideas of sunshine and wishing for the rain-
I find myself driving across state lines tossing my cell out the window and letting my darker than normal hair fly in the wind as I drive with no end goals-

I am sure I'm not sad anymore I just hate routine and want to disappear for a while-
My doctor wants to put me on anti-depressants but I flipped him off and screamed anarchy as I walked out that door-

One day I'll have the courage to say goodbye to everything I've ever known-
I'll color my hair and wear tight pants because I can do what I want-
I'll drink midori sours in the morning and sleep in my car-

My doctor called me reckless and insane -
My parents called me immature and needed to grow up-
My friends told me I'm depressed and keep trying to reassure me I won't die alone-
I say I don't give a **** anymore; let the wild take me and set me free-

Because what it comes down to is I am planning on drowning all my emotions.
You will need a submarine to find them at the bottom of the sea.
You will need the best diving equipment you can find to get to them.

It's going to get cold down there, the deeper you go the darker it gets.
There will be unseen monsters that will make you want to run and hide by how they look alone.
It's going to get scary down there, you will find it harder and harder to move; harder to breathe.

If you ever make it to the bottom of the darkness, which no one ever has, I bet it's going to be something else.
I bet it has a lot of mystery.
Maybe it will be the key to getting out of the darkness and into the light?
Maybe it will hold the answers to the unknown we are so fond of getting lost in.

Because what it came down too was I would rather drown in the ocean of my fears then to continue to be lost at sea alone.

My old account apparently is "deleted" if you used to follow me hopefully you find me!
<3  I guess time to write new stuff

One day I want to see you at my door telling me the things you never told me before. One day, probably a long time from now, I hope we meet again. On the same plane to some foreign city or the train across the country. But... If that doesn't happen I hope you remember our stories.

And one day maybe when you're grey and frail and your body is giving out on you... You'll think back to when you were young. You will think back to high school and all those days after will crash back into you. You'll think about love and pain and laughter and tears. You'll think about traveling and who came and went.

And one day, a long time from now I'm sure, you'll remember the girl you left in your hometown. You'll think about her and where she's at and how she's been. You'll ask your wife about her first love and tell her all about yours. Your kids will fall in love and ask about your heart breaks and tragedies.

And one day you'll tell them.
You'll tell them you didn't really know much but you knew about her. You knew that some people were meant to fall in love and not be together.